Here we go again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
Here we go again
I just need to vent. This stuff is so insipid...it's like one of those nightmares where the floor keeps falling in on you...everytime I think things feel a little smooth, wham! There go the damn floorboards again!
He started drinking Sunday night to punish me for mentioning that I smelled booze on him (allegedly he had stopped a couple days before, December was to be the end of it...not that I realistically believed that but I guess I hoped)...anyway, he went off in a tantrum and when he came back three hours later he caused some drama I had to deal with that I won't go into right now...but it was pretty awful and I really lost it verbally...I hid in my office that night...he was on a drunken rampage then from Sunday night through Monday night...then passed out at dawn Tuesday and didn't basically get up again til Wednesday a.m. Made the usual lame apology, which I didn't respond to...I was busy getting my head together, detaching, etc all those hours. Trying to make decisions, etc., you all know the routine.
He acted "normal" and was sober all day yesterday and today.
But just now he very cheerfully invited me to go out for a drink! As if nothing had happened earlier this week. I could not believe it. I COULD believe it if he had just gone off for a drink alone or started hiding booze in the garage again, etc. That I am fully prepared for, I am no longer fooled that he wil STOP. But to act so overtly cheerful about it, as if there is no problem, as if we didn't have the most dreadful verbal screaming fight the other night, as if I didn't feel he had crossed every line in my book by his behavior...
And then he wants to put the blame on me. "Oh, if I go have a drink, you'll be mad?"
So I sat down while he is physically sober (obviously his mind is not) and explained for the thousandth time where I am about all this. That I have married an alcoholic, that I am finding resources to help myself deal with this, that I am trying to detach from caring what he does or doesn't do. That our marriage is in trouble. That our sex life is apparently over but that that is the least of our problems. That if he drinks I am sleeping in my own bed, if he is sober I will sleep in our bed. That if my door is closed it means do not enter, period. That detachment is not my idea of a marriage but it feels like the only thing I can do for my sanity. That I may be leaving him in the spring, still, am still thinking about that as I have told him before.
He acts like it's all new and uninteresting information. He acts like he doesn't know what the word "alcoholic" means.
This is otherwise a very intelligent man. But in this respect - which is the WHOLE respect now, I think, not just "a part of who he is" but it IS who he is...he is STUPID. Utterly totally ignorant stupid!!!!
I just feel there is NO hope here. No resolution, no change.
His brother is thinking of coming to talk to him about all this. I don't know if that will help or make it worse.
Well, dammit, there goes what was feeling like a moderately quiet and peaceful couple of days. Already out the damn door. Whether or not he goes to have a drink tonight, he might as well, because he is either not getting it or pretending not to.
The other night was so traumatic to me, what we went through, I never thought I'd ever go through that with anyone. I was surprised the neighbors didn't call the cops, I was a screaming banchee.
I am normally a pretty serene, quiet, hard-to-ruffle person. Peace-loving person. I turned into a total shrew because I felt a kind of danger. Not that he would physically hurt me, but...everything else about my/our life together felt totally threatened.
And he apparently doesn't remember any of it? His idea of acknowledgement and apology is two sentences in the last four days...when he was hungover and comatose in the bed...he muttered that he should be shot and later he said "sorry I was such a pig". That's it.
Oh god, if this were the USA and I had my car and my friends and my support system there and knew where to go, I'd be in my car now. I would have been months ago. It's this damn foreign country thing.
Well, I'm too tired to go search for that digging-a-hole icon again, but I know I dug this hole, made this bed, etc.
I just needed to vent. I needed to say outloud to people who do understand what this is about...what this is about.
I think Mr. Hyde is taking over; Dr. Jeckyl is getting pretty ineffective. I'm beginning to feel like I'm living with "The Fly" like in the sci fi movie.
Help me!
