Boundaries for Young Adult Children
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: MA
Posts: 20
Boundaries for Young Adult Children
Hey Mom's
I feel the need to post on this issue and would appreciate feedback from others who hv been where I am now. My daughter moved bk home this past Jan. I advised her before she could come bk tht I wouldn't put up with wht I hd in the past and tht I ws in a different plc now from where I ws when she left. I told her at tht time tht could see she has matured in some ways, she holds down a job and doesn't stay out late on weeknights anymore. She also hd a condition for me stating tht she would only come bk if I promised tht I wouldn't snoop anymore, or read her writings. I told her tht I did tht before bec I ws trying to mke her "see"and to prove tht I wasnt the "crazy one." I also said tht I wouldn't do tht anymore bec her behavior would tell me if she ws sliding bk down. Anyhow long story short HA-HA-- l let her come bk I didn't insist on no alcohol or drug use whtsoever bec at tht time it ws winter and I wnted her out of her current living arrangement bec I hd found out from my daughter tht there were alcoholic problems w/the landlord. He hd actually served jail time bec he hd 3 past drunk driving convictions--He doesn't drink and drive anymore but he still drinks. I feel tht my daughter hs changed in tht now she is a "functional alcoholic". I think she just parties on the weekends now I cnt prove it bec she sleeps out. She used to do alot of sleeping out last spring before she moved out. I told her this weekend tht sleeping out two nights every week wsnt acceptable to me, and tht she could only sleep out one night a week. She ws upset saying tht now she would hv to choose between her friends and of course she doesn't see wht the big deal is. She will be 20 yrs old this spring. I didn't say
it's bec I don't wnt you partying all weekend and sleeping the rest
bec she won't admit to it. But it's my home and her using does affect it so I told her tht's the way I wnt it and if she didn't wnt to do it tht way she needs to make other living arrangements-so she just said ok. Now here is where the Mom guilt comes in- If I
insist on this boundary I am taking the chance tht she will use and drive under the influence, and if something happens will it be my fault bec I knw she still hs a problem and I am telling her she cant sleep out twice a week? I knw it would be her choice to do so but, and not my choice for her--but she hs a disease of denial.
I wnt to keep her safe maybe tht part of the reason for the boundary--but am I by insisting on going to be responsible bec she saw no other option than to use and drive? I feel damned if I do and damned If I don't ---Help! Sparrow
I feel the need to post on this issue and would appreciate feedback from others who hv been where I am now. My daughter moved bk home this past Jan. I advised her before she could come bk tht I wouldn't put up with wht I hd in the past and tht I ws in a different plc now from where I ws when she left. I told her at tht time tht could see she has matured in some ways, she holds down a job and doesn't stay out late on weeknights anymore. She also hd a condition for me stating tht she would only come bk if I promised tht I wouldn't snoop anymore, or read her writings. I told her tht I did tht before bec I ws trying to mke her "see"and to prove tht I wasnt the "crazy one." I also said tht I wouldn't do tht anymore bec her behavior would tell me if she ws sliding bk down. Anyhow long story short HA-HA-- l let her come bk I didn't insist on no alcohol or drug use whtsoever bec at tht time it ws winter and I wnted her out of her current living arrangement bec I hd found out from my daughter tht there were alcoholic problems w/the landlord. He hd actually served jail time bec he hd 3 past drunk driving convictions--He doesn't drink and drive anymore but he still drinks. I feel tht my daughter hs changed in tht now she is a "functional alcoholic". I think she just parties on the weekends now I cnt prove it bec she sleeps out. She used to do alot of sleeping out last spring before she moved out. I told her this weekend tht sleeping out two nights every week wsnt acceptable to me, and tht she could only sleep out one night a week. She ws upset saying tht now she would hv to choose between her friends and of course she doesn't see wht the big deal is. She will be 20 yrs old this spring. I didn't say
it's bec I don't wnt you partying all weekend and sleeping the rest
bec she won't admit to it. But it's my home and her using does affect it so I told her tht's the way I wnt it and if she didn't wnt to do it tht way she needs to make other living arrangements-so she just said ok. Now here is where the Mom guilt comes in- If I
insist on this boundary I am taking the chance tht she will use and drive under the influence, and if something happens will it be my fault bec I knw she still hs a problem and I am telling her she cant sleep out twice a week? I knw it would be her choice to do so but, and not my choice for her--but she hs a disease of denial.
I wnt to keep her safe maybe tht part of the reason for the boundary--but am I by insisting on going to be responsible bec she saw no other option than to use and drive? I feel damned if I do and damned If I don't ---Help! Sparrow
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hi (((sparrow))))
oh such hard decisions to make.
but, all i can say is i believe she will use
or not and it wont have anything to do with
what you say. she is responsible for her actions
so dont feel guilty, if the boundary you make is
right for you and causes you the least anguish
then thats the way it is.
my daughter is an alcoholic and even though she
is back with her husband when she did live here
she drank no matter what i did or said, the outcome
of all my "help" was my own craziness. my son lives
here also and when he drank heavy it also didnt matter
what i said or did , again i was the crazy one.
Our children have addictions and we can set the rules
but i do believe sparrow that the addictions are just
way to big too for any control by us.
Its not all doom though I have hope for all our children
and in the meantime think of yourself, a real struggle
when of cource we want them safe and sound.
love
liddy
oh such hard decisions to make.
but, all i can say is i believe she will use
or not and it wont have anything to do with
what you say. she is responsible for her actions
so dont feel guilty, if the boundary you make is
right for you and causes you the least anguish
then thats the way it is.
my daughter is an alcoholic and even though she
is back with her husband when she did live here
she drank no matter what i did or said, the outcome
of all my "help" was my own craziness. my son lives
here also and when he drank heavy it also didnt matter
what i said or did , again i was the crazy one.
Our children have addictions and we can set the rules
but i do believe sparrow that the addictions are just
way to big too for any control by us.
Its not all doom though I have hope for all our children
and in the meantime think of yourself, a real struggle
when of cource we want them safe and sound.
love
liddy
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Sparrow,
I am wondering what is the difference between one night or two? I wouldn't let my son stay out all night at all while living in my home and he was 28. When he started doing that I began making plans for him to leave. I also wouldn't tolerate him using while he was living here. At home or out side the home. When I found out he was I began making plans for him to leave.
I would rather see you take a stand on something that really maters to you than half a stand on something that you seem willing to accept.
Hugs,
JT
I am wondering what is the difference between one night or two? I wouldn't let my son stay out all night at all while living in my home and he was 28. When he started doing that I began making plans for him to leave. I also wouldn't tolerate him using while he was living here. At home or out side the home. When I found out he was I began making plans for him to leave.
I would rather see you take a stand on something that really maters to you than half a stand on something that you seem willing to accept.
Hugs,
JT
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