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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 3
First Time Post
I have been with my husband since we were teenagers, we have been together 15 years. He drank when we were younger to excess but I thought that was because "we were teenagers" and would grow out of it.
He worked for five years with a man that did not drink- life was good. But five years ago he started working for another company- where the large majority are heavy drinkers. This includes going to the bar a few days/nights per week, losing track of time, not coming home- passing out and blacking out. The black outs occur at least 4 times a year.
My husband tells me that he drinks in large part because of me. He doesn't like to hear my voice and would prefer that I write anything I have to say down. I constantly worry that he will drive- and hurt someone/himself. He tells me that I am the only wife that has a problem and that it is my problem.
He carries beer in the back of his truck, when he drinks hard liquor- that is another story. Black outs and beligerence.
As ridiculous as this sounds, my husband has started smoking cigarettes this past year as well. Why would he start smoking in his thirties- when all of the people we know who smoke- say they wished they had never started? My grandfather just died from lung cancer?
All of that being said- he has a very good heart. We have an 18 month old and another baby on the way. He feels I pay too much attention to the baby and not to him- so he hangs out with his single friends.
We went to a Christian counselor about 6 months ago- where my husband told the counselor that he was an alcoholic- but that he would NEVER stop drinking because he enjoys it.
I do not know what to do... I am soo tired. Out of the past three months - he has drank every day but one. When he has tried to stop in the past- our lives are even more miserable, because then he is not happy.
I have a friend that recommended Al-anon, but frankly I am scared that I will get the support that I need to leave him and that makes me incredibly sad.
He worked for five years with a man that did not drink- life was good. But five years ago he started working for another company- where the large majority are heavy drinkers. This includes going to the bar a few days/nights per week, losing track of time, not coming home- passing out and blacking out. The black outs occur at least 4 times a year.
My husband tells me that he drinks in large part because of me. He doesn't like to hear my voice and would prefer that I write anything I have to say down. I constantly worry that he will drive- and hurt someone/himself. He tells me that I am the only wife that has a problem and that it is my problem.
He carries beer in the back of his truck, when he drinks hard liquor- that is another story. Black outs and beligerence.
As ridiculous as this sounds, my husband has started smoking cigarettes this past year as well. Why would he start smoking in his thirties- when all of the people we know who smoke- say they wished they had never started? My grandfather just died from lung cancer?
All of that being said- he has a very good heart. We have an 18 month old and another baby on the way. He feels I pay too much attention to the baby and not to him- so he hangs out with his single friends.
We went to a Christian counselor about 6 months ago- where my husband told the counselor that he was an alcoholic- but that he would NEVER stop drinking because he enjoys it.
I do not know what to do... I am soo tired. Out of the past three months - he has drank every day but one. When he has tried to stop in the past- our lives are even more miserable, because then he is not happy.
I have a friend that recommended Al-anon, but frankly I am scared that I will get the support that I need to leave him and that makes me incredibly sad.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: East Coast
Posts: 45
support needed:
Sorry to hear about your struggles. Many of us on this board have been exactly where you are. As I've stated to others, unless your H is ready to give up drinking he won't. It is rare that an alcoholic will quit before they experience a significant set back such as losing a job, having a DUI, or hurting someone or themsleves to motivate them to get help. That's the insideousness and insanity of alocholism. Until this happens, they do not realize that it's time to accept the first step, powerlessness.
Hopefully your H won't have to experience this first in order to start the road to recovery, but driving around with beer and starting other destructive habits like smoking when this was not something he normally does sounds ominous.
I highly recommend Al-anon. They will not convince you to leave your H but will instead help you to learn how to live with this disease. Focussing on you and your recovery, understanding how you might be enabling his disease, how you might be codependent, and detaching with love are what you will get out of Al-anon.
You need to detatch emotionally to where his hurtful bahavior no longer makes you crazy while you still care for and love him.
You cannot enable by mopping up the messes he creates. He needs to face his own music, even if it means dire consequences.
You need to set boundaries where he knows how much you will tolerate without being threatening.