He started drinking Sunday night to punish me for mentioning that I smelled booze on him (allegedly he had stopped a couple days before, December was to be the end of it...not that I realistically believed that but I guess I hoped)...anyway, he went off in a tantrum and when he came back three hours later he caused some drama I had to deal with that I won't go into right now...but it was pretty awful and I really lost it verbally...I hid in my office that night...he was on a drunken rampage then from Sunday night through Monday night...then passed out at dawn Tuesday and didn't basically get up again til Wednesday a.m. Made the usual lame apology, which I didn't respond to...I was busy getting my head together, detaching, etc all those hours. Trying to make decisions, etc., you all know the routine.
He acted "normal" and was sober all day yesterday and today.
But just now he very cheerfully invited me to go out for a drink! As if nothing had happened earlier this week. I could not believe it. I COULD believe it if he had just gone off for a drink alone or started hiding booze in the garage again, etc. That I am fully prepared for, I am no longer fooled that he wil STOP. But to act so overtly cheerful about it, as if there is no problem, as if we didn't have the most dreadful verbal screaming fight the other night, as if I didn't feel he had crossed every line in my book by his behavior...
And then he wants to put the blame on me. "Oh, if I go have a drink, you'll be mad?"
So I sat down while he is physically sober (obviously his mind is not) and explained for the thousandth time where I am about all this. That I have married an alcoholic, that I am finding resources to help myself deal with this, that I am trying to detach from caring what he does or doesn't do. That our marriage is in trouble. That our sex life is apparently over but that that is the least of our problems. That if he drinks I am sleeping in my own bed, if he is sober I will sleep in our bed. That if my door is closed it means do not enter, period. That detachment is not my idea of a marriage but it feels like the only thing I can do for my sanity. That I may be leaving him in the spring, still, am still thinking about that as I have told him before.
He acts like it's all new and uninteresting information. He acts like he doesn't know what the word "alcoholic" means.
This is otherwise a very intelligent man. But in this respect - which is the WHOLE respect now, I think, not just "a part of who he is" but it IS who he is...he is STUPID. Utterly totally ignorant stupid!!!!
I just feel there is NO hope here. No resolution, no change.
His brother is thinking of coming to talk to him about all this. I don't know if that will help or make it worse.
Well, dammit, there goes what was feeling like a moderately quiet and peaceful couple of days. Already out the damn door. Whether or not he goes to have a drink tonight, he might as well, because he is either not getting it or pretending not to.
The other night was so traumatic to me, what we went through, I never thought I'd ever go through that with anyone. I was surprised the neighbors didn't call the cops, I was a screaming banchee.
I am normally a pretty serene, quiet, hard-to-ruffle person. Peace-loving person. I turned into a total shrew because I felt a kind of danger. Not that he would physically hurt me, but...everything else about my/our life together felt totally threatened.
And he apparently doesn't remember any of it? His idea of acknowledgement and apology is two sentences in the last four days...when he was hungover and comatose in the bed...he muttered that he should be shot and later he said "sorry I was such a pig". That's it.
Oh god, if this were the USA and I had my car and my friends and my support system there and knew where to go, I'd be in my car now. I would have been months ago. It's this damn foreign country thing.
Well, I'm too tired to go search for that digging-a-hole icon again, but I know I dug this hole, made this bed, etc.
I just needed to vent. I needed to say outloud to people who do understand what this is about...what this is about.
I think Mr. Hyde is taking over; Dr. Jeckyl is getting pretty ineffective. I'm beginning to feel like I'm living with "The Fly" like in the sci fi movie.
Help me!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,015
Vent all you need to, keep posting. You're honest with yourself and you've been honest with him about your feelings. There's not much more you can do if you decide to stay with him.
That's the insanity of alcoholism. No matter how bad an alcoholic gets, there's nobody that can convince them they have a problem except themselves. I can see so many similarities between the way your AH acts and the way I used to act. There is help for him, but all you can really do is pray that he seeks it out. An intervention might be worth trying, but in the end your husband is the only one who can make the decision to help himself.
Scott
That's the insanity of alcoholism. No matter how bad an alcoholic gets, there's nobody that can convince them they have a problem except themselves. I can see so many similarities between the way your AH acts and the way I used to act. There is help for him, but all you can really do is pray that he seeks it out. An intervention might be worth trying, but in the end your husband is the only one who can make the decision to help himself.
