What's up with that?
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
What's up with that?
Well, I talked to him tonight. It was just a conversation for the most part...trading stories of things we've been out of the loop on since we are apart. Despite the fact that he's been in a pretty serious funk lately, he sounded OK. He wasn't drunk for sure.
Then out of the blue, he said something really weird. He said, "You know, I know a lot of people getting divorced right now it seems. I know a couple of girls who were being abused by their husbands, like really abused, not just slapped or pushed off the bed or something, but really getting beat up, and they seem to want to never leave them. I just don't know why anyone would stay with someone who abuses them. I'm glad they're finally getting divorced."
It kind of hurt me, and I wasn't sure if I should be taking it that way or not. OK, so maybe I wasn't "getting beat up," but I think I took a pretty good emotional beating almost daily for toooooooo long. Can he just not see??? Does he really just not see that he hurt me almost as bad? He's apologized for the things he did "wrong." But somehow that statement seemed to discount that whole apology. Am I reading too much into it? I guess this is why no contact is highly endorsed...here I am going back and forth on something he said. I'd been doing well with no contact, but then I thought I could handle the talk about separation of assets he has been wanting to have. We accomplished that, but then just got to talking like old friends. Till that comment.
What's up with that?
Then out of the blue, he said something really weird. He said, "You know, I know a lot of people getting divorced right now it seems. I know a couple of girls who were being abused by their husbands, like really abused, not just slapped or pushed off the bed or something, but really getting beat up, and they seem to want to never leave them. I just don't know why anyone would stay with someone who abuses them. I'm glad they're finally getting divorced."
It kind of hurt me, and I wasn't sure if I should be taking it that way or not. OK, so maybe I wasn't "getting beat up," but I think I took a pretty good emotional beating almost daily for toooooooo long. Can he just not see??? Does he really just not see that he hurt me almost as bad? He's apologized for the things he did "wrong." But somehow that statement seemed to discount that whole apology. Am I reading too much into it? I guess this is why no contact is highly endorsed...here I am going back and forth on something he said. I'd been doing well with no contact, but then I thought I could handle the talk about separation of assets he has been wanting to have. We accomplished that, but then just got to talking like old friends. Till that comment.
What's up with that?
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
It's all in how one perceives something.
Many many years ago, AH and I had gone to visit another couple that had been friends of ours years ago that we'd even went to school with. We didn't make it a habit, but I clearly remember AH commenting about how the husband treated his wife. How he degraded her with hurtful comments, etc. I remember, like you, feeling it was odd that AH couldn't see that while her husband was insulting her and putting her down - here my AH was out drinking, not coming home after work, getting verbally abusive when he'd come home drunk, etc - and he couldn't see it????
I realized though that when one looks at themselves, they don't see themselves objectively. Also, it depends on what a person considers abuse. Not everyone has come to realize that verbal abuse and emotional abuse is still abuse.
Please don't put too much thought into what your AH said. It's hard to tell how he perceives himself in the marriage role that he had with you. Hard to tell what he really remembers - or if he just believes that physical abuse is the only abuse. I can't read his mind, and neither can you.
You said yourself you'd been doing really well until this conversation.
For one thing, I think that often times codependant's are overly sensitive and we read things into what is or isn't being said. And we can take things too personally as well.
Please don't let this get to you.
He did what he did - you suffered emotionally. It's that simple regardless of how he veiws it.
Many many years ago, AH and I had gone to visit another couple that had been friends of ours years ago that we'd even went to school with. We didn't make it a habit, but I clearly remember AH commenting about how the husband treated his wife. How he degraded her with hurtful comments, etc. I remember, like you, feeling it was odd that AH couldn't see that while her husband was insulting her and putting her down - here my AH was out drinking, not coming home after work, getting verbally abusive when he'd come home drunk, etc - and he couldn't see it????
