Drinking Coffee
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Maybe not. After I divorced, I dated a few great men who just wouldn't let me be me. That was probably my fault. No matter how different they looked on the outside, they were all the same guy, just like the guy I had just divorced. I wasn't drawn to the men who had their poop together. There was familiarity in tormented men. As Embraced said, I think at some point we have to disect it all. She also said once, insantiy is defined by doing the same thing over and over and expecting a diffrent result. True but we also do the same thing over and over when we don't disect things and we just want to find someone who knows what its like to be hurt. We don't see our place in anyones life who doesn't need us. We don't even consider that someone may actually come into a relationship with something to give. What do you love about this woman most?
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I think one thing many codependants do is over think things. Many people just keep keeping on while some just keep analizing the s*** out of something. Just keep the focus on u and take care of yourself. If it is meant to be it will be!! My issue surfacing Ya think K
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
oprah, my queen, has a life coach, psychologist, or something or other on her show that says......we are emotionally wounded in life...some worse than others, but there is basically no degree of hurt....hurt just hurts...it's all in ones perception, and each persons perception is their own reality.
so from these emotional wounds we suffer, mainly gained through childhood, we unintentionally re-create the same situation over and over again trying to resolve the issue that hurt us so deeply.
all the men in my life, save one, looked totally different, may appear different, but after i really looked at them....they were actually all alike......emotionally unavailable.
that's what my queen, oprah, says. (where's the dang smileys?????)
love to all
jeri
so from these emotional wounds we suffer, mainly gained through childhood, we unintentionally re-create the same situation over and over again trying to resolve the issue that hurt us so deeply.
all the men in my life, save one, looked totally different, may appear different, but after i really looked at them....they were actually all alike......emotionally unavailable.
that's what my queen, oprah, says. (where's the dang smileys?????)
love to all
jeri
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Let me make a generalized statement about anything I post. If I neglect to tmake the point, I NEVER if at all possible attach any behavior to a gender and I think that people who do are somewhat ignorant. Once someone starts making "gender" like "all women or all men......" Something clicks off in my head. Denny of course what you say is true, it can apply to any gender.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Mr. C,
Have you worked with a sponsor and done a fourth and fifth step about your marriage? A fourth and fifth will help you to see your part in things and help you in future relationships.
Ngaire
Have you worked with a sponsor and done a fourth and fifth step about your marriage? A fourth and fifth will help you to see your part in things and help you in future relationships.
Ngaire
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
"You see I called over to say hello to Lady T last night"
Mr. C:
When I read this, my first thought was that you must enjoy pain because you always seem to seek it out. This woman has made it abundantly clear that she's not ready or willing to have a relationship with you. If you don't enjoy pain, why do you keep on picking up the phone? Why do you choose to ignore red flags? Why do you go to a public place where you KNOW you'll run into your ex's best friend? Because you can't let go of that relationship either.
I know you've attended Alanon and posted here for quite a long while, but you seem to still be stuck in the same place as the day you arrived, at least from my observation. It's been both painful and frustrating for me to watch. Regardless of who you're seeing at the moment, it always appears to be the same old song and dance with you.
I don't know what help I can offer at this point because you don't seem open to accepting the help from anyone.
All of this is said with the utmost respect and love.
Mr. C:
When I read this, my first thought was that you must enjoy pain because you always seem to seek it out. This woman has made it abundantly clear that she's not ready or willing to have a relationship with you. If you don't enjoy pain, why do you keep on picking up the phone? Why do you choose to ignore red flags? Why do you go to a public place where you KNOW you'll run into your ex's best friend? Because you can't let go of that relationship either.
I know you've attended Alanon and posted here for quite a long while, but you seem to still be stuck in the same place as the day you arrived, at least from my observation. It's been both painful and frustrating for me to watch. Regardless of who you're seeing at the moment, it always appears to be the same old song and dance with you.
I don't know what help I can offer at this point because you don't seem open to accepting the help from anyone.
