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My First Post Hi- This is my first post. I just saw this board today. My husband of 28 years is an alcoholic, and I'm getting fed up with his behavior. I don't know what to do, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Please give me your input, as you might have more experience with this than I do. He was injured several years ago and pain medications and physical therapy didn't work as well as alcohol to numb his pain. It is in his shoulders so sleeping is his worst pain, so he drinks every night so he can sleep. (He also takes other prescription medications to help with the pain.) He drinks typically 12 beers each evening. Sometimes he drinks some tequila or more beers and that's when he gets really drunk. He had black outs and doesn't remember the stupid things he does. I tell him though. He is depressed and feels very bad right now. He hates himself and I know alcohol is a big part of that. He went to a therapist who referred him to a psychiatrist, who put him on antidepressants and told him to stop drinking. I was hoping hearing that from someone other than ME would encourage him to get help and stop. Instead he swears that he hates drinking, he doesn't even like the taste, but he has to so he can sleep. He's claimed that all along from when he first began drinking. So, is he telling the truth? Who can help him to stop? How can he stop if his shoulders make it too painful to sleep? Or is he exaggerating his shoulder pain? I can't feel his physical pain, but I do believe that he is in pain when he tries to lay down. Our children are grown. My husband is not abusive nor does he drive drunk, he just goes to sleep at home. But he does stupid things when he's drunk like last night I heard him in the bathroom taking pills - and there are no pills of his in there - so what was he taking? I'm sure he had no clue! If he stopped drinking I am sure his depression would be better. I don't know how to help him, or how to help myself. I can leave him, I want to almost every day. But I haven't threatened that to him. Any advice from you?? Thank you! |
Hi and welcome to SR. You have come to the right place. Your husband has been drinking a long time now...have you ever been to an Alanon meeting before? If not, I would say it's time to try now. There is alot of information for you listed in the stickys at the top of this forum page. A good book to read is called Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie. In Alanon I learned that I cannot control what the other person does, but I can learn about the disease and find help for myself in Alanon and here on SR too. The alcoholic must have the desire to quit for himself- I can't persuade or help him/her to do that. You don't have to face this all by yourself, as there are many others here who are in the same situation. I hope you will keep coming here to this forum, I'm glad you found us. There is hope! here is a link to help you find a meeting near you: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meetings/a/blananon.htm |
Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us... and as cmc said, your not alone in the battle. I have heard in Al-anon meetings that you can find happiness and senerity ... If the Alcoholic is drinking or not. Please read all you can about this disease and seek out a support group for yourself. You dont have to make a decision today hon... all you have to do today is read, learn and post. I look forward to getting to know you. |
Would he believe this? http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa41.htm If he's like AH, it won't convince him. He has found a convenient reason to drink. It will become another reason if articles like this are given to him. Al-Anon saved my sanity, I hope you'll try it. Good luck and keep posting! |
Wow...our stories sound similar. My AH (of 27yr) was just like you describe yours until the last year or two......he moved out and kicked it up a notch. Wanted to "have fun"....that I was holding him back,I guess. Some say it is a midlife crisis....I just call it a nightmare. He just divorced me a few months ago. Our baby just started college this fall and the older one moved 100 miles away. Glad you found this place,it has been a huge help for me. Stick around and I think it will help you sort some things out for yourself. |
Denny57, that article is so true and I think I've even read it before! But I can tell you right now that 1. my husband would not even read it, and 2. if he did he wouldn't believe it! He is very deep-seated in his defensiveness about his drinking and his excuses to drink. When he sleeps I can see he is not breathing right - sometimes he goes for several seconds without being able to take a breath. I told him about it, he ignores me! |
His medical doctor referred him to a psychiatrist for a reason. Can you call and speak to his medical doctor, maybe you could even have an appt to discuss this. Alochol will raise havic with just about all medications. In any case, alcohol is no way to manage pain. Alcoholics will network from doc to doc to get "pills". He was in the bathroom taking pills. He got them from somewhere and that could be on the street corner or another doc. Maybe the alcohol is used to bring him down to sleep. Do we really believe that alcohol kills pain that motrin, Lortab, tylenol with codeine, or some of the other big gun analgesics won't. Something doesn't add up and I think you have a gut feeling. How about surgery, guided imagery, analgesic patchs? If he drinks to kill physical pain, he has an exuse. I think you would learn most from his medical doctor. |
granny, welcome to the board of compassion... as a recovering alky/adict myself... and was in a relationship with someone that was active... shes passed on... all i can say is... just get the you back in you!... good wishes granny... xxoo, rz |
