Newcomer

Old 12-05-2006, 01:55 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 15
Unhappy Newcomer, Please help/advise

Hi All,

I am the loved one of a previously loving and caring person who can drink until he passes out.

I love him dearly and want to help him but the months of hurt and upset have finally taken their toll on me and i feel that i should wave good bye to him which i don't want as i see the man in him occasionally that he previously was.

How do i help him without making myself ill in the process. Will he ever see what he's doing to himself/us instead of thinking that i'm soft and will allow this crap to go on forever?!!!
YoungPo is offline  
Old 12-05-2006, 02:12 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 15
Hi People.

First of all i want to say how i admire you all for the strength that you have.

Question - how does a non alcoholic help someone realise that he may well be?

Take care
x
YoungPo is offline  
Old 12-05-2006, 09:59 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zoey's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome to SR, sorry you didn't get any replys right away. Please don't let that discourage you. Like anywhere mistakes happen.

The drinker usually knows they have a problem. All the ones that care about them can do is read up on this disease, find Al-Anon to keep ourselves sane and to find out what does not work.
Yes, that seems sad, but that seems all we can do, unless there is a way to do an intervention. Interventions are risky, we need a expert on that to help, and takes lots of planning.
Learn all you can and sometimes it is best to wave good-bye .
Tell us if you are married to this person? How long you have known him.
Keep coming back!
Zoey is offline  
Old 12-05-2006, 10:12 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hi Youngpo, glad you're here

If you've been reading around the forum, you'll see a lot of advice to take care of you. Sometimes that can be read as not caring about the alcoholic, but it's not true. I became unable to help anyone, including myself, by focusing all my attention on the alcoholic. By turning the focus back on me - the only person I can control - I have changed my life for the better. I am no good to anyone else if I am not taking care of me.

Read the stickys here, educate yourself on the disease, try Al-Anon and anything that will give you face to face support, post here. You are not alone in this - by reaching out you are making a good start.

Take care and keep posting!
denny57 is offline  
Old 12-06-2006, 07:02 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
rivercitybelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Originally Posted by denny57 View Post
I am no good to anyone else if I am not taking care of me.
This is an excellent point but is hard for us to do as we're usually busy taking care of everyone else.
Somedays taking care of you can be as simple as slowing down for a moment and seeing a sunset. Or being nice to yourself by treating yourself to something special... Or taking 5 minutes to just be you... not someone's mom or husband or wife just you. It's like a pause.
Slowly the world comes back into focus for you. The A's in our lives want everything to be about them and although they may play an important role in our life, it is still OUR life.
Welcome to SR, we're glad you are here.
rivercitybelle is offline  
Old 12-06-2006, 07:20 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 15
Thanks for replying you've all made my day, i guess Al Anon is a support group right?

I've been with him for 4 years now and to start he didn't have a problem, to cut a long story short, he was in the Army and served in Northern Ireland and saw things that i would have nightmares about.

We got together and were happy then 4 weeks later my mum died, abt 18months after that his father died and then less than a year ago my nan dies so it's been pretty tough. His family were all all drinkers, yet have turned their backs on him which i think he is having a problemhandling considering his brother is a major alcoholic/transvestite. Nothing wrong with that (cross dressing) but my hun was always the good boy who rushed to help everyone and now they don't want to know, he doesn't want anything at all from them just not to be barred from the 'family home' which is currently is.

i think all of the above have caused/helped to cause the issue he's had nothing to drink that i know of this week so has been sober for two days which is why i question to myslef is he an A or not and what makes one?

Thx
x
YoungPo is offline  
Old 12-06-2006, 09:37 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
lilac's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Work on you. The alcoholic must work on him/herself. It is so hard, I know. But please know that you have friends here that understand.
lilac is offline  
Old 12-06-2006, 11:10 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
been searching for the dream
 
IrshIzNotSmilin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by YoungPo View Post
Hi All,

I am the loved one of a previously loving and caring person who can drink until he passes out.

I love him dearly and want to help him but the months of hurt and upset have finally taken their toll on me and i feel that i should wave good bye to him which i don't want as i see the man in him occasionally that he previously was.

How do i help him without making myself ill in the process. Will he ever see what he's doing to himself/us instead of thinking that i'm soft and will allow this crap to go on forever?!!!
I am newly married about 2 years to a loving and caring person who can drink but he never passes out. I love him dearly but I know that I can't help him. Many people here will tell you to focus on you. Reading as denny suggested the forum will help. I totally know how you feel. I am on the fence too about staying or leaving. It does take its toll on us. You ask how to help him without making yourself ill in the process, in my opinion if I do not try to understand that I can't control this, I can't cure it, I didn't cause it I will become more ill than I feel. They won't know how we feel or what is happening until they are ready to realize that. We all have to make our own decision as to what we can and can't tolerate. How we want to live. I hope this helps. stay around here and read. Try to find al-anon. All of these things are a great help.
IrshIzNotSmilin is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 01:21 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 15
I found a local Al-Anon meeting last night and spoke to a nice lady called Carol who is going to meet me before the meeting so that i don't bottle out. I think i may have thrown him out by then though or he'll at least be packed.

