Time for BIG decisions
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Time for BIG decisions
I am sorry guys...
I keep posting these drawn out "vent sessions", and not responding to enough posts myself. I know I have encouragement to give, but right now I am so NOT able to give it.
I am scared and very frustrated.
My A has been gone since Friday afternoon, using. He was doing pretty good up until this point - well, who am I kidding... he is sober for a few weeks and then binges. And I feel so stupid! You know, I actually believed him when he said "I am done drinking" the last time he binged. In a sense he speaks the only truth he is capable of - I know he WANTS to stay sober, but he just can't. And now it is Monday morning... I called him on his cell phone this morning. I had to. We own our own business, and provide a valuble service to our town... I had to find out if / when he was gonna show up for work. My paycheque depends on whether our business is still running!!
. So, I told him I called to see if he was still alive (which is partly true). I asked him who was working the truck today (he often finds someone to replace him when he is using). He told me HE was working... But he was in the next town, and hadn't slept yet!! 
. Anyhow... he still has not showed up for work... the phone is going to start ringing.
I was in chat last night, and after talking for a while about all of this, I realized how DONE I am. I have given him too many chances, I have loved him thru TOO much. I realized that the more it all remains the same, the more damage is done. He needs to get sober - to find SOMETHING more than what he gives himself. And me and the kids? we need to HEAL. I need space and time to sort this all out... he needs space to find his recovery - a REAL recovery.
So how the he** do I do this?! Someone please give me the right words... I soooo don't want to make mistakes and get sucked in again.
Any words of advice? Anyone been thru this be4?
One more thing... I have decided to take my name off of our business. As it is right now, I am a 49% shareholder in both of our companies, and there he is, taking a trip to the bank and withdrawing as much business money as he wants, to be able to use. If he wants to take this down the drain, I am NOT going with him. What do u guys think?
I sooooo need ur help.
Thanks
Meg
I keep posting these drawn out "vent sessions", and not responding to enough posts myself. I know I have encouragement to give, but right now I am so NOT able to give it.
I am scared and very frustrated.
My A has been gone since Friday afternoon, using. He was doing pretty good up until this point - well, who am I kidding... he is sober for a few weeks and then binges. And I feel so stupid! You know, I actually believed him when he said "I am done drinking" the last time he binged. In a sense he speaks the only truth he is capable of - I know he WANTS to stay sober, but he just can't. And now it is Monday morning... I called him on his cell phone this morning. I had to. We own our own business, and provide a valuble service to our town... I had to find out if / when he was gonna show up for work. My paycheque depends on whether our business is still running!!
. So, I told him I called to see if he was still alive (which is partly true). I asked him who was working the truck today (he often finds someone to replace him when he is using). He told me HE was working... But he was in the next town, and hadn't slept yet!! . Anyhow... he still has not showed up for work... the phone is going to start ringing.I was in chat last night, and after talking for a while about all of this, I realized how DONE I am. I have given him too many chances, I have loved him thru TOO much. I realized that the more it all remains the same, the more damage is done. He needs to get sober - to find SOMETHING more than what he gives himself. And me and the kids? we need to HEAL. I need space and time to sort this all out... he needs space to find his recovery - a REAL recovery.
So how the he** do I do this?! Someone please give me the right words... I soooo don't want to make mistakes and get sucked in again.
Any words of advice? Anyone been thru this be4?
One more thing... I have decided to take my name off of our business. As it is right now, I am a 49% shareholder in both of our companies, and there he is, taking a trip to the bank and withdrawing as much business money as he wants, to be able to use. If he wants to take this down the drain, I am NOT going with him. What do u guys think?
I sooooo need ur help.
Thanks
Meg
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
What a tough time for you.
I guess if you feel so strongly you NEED to do something. Staying this way will just make you crazy!
I have a hard time giving advice because I have not acted yet. I am still with my husband (he has just begun to get help). But I have made up my mind that I will be here for him as long as he is getting help and not drinking.
Do what you have to do to protect yourself. Have you spoke to an attorney regarding you rights (business and personal)? That is probably a good place to start. You don't want to do anything that is going to jeopardize yourself.
Don't worry about not replying to others posts. There is plenty of help here. When you can you will.
NoDoubt
I guess if you feel so strongly you NEED to do something. Staying this way will just make you crazy!