granny I can leave him, I want to almost every day.But I haven't threatened that to him. |
(((Welcome))) I am relatively new here, but I will tell you to continue coming back , reading, and posting. This site has been such a blessing to me. There are people here that will be honest and supportive, and that understand where you are coming from. |
Thanks for the nice replies to my post. One thing though to clarify, his doctor did not send him to a psychiatrist. He went to a therapist because he feels depressed. She sent him to a psychiatrist (next door to her) because she felt like he needed antidepressants for his depression. His medical doctor just keeps giving him pain pills, anti inflammatories, muscle relaxers, and sends him to physical therapy, none of which work for his pain (so he says.) |
My First Post This is my very first post I have been on this site all night and finally found it. thank god iam new to this i have been sober 3yrs 10-17-04, and everything was great until 1-31-07 I lost my husband of 22yrs in a fatal car accident due to an anurism he had in his heart that we had no idea he had no symptoms at all. we have two beautiful kids together who miss their dad sooooo much, I try to be so strong for them, these are our first holidays without him they have been so hard for all of us, I just really could use some friends to talk to, maybe people in similar situations, anything advise, hope, wisdom etc.. something to dull the pain, everyone says time heals they failed to tell me how slow the time goes when youve lost your heart and sole. pls help if you can!!!!! |
I'm glad you found us and I'm very sorry that you lost your husband in such a terrible tragedy. You mentioned your sobriety. In the wake of this situation, have you been able to maintain sobriety? The holidays are difficult for those of us who have suffered losses far less than your's. Do you have any family members and/or friends who can be with you and your children during the holiday season? Being with loved ones can help cushion the pain a bit. I don't know if you have any particular belief system. I happen to have one, personally, and the power of prayer has gotten me over some very tough hurdles. We have people on this site who have lost their loved ones to the disease of alcoholism. I'm sure they'll be along soon to share their experience, strength, and hope with you. missyou, we're here to support you in any way we can. I'm sorry I cannot offer more than to lift you and your children up in prayer. Please keep posting, and I hope we can be of some help to you during this difficult time. |
welcome to SR. I am sorry for your pain.. it is hard to deal with the loss of a loved one and everyone heals at a different pace. My mother died in 74 - my dad in 2000 and not a day goes by that I do not miss them but the difference for me now is that I can smile when I think of all the funs times we had, the laughs and even the bad times, instead of sobbing at the pain of missing them. shakarris |
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you must be experiencing right now. Please feel free to also post in our alcoholism section as I am sure you will find support and possibly others with similiar experiences there. Here is a link to those areas. Women in recovery: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/women-recovery/ Alcoholism: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/ Also here is a link to our grief and loss forum; http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/ |
Welcome to our recovery community, and please accept my condolences on your loss. Please continue to reach out here - I'm very glad that you found us :hug: |
i am so deeply sorry you lost your beloved husband, and your children and you must feel so lost without him. the holidays are so hard because they bring all the memories back and emphasize the devastating losses. so many have aching hearts through this time, and the long dark days of winter don't help. one small step at a time....if you can just sleep enough hours, eat enough small meals, and try to bless yourself in ways that soothe you....walks in the park or sitting beside a lake...nature helps us heal. animals do, too. when we cannot be social, a pet helps us in comforting ways. you can always visit here and talk about your loss. if you feel vulnerable to relapse, you know what to do. but feeling your pain right now is honoring your husband's memory. just hang on...there is no great love without great pain. i am glad you had 22 years. how wonderful for you. and for him. much love. many pastors offer grief counseling and support. |
Miss you so, I am soooo sorry for the loss of your hubby. I lost my husband on Feb. 19, 2001 to brain cancer. It was very difficult for me and a few months after his diagnosis I relapsed. You don't want to do that. I had a really hard time. I don't know what is worse, the instant loss or the over a 2 year period dying. I think both are very difficult. I am thankful I had 3 months clean when he passed away. I pray you can find some healing on this site and some comfort. I am glad you are clean and sober. feel free to message me if you want to talk further. blessings, Sheila |
missyou, I lost my gf of 10 yrs to a heart anurism, 9 yrs ago on 1/4/99. she had just adopted her granddaughter that same day, I believe the stress of her daughter being locked up for drugs brought it on. time does heel, and your right it seems to drag by. she had just had a phisacal and was in good shape they said, but the ticker couldn't handle the stress. try to stay busy and do other things, that wouldn't remind you of the loss. god bless, and good luck |
(((Missyouso))) I'm so sorry for your loss.... My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children during this difficult time. :ghug nandm gave you some good links with excellent support available. I do hope you will avail yourself to them... Shalom! |
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