All of this is said with the utmost respect and love.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Mr. C,
We aren't victims here but you seem to want to keep going back to that victim role.
Working with an Alanon sponsor and doing the steps iswhat helps us to see our defects of character and work on them.
Ngaire
We aren't victims here but you seem to want to keep going back to that victim role.
Working with an Alanon sponsor and doing the steps iswhat helps us to see our defects of character and work on them.
Ngaire
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I think the one thing that got me here was this girls, come here and go away , attitude toward me.
This was the confusion. As she called me a couple days ago one does see the other side again.
You really never know who has their life together right off the bat. I guess we all have different stages we go though.
Maybe this was the wrong forum for me to talk about this subject in the 1st place.
The younger girl who I have wrote about as I have found out after 3 dates ( one last night ) , drinks way too much for me.
The 1st night I met her she was a little tipsey but after 3 outings with her I see something I don't want to get into. So at least I see this big red stop sign.
Again on that seems to have her stuff together in fact has a flaw I can not deal with.
It really comes down to some basic stuff here if I might try to make a point.
Can we live with it or not.
I've seem many type of women since this path has started.
Everyone is beautiful yet damaged or flawed in their own way.
Like myself they all have things that a partner may not like. In the end I guess we figure out what we can live with or what is too unhealthy for us.
Vails are lifted after you have seen them for awhile. Feelings toward one may never be the same for others.
Now let address running into my ex’s friend?
I’ve been in this city for 5 years now. I go out, I shop and I drive down the street.
But I never see this woman. I run into her one night, BAM!! I’m not done with my relationship.
Where the heck does that come from?
I guess I won’t leave the house. My God I have not seen this woman in years. I mean I might wonder what the heck is wrong with all these women out there that are afraid of commitment, but I do know when something is a far reach. I’m sorry FD that’s a far reach.
No Ngaire I dont look at myself as a victim, everyone here talks about what others are doing or say or how they made them feel.
Ive stepped into stuff just like everone else. Understanding it all or trying to is what I'm out for.
This was the confusion. As she called me a couple days ago one does see the other side again.
You really never know who has their life together right off the bat. I guess we all have different stages we go though.
Maybe this was the wrong forum for me to talk about this subject in the 1st place.
The younger girl who I have wrote about as I have found out after 3 dates ( one last night ) , drinks way too much for me.
The 1st night I met her she was a little tipsey but after 3 outings with her I see something I don't want to get into. So at least I see this big red stop sign.
Again on that seems to have her stuff together in fact has a flaw I can not deal with.
It really comes down to some basic stuff here if I might try to make a point.
Can we live with it or not.
I've seem many type of women since this path has started.
Everyone is beautiful yet damaged or flawed in their own way.
Like myself they all have things that a partner may not like. In the end I guess we figure out what we can live with or what is too unhealthy for us.
Vails are lifted after you have seen them for awhile. Feelings toward one may never be the same for others.
Now let address running into my ex’s friend?
I’ve been in this city for 5 years now. I go out, I shop and I drive down the street.
But I never see this woman. I run into her one night, BAM!! I’m not done with my relationship.
Where the heck does that come from?
I guess I won’t leave the house. My God I have not seen this woman in years. I mean I might wonder what the heck is wrong with all these women out there that are afraid of commitment, but I do know when something is a far reach. I’m sorry FD that’s a far reach.
No Ngaire I dont look at myself as a victim, everyone here talks about what others are doing or say or how they made them feel.
Ive stepped into stuff just like everone else. Understanding it all or trying to is what I'm out for.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Because you were rejected, you look back with unkind things to say about these women and thier families. You say that you can't know how together a womans life is right away. You say this in retrospect. As if to say, because she rejected me, there is something wrong with her. "I guess I won't leave my house". If you choose not to, the world won't stop spinning. "I might wonder what the heck is wrong with all these women out there that are afraid of commitment". That statement really says it all..You assume all the women out there want a commitment. You fail to see the common denominator in every single woman in the world and you .......is you. If you truely want to have a different ending you must at least entertain the idea that "all the women out there" do not need to change, maybe you do. You recurrently go right in with a destination in mind, if the woman messes up the plan, there is something wrong with her. I fear you have a long road of self discovery ahead. Truth is most of these women will probably go forward and make commitments on their terms, in their time. I will be honest, If my girlfreind were dating you with what you have said here, I would encourage her to end it immediately.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Mr. C,
Sorry if I offended you.