Keep posting. Many of us find it very theraputic and I'm sure you will too.
Sorry to hear about your struggles. Many of us on this board have been exactly where you are. As I've stated to others, unless your H is ready to give up drinking he won't. It is rare that an alcoholic will quit before they experience a significant set back such as losing a job, having a DUI, or hurting someone or themsleves to motivate them to get help. That's the insideousness and insanity of alocholism. Until this happens, they do not realize that it's time to accept the first step, powerlessness.
Hopefully your H won't have to experience this first in order to start the road to recovery, but driving around with beer and starting other destructive habits like smoking when this was not something he normally does sounds ominous.
I highly recommend Al-anon. They will not convince you to leave your H but will instead help you to learn how to live with this disease. Focussing on you and your recovery, understanding how you might be enabling his disease, how you might be codependent, and detaching with love are what you will get out of Al-anon.
You need to detatch emotionally to where his hurtful bahavior no longer makes you crazy while you still care for and love him.
You cannot enable by mopping up the messes he creates. He needs to face his own music, even if it means dire consequences.
You need to set boundaries where he knows how much you will tolerate without being threatening.
Keep posting. Many of us find it very theraputic and I'm sure you will too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 3
Thank you for posting...
I feel like staying with him is like accepting his behavior, doesn't that make me a co-dendent regardless?
The Al-anon group could not hurt, right. I started going to a Church group a few months ago to work on me and to start praying.
I just know two people that have left their husbands after getting the support they needed from al-anon and that worries and scares me.
I feel like staying with him is like accepting his behavior, doesn't that make me a co-dendent regardless?
The Al-anon group could not hurt, right. I started going to a Church group a few months ago to work on me and to start praying.
I just know two people that have left their husbands after getting the support they needed from al-anon and that worries and scares me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: East Coast
Posts: 45
The decision to stay or leave is something that one must face when dealing with life with an alcoholic. At Al-anon you can be given the tools you need to learn how to cope with living with an active alcoholic. Sometimes no matter how hard you try and how hard they hurt you, you may come to the realization that you need to remove yourself from the situation.
Sometimes you figure out how to cope and you stay. The key is however, if you do not learn how to cope, the more damaging staying will be for your well being.
Reading these threads and Al-anon can help you learn to cope. Counceling could be helpful as well.
Sometimes you figure out how to cope and you stay. The key is however, if you do not learn how to cope, the more damaging staying will be for your well being.
Reading these threads and Al-anon can help you learn to cope. Counceling could be helpful as well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
cigarettes are known to go hand in hand with alcoholism to a high degree. they want to be like the other **** faced people at the bar, smoking. monkey see, monkey do, although monkeys I'd say have a lot more on the ball than overt alcoholics. ie; self destructive behavior.
Try alanon and try support groups hosted by local addiction rehab centers.
Try alanon and try support groups hosted by local addiction rehab centers.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey (((support needed)))
You won't be told you have to leave your H in Alanon but, you will be told to take care of yourself. With a child on the way I am sure it is of the upmost importance that you do take care of yourself....
If you decide you need to leave him it will hopefully be because it is the best thing for you and not because you are being pressured to do it.
Some people are able to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic some are not. Going to meetings will teach you how not to enable your H with his drinking and help you make healthy choices for you and your children. If one of the healthy choices ends up being leaving him hopefully you will be fully prepared to make that choice...
You won't be told you have to leave your H in Alanon but, you will be told to take care of yourself. With a child on the way I am sure it is of the upmost importance that you do take care of yourself....
If you decide you need to leave him it will hopefully be because it is the best thing for you and not because you are being pressured to do it.
Some people are able to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic some are not. Going to meetings will teach you how not to enable your H with his drinking and help you make healthy choices for you and your children. If one of the healthy choices ends up being leaving him hopefully you will be fully prepared to make that choice...