I have a hard time giving advice because I have not acted yet. I am still with my husband (he has just begun to get help). But I have made up my mind that I will be here for him as long as he is getting help and not drinking.
Do what you have to do to protect yourself. Have you spoke to an attorney regarding you rights (business and personal)? That is probably a good place to start. You don't want to do anything that is going to jeopardize yourself.
Don't worry about not replying to others posts. There is plenty of help here. When you can you will.
NoDoubt
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Thanks No Doubt,
I don't blame you for not wanting to give advice... In fact I was in the exact same position as you just weeks ago. I was OK here... content with him just TRYING to get sober, but it seems that I have reached a botoom.
I just got off the phone with him... I can't believe the things I said. I have no idea where I got the gumption; the strength. I told him to get himself to work, or find someone to replace him... I was not going to answer the phones all day and brush ppl off. You know what he said?! "Just tell people the truck is broken". I can't believe he said that. No, I will not tell them anything - the answering machine is on... he can deal with the complaints later. I also told him that he has to go - as soon as he is sober, he needs to get home, gather his things and leave. I also told him I want my name off the company... and told him all the reasons why.
My heart is pounding... I THINK I am doing the right thing - it feels right... but I am so scared. I am terrified what might happen next.
Meg
I don't blame you for not wanting to give advice... In fact I was in the exact same position as you just weeks ago. I was OK here... content with him just TRYING to get sober, but it seems that I have reached a botoom.
I just got off the phone with him... I can't believe the things I said. I have no idea where I got the gumption; the strength. I told him to get himself to work, or find someone to replace him... I was not going to answer the phones all day and brush ppl off. You know what he said?! "Just tell people the truck is broken". I can't believe he said that. No, I will not tell them anything - the answering machine is on... he can deal with the complaints later. I also told him that he has to go - as soon as he is sober, he needs to get home, gather his things and leave. I also told him I want my name off the company... and told him all the reasons why.
My heart is pounding... I THINK I am doing the right thing - it feels right... but I am so scared. I am terrified what might happen next.
Meg
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Meg,
Make sure your protect yourself financially with your own account.
I know there are things far more important than money,t it is a realistic concern and you can maybe prevent future problems with an ounce of prevention now..there is all ready more than enough stress.
I emphasize this because I failed to do so, worrying only about people and not about bucks...and it has come back to bite me.
hugs,
live
Make sure your protect yourself financially with your own account.
I know there are things far more important than money,t it is a realistic concern and you can maybe prevent future problems with an ounce of prevention now..there is all ready more than enough stress.
I emphasize this because I failed to do so, worrying only about people and not about bucks...and it has come back to bite me.
hugs,
live
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Meg,
I agree with the rest. If you have, indeed, decided it is time to move on with your life, you need to think logically. Yeah, yeah, I know...easy for me to say since I'M NOT the one having to do this. But Meg, for your sake and the kids, you have to think about your security. I think consulting an attorney as to your rights about the business would be a very wise idea. I'd see that as money well spent in order to insure a secure future for you and the kids.
Meg, do what is BEST for you. You have to look out for yourself! If you've decided you can't stay with him anymore, than stick to your guns and move forward. The only thing that awaits you is a better life....
Love,
Hangin' In
I agree with the rest. If you have, indeed, decided it is time to move on with your life, you need to think logically. Yeah, yeah, I know...easy for me to say since I'M NOT the one having to do this. But Meg, for your sake and the kids, you have to think about your security. I think consulting an attorney as to your rights about the business would be a very wise idea. I'd see that as money well spent in order to insure a secure future for you and the kids.
Meg, do what is BEST for you. You have to look out for yourself! If you've decided you can't stay with him anymore, than stick to your guns and move forward. The only thing that awaits you is a better life....
Love,
Hangin' In
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
I cannot even begin to explain how appreciative I am of your help... To tell you the truth, I wasn't thinking about the money as logically as I should. Thank you.
I just talked to him. He is safe for now... In his truck, pulled over somewhere - beginning to get sober. I worry that he will do something drastic, but I cannot get carried away on that thought. I can only look out for myself right now.
Yes... the time HAS come. I have decided that for now it is over. I am surprisingly very strong on this decision. I even talked to his parents because they have a right to know what is going on with the family business. They are behind me 100%.... and of course they are heartbroken, and terrified for him. But it feels good to have it all out in the open.