I realized though that when one looks at themselves, they don't see themselves objectively. Also, it depends on what a person considers abuse. Not everyone has come to realize that verbal abuse and emotional abuse is still abuse.
Please don't put too much thought into what your AH said. It's hard to tell how he perceives himself in the marriage role that he had with you. Hard to tell what he really remembers - or if he just believes that physical abuse is the only abuse. I can't read his mind, and neither can you.
You said yourself you'd been doing really well until this conversation.
For one thing, I think that often times codependant's are overly sensitive and we read things into what is or isn't being said. And we can take things too personally as well.
Please don't let this get to you.
He did what he did - you suffered emotionally. It's that simple regardless of how he veiws it.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
So it boils down to a matter of degree
Abuse is abuse. You don't have to get a black eye or a broken arm, or bruised ribs to be abused. Do you see where your AH's thinking is messed up big-time??? It is as if he is saying to you, "I didn't beat the he** outta you, so all the emotional garbage is no big deal." HE IS DISCOUNTING YOU.
He is denying what he did to you. Do you think if he gave two cents he would diminish the pain he caused you by comparing it to a woman being physically beaten?
Don't listen to his quacking. We have all heard it. After awhile we just have to consider the source from which it comes, and that source is a sick puppy. It took me several lifetimes to realize the filth, rage, hatred, and denigration my AH was spewing my way was not about me. How could it be? His drinking was in his "control." So was his rage. I only came to realize all the junk being tossed at me had to do with HIM.
I feel for you so much and I know what you're going through. Believe me, all of us do. You were abused. He is incapable of comprehending how he abused you. At this point in time, he is incapable of having a healthy realtionship, so why expect him to acknowledge that his emotional abuse is bad? He is simply focusing on guys who beat up on women to make his own abuse seem acceptable.
Yeah, like guys who curse their wives and destroy their very character are a whole lot better than men who beat their wives ... please.
Hang on. You are a person of value. You are loved. You are worthwhile. Regardless of what garbage he is telling you.
He is denying what he did to you. Do you think if he gave two cents he would diminish the pain he caused you by comparing it to a woman being physically beaten?
Don't listen to his quacking. We have all heard it. After awhile we just have to consider the source from which it comes, and that source is a sick puppy. It took me several lifetimes to realize the filth, rage, hatred, and denigration my AH was spewing my way was not about me. How could it be? His drinking was in his "control." So was his rage. I only came to realize all the junk being tossed at me had to do with HIM.
I feel for you so much and I know what you're going through. Believe me, all of us do. You were abused. He is incapable of comprehending how he abused you. At this point in time, he is incapable of having a healthy realtionship, so why expect him to acknowledge that his emotional abuse is bad? He is simply focusing on guys who beat up on women to make his own abuse seem acceptable.
Yeah, like guys who curse their wives and destroy their very character are a whole lot better than men who beat their wives ... please.
Hang on. You are a person of value. You are loved. You are worthwhile. Regardless of what garbage he is telling you.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It sounds like he is trying to minimize his actions. However, he has no clue and probably no memory of how he's hurt you. By comparsion there iwll always be someone in worse shape than us. Does that mean that we set the bar to the lowest, we shouldn't complain? So long as we can always find somene else in worse shape, we are being whiners? Isn't that what really happens? We don't strive for the best emotional life, we settle for the least being grateful for crumbs. Everything we've got gets us crumbs. So I guess you should thank God that you have it so good. You husband doesn't hit you? Was there a moment that his words seemed valid? Was he able to make you feel bad. I guess the moral of his comment is that women who love their husbands most are over in Intensive Care. This is why so many alcoholics don't get help. He really thinks that you are taking for granted how good you've got it. Quack quack. Let him take his assets and move along. He will walk away thinking you just lost the best thing that's ever happened to you. Truth is, if you had acted like him, he'd have left a long time ago. He is the victim, misunderstood and misused, taken for granted. It's not too late to take him back, he sounds like a real catch. Don't forget to pack a laxative in his box of assets, he is obviously constipated. The poop is backed right up to his eyeballs.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
if they are pointing fingers and judging others, it takes the focus off of them.
