lies and other symptoms
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
The idea of not taking it personally makes it harder sometimes. It would be easier to pick up the pieces of my dignity and wak away with my head up if I was leaving someone who intended to hurt me. I know you have to walk away either way for your own salvation, but when making excuses and denial come as naturally as it does for me, viewing the bad behavior this way makes it harder for me to draw a hard line in the sand and say, "ENOUGH!!!!"
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
My AF has a terrible habit of taking things I say innocently and putting this whole horrible meaning behind my words and then feeling hurt by the stuff I didn't say. When that happens, he gets even drunker and proceeds to say things to purposefully hurt me, so I'd "know how it feels" to be hurt and heartbroken, etc. As if I don't already know that. Having learned a lot about addict behavior, I know that it's the alcohol talking, but does that really mean that he wouldn't try to hurt me on purpose if he's sober? Doesn't it mean he simply handles his hurt feelings immaturely and inappropriately, whether drunk or sober?
FWIW I've told him that it's completely unacceptable to do that to me. Now it's up to me to enforce the boundary.
FWIW I've told him that it's completely unacceptable to do that to me. Now it's up to me to enforce the boundary.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: East
Posts: 43
<<but does that really mean that he wouldn't try to hurt me on purpose if he's sober? Doesn't it mean he simply handles his hurt feelings immaturely and inappropriately, whether drunk or sober?>>>
Either way, it isn't right.
Either way, it's your heart and your soul that gets beat up.
Either way, it's your self-esteem that crumbles away.
Either way, it's YOU that gets hurt.
I'd say that's enough of an explanation right there. Regardless of the motive, cause, reason, motivation, explanation.
It just isn't right.
Either way, it isn't right.
Either way, it's your heart and your soul that gets beat up.
Either way, it's your self-esteem that crumbles away.
Either way, it's YOU that gets hurt.
I'd say that's enough of an explanation right there. Regardless of the motive, cause, reason, motivation, explanation.
It just isn't right.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by AllTooSober 
My AF has a terrible habit of taking things I say innocently and putting this whole horrible meaning behind my words and then feeling hurt by the stuff I didn't say. When that happens, he gets even drunker and proceeds to say things to purposefully hurt me, so I'd "know how it feels" to be hurt and heartbroken, etc. As if I don't already know that. Having learned a lot about addict behavior, I know that it's the alcohol talking, but does that really mean that he wouldn't try to hurt me on purpose if he's sober? Doesn't it mean he simply handles his hurt feelings immaturely and inappropriately, whether drunk or sober?
FWIW I've told him that it's completely unacceptable to do that to me. Now it's up to me to enforce the boundary.
FWIW I've told him that it's completely unacceptable to do that to me. Now it's up to me to enforce the boundary.
commenting on my personal experience with my wife developing alcoholism; the alcohol has warped her thinking and the pre-etoh wife would never try to intentionally say/do mean hurtful things. in our case, it is the ALCOHOL talking and not the person. nowadays when i cry, it is from seeing what alcohol has done and about missing that person. i had all the doubts and questions you pose, and more.
i had to separate physically from her cause life together was too difficult and was pulling me into the insanity.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: mpl,mn
Posts: 43
Sometimes it's the alcohol, but in many cases the abuse stems from other problems that the alcohol masks, Alcohol just makes it easier to say and do things that are inappropriate, and would not happen when sober, because it's a perfect disease to hide behind, how many times do you hear oh I was drunk, you know me I'd never hurt you, hit you, etc.etc. The list goes on........
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
That's interesting. I tend to think that drinking does merely let out behaviors that you already harbor in your head/heart, rather than causing a person to do something completely out of character, but all I have to base that on is how I've acted on the few occasions when I've had too much to drink. I'd love to know what others think about this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by steve11694
commenting on my personal experience with my wife developing alcoholism; the alcohol has warped her thinking and the pre-etoh wife would never try to intentionally say/do mean hurtful things. in our case, it is the ALCOHOL talking and not the person. nowadays when i cry, it is from seeing what alcohol has done and about missing that person. i had all the doubts and questions you pose, and more.
i had to separate physically from her cause life together was too difficult and was pulling me into the insanity.
i had to separate physically from her cause life together was too difficult and was pulling me into the insanity.
I have found the same thing to be true,too.
I have just spent several days in the company of xAH.....these were really hard because he was on such good behavior that I saw again glimpses of the man I married and fell in love with 30 yrs ago. That hurt as much or more than the awful behavior. It made me remember all we have lost.
(I also saw for the first time how badly alcohol has colored his own family! That was eye-opening. In a way it is no wonder he doesn't think he has a problem...)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by AllTooSober
That's interesting. I tend to think that drinking does merely let out behaviors that you already harbor in your head/heart, rather than causing a person to do something completely out of character, but all I have to base that on is how I've acted on the few occasions when I've had too much to drink. I'd love to know what others think about this.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I think the lies and deceit tie into their system of denial. I don't know if they even realize they're doing it at times. I've been wondering lately what it is that makes their behavior deteriorate when drunk or sober the longer they drink. I've read some stuff on the 'net that mentioned the frontal lobe of the brain becomes damaged, which causes loss of cognitive ability (like being able to read a road map) but the worsening behavior must have something to do with damage to some other area of the brain.
My AH certainly didn't behave this way five years ago, not by a long shot. He pursued several hobbies, got more done around the house, and definitely treated me decently - no cursing, shouting, slamming. Now I just get erratic behavior that is sometimes scarey, but most of the times just downright looney.
My AH certainly didn't behave this way five years ago, not by a long shot. He pursued several hobbies, got more done around the house, and definitely treated me decently - no cursing, shouting, slamming. Now I just get erratic behavior that is sometimes scarey, but most of the times just downright looney.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: mpl,mn
Posts: 43
There are alot of happy drunks out there that never react with hatefilled, hurtful mind bending words, so it must be that a lot of that stuff was being thought over before they said it, and if it wasn't how come they have a way of repeating the same stuff over and over, I believe they might not know when they said it but that they have a deep well, of well nursed resentments and animosities just laying below the surface, and good old alcohol just releases the flood gates, then when the stuff wears off how convenient to blame the bottle.
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