We had a argument last night as he couldn't find his licence - guess who's fault that was?? He dropped me off at work this morning and sped off. In the car for 15 minutes and he didn't say a single word to me all the way. As i sit here at my desk i'm crying once again wondering why this is happening to me and hoping against hope that he'll have a moment of clarity today and realise what has been going on but he won't and i might as well accept that he's lost forever.
YoungPo is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 07:42 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cynay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR... Im so sorry your hurting like this.

One thing that did help me is to remember this is a sick person.... so dont take his words or actions to heart.... It really has nothing to do with you.

As far as if he is an Alcoholic..... Does not matter and its really not your place to lable him. What does matter is you have a problem with his drinking, You have a problem with his attitude when he drinks. I have to say that you can not control him..... if he is an Alcoholic its a progressive disease. The only thing you can do is get help for yourself, you are the only one that you can control.

Im glad you are going to a meeting and Carol is meeting you. I know how hard it is to walk through that door. They say to go to 6 different meetings (they are not all the same) before you decide if Al-anon can help you. I can tell you it helped me.

I look forward to getting to know you... stick around and keep posting. You are not alone and we really do understand.
Cynay is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 08:25 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by YoungPo View Post
i might as well accept that he's lost forever.
Forever is a long time. You don't have to accept that. Just accept the fact that he is lost right now. Put away the crystal ball and do what you need to do today. If I get too caught up in the past or what may happen in the future, it distracts me from today.

Best wishes to you.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 08:56 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
((((((((((((youngpo))))))))))))) DETACH - DETACH - DETACH

If you do this it will save your sanity. Just keep your side of the road clean and never mind about his - he will face his own consequences soon enough. And when he does will you be at his side? Maybe you will and maybe you wont. It's a personal thing. I was so good at the detachment thing that I didnt get involved in his driving issues. But that was me...and that was what I had to do for me to keep my side of the road seperated from his. Take of yourself and only yourself. He is all grown up and can handle is business. With booze or without it. And if he doesn't - the law will. Take care

Janit
Janitw is offline  
Old 01-02-2007, 01:47 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 15
Thanks all for your support, it is most appreciated, well after beginning to wonder whether he had started to clean up his act - buying a house etc, he's been since since 27th december. Shows how naive i can be i guess.

Why can't e just wake up anad this whole nightmare will be over, for the moment he haas a agood job and two nice cars, one of which the companay pays for! Why can he not see that he stands to lose them all - me included! I can't cry anmore and i'm barely eating just smoking myself silly which isn't any better for me than he is right now.
YoungPo is offline  
Old 01-02-2007, 07:45 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Did you go to that Al-Anon meeting?
denny57 is offline  
Old 01-03-2007, 01:40 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 15
No i'm ashamed to say but i have been in touch with a counsellor though as i feel that i have issues of my own to discuss
YoungPo is offline  
Old 01-03-2007, 07:20 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cynay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
YoungPo.....

There is no shame in taking care of yourself. We ALL have issues, the difference is only a strong person will seek out a way to change.... getting rid of what does not work and making what does work better.

Please dont feel that way.... Today I have an appointment with my therapist... and I have been seeing them off and on for 16 years. No one gave me a manual on how to live life and I find no shame in going to get professional help to learn how.
Cynay is offline  
Old 01-03-2007, 07:41 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I'm new here so I'm squeamish about saying too much to those still living with their's A's. From my brief time here, I think Al-anon is not about getting your A to quit...it's really not about them at all..other than their affect on YOU. Ala-non, or so it seems to me...is about working on you and your relationship with yourself...how to find the joy and hope within you. I'm also an alcoholic...so I know, it had to be my decision to throw down the bottle. At AA I have heard of those who have finally seen the light cuz they were forced to go to AA by court order or whatever...but they are the lucky ones...who get it against their initial will. Somewhere along the line they saw the light...for themselves.
Nuudawn is offline  
Old 02-12-2007, 04:43 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 15
Well it looked like things were getting better, we had a counselling session and it helped us both to see what we really do mean to each other. However he has still been drinking and i have been putting him to bed when he gets sleepy.
He's at home now with a cold and headache, i just called to see if he was ok and he sounds like he may have had a drink though he says that he hasn't. I really don't know what to do for the best, the reason why i'm not cyring now is because i share a office and the other person is in today. I can't concentrate on work because my mind is with him.

I wish i knew if there was anythign that i could do to actually help him, i know he has to wake up and help himself but is there anything that i can do to help get him there?
YoungPo is offline  
Old 02-12-2007, 09:10 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by YoungPo View Post
I wish i knew if there was anythign that i could do to actually help him, i know he has to wake up and help himself but is there anything that i can do to help get him there?
Concentrate on you. Do you attend Al-Anon or any other support group? Be an example of healthy living.

Take care.
denny57 is offline  
Old 02-19-2007, 05:48 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 15
I haven't been to any as yet, i'm worried about running into someone that we know.
YoungPo is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:41 AM.