they probably, in their sick little minds, feel somehow, they were a more classy abuser than the ones that landed their mates in the hosp.
i've heard often that the mental and verbal abuse is just as bad as, if not greater than the physical abuse. i think it's all bad. i know what it has done to me.....and all the others here on this forum can vouch for what it has done to them.
the verbally and mentally abusive alcholic does not want to admit to themselves that what they did was just as disgusting and publicly scorned as the physical abuser. cause then, well, wadda ya know......they are disgusting too!!!!
i heard the same justifications outta xah mouth as you are hearing now texas.
during his sober times,he would just rip and roar about men that didn't financially support their children, beat their wives, disrespected their wives, couldn't hold down a job, lived off other people.......but those things were exactly what he was in real life!!!!!!!!!!
just as alcohol is poison to them, they are poison to us. imo. but i'm havin a crappy time right now.....so i'm venting, i reckon. we can do so well with no contact, then they creep right back in for a moments contact, and we spiral down into their stupidness again. it's like a case of bad athletes feet.....just bout the time you think ya have it healed up.....dang....there's a little spot of it back.
i''m sorry. just crap. just crap here. crap, crap, crap.
mallow.....love you post!!!!!
luv to ya all
jeri
they probably, in their sick little minds, feel somehow, they were a more classy abuser than the ones that landed their mates in the hosp.
i've heard often that the mental and verbal abuse is just as bad as, if not greater than the physical abuse. i think it's all bad. i know what it has done to me.....and all the others here on this forum can vouch for what it has done to them.
the verbally and mentally abusive alcholic does not want to admit to themselves that what they did was just as disgusting and publicly scorned as the physical abuser. cause then, well, wadda ya know......they are disgusting too!!!!
i heard the same justifications outta xah mouth as you are hearing now texas.
during his sober times,he would just rip and roar about men that didn't financially support their children, beat their wives, disrespected their wives, couldn't hold down a job, lived off other people.......but those things were exactly what he was in real life!!!!!!!!!!
just as alcohol is poison to them, they are poison to us. imo. but i'm havin a crappy time right now.....so i'm venting, i reckon. we can do so well with no contact, then they creep right back in for a moments contact, and we spiral down into their stupidness again. it's like a case of bad athletes feet.....just bout the time you think ya have it healed up.....dang....there's a little spot of it back.
i''m sorry. just crap. just crap here. crap, crap, crap.
mallow.....love you post!!!!!
luv to ya all
jeri
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
((((TG)))
It's a good topic to discuss with your doc. This happens to me occasionally and my therapist and I have discussed the underlying emotional triggers - it may have nothing to do with "him" at all. Which I kind of get from your post, anyway. The first couple times this happened to me I was really confused. I'm learning to figure out what it means when it happens. Sigh . . . . more work!
Take care.
It's a good topic to discuss with your doc. This happens to me occasionally and my therapist and I have discussed the underlying emotional triggers - it may have nothing to do with "him" at all. Which I kind of get from your post, anyway. The first couple times this happened to me I was really confused. I'm learning to figure out what it means when it happens. Sigh . . . . more work!
Take care.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
They really don't see it,or if they do, it is minimized. Maybe they "don't mean to be mean,etc" so they think it isn't so bad for us....who knows? They are sick..and their mind is what is effected. I sometimes forget that and start to wonder these kinds of thoughts,too.
