Highly Temperamental Husband During Recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 27
Highly Temperamental Husband During Recovery
Hi everyone,
This is my very first post and so much of this is new to me.
The issue I am most struggling with right now has to do with my husband, who is two months sober today. He has been going to AA meetings consistently and we have been in marital counseling for about one month.
Since becoming sober, he has been HIGHLY temperamental and seems irritated by EVERYTHING. He's highly defensive and it is nearly impossible to communicate with him. It's not just me that senses he's more temperamental -- his Mom and I talked about it at Thanksgiving and she's noticed it too.
My question for you is whether or not this is a normal reaction? How long will this last or is the change permanent? He used to be much more easy going (we've been married for seven years, the last two of which he was binge drinking and viewing pornography... and hiding it from me). Nothing rolls off of him anymore and I'm not sure when I will reach my threshold. I feel myself getting closer to that point, but we also have a young daughter and I don't want to jump to the big "D."
I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences regarding newly sober spouses! Thank you so much!
This is my very first post and so much of this is new to me.
The issue I am most struggling with right now has to do with my husband, who is two months sober today. He has been going to AA meetings consistently and we have been in marital counseling for about one month.
Since becoming sober, he has been HIGHLY temperamental and seems irritated by EVERYTHING. He's highly defensive and it is nearly impossible to communicate with him. It's not just me that senses he's more temperamental -- his Mom and I talked about it at Thanksgiving and she's noticed it too.
My question for you is whether or not this is a normal reaction? How long will this last or is the change permanent? He used to be much more easy going (we've been married for seven years, the last two of which he was binge drinking and viewing pornography... and hiding it from me). Nothing rolls off of him anymore and I'm not sure when I will reach my threshold. I feel myself getting closer to that point, but we also have a young daughter and I don't want to jump to the big "D."
I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences regarding newly sober spouses! Thank you so much!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Hanging In There
Posts: 87
My AH has been sober 30 days tomorrow. Two months ago I went to an alanon meeting and have been going to several a week since. I am also doing counseling and have joined this forum.
All these things have been wonderful for me to help me understand the disease and I am learning how to handle things now. I haven't refined my coping skills yet but I am doing much better than I would be if I hadn't sought out help for myself.
The stickies at the top have a wealth of information, I would suggest attending alanon, continue the counseling and keep coming back here. The more you do to help yourself the better you will feel.
All these things have been wonderful for me to help me understand the disease and I am learning how to handle things now. I haven't refined my coping skills yet but I am doing much better than I would be if I hadn't sought out help for myself.
The stickies at the top have a wealth of information, I would suggest attending alanon, continue the counseling and keep coming back here. The more you do to help yourself the better you will feel.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome to SR, this is the greatest site ever.
I did not live with a recoverying person, but I am alcoholic, and Al-Anon.
I do know our nerve endings are screaming, we feel anxiety, we do not know who we are or what we want, what we think, worse for some than others.
Many mention a fog. I just wanted to be left alone, except I could tolorate meetings, as I felt they all knew how I felt. In the meetings would hear them tell my story, or one much worse.
At home we tend to feel anxiety because our bodies are wanting a drink. but we don't realize that, so we think the cat is irritateing us, or the kids, the neighbors, we think something outside ourselves is causing all this.
I think it of course this is not normal, but it is normal for the alcoholic untill they have more time.
Just my opinion, but a good breakfast helps, OJ to stabilize blood sugar. and lots of protein, also vitamins. Snacks if they will.
Check for hypoglycemia in alcoholics, my friend, long time sober gets very cranky with everyone when he doesn't eat.
Not fair that everyone needs to be patient, but thats the way it is.
Many here have lived thru the after sobriety stuff, they will be along, but sometimes Sat and Sun are a bit slow. Keep coming back, so glad you found us.
I did not live with a recoverying person, but I am alcoholic, and Al-Anon.
I do know our nerve endings are screaming, we feel anxiety, we do not know who we are or what we want, what we think, worse for some than others.
Many mention a fog. I just wanted to be left alone, except I could tolorate meetings, as I felt they all knew how I felt. In the meetings would hear them tell my story, or one much worse.
At home we tend to feel anxiety because our bodies are wanting a drink. but we don't realize that, so we think the cat is irritateing us, or the kids, the neighbors, we think something outside ourselves is causing all this.