Ngaire
Sorry if I offended you.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian 
I think the one thing that got me here was this girls, come here and go away , attitude toward me.
This was the confusion. As she called me a couple days ago one does see the other side again.
You really never know who has their life together right off the bat. I guess we all have different stages we go though.
Maybe this was the wrong forum for me to talk about this subject in the 1st place.
The younger girl who I have wrote about as I have found out after 3 dates ( one last night ) , drinks way too much for me.
The 1st night I met her she was a little tipsey but after 3 outings with her I see something I don't want to get into. So at least I see this big red stop sign.
Again on that seems to have her stuff together in fact has a flaw I can not deal with.
It really comes down to some basic stuff here if I might try to make a point.
Can we live with it or not.
I've seem many type of women since this path has started.
Everyone is beautiful yet damaged or flawed in their own way.
Like myself they all have things that a partner may not like. In the end I guess we figure out what we can live with or what is too unhealthy for us.
Vails are lifted after you have seen them for awhile. Feelings toward one may never be the same for others.
Now let address running into my ex’s friend?
I’ve been in this city for 5 years now. I go out, I shop and I drive down the street.
But I never see this woman. I run into her one night, BAM!! I’m not done with my relationship.
Where the heck does that come from?
I guess I won’t leave the house. My God I have not seen this woman in years. I mean I might wonder what the heck is wrong with all these women out there that are afraid of commitment, but I do know when something is a far reach. I’m sorry FD that’s a far reach.
No Ngaire I dont look at myself as a victim, everyone here talks about what others are doing or say or how they made them feel.
Ive stepped into stuff just like everone else. Understanding it all or trying to is what I'm out for.
This was the confusion. As she called me a couple days ago one does see the other side again.
You really never know who has their life together right off the bat. I guess we all have different stages we go though.
Maybe this was the wrong forum for me to talk about this subject in the 1st place.
The younger girl who I have wrote about as I have found out after 3 dates ( one last night ) , drinks way too much for me.
The 1st night I met her she was a little tipsey but after 3 outings with her I see something I don't want to get into. So at least I see this big red stop sign.
Again on that seems to have her stuff together in fact has a flaw I can not deal with.
It really comes down to some basic stuff here if I might try to make a point.
Can we live with it or not.
I've seem many type of women since this path has started.
Everyone is beautiful yet damaged or flawed in their own way.
Like myself they all have things that a partner may not like. In the end I guess we figure out what we can live with or what is too unhealthy for us.
Vails are lifted after you have seen them for awhile. Feelings toward one may never be the same for others.
Now let address running into my ex’s friend?
I’ve been in this city for 5 years now. I go out, I shop and I drive down the street.
But I never see this woman. I run into her one night, BAM!! I’m not done with my relationship.
Where the heck does that come from?
I guess I won’t leave the house. My God I have not seen this woman in years. I mean I might wonder what the heck is wrong with all these women out there that are afraid of commitment, but I do know when something is a far reach. I’m sorry FD that’s a far reach.
No Ngaire I dont look at myself as a victim, everyone here talks about what others are doing or say or how they made them feel.
Ive stepped into stuff just like everone else. Understanding it all or trying to is what I'm out for.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Mr C - the woman is in her 20's - of course she likes to party. I liked to party in my 20's, too.
I think you came to a great place to post this - LOL - hearing so many views always give me lots to think about - and always includes viewpoints I don't want to consider, but I do anyway.
Have you done a 4th step on the marriage yet?
