CatsTail

Hi Everyone,

On Saturday night after our 6pm A.A meeting we go out for supper. I was sitting with one of my girl friends and a guy from the meeting. Every second sentence that he said was a huge red flag. Finally jokingly I said to him "Thanks for all the info you've given us about yourself, it tells me to stay away from you. Usually I'd have been totally hooked in by everything you've said to us but now it's warning bells.

He took it well, even paid for my supper and to me HE'S A HOT BURNER AND DON'T TOUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahahahahahhaha

Ngaire

mushroom

Hah! that's great. Good for you! The world sure looks different now doesnt' it? Now you can see past the bright flashy lures to the triple barbed hooks behind them.

mazey

I indeed think we look at things alot differently. Someone this week told me if/when I get ready to "look" again, not to look in the swamp! But, my reply was I think I'll be overly critical.....any thoughts on that?

denny57

I don't know if I'd call it a swamp - but I agree it's a good idea to go looking in places - physical, intellectual and emotional - I won't repeat the past. I have met some men who I think are terrific - I'm not "dating" yet because I'm not divorced. I figure when I no longer have to say "I"m getting divorced" I'll start dating. That's just a criteria for me LOL.

For me it's been doing the work ON me. I find myself less critical of others because I'm accepting my own faults. There will always be red flags for me - an overt love of alcohol, let's say :-) - but my hope is to be in a place where I can recognize the things that matter and those that don't.

It's been quite the journey.

an'ka

Denny57, I feel the same way. Because I haven't lived with my AH for a year now, and our marriage was really rocky before that, all my friends are urging me to get out there and "date". Well, it sounds really good, but I can't help but feel that I would be inviting even more complexity into my life. If I was divorced for good, sure. I get told, oh, at least go and find yourself a "friend with benefits"--I don't think it would be that easy for me. Have sex with somebody and not have any strings attached--some women can do it, but most that I know can't. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time. Would I like affection and somebody to share my days with? Yes. Do I want more chaos? No, not really. So, it's a cup of coffee, a good book, and a company of a lovely 2 year old for me...

CatsTail

Right now my company is a 13 year old, a good book, movies and A.A meetings.

And that feels just fine to me.

The less chaos in my life the better.

Ngaire

denny57

I've always been fine being on my own, so it isn't that. I also enjoy having someone in my life. In the last year, there have been several men who have come into my life, 2 of them have asked me out. I think they are all good men with healthy egos.

The other day I was talking with a friend and it dawned on me something they all had in common - none of them had anything bad to say about the women they had been with. We all have horror stories - so I don't mean that, but they do not in any way, shape or form attack their exes' characters.

I find that very appealing. Before, I think my ego would have had to hear that they hadn't met true goodness until they met me LOL. I don't think I need to hear anymore just how special I am. I realize now there is a difference between needing to hear that and appreciatinghearing that.

If any of that makes sense . . . in any event, I continue to learn to listen to myself, not anyone else, about what is right for me. Opinions are always welcome, but the decision rests with me.

(((())))s to all.

AllTooSober

Awesome post, Denny! Thanks!

mazey

Denny, that made me grin when you talked about the "positive" attitude those men had re: ex's. I am definitely going to be looking for positive attitude and easy smiles, warm eyes! Also, find out what they do with their spare time! (NOT sitting in a bar drinking beer w/ buddies!) I'm not ready for looking yet, but I will be considering it. And, I am kinda thinking about it and what I will be looking for. THEN, going very slow! But, at my age I don't have that anxiousness to get back in the dating game. I am so enjoying the peace! I almost think I could do this for a long time....

CatsTail

That has become a red flag when they start running down their exes. I'd like not hear that anymore from a man.

Ngaire

denny57

And it's why I won't run down my ex, either. It says more about me than it could ever say about him.

mazey

Good point....After all we loved them, spent a big chunk of our lives with them. Mine is a good man....just a problem I can't live with anymore. I actually tonight was thinking about what a fair man he could be, and how he likes to teach apprentices in his trade. Why, oh why?.....

CatsTail

Well one thing I'll be looking for what they do in their spare time is if they play golf, and if they do I'll be RUNNING in the other direction.