I think it of course this is not normal, but it is normal for the alcoholic untill they have more time.
Just my opinion, but a good breakfast helps, OJ to stabilize blood sugar. and lots of protein, also vitamins. Snacks if they will.
Check for hypoglycemia in alcoholics, my friend, long time sober gets very cranky with everyone when he doesn't eat.
Not fair that everyone needs to be patient, but thats the way it is.
Many here have lived thru the after sobriety stuff, they will be along, but sometimes Sat and Sun are a bit slow. Keep coming back, so glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
hi troubled nc, glad you're here
I'd also suggest Al-Anon if you haven't gone yet. They have a publication "Living with Sobriety" and I know some meetings are tailored to that topic. I would think Charlotte has a number of meetings.
You might also want to go over and read some of the posts on the AA and Alcholics forums here. Also, open AA meetings.
Keep coming back and posting - you don't have to go through this alone.
Good luck!
I'd also suggest Al-Anon if you haven't gone yet. They have a publication "Living with Sobriety" and I know some meetings are tailored to that topic. I would think Charlotte has a number of meetings.
You might also want to go over and read some of the posts on the AA and Alcholics forums here. Also, open AA meetings.
Keep coming back and posting - you don't have to go through this alone.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Southwest, USA
Posts: 10
As others have already suggested, now is the time for you to focus on your own personal recovery from the effects of the A in your life and Al-Anon was a life-saver for me.
I would also like to share my experience on this subject and as we say in Al-Anon, take what you like and leave the rest. When my A came home from rehab, we started marriage counseling right away. Looking back now (he has 19 months sober) it was too soon for us to be in counseling. My A was struggling to life his life sober--something that he had not done for many, many years. It was not the time for us to try to address the damage that had been done in our relationship. As he recently told me, you can't save a marriage when you can't save yourself.
In our case, the counseling caused even more stress and conflict between the two of us because the wounds were too raw, my emotions were too raw, he was still caught up in the Aisms (avoiding conflict at all cost, lying for no reason to avoid conflict, etc.) I thought "well, he's sober so now we can fix it all." Unfortunately, the truth is that the work was really only just starting.
Sober does not mean recovery. It wasn't until my A really started working on a program of recovery, and I did the same, that the healing began. I suppose my point is cautionary--be careful with expections and remember that your A is taking baby steps in early sobriety. His job right now is to stay sober and to figure our how to live life that way. Your job is to figure out how to let go enough to let him learn how to do that while maintaining your own serenity and that's where Al-Anon comes in.
Best of luck and hang in there--there is hope and it is all so worth it!!
I would also like to share my experience on this subject and as we say in Al-Anon, take what you like and leave the rest. When my A came home from rehab, we started marriage counseling right away. Looking back now (he has 19 months sober) it was too soon for us to be in counseling. My A was struggling to life his life sober--something that he had not done for many, many years. It was not the time for us to try to address the damage that had been done in our relationship. As he recently told me, you can't save a marriage when you can't save yourself.
In our case, the counseling caused even more stress and conflict between the two of us because the wounds were too raw, my emotions were too raw, he was still caught up in the Aisms (avoiding conflict at all cost, lying for no reason to avoid conflict, etc.) I thought "well, he's sober so now we can fix it all." Unfortunately, the truth is that the work was really only just starting.
Sober does not mean recovery. It wasn't until my A really started working on a program of recovery, and I did the same, that the healing began. I suppose my point is cautionary--be careful with expections and remember that your A is taking baby steps in early sobriety. His job right now is to stay sober and to figure our how to live life that way. Your job is to figure out how to let go enough to let him learn how to do that while maintaining your own serenity and that's where Al-Anon comes in.
Best of luck and hang in there--there is hope and it is all so worth it!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: East Coast
Posts: 45
TNC
What you are experiencing unfortunately is normal. My W was drinking and addicted to prescription drugs for 7 years and is now sober for about 100 days including a visit to rehab. I am going through what you are going through. It's nice that they are sober but it is so difficult to deal with the brains that are mush, indecisive, and unsure of what it is they want. Their emotions and desires change by the minute.