I think you came to a great place to post this - LOL - hearing so many views always give me lots to think about - and always includes viewpoints I don't want to consider, but I do anyway.
Have you done a 4th step on the marriage yet?
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Mr. C, you posted that you told her ..'sorry if I came on too strong, which I tend to do'. This may be a huge issue for BOTH of you. And, I just have to ask....had you given her a little space before she called you back? Let her have some time/space. I know myself if someone, friend or romantic interest had called me and I felt any kind of pressure I would have to back it off for awhile. RELAX....why be in a hurry? Maybe she is an incurable "mess" but maybe just truly trying to sort out her feelings, cuz it sounds like you like each other. How do ya know? Wish we had a crystal ball to tell us the future, and whether something is truly worth the wait & effort. Course, maybe I am the eternal optimist.....has gotten me into trouble always, trusting and seeing the best. I think that can be a fault! Sure interested in how it works out for you.....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Mr C, This is a good safe place to vent, we catch heck now and then, but we learn from it don't ya think?
4th and 5th steps are extremely good. Do you have a sponsor, they can help with 4th and 5th.
You are learning. LV and ((HUGS)) Keep us posted.
4th and 5th steps are extremely good. Do you have a sponsor, they can help with 4th and 5th.
You are learning. LV and ((HUGS)) Keep us posted.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
mixed messages are a bitch though! The most important thing is to enjoy your own company and be good to yourself. Just take a deep breathe. Some people just like drama and I am not saying this is the case with this gal but I to can be confused with yes no thing stop go thing. k
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
It's not a far reach Mr. C. Regardless of whether you intentionally ran into your ex's friend or not, you took the time and interest to catch up on all the details of your ex's life. If you were done with her and the unhealthy effect she has on you, you would not have 1) either inquiried about her or 2) listened when the information was conveyed--whether it was a result of you asking or not. I don't know which was the case.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
No, no offence taken really. I have found though with some people here and a lot of people in Alanon, that the direction of fault always lies in us. Which is rather amusing because if everyone in the world felt that way then everyone would be at fault therefore everyone would be wrong.
Fact is that there is a lot of people afraid of commitment, afraid to make a move on their own and afraid to think without finding a path from a book.
Some things in life are not black and white, not shades of grey but can be vivid in color.
I think we see this with the vast differences in opinion here that I have seemed to have drawn here.
It is funny that Mallow would tell her girlfriend what to do, I say that’s a 1st step issue. (HEHEH)
Yes I do have a sponsor, and we have gone through 4 and 5. You see the thing with that again is the past relationships.
I try not to judge a person from others I have met, not fair to them really. So why should I be judge on past event either? Life seems to be ever changing, and we pick up things from everyone.
I never really stated that all women must change, in fact I don’t think I stated that at all.
I really did not see anything about their families either…where did that come from?
When I made the statement about not leaving the house I was I was being sarcastic really.
You know so I would never run into a friend of my ex. I mean come on now, what are odds?
I think I must have touched an emotion or two with the commitment thing. Was I making a generalization?
Damn right I was. You see I do have friend of mine that have seen the same thing with women out there. It seems a lot of them just want a good time when it seems that there are guys like myself that want more then that.
What happened to the time when women looked for that in a man?
Did feminism mess that up also?
I don’t know.
I think this did entertain a lot of ideas her and I’m grateful to that.
It gave me some good things to think over and it also showed again how some people think
Fact is that there is a lot of people afraid of commitment, afraid to make a move on their own and afraid to think without finding a path from a book.
Some things in life are not black and white, not shades of grey but can be vivid in color.
I think we see this with the vast differences in opinion here that I have seemed to have drawn here.
It is funny that Mallow would tell her girlfriend what to do, I say that’s a 1st step issue. (HEHEH)
Yes I do have a sponsor, and we have gone through 4 and 5. You see the thing with that again is the past relationships.
I try not to judge a person from others I have met, not fair to them really. So why should I be judge on past event either? Life seems to be ever changing, and we pick up things from everyone.