Scott
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
((((((((((achusla)))))))))))))
hon, i'm so sorry that yet another human being is feeling the effects of living with alcoholism. it doesn't make sense because there is no sense to be made of it.
i understand the frustration, the anger, the hate, the love, the hurt.......the disappointment, the futility........
you have set your boundries. that is good. boundries are important to save our own sanity and safety.
has he acknowleged that he even wants any kind of help???
until he has, anything you say to him about his disease will go unheard by him, and your frustration level will only increase.
i'm sorry, i cannot recall.....do you attend al-anon???? or any other recovery support group????
luv to you ((((achusla))))
hon, i'm so sorry that yet another human being is feeling the effects of living with alcoholism. it doesn't make sense because there is no sense to be made of it.
i understand the frustration, the anger, the hate, the love, the hurt.......the disappointment, the futility........
you have set your boundries. that is good. boundries are important to save our own sanity and safety.
has he acknowleged that he even wants any kind of help???
until he has, anything you say to him about his disease will go unheard by him, and your frustration level will only increase.
i'm sorry, i cannot recall.....do you attend al-anon???? or any other recovery support group????
luv to you ((((achusla))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
Thanks Astro...it still helps to hear your perspective...
embraced2000, thanks...as for your questions...no, he has not acknowledged he has a problem and will not seek help. He is utterly opposed to (shall we speculate "terrified of"?) any kind of therapy, groups, etc. But first of all he won't acknowledge his problem...only has a couple times when very drunk...but later doesn't remember saying that he "used to be" an alcoholic. Or he'll tell me behavior in the past but won't connect it to the word "alcoholic".
As for Al-Anon, I'm trying to find a group to attend in 3-D but I live in a country and tiny rural area where AA and Al-Anon are relatively new...any websites for here that I found only talk about "cutting back on drink", sigh. I did finally get a phone number today of a group in the city an hour from here. I'll have to go on the train to attend. Meanwhile I have just ordered Al-Anon books and am looking at on-line Al-Anon websites too. Until I can sort out the 3-D thing, I have to deal with this on my own and via this website and whatever other help is on line.
I feel I have learned so much about all this in the past four months by trial and error. The biggest most important step was when I came here the other night and signed on and admitted to myself and you cyber strangers that this IS alcoholism and we DO have a problem (Houston)...
Until I did that, I kept hoping maybe it would really change magically or miraculously...
But I now know it won't. I also know, finally, he can't stop for me...that was the premise, he would stop for ME...but I now know he can't, no one can stop for someone else. So I told him tonight, after I posted this thread...that he must try to stop seeing his drinking or not drinking as having anything to do with ME. That I know he can't stop for me. And at some level I just don't care anymore, I am trying to learn to not let my day be ruined based on his condition. That is SO hard.
It's like I have to learn to be HOPELESS and yet, for myself, hopeful that there is life beyond this. That is some wire act!
Thanks for listening and for the encouragement. I told him I'm getting involved in Al-Anon stuff. I asked if he knows what that is. He grunted that he did but not in a very positive way. I don't care what he thinks, though, this is what I have to do. I will not go down that hole with him. I didn't spend all my life building a good life for myself, by my bootstraps, to let him ruin it in one fell swoop!
I love him. But...
embraced2000, thanks...as for your questions...no, he has not acknowledged he has a problem and will not seek help. He is utterly opposed to (shall we speculate "terrified of"?) any kind of therapy, groups, etc. But first of all he won't acknowledge his problem...only has a couple times when very drunk...but later doesn't remember saying that he "used to be" an alcoholic. Or he'll tell me behavior in the past but won't connect it to the word "alcoholic".
As for Al-Anon, I'm trying to find a group to attend in 3-D but I live in a country and tiny rural area where AA and Al-Anon are relatively new...any websites for here that I found only talk about "cutting back on drink", sigh. I did finally get a phone number today of a group in the city an hour from here. I'll have to go on the train to attend. Meanwhile I have just ordered Al-Anon books and am looking at on-line Al-Anon websites too. Until I can sort out the 3-D thing, I have to deal with this on my own and via this website and whatever other help is on line.