I still don't know what might happen from one minute to the next... I am literally living one second at a time right now.
Meg
I just talked to him. He is safe for now... In his truck, pulled over somewhere - beginning to get sober. I worry that he will do something drastic, but I cannot get carried away on that thought. I can only look out for myself right now.
Yes... the time HAS come. I have decided that for now it is over. I am surprisingly very strong on this decision. I even talked to his parents because they have a right to know what is going on with the family business. They are behind me 100%.... and of course they are heartbroken, and terrified for him. But it feels good to have it all out in the open.
I still don't know what might happen from one minute to the next... I am literally living one second at a time right now.
Meg
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
Meg,
I know EXACTlY where you're at. First and foremost is protect yourself financially, whatever you need to do. Make sure you have enough money put aside to take care of yourself. It's hard to think of all the things you need to do in the middle of the emotions, but wise to do them before the sh&t hits the fan. Talk to your lawyer and accountant. Since he is taking the money out of the account, just my opinion, but I would open up another account w/just your name on it. Put some money in it. Be sure to write a check and leave a trail, so you aren't ever accused of embezzling. I say that because that is what happened when I left once 5 yrs. ago, he tried to cast all the "no money" blame on me and was trying to convince everyone I was embezzling it. Always my fault there's no money.....but where is the one who is supposed to handle making it? Yea right, $50.00 that his mom couldn't account for...kiss my a$$. I believe I bought socks and underwear for the kids.
I know EXACTlY where you're at. First and foremost is protect yourself financially, whatever you need to do. Make sure you have enough money put aside to take care of yourself. It's hard to think of all the things you need to do in the middle of the emotions, but wise to do them before the sh&t hits the fan. Talk to your lawyer and accountant. Since he is taking the money out of the account, just my opinion, but I would open up another account w/just your name on it. Put some money in it. Be sure to write a check and leave a trail, so you aren't ever accused of embezzling. I say that because that is what happened when I left once 5 yrs. ago, he tried to cast all the "no money" blame on me and was trying to convince everyone I was embezzling it. Always my fault there's no money.....but where is the one who is supposed to handle making it? Yea right, $50.00 that his mom couldn't account for...kiss my a$$. I believe I bought socks and underwear for the kids.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Meg,
I understand where you are. I am not quite at that point but almost. I agree that seeing a lawyer is a good first move. I have found that the less I tell my husband about what I am thinking and planning the better. Perhaps you can cut off your contact with him somewhat and start working with the lawyer.
I hope Kitty checks in here soon as she has had a simular experience. My prayers are with you. You deserve a better life today.
I understand where you are. I am not quite at that point but almost. I agree that seeing a lawyer is a good first move. I have found that the less I tell my husband about what I am thinking and planning the better. Perhaps you can cut off your contact with him somewhat and start working with the lawyer.
I hope Kitty checks in here soon as she has had a simular experience. My prayers are with you. You deserve a better life today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Meg
I just re-read my last post. I'm not sure that came out right. But, I think that deep down inside we all know the difference between right and wrong. It may be hard to figure out exactly what 'the right thing to do' is but there is that little voice inside (we have talked alot about voices lately).
I know, I hear that 'little voice' occasoinally. I almost acted on it. It was time. But, my husband had a rude awakening and now he is getting help. I know that I needed to make a decision and stick with it. I just got lucky. He was the one that was forced to make the decision to help himself.
All I can say is....take care of yourself first!! From what I see it definately isn't easy sticking to these tough decisions but things will get bettter.
No Doubt
I just re-read my last post. I'm not sure that came out right. But, I think that deep down inside we all know the difference between right and wrong. It may be hard to figure out exactly what 'the right thing to do' is but there is that little voice inside (we have talked alot about voices lately).
I know, I hear that 'little voice' occasoinally. I almost acted on it. It was time. But, my husband had a rude awakening and now he is getting help. I know that I needed to make a decision and stick with it. I just got lucky. He was the one that was forced to make the decision to help himself.
All I can say is....take care of yourself first!! From what I see it definately isn't easy sticking to these tough decisions but things will get bettter.