Below is a quote from laurie6781 to one on my posts that explains the experience of the newly sober alcoholic in recovery. I have found this to be very helpful for me to understand the perspective of the recovering alcoholic.
I have found recovery to be extremely difficult. Thank your lucky stars that your H is willing to go to counseling. Mine is not. She ended up having both an emotional affair and a physical affair with people she met in rehab. Due to this painful twist, she is not ready to face the music yet and prefers to work on her sobriety. She claims to be willing to work on our marriage later when she is ready. I am trying to be patient but the facts are killing me and I wonder if ready will ever come.
Good luck to you, keep posting your thoughts, and know that what you are experiencing is normal.
************************************************** ********
She’s just like a maze where all of the walls continually change
And I’ve done all I can to stand on the steps with my heart in my hand
Now I’m starting to see, maybe’s got nothing to do with me
John Mayer
What you are experiencing unfortunately is normal. My W was drinking and addicted to prescription drugs for 7 years and is now sober for about 100 days including a visit to rehab. I am going through what you are going through. It's nice that they are sober but it is so difficult to deal with the brains that are mush, indecisive, and unsure of what it is they want. Their emotions and desires change by the minute.
Below is a quote from laurie6781 to one on my posts that explains the experience of the newly sober alcoholic in recovery. I have found this to be very helpful for me to understand the perspective of the recovering alcoholic.
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
Steady, let me share a bit of my story with you. I will put on my AA hat now, lol. When I first got sober, I did not know if I was coming or going. Yes I got a job within 3 weeks of getting sober and yes I brought home a pay check to keep a roof over my head, however........................................... .......
I was just putting one foot in front of the other, I was still in a fog, I went to meetings and the meetings after the meetings and was on the phone constantly with other AA members and soon my sponsor. WHY? Because I was so damn scared....................................AA was really the only place I felt safe, they understood, they had been in my hell.
This went on until I was about 6 months sober, when I could actually start comprehending what I was reading and the fog was starting to lift. I can tell you that it feels like your head is MUSH. No thought stays for more than a minute or two. IT IS HORRIBLE.
I would suspect that at this point your wife is still incapable of having the type of communication you want to have. I don't know how many years she drank, but you will see no miracles in 90 days.
Please go slow. Work on your Alanon program and give her time. The magic happens, but slowly, very slowly.
Yes I understand the Alanon side also, at 3 years sober my sponsor strongly suggested that it was time for me to also go to alanon. I reluntantly followed her suggestion and am ever so grateful today that I did. I am a double winner.
For a person to stop drinking and eventually become sober is a long process. There is so much crap, and their own 'lack of self worth' and the guilt, and the humilitation, and on and on and on, that it takes lots of time, and a newly recovering alkie does find strength with the AA people and AA fellowship. It is a time of trudging through quicksand, sometimes with alligators up to your butt, and a mind that just doesn't want to function. There are emotions and fears to deal with that have been numbed by alcohol for years.
And Lizzy's suggestion to attend an 'open' AA meeting weekly whether with your wife or not, will be an eye opener as you listen.
Just some thoughts that might help you.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
I was just putting one foot in front of the other, I was still in a fog, I went to meetings and the meetings after the meetings and was on the phone constantly with other AA members and soon my sponsor. WHY? Because I was so damn scared....................................AA was really the only place I felt safe, they understood, they had been in my hell.
This went on until I was about 6 months sober, when I could actually start comprehending what I was reading and the fog was starting to lift. I can tell you that it feels like your head is MUSH. No thought stays for more than a minute or two. IT IS HORRIBLE.
I would suspect that at this point your wife is still incapable of having the type of communication you want to have. I don't know how many years she drank, but you will see no miracles in 90 days.
Please go slow. Work on your Alanon program and give her time. The magic happens, but slowly, very slowly.
Yes I understand the Alanon side also, at 3 years sober my sponsor strongly suggested that it was time for me to also go to alanon. I reluntantly followed her suggestion and am ever so grateful today that I did. I am a double winner.
For a person to stop drinking and eventually become sober is a long process. There is so much crap, and their own 'lack of self worth' and the guilt, and the humilitation, and on and on and on, that it takes lots of time, and a newly recovering alkie does find strength with the AA people and AA fellowship. It is a time of trudging through quicksand, sometimes with alligators up to your butt, and a mind that just doesn't want to function. There are emotions and fears to deal with that have been numbed by alcohol for years.
