embraced2000

just as i expected, xah called again. soon as i heard his voice, i clicked the phone down.

with no contact, my days zip by.....i'm happy and content.

then he calls last wed. and again today, and i swear, it seems like a week of all the crapola again. feelings all upside down. head swimmin. angry feelin.

so i called his "court man" and let er blast. it was something that has been a bone of contention for me for sometime.

this is it....we all know the definition of insanity through the teachings of aa and al-anon. it is drilled into our heads regarding our behaviors and expectations. the court orders people to attend aa or other programs that teach the same thing about "doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome each time".

so why has "court-man" sentenced xah to so many numerous programs and half-way houses in lieu of jail time......is not courtman practicing NOT what he teaches????? court-man and xah go back 20 years of this b.s.......xah has yet to serve any jail time for his consequences.....but has been in at least 25-30 HALF-WAY HOMES ALONE!!!!!! all court ordered. all other charges have been dropped in lieu of completing yet another program and yet another half-way house. it is obvious xah is not ready for the help. is it not time that he serve jail time for all of his offenses????

these include....dui's, pi's, petition to revoke.....3 of them....yes three....breaking restraining orders, battery, domestic violence......on and on.

i'm so fed up with everything. i told courtman that he was not practicing what he preaches (in so many words), and since xah was three counties away, he was glad to not have to mess with him.

he said.....honey, i'm going to get right on this!!! i promise you, it is time for him to have the door slammed shut.

i said, save your breath.....you know you won't do anything, and i know it. i just wanted you to know that i know what's up. and what's more, i don't really care what you do with him, i just want peace in my life. and i'm going to have it whether he is locked up or not. i just wanted you to know that i think you have a double standard.

i am so full of resentment and anger right now. just can't pull up outta it.
i'm lashing out at people. i simply cannot tolerate hearing his voice on the other end of that phone. it just spins me out into outer space.

i've called my fellow al-anonians, went to meetings, read, prayed.....but i'm still so full of anger.

i want to cuss and say the nastiest words i can possibly say, but i can't think of any nasty enough.....i want to chew on a piece of leather, just chew and gnaw and growl.

hurtin so bad inside. wallerin in the ole mud hole of hate.

love to you all
jeri

embraced2000

come to think of it.....i was constantly told not to stand in th e way of him hitting his bottom.....isn't the court system doint just that?????

mazey

Ya know what, good that you are mad! Gain strength from it! Sometimes it is better than getting sad..... We sure get a touch of all the emotions. You took charge and called and said what you needed to say. Feel cleansed by it!
Tomorrow is another day, and the anger will settle down. Take care.....
AND, good for you that you could just hang up! Power, take your power back!

lilac

I am so proud of you that you were able to hang up ! ! Mazey is right, sometimes the anger fuels you.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers for comfort and peace to come to you.

embraced2000

right now, i feel like he is an insult to alcoholics.

his moral fiber is that of a spider web.

cmc

Hi jeri,
Wow... that sounds incredibly frustrating. I hope you can find some way to let off some steam and find at least a few moments 'away' from the thinking and feeling about all this. I sometimes try to find a distraction just to give my emotions a rest from such stress. I don't know what coping techniques work for you but I try to get into a project, read, watch a comedy or to get physically active. If my neighbors only knew the real reason I go out in my yard to pull weeds... they would be amazed! Besides a good cry- pulling roots out of the ground helps! Maybe some pampering?
I wish I had some smilies to cheer you up!
take care of yourself...
hugs,
cmc

Cynay

*hugs*

Boy do I know the feeling...... and the anger.

OK.... so what is it you want? Want senerity? want justice? want him to hurt? .... think it out to the end of the tape and figure out what it is you want from deep inside......

Then maybe do a 4th step on him/it.... write it all out, say every nasty thing you can think of, you can include the horrible things you would like to see happen ..... anything your heart desires put it on paper.....

Then ..... when you have blown this out, got it out of your system.... change the phone number.

Im really proud you hung up, but hearing his voice sends you into overdrive.... what can you do to prevent hearing his voice?

embraced2000

cynay......i live where i work....he calls on company phone.....we can't get called id because of the phone system we have........

all i truly want is serenity. with serenity, all other good things follow. i don't want him hurt....he's hurting enough. i don't care bout justice with his shenanigans....i was lashing out to the courtman from anger and frustration because i have no control if he calls me.

control. bingo. i feel just as frustrated now as i did when we lived together and i was trying to control his alcoholism.

everybit. i trust myself that i am not going back into the chaos of his life. i hate these feelings. i can't control what he does. but i can control what i do. so why do i slip so easily into that hole. ok....hear his voice equals out of control for me. why?..............oh well, sleep on it. this too shall pass.
luv to you all
jeri

Cynay

Sounds like maybe his voice is a trigger?...... So now that you know that much, how do you defuse the trigger.

Do you have a receptionist????? can she screen the calls? How about asking the company to change your extension???

GlassPrisoner

My Mom always told that to me about my ex. "Click" It works.

steve11694

he's doing even worse than my aw. i didn't think that could be possible. sadly it seems it is the pain that can turn them around, if anything can.

do something nice for yourself this weekend

CatsTail

Jeri,

4th step is a good idea.

Ngaire

Pick-a-name

(((Jeri))) Sounds like you just reached your limit........who can blame you?!
Hope that venting a little helped. I understand how you are feeling. It IS frustrating,at the very least.

Hope today is a better day for you.

p.s.I want to add a special word of thanks to you because so many of your posts here the last week or so have really spoken to me and been very helpful. I appreciate that, and you!

Zoey

Hope you are finding some calm today. I know it is hard as I have read the same page in a book six or more times before a sentence stuck. Pretty miserable and I couldn't distract myself.

4th step on him sounds good, I never thought of that, I write poison pen letters, then read, cross out, add and then keep to reread till part of the anger starts to fade. I never mail them. Take care. LV YA

dayxday

Jeri, so sorry that this is continuing to happen and causing you pain. I hope the "click" works and he gets it. Just keep clicking, he will get it eventually and in the meantime, when you hang up he doesn't get the opportunity to say anything that will upset you.

When I ready this the first thought that came to mind was from the movie Pure Country - when the father said to George Straight, that little white speck in the middle of chicken s*** - is still chicken s***.

I hope today is better for you - on my way to an alanon meeting and will say a prayer for you.

DesertEyes

Hey there Jeri,

Sorry you're going thru so much emotions. When I feel overwhelmed by emotions I find that doing something physical helps a lot. Usually working out, or going for a long walk, and sometimes just punching out a pillow. For me the emotions are a way of releasing the pain and fear. Pain for the marriage that is lost, for the hopes and dreams that are gone, fear for what might happen to the woman I love if she continues her addiction. For awhile there I was afraid for what _my_ life would be like, but I have since learned to turn that over to my HP... most days

Mike

IrshIzNotSmilin

Jeri, Sending you hugsssssssssssss. anger horrible feeling. Know it well as you all know. Good for you for hanging up calling the court man. Doing what you need to do. Feel the anger process it and then you will know which way to go with your emotions. Serenity will return. These are the bumps in the road. Hug Hug...Irsh