No Doubt
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
I don't have any words of wisdom, but can let you know that you are in my prayers and we are all pulling for you.
Opening your own bank account is a very good idea. I did that a while back. Haven't needed it, but it is there for an emergency.
Stay strong and remember to breath!!!!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Constant
Opening your own bank account is a very good idea. I did that a while back. Haven't needed it, but it is there for an emergency.
Stay strong and remember to breath!!!!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Constant
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Thank you guys
Thanks for the encouragement... it means so much.
I don't even know where to start. My head is pounding, I haven't eaten... No one knows where my husband is. I got a phone call from a friend of his. I guess he called this friend and asked him to call me to tell me he is OK. What the he** does that mean?! IS he OK? or is he just trying to shut me up, stop me from tracking him down?<------- I am NOT trying to find him by the way.
My father and mother in law and I went into the bank and took his access away from all our joint acounts - business and otherwise. We found out that he has maxed out the business visa... we had them report it stolen, but with only $198 left on it, I guess it is too little too late. If my calculations are correct, he has a few thousand dollars in his possession.... that should give him a couple more days of using. And the next time he needs money? He will have a rude awakening... I can only pray that THAT alone will be enough for him to reach out for help. I want to talk to him... I am crying for him, his misery. I have done all I can to protect the kids and I... It is just a waiting game now. Will he find his way back? Has he gone to far? WILL he come back at all? Will he kill himself?
I am scared out of my mind... I am confused, and frustrated... It is moment by moment.
Thanks again for your support guys... I'll check back in a bit.
Meg
I don't even know where to start. My head is pounding, I haven't eaten... No one knows where my husband is. I got a phone call from a friend of his. I guess he called this friend and asked him to call me to tell me he is OK. What the he** does that mean?! IS he OK? or is he just trying to shut me up, stop me from tracking him down?<------- I am NOT trying to find him by the way.
My father and mother in law and I went into the bank and took his access away from all our joint acounts - business and otherwise. We found out that he has maxed out the business visa... we had them report it stolen, but with only $198 left on it, I guess it is too little too late. If my calculations are correct, he has a few thousand dollars in his possession.... that should give him a couple more days of using. And the next time he needs money? He will have a rude awakening... I can only pray that THAT alone will be enough for him to reach out for help. I want to talk to him... I am crying for him, his misery. I have done all I can to protect the kids and I... It is just a waiting game now. Will he find his way back? Has he gone to far? WILL he come back at all? Will he kill himself?
I am scared out of my mind... I am confused, and frustrated... It is moment by moment.
Thanks again for your support guys... I'll check back in a bit.
Meg
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Just a footnote... My father in law just called me to tell me he called the cops. He wanted to make sure that if my A is drinking / using that he is not driving around. My father in law probably did it for other reasons as well... I think we ALL want him to get "caught" sooner or later, so this nightmare will end.
Meg
Meg
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Oh Meg,
My thoughts are with you. Please be strong. I hope your 'nightmare' ends soon.
Try and relax... and know that right now it is out of your hands. Maybe things will end better than you ever expected. Try and be positive (easy for me to say, sitting here typing away). It's a good thing that you have your in-laws. Keep that line of communication open.
NoDoubt
My thoughts are with you. Please be strong. I hope your 'nightmare' ends soon.
Try and relax... and know that right now it is out of your hands. Maybe things will end better than you ever expected. Try and be positive (easy for me to say, sitting here typing away). It's a good thing that you have your in-laws. Keep that line of communication open.
NoDoubt
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
He called his sponser!
Hi No doubt... and Lyn, and all of you!
I don't know whether to celebrate or cry... or what. But after 5 days of non-stop alcohol / drug abuse, maxing out a visa, and having gone in hiding... He finally reached out. I have been in contact with my A's sponser (partly because he works for us sometimes) so he is aware of all that is going on. So just a few minutes ago his sponser called me and said that my A asked him to go pick him up.... I am sooo confused, and it has been a rough few days so I am not even sure of what to think of this. But I KNOW that he would not have called his sponser unless he was ready to stop using today... it would have been the last person he would have gotten in contact with. I am sighing a bit of relief that I know he is alive. His sponser asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell my A... All I said was "tell him that I love him very much... I am here if he needs to talk, but he CANNOT come home". What do you think??? I mean that is honestly what I was feeling, I DO love him... I hope this is a bottom for him. But I am NOT ready to have him in the same house... Not for a looooong time.