I never really stated that all women must change, in fact I don’t think I stated that at all.
I really did not see anything about their families either…where did that come from?
When I made the statement about not leaving the house I was I was being sarcastic really.
You know so I would never run into a friend of my ex. I mean come on now, what are odds?
I think I must have touched an emotion or two with the commitment thing. Was I making a generalization?
Damn right I was. You see I do have friend of mine that have seen the same thing with women out there. It seems a lot of them just want a good time when it seems that there are guys like myself that want more then that.
What happened to the time when women looked for that in a man?
Did feminism mess that up also?
I don’t know.
I think this did entertain a lot of ideas her and I’m grateful to that.
It gave me some good things to think over and it also showed again how some people think
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Mr C I think you make some good points and ask a couple good questions.
[QUOTE=Mr. Christian;1124639]No, no offence taken really. I have found though with some people here and a lot of people in Alanon, that the direction of fault always lies in us.[QUOTE]
I don't think think is true. What is asked is "what is my part in it?" That's different from fault. Which brings me
to . . .
[QUOTE]You see I do have friend of mine that have seen the same thing with women out there. It seems a lot of them just want a good time when it seems that there are guys like myself that want more then that.[QUOTE]
You might look at this as your part being in the women you are choosing.
[QUOTE=Mr. Christian;1124639]No, no offence taken really. I have found though with some people here and a lot of people in Alanon, that the direction of fault always lies in us.[QUOTE]
I don't think think is true. What is asked is "what is my part in it?" That's different from fault. Which brings me
to . . .
[QUOTE]You see I do have friend of mine that have seen the same thing with women out there. It seems a lot of them just want a good time when it seems that there are guys like myself that want more then that.[QUOTE]
You might look at this as your part being in the women you are choosing.
Last edited by denny57; 12-04-2006 at 05:45 PM.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Im not sure denny. I dont have set woman I go to talk to. In fact some come up to me. The idea of the no strings relationship is not really new, it just seems to be more women out there looking for it. When I do ask them about it they seem to feel it protects them from getting hurt, and some of their lives are too busy for a full time guy.
Heck when we guys do this we are players.
I dont know I think there has to be some woen who have more respect for themselves, that dont wnat to just sleep around to curb their needs.
I never really asked about me ex, and no I never thought about running into a friend of hers. Maybe she was looking for me! Yeah that's it!
It's a small world really anything can happen.
Heck when we guys do this we are players.
I dont know I think there has to be some woen who have more respect for themselves, that dont wnat to just sleep around to curb their needs.
I never really asked about me ex, and no I never thought about running into a friend of hers. Maybe she was looking for me! Yeah that's it!
It's a small world really anything can happen.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Mr C!!!!!!! I don't want to sleep around to curb my needs. I'm not asking you for a date LOL - can you for just one teeny tiny minute entertain the thought that you are attracted to women who DO want to sleep around to curb their needs?
I'll use myself as an example - I've always been drawn to the artistic type. 2 serious relationships in my life - first a musician with a drug habit; second a writer with a drinking problem. Lots of artsy need to medicate myself types in between. Common denominator? ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've spent the last year figuring out why I AM ATTRACTED TO THOSE MEN. WHAT ARE THEY REPRESENTING TO ME?
Ok - I'm not shouting - there is just no dang italics anymore.
p.s. i think you've been asked this before - why did you choose superman as your avatar?
((((()))))s to you
I'll use myself as an example - I've always been drawn to the artistic type. 2 serious relationships in my life - first a musician with a drug habit; second a writer with a drinking problem. Lots of artsy need to medicate myself types in between. Common denominator? ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've spent the last year figuring out why I AM ATTRACTED TO THOSE MEN. WHAT ARE THEY REPRESENTING TO ME?
Ok - I'm not shouting - there is just no dang italics anymore.
p.s. i think you've been asked this before - why did you choose superman as your avatar?
((((()))))s to you
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