I feel I have learned so much about all this in the past four months by trial and error. The biggest most important step was when I came here the other night and signed on and admitted to myself and you cyber strangers that this IS alcoholism and we DO have a problem (Houston)...
Until I did that, I kept hoping maybe it would really change magically or miraculously...
But I now know it won't. I also know, finally, he can't stop for me...that was the premise, he would stop for ME...but I now know he can't, no one can stop for someone else. So I told him tonight, after I posted this thread...that he must try to stop seeing his drinking or not drinking as having anything to do with ME. That I know he can't stop for me. And at some level I just don't care anymore, I am trying to learn to not let my day be ruined based on his condition. That is SO hard.
It's like I have to learn to be HOPELESS and yet, for myself, hopeful that there is life beyond this. That is some wire act!
Thanks for listening and for the encouragement. I told him I'm getting involved in Al-Anon stuff. I asked if he knows what that is. He grunted that he did but not in a very positive way. I don't care what he thinks, though, this is what I have to do. I will not go down that hole with him. I didn't spend all my life building a good life for myself, by my bootstraps, to let him ruin it in one fell swoop!
I love him. But...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Acushla, I can sense your confusion and frustration. I haven't physically lived with active addiction for a year, but remember all too well the havoc that it wreaked on me. It's really awful and I am sorry you have to go through that. Even NOT living with it, I still feel like I am constantly being put through a grinder, so I can truly sympathise. Is going back to the States to get yourself better an option for you? You NEED, NEED, NEED a support system. From what I hear, he is not willing to address his addiction and at this point, he could care less as to how it affects you. He may say he cares and loves you, but his actions show otherwise. Just keep in mind that it WILL get worse unless he takes proactive steps to halt the disease. You will not be able to convince him to stop no matter how many times you have that same conversation with him; it will only make you insane with trying. He does not hear you, Acushla. Your logical reasoning is completely and totally ineffective, because he does not hear you. So, find a way to refocus on yourself and decide how you can maintain your sanity--whether you choose to stay with him or leave. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
an'ka,
That is the decision I am forced to deal with. I can't go back til spring if I do go back...for several financial/logistic reasons. Hell, I only came over a year ago, and have put so many eggs in this basket, to move back is going to really kill me. But staying may kill me too so I have to weigh the poisons. Financially I am just not sure how to do this. I am really in a jam. But...if I really decide I can't live with this, I will just do whatever I have to do. At least I have family I can dump myself on, in the states, temporarily. It is just a horrible thought, to have to undo all I undid again...and I am in my late 50s and just don't know where I'm going to get the stamina for all this.
I'm very depressed right now, going to try to go get some sleep.
Anyway, whatever I decide, for the moment I am here and have to find a way to live with this without going totally mad.
That is the decision I am forced to deal with. I can't go back til spring if I do go back...for several financial/logistic reasons. Hell, I only came over a year ago, and have put so many eggs in this basket, to move back is going to really kill me. But staying may kill me too so I have to weigh the poisons. Financially I am just not sure how to do this. I am really in a jam. But...if I really decide I can't live with this, I will just do whatever I have to do. At least I have family I can dump myself on, in the states, temporarily. It is just a horrible thought, to have to undo all I undid again...and I am in my late 50s and just don't know where I'm going to get the stamina for all this.
I'm very depressed right now, going to try to go get some sleep.
Anyway, whatever I decide, for the moment I am here and have to find a way to live with this without going totally mad.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Even though you are in a very difficult time of your life, you do sound good. You are reaching out for ways to help YOU. You are being realistic in your thoughts. It is so hard to recognize and accept. We go thru the denial, then believing it's not as bad as it is! Then, begin to accept and "deal" with it. Sorry for this in your life.
Mine use to call on the way home from work and ask if I wanted to meet him for a drink, like it was a gift to me to be included in his little party!