No Doubt, I am hoping you are right... I really am trying to focus on the positive.
Thanks again you guys... soooo much
Meg
I don't know whether to celebrate or cry... or what. But after 5 days of non-stop alcohol / drug abuse, maxing out a visa, and having gone in hiding... He finally reached out. I have been in contact with my A's sponser (partly because he works for us sometimes) so he is aware of all that is going on. So just a few minutes ago his sponser called me and said that my A asked him to go pick him up.... I am sooo confused, and it has been a rough few days so I am not even sure of what to think of this. But I KNOW that he would not have called his sponser unless he was ready to stop using today... it would have been the last person he would have gotten in contact with. I am sighing a bit of relief that I know he is alive. His sponser asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell my A... All I said was "tell him that I love him very much... I am here if he needs to talk, but he CANNOT come home". What do you think??? I mean that is honestly what I was feeling, I DO love him... I hope this is a bottom for him. But I am NOT ready to have him in the same house... Not for a looooong time.
No Doubt, I am hoping you are right... I really am trying to focus on the positive.
Thanks again you guys... soooo much
Meg
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meg
Just sending a hug, and am glad that he is okay. When my son disappears, I worry too, but learned that letting him find his own way is more productive that trying to rescue him.
I think you have done some great things. Looking after the bank, being honest with his parents, and detaching with love are all big steps forward.
My hugs and prayers go out for you. Hang in there, you are doing fine.
Just sending a hug, and am glad that he is okay. When my son disappears, I worry too, but learned that letting him find his own way is more productive that trying to rescue him.
I think you have done some great things. Looking after the bank, being honest with his parents, and detaching with love are all big steps forward.
My hugs and prayers go out for you. Hang in there, you are doing fine.
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Thanks ann,
I totally understand about where you are coming from now... I never have let him go, and let him find his way back ALL ON HIS OWN. This is a first for me. Isn't it awful tho?! the worry... the what ifs??! I had thoughts all day of his suicide - like HOW he would do it, and WHERE. I swear I felt I was going crazy. But aside from the pounding headache I have had all day, I have made it thru OK so far. I am thankful that I have learned enough about this disease lately and about my own program, to know what to do.
Meg
I totally understand about where you are coming from now... I never have let him go, and let him find his way back ALL ON HIS OWN. This is a first for me. Isn't it awful tho?! the worry... the what ifs??! I had thoughts all day of his suicide - like HOW he would do it, and WHERE. I swear I felt I was going crazy. But aside from the pounding headache I have had all day, I have made it thru OK so far. I am thankful that I have learned enough about this disease lately and about my own program, to know what to do.
Meg
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meg
Storytime .
Before I went through any of this with my son, I had a problem with my mother who was elderly, starting to lose it a little, but active. At that time she lived in a different city because she didn't want to move to where I live (later she did).
I would call her at least twice a day, just to make sure she was okay. Sometimes there was no answer, and I would worry, picturing her lying helplessly. Often, after I would get my friends to try to help find her, it would turn out that she had been at her bridge club, or a church group. She was fine...I was the nervous mess. It took time, but I learned that there was nothing I could do either way, and just learned to think "She is dead or at bridge club". It was all in God's hands.
That helped me a lot when I worried about my son. All the anx'ing in the world didn't change a thing. So I learned to stop thinking about it and focus on something else.
It takes practice, but once you learn to really let go it is sooo freeing.
Storytime
.Before I went through any of this with my son, I had a problem with my mother who was elderly, starting to lose it a little, but active. At that time she lived in a different city because she didn't want to move to where I live (later she did).
I would call her at least twice a day, just to make sure she was okay. Sometimes there was no answer, and I would worry, picturing her lying helplessly. Often, after I would get my friends to try to help find her, it would turn out that she had been at her bridge club, or a church group. She was fine...I was the nervous mess. It took time, but I learned that there was nothing I could do either way, and just learned to think "She is dead or at bridge club". It was all in God's hands.
That helped me a lot when I worried about my son. All the anx'ing in the world didn't change a thing. So I learned to stop thinking about it and focus on something else.
It takes practice, but once you learn to really let go it is sooo freeing.
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