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Welcome to SR!!!!!!!! There are the 3 c's we need to help us cope with an alcoholic. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. It is not uncommon at all that they try to blame us for there drinking, it shifts their guilt on to us. Try to focus on you and what u can do to make ur life one u can deal with and what it will take to make u happy and secure. Support and an ear to bend is only a click away. We have all been there done that. Just know u are not alone in your struggle. Take care of u With love Kerry
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by steve11694 
cigarettes are known to go hand in hand with alcoholism to a high degree. they want to be like the other **** faced people at the bar, smoking. monkey see, monkey do, although monkeys I'd say have a lot more on the ball than overt alcoholics. ie; self destructive behavior.
Try alanon and try support groups hosted by local addiction rehab centers.
Try alanon and try support groups hosted by local addiction rehab centers.
My home group of Al-Anon is made up of about a 50/50 split - those who stayed and those who didn't. No one urges one or the other. Al-Anon is about me, not the alcoholic. I understand if you're afraid you may decide to leave. I voiced something similar when I first started therapy, too - what if I decide to leave? It scared me to death. I've since learned facing my fears and living through them is greatly empowering.
Re the cigarettes - it is also a physiological thing. You can ask your doctor or read about it by doing some research. Some studies have shown that most alcoholics do end up smoking - one constricts the blood vessels, the other opens them. I won't get into the medical details here. AH took up smoking about 3 years ago at the age of 43, about the same time the drinking really increased.
It sound like you are starting the first steps of looking out for you - take the time you need and try not to worry about making decisions right now.
Take care and keep posting!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Glad you found us here. It sounds as if right now you are in a lot of emotional pain and conflicted. However, you ARE getting conflicting messages. HE DRINKS BECAUSE HE DOES NOT LIKE YOUR VOICE??? If that isn't the biggest bunch of hooey, I don't know what is. And he is asking you to write him notes when you have something to say? Well, you have now been officially introduced to an alcoholic's looney perspective. Don't ever buy into that manipulation technique that you MAKE him drink. If that were the case, he'd be doing it because he wanted to quit hearing your voice. However, he claims he drinks because HE likes it.
I agree completely with what Denny said - Al-anon does not endorse anyone staying or leaving their partner. However, if you work on yourself the chances are good you will make your own decision as to whether to stay or go in time.
Right now your husband claims he will never quit drinking. Nothing is written in stone. If he gets in trouble with the law, starts losing jobs, has financial difficulties, starts having health problems ... he may decide to quit. But it has to be his decision, just as it has to be your decision to leave or stay when you feel the time is right.
Keep posting. You'll get support here and come to know a lot of wonderful people who have lived with situations similar to your's.
I agree completely with what Denny said - Al-anon does not endorse anyone staying or leaving their partner. However, if you work on yourself the chances are good you will make your own decision as to whether to stay or go in time.
Right now your husband claims he will never quit drinking. Nothing is written in stone. If he gets in trouble with the law, starts losing jobs, has financial difficulties, starts having health problems ... he may decide to quit. But it has to be his decision, just as it has to be your decision to leave or stay when you feel the time is right.
Keep posting. You'll get support here and come to know a lot of wonderful people who have lived with situations similar to your's.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 3
Thank you to everyone who responded. I feel so alone, I do not feel comfortable talking to my friends about his heavy drinking because I want everyone to like him.
His parents, siblings have come to me on a few different occasions asking if his drinking is a problem- and they wish they could get him to stop. But in the same breath- the moment we stop by their house, his parents get out wine, hard liquor, etc for him. Talk about mixed messages.
His family has addiction problems; alcohol, prescription drugs and mental disorders. I am afraid that my hubby suffers from severe depression and the alcohol feeds the depression and vice versa.
As you probably can tell- I am stressed. Having a toddler and another one on the way.... I feel like I could provide a more stable, healthy environment alone. I hate typing that.
I have always been a fairly confident person- but am not that way anymore. I used to surround myself with friends, but we do not have any (mutual) friends anymore that we both enjoy hanging out with.
It is hard to keep hearing the same excuses, or you hear yourself saying the same thing. "No honey, please do not cook anything (3am), you will fall asleep in a few moments." Then does it anyway and I awake to the smell of burn pizza in oven, with him passed out in bathroom, family room, computer room, etc.