This past weekend I went with exAH to our son's house (24y and living 100 miles away in his first apartment). This son didn't want to go to his dad's side of the family but invited them to come to his place for the Saturday after Thanksgiving. (A few of the members live in this same town and the rest of us are scattered around the state). FIL wanted to see everyone,so he came and then so did the rest of the people. What transpired was interesting. BIL's wife proceeded to drink wine and be drunk the whole time. The next day exAH told our daughter that she "freaked him out"....haha. She and our son and I all were dumb-founded that he could not/did not see that she was acting the same way he does not think he does. (Luckily for us,he got so he usually does not drink around family...especially when we are present or around my family,so I suppose that makes it "different" in his mind.) The same people who thought we "were making a big deal out of someone having fun" are the very ones who were shocked,worried,upset,etc. It is a bit odd,but denial is like that,I guess.
TG; your husband probably really is oblivious,too. At open AA meetings I have heard the same thing;over and over. Trying not to make sense of nonsense is best,if you can do it.
This past weekend I went with exAH to our son's house (24y and living 100 miles away in his first apartment). This son didn't want to go to his dad's side of the family but invited them to come to his place for the Saturday after Thanksgiving. (A few of the members live in this same town and the rest of us are scattered around the state). FIL wanted to see everyone,so he came and then so did the rest of the people. What transpired was interesting. BIL's wife proceeded to drink wine and be drunk the whole time. The next day exAH told our daughter that she "freaked him out"....haha. She and our son and I all were dumb-founded that he could not/did not see that she was acting the same way he does not think he does. (Luckily for us,he got so he usually does not drink around family...especially when we are present or around my family,so I suppose that makes it "different" in his mind.) The same people who thought we "were making a big deal out of someone having fun" are the very ones who were shocked,worried,upset,etc. It is a bit odd,but denial is like that,I guess.
TG; your husband probably really is oblivious,too. At open AA meetings I have heard the same thing;over and over. Trying not to make sense of nonsense is best,if you can do it.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
(((TG))))....
the previous posts have all been so spot on I'm not sure there's much I can add.
Maybe just this... What other people think of me (or my choices!) is none of my business. ?? I mean really, trying to get him to understand/appreciate why you did what you did (or the pain you suffered) is futile and will only lead to your frustration.
Carry on my dear friend... blessings are waiting just around the corner!
Shannon
the previous posts have all been so spot on I'm not sure there's much I can add.
Maybe just this... What other people think of me (or my choices!) is none of my business. ?? I mean really, trying to get him to understand/appreciate why you did what you did (or the pain you suffered) is futile and will only lead to your frustration.
Carry on my dear friend... blessings are waiting just around the corner!
Shannon
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by TexasGirl 
It kind of hurt me, and I wasn't sure if I should be taking it that way or not. OK, so maybe I wasn't "getting beat up," but I think I took a pretty good emotional beating almost daily for toooooooo long. Can he just not see??? Does he really just not see that he hurt me almost as bad? He's apologized for the things he did "wrong." But somehow that statement seemed to discount that whole apology. Am I reading too much into it? I guess this is why no contact is highly endorsed...here I am going back and forth on something he said. I'd been doing well with no contact, but then I thought I could handle the talk about separation of assets he has been wanting to have. We accomplished that, but then just got to talking like old friends. Till that comment.
What's up with that?
What's up with that?
What's up with that as previous posts indicated. He is not seeing it. You got it. Maybe the talk about separation of assets needs to be done through mediator or attorney. It is maddening that he can talk of others that way yet, not see it. I am so sorry. I totally hear you. Hugs. Thanks to all the other great posters.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
He don't "get it" but men in general don't "think" about things in as much detail or put as much meaning into it. And, we know our A's don't usually, so don't put much into it. IF indeed he was meaning to minimize your deal, don't put much into that either......he would be trying to manipulate you, and know you well enuf that you would pick up on it. Don't want to go there either.
Again, the contact is tough, but understandable why you wanted to talk about some of the stuff, and easy to continue in a friendly conversation. But, can lead to misinterprtations or dislodging our serenity.
Again, the contact is tough, but understandable why you wanted to talk about some of the stuff, and easy to continue in a friendly conversation. But, can lead to misinterprtations or dislodging our serenity.
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