Mine use to call on the way home from work and ask if I wanted to meet him for a drink, like it was a gift to me to be included in his little party!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
yeah, mazey, that's the exact thing he does...when he said "want to go have a drink?" he might as well have said, "Hey! How about I go get lickered up so I can verbally abuse you and make you feel completely vulnerable, insane, at risk and completely devastatingly lonely tonight? Eh? Does that sound like fun?"
Thank you for the feedback. It IS hard to recognize and accept. It's taken me several months to do that much. I've only begun to think "exist strategies" in recent weeks.
Goodnight, folks.
Thank you for the feedback. It IS hard to recognize and accept. It's taken me several months to do that much. I've only begun to think "exist strategies" in recent weeks.
Goodnight, folks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
bahookie, yeah, I was at "but, I love..." not too long ago.
So...he hasn't had a drink since Wednesday now. He almost did once but instead we had a (quiet) discussion and I outlined my position, etc. I have, though, expected him to start drinking literally any moment now. I'm not joyful or hopeful or anything like I have been in the past if he would stop...
Have opened discussion now via email with his offspring about this...which is good...
Tomorrow I have to be gone all day...there is dread of coming home to smell that smell on him...no doubt...but I just have to keep myself separated from it as best I can, emotionally. For now.
It's funny, in my last post on this thread I said "exist strategies" and I meant to type "exit"...Freudian slip I guess. Because it's true, right now I'm at "exist", until I am clear if it's "exit" or not, and until I have some financial ability to go if I decide to go. Which I do not, at present.
Anyway, it's temporarily quiet here, anyway...
Take care, all.
So...he hasn't had a drink since Wednesday now. He almost did once but instead we had a (quiet) discussion and I outlined my position, etc. I have, though, expected him to start drinking literally any moment now. I'm not joyful or hopeful or anything like I have been in the past if he would stop...
Have opened discussion now via email with his offspring about this...which is good...
Tomorrow I have to be gone all day...there is dread of coming home to smell that smell on him...no doubt...but I just have to keep myself separated from it as best I can, emotionally. For now.
It's funny, in my last post on this thread I said "exist strategies" and I meant to type "exit"...Freudian slip I guess. Because it's true, right now I'm at "exist", until I am clear if it's "exit" or not, and until I have some financial ability to go if I decide to go. Which I do not, at present.
Anyway, it's temporarily quiet here, anyway...
Take care, all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
So we had almost four days of sobriety and working together. But since Monday he's been vodka binging again.
I have an Al-Anon meeting to attend on Monday, I found one in a town near here and spoke to two ladies.
A friend has offered me a get-away cottage I could go to in the near future. It would be a it of an effort for me to get all my ducks in a row to escape to it, but I am seriously considering it. If I can just get away from this situation to look back at it and think clearly...
My emotions are all over the place. Hour to hour I am unpredictable. Yesterday I felt very balanced and dealt with him by just being nice despite the boozing and trying to carefully guide him like a child to make sure the work here was finished in time...I actually felt Ok with everything yesterday.
But today I swear I want to kill him. I am so angry my fists are balled up (and I'm a peace-nik!)...so I took a walk in the rain and let the anger go into sorrow and cried. I'm sure the locals think I'm nutters, walking and talking and crying to myself in the rain, which I do a lot actually. Fortuantely there is a sort of secluded path and I take my dog...but I'm sure some of them think I'm off my nut.
He infuriates me the way he sees no ramification, sees no problem, continually lies to me, pretends we haven't had this or that agreement about this or that. I'm in abject hell here and he is smiling and happy and drunk all the time.
Today he took a shower, said he wasn't drinking anymore today, would go to bed early and would I sleep with him in that event? Acting romantic. I said ok, given those criteria if I get in the bed tonight it means yes, we can make love.
He was all happy. He said ok, I'm taking dog for a quick walk. Ok, foolish woman says. After forty minutes went by I realized, hmmm, long walk...oh s***, he's off to the pub again?! (I pulled him out of the pub earlier in the day to come home and do the work.) So I drove there and went in and said nothing, just took my dog and left, went for a drive.