And Lizzy's suggestion to attend an 'open' AA meeting weekly whether with your wife or not, will be an eye opener as you listen.
Just some thoughts that might help you.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Good luck to you, keep posting your thoughts, and know that what you are experiencing is normal.
************************************************** ********
She’s just like a maze where all of the walls continually change
And I’ve done all I can to stand on the steps with my heart in my hand
Now I’m starting to see, maybe’s got nothing to do with me
John Mayer
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 27
Thank you for all the sincere responses; I really needed to hear from each one of you.
SLSHUMAN, your note really resounded with me. We are trying to go through counseling "right away" and yes, it is PAINFUL because the wounds are so raw. At 60 days sober, he's in Step 1, struggling to admit he ever had a problem and talking about the fact that someday he hopes to be able to enjoy a glass of wine again. He would never admit that his irritability has anything to do with withdrawl symptoms. (DENIAL) He feels that perhaps because he didn't drink from sun up to sun down, or lose his job, yada, yada, that he isn't really an alcoholic. I'm in more of the ANGER phase, and I have never felt that I had such anger within me! This is probably the worst time for us to be trying to focus on the marriage, because God knows we need to focus on ourselves. I love the comment "you can't save your marriage when you can't save yourself." How unbelievably true.
I'm being blamed for a lot right now (i.e. "You're too controlling") and it's starting to break my spirit. And, in the midst of all this, I am trying to stay strong for the sake of our (toddler) daughter. It kills me to keep hearing, "Mommy, why are you crying?" "Mommy, where's Daddy?"
Church early tomorrow morning... I NEED IT!
And, I need some sleep for now...
Thanks again!
SLSHUMAN, your note really resounded with me. We are trying to go through counseling "right away" and yes, it is PAINFUL because the wounds are so raw. At 60 days sober, he's in Step 1, struggling to admit he ever had a problem and talking about the fact that someday he hopes to be able to enjoy a glass of wine again. He would never admit that his irritability has anything to do with withdrawl symptoms. (DENIAL) He feels that perhaps because he didn't drink from sun up to sun down, or lose his job, yada, yada, that he isn't really an alcoholic. I'm in more of the ANGER phase, and I have never felt that I had such anger within me! This is probably the worst time for us to be trying to focus on the marriage, because God knows we need to focus on ourselves. I love the comment "you can't save your marriage when you can't save yourself." How unbelievably true.
I'm being blamed for a lot right now (i.e. "You're too controlling") and it's starting to break my spirit. And, in the midst of all this, I am trying to stay strong for the sake of our (toddler) daughter. It kills me to keep hearing, "Mommy, why are you crying?" "Mommy, where's Daddy?"
Church early tomorrow morning... I NEED IT!
And, I need some sleep for now...Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: East Coast
Posts: 45
It is absolutely true that sober is not recovery. Recovery is working the 12 steps beginning with step one. If your H thinks that he can have a glass of wine someday, that is worriesome. The added fact that just because he did not drink all day or lose a job suggests that he does not really embrace his problem nor has he really hit bottom. Hitting bottom is the best way to motivate an alcoholic to truly begin recovery.
I don't want to sound negative but do want to prepare you for the possibility that he could relapse. Any recovering alcoholic could relapse at any time but those who hit bottom and work the program stand the best chance of success. This means that you working your program by focussing on you, detaching from his insanity, attending Al-anon, and praying will be the best thing you can do to survive regardless of what happens. What's going to happen will happen no matter what we (codependent spouses) try to do. We cannot really do anything but fix us.
I should listen to my own advice. It's easier said than done. I should go to church tomorrow myself. Right now, I'm not very happy with god. I will probably go however.
I don't want to sound negative but do want to prepare you for the possibility that he could relapse. Any recovering alcoholic could relapse at any time but those who hit bottom and work the program stand the best chance of success. This means that you working your program by focussing on you, detaching from his insanity, attending Al-anon, and praying will be the best thing you can do to survive regardless of what happens. What's going to happen will happen no matter what we (codependent spouses) try to do. We cannot really do anything but fix us.
I should listen to my own advice. It's easier said than done. I should go to church tomorrow myself. Right now, I'm not very happy with god. I will probably go however.
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