Just the scent that seeps out of his pours after he has been drinking- makes me sick.
As you all can tell- I have issues. I have scheduled another counseling session with another therapist, I hope he likes this one.
His parents, siblings have come to me on a few different occasions asking if his drinking is a problem- and they wish they could get him to stop. But in the same breath- the moment we stop by their house, his parents get out wine, hard liquor, etc for him. Talk about mixed messages.
His family has addiction problems; alcohol, prescription drugs and mental disorders. I am afraid that my hubby suffers from severe depression and the alcohol feeds the depression and vice versa.
As you probably can tell- I am stressed. Having a toddler and another one on the way.... I feel like I could provide a more stable, healthy environment alone. I hate typing that.
I have always been a fairly confident person- but am not that way anymore. I used to surround myself with friends, but we do not have any (mutual) friends anymore that we both enjoy hanging out with.
It is hard to keep hearing the same excuses, or you hear yourself saying the same thing. "No honey, please do not cook anything (3am), you will fall asleep in a few moments." Then does it anyway and I awake to the smell of burn pizza in oven, with him passed out in bathroom, family room, computer room, etc.
Just the scent that seeps out of his pours after he has been drinking- makes me sick.
As you all can tell- I have issues. I have scheduled another counseling session with another therapist, I hope he likes this one.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
SupportNeeded said: "I feel like staying with him is like accepting his behavior, doesn't that make me a co-dendent regardless?"
I hope I did that quote thing right, am new to the website...anyway, I was trying to quote SupportNeeded because I totally relate to that sentence. I keep asking myself the same thing.
It seems my coping strategies change every day. They quickly don't work, so try the next thing. I'm about a year into this married-to-an-alcoholic mess. I came here for the first time last night.
I commisserate, SupportNeeded. I have similar fears. But I'm afraid (another fear) I am going to have to leave him. I have a lot to sort out logistically before I can but I think I have to leave him.
Take care,
Acushla
I hope I did that quote thing right, am new to the website...anyway, I was trying to quote SupportNeeded because I totally relate to that sentence. I keep asking myself the same thing.
It seems my coping strategies change every day. They quickly don't work, so try the next thing. I'm about a year into this married-to-an-alcoholic mess. I came here for the first time last night.
I commisserate, SupportNeeded. I have similar fears. But I'm afraid (another fear) I am going to have to leave him. I have a lot to sort out logistically before I can but I think I have to leave him.
Take care,
Acushla
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 38
And the scent from his pores..oh boy! I am with you there! I HATE the smell of the two kinds of beer he drinks and the vodka. I've forgotten what he smells like, his own really nice male scent. It's GONE. I've gotten such a reaction that the SIGHT of vodka bottles on the shelves at the store make me start freaking out! I want to kill all vodka, break all the bottles, spill it out. I have begun to see the world as peddling this poison and everyone out there thinks it's just jolly!
I don't think it is healthy for me to go around feeling so much anger and loathing now. I loved him, pure and clean, at the start. I don't think a marriage can survive incorporating this kind of negative feeling between two people. It is horribly sad.
I don't think it is healthy for me to go around feeling so much anger and loathing now. I loved him, pure and clean, at the start. I don't think a marriage can survive incorporating this kind of negative feeling between two people. It is horribly sad.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to you both..... Im glad you joined us.
Acushla I took the liberty of creating a new thread to welcome you to SR... that way you will not get buried in this thread and we all have a chance to welcome you to SR.
Acushla I took the liberty of creating a new thread to welcome you to SR... that way you will not get buried in this thread and we all have a chance to welcome you to SR.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Support needed how are u today!!!! You are never alone we are always here for u 24/7. I understand perfectly how u feel. Know one wants to admit how out of control their lives have become. Especially not to family who we want their approval and to feel like we are successful. That is the best part of SR. It is hard to ask for help or to get an answer we may not like. Work on figuring out what is good for u. Boundaries are great and learning what is good for u. You are never alone in this struggle we are only a click away!
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