I have repeatedly told him not to take the dog w/ him when he goes drinking, because I need the dog w/ me for emotional reasons at that time, and because he can't be trusted to take care of the dog when he's drunk (proven). He says ok, ok. And then blatently LIED to me, pretending he's all sober and nice and lovey, walked out the door STRAIGHT to the pub, only 2 hours after I'd gotten him from there!
I feel like all day now all he does is sit and think of reasons to leave the house so he can go to the pub.
It's like the vodka is a creature that lives inside of him and guides his every move and all he wants to do is sit and drink.
He is KILLING my love for him. Everytime I look at him now, or in his (vacant, water-logged) eyes, or see him on the bar stool...I feel sick to my stomach. I miss our love, our sex, all of that...I miss the way it WAS...but I think it's time to just admit it is OVER.
I'm so sick of having to think, all day long, how to get this or that accomplished around anticipation of him being drunk, at the pub, hungover, passed out or any combination of these options. I have to time my events now. I am planning six days ahead how to go on an outing with his adult daughters and yet be prepared to know that when I come home that night he will be stinking rotten drunk. When I'm home with him he's stinking drunk. When I leave him alone for a day he's stinking ROTTEN drunk. Those are my two choices. Other than the occasional three-day sober periods but...that's about all he seems able to handle now. Three days.
Tonight I emailed his eldest daughter and told her with no pretense exactly how bad it is. She had asked me to let her know, if it got really bad. It has BEEN really bad a for a long time but I didn't want to upset or worry her. And what can she do, anyway? Nothing! But I'm tired of pretending all is Ok. I'm at, ok, let's tell the whole family because if I leave him, someone will have to pick up the pieces. At this rate, he's going to end up in the hospital sooner or later.
Well, thanks for letting me vent. I am so so so so so sick of this. I'm exhausted by it. This is not a life.
Al-Anon Monday. Oh, and some of the books you all have recommended have started to arrive from Amazon. And, hey, I haven't been to church in decades but I got on eBay and ordered a rosary yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I need one, it may help calm me down when I'm hiding in my office room.
One CAN survive all this, eh? Can you promise me that?
Taking deep breaths...and staying away from him tonight, I'm so afraid I might just hit him. My fists were balled up earlier! The rage was flooding through me! I told him to stay away from me.
I probably wouldn't really do it, I'm not a violent person. But there is a lot about how I feel and act around this that seems very unfamiliar to who I think I am.
I think the old term "demon rum" is really a good one. It feels like there is a demon living inside him, I even feel like I see it in his eyes.
I have an Al-Anon meeting to attend on Monday, I found one in a town near here and spoke to two ladies.
A friend has offered me a get-away cottage I could go to in the near future. It would be a it of an effort for me to get all my ducks in a row to escape to it, but I am seriously considering it. If I can just get away from this situation to look back at it and think clearly...
My emotions are all over the place. Hour to hour I am unpredictable. Yesterday I felt very balanced and dealt with him by just being nice despite the boozing and trying to carefully guide him like a child to make sure the work here was finished in time...I actually felt Ok with everything yesterday.
But today I swear I want to kill him. I am so angry my fists are balled up (and I'm a peace-nik!)...so I took a walk in the rain and let the anger go into sorrow and cried. I'm sure the locals think I'm nutters, walking and talking and crying to myself in the rain, which I do a lot actually. Fortuantely there is a sort of secluded path and I take my dog...but I'm sure some of them think I'm off my nut.
He infuriates me the way he sees no ramification, sees no problem, continually lies to me, pretends we haven't had this or that agreement about this or that. I'm in abject hell here and he is smiling and happy and drunk all the time.
Today he took a shower, said he wasn't drinking anymore today, would go to bed early and would I sleep with him in that event? Acting romantic. I said ok, given those criteria if I get in the bed tonight it means yes, we can make love.
He was all happy. He said ok, I'm taking dog for a quick walk. Ok, foolish woman says. After forty minutes went by I realized, hmmm, long walk...oh s***, he's off to the pub again?! (I pulled him out of the pub earlier in the day to come home and do the work.) So I drove there and went in and said nothing, just took my dog and left, went for a drive.
I have repeatedly told him not to take the dog w/ him when he goes drinking, because I need the dog w/ me for emotional reasons at that time, and because he can't be trusted to take care of the dog when he's drunk (proven). He says ok, ok. And then blatently LIED to me, pretending he's all sober and nice and lovey, walked out the door STRAIGHT to the pub, only 2 hours after I'd gotten him from there!
I feel like all day now all he does is sit and think of reasons to leave the house so he can go to the pub.
It's like the vodka is a creature that lives inside of him and guides his every move and all he wants to do is sit and drink.
He is KILLING my love for him. Everytime I look at him now, or in his (vacant, water-logged) eyes, or see him on the bar stool...I feel sick to my stomach. I miss our love, our sex, all of that...I miss the way it WAS...but I think it's time to just admit it is OVER.
I'm so sick of having to think, all day long, how to get this or that accomplished around anticipation of him being drunk, at the pub, hungover, passed out or any combination of these options. I have to time my events now. I am planning six days ahead how to go on an outing with his adult daughters and yet be prepared to know that when I come home that night he will be stinking rotten drunk. When I'm home with him he's stinking drunk. When I leave him alone for a day he's stinking ROTTEN drunk. Those are my two choices. Other than the occasional three-day sober periods but...that's about all he seems able to handle now. Three days.
Tonight I emailed his eldest daughter and told her with no pretense exactly how bad it is. She had asked me to let her know, if it got really bad. It has BEEN really bad a for a long time but I didn't want to upset or worry her. And what can she do, anyway? Nothing! But I'm tired of pretending all is Ok. I'm at, ok, let's tell the whole family because if I leave him, someone will have to pick up the pieces. At this rate, he's going to end up in the hospital sooner or later.
Well, thanks for letting me vent. I am so so so so so sick of this. I'm exhausted by it. This is not a life.
Al-Anon Monday. Oh, and some of the books you all have recommended have started to arrive from Amazon. And, hey, I haven't been to church in decades but I got on eBay and ordered a rosary yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I need one, it may help calm me down when I'm hiding in my office room.
One CAN survive all this, eh? Can you promise me that?
Taking deep breaths...and staying away from him tonight, I'm so afraid I might just hit him. My fists were balled up earlier! The rage was flooding through me! I told him to stay away from me.
I probably wouldn't really do it, I'm not a violent person. But there is a lot about how I feel and act around this that seems very unfamiliar to who I think I am.
I think the old term "demon rum" is really a good one. It feels like there is a demon living inside him, I even feel like I see it in his eyes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Acushla 
One CAN survive all this, eh? Can you promise me that?
Hang in there Acushla and good luck at the meeting.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
I'm sure so many of us have also felt the same, and you can move thru it and into a happier existence. Alanon can give you tools, and maybe some calm to sort this out. Prayer to calm yourself and let your mind be open to what you are suppose to do. The disease can absolutely make us different from who we really are....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by mazey
Prayer to calm yourself and let your mind be open to what you are suppose to do. .
Mazey, that is a good prayer. I will start saying that one. I really do need to go to my HP on this, I'm at my wit's end trying to figure it out alone.
I've already planned how to extracate myself to go to the meeting...it's insane how I have to plan things ahead like this. It's like living with a two year old...and I THOUGHT I had married an adult male!
Thanks again, folks.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-14-2006 at 02:57 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Ascushla, if it gets too bad, and even though you say he hasn't been physically abusive yet, that can change, with alcoholism everything progresses.
You say you have family here to come home to, if its gets real bad, get to the U.S. Embassy, tell them of your abusive situation and request assistance to get home to the States. The Embassy will help.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
You say you have family here to come home to, if its gets real bad, get to the U.S. Embassy, tell them of your abusive situation and request assistance to get home to the States. The Embassy will help.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
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