Boundaries for an A child different than for an A adult
Mom of Teen Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 23
Boundaries for an A child different than for an A adult
I'm continually finding myself in this position with my son. I can't enforce the same boundaries with him that I would with an adult, so I kind of feel like I'm in uncharted territory there.
Son has a real problem with honesty and taking responsibility, both things that are major issues stressed in his treatment program AND his AA meetings. It seems that not a day goes by that I don't run into at least one lie he has told me, or come across a lie of omission that he should have told me, especially wrt to school issues, etc.
He claims that he wants to stay in his treatment program, but seems unwilling to be honest enough with everyone to make it work for him. He is still devious enough to use spontaneous opportunities to achieve his lying ends, and it's that sneakiness that has permitted him to get to the point where he needed treatment in the first place.
My husb wants me to quit my full-time, had-it-for-17-years-and-will-get-a-pension job to stay home and babysit my son, who will most likely be out of our home in 2 to 5 years. I have refused to even consider quitting, but husb thinks that I need to be holding my son's hand every minute of every day. I told him that if son realizes that I am home, now, he'll just come up with more devious ways of working THAT situation, for instance, he'll just stop coming home. Husb said that I should then go pick him up from school every day. Okay, I said, so then he'll just leave by the back door while I'm waiting at the front.
All I would teach this kid by holding his hand 24/7 is that I will be there to slap his hand every time he comes across a temptation, and I think that's wrong. Son NEEDS the experience of learning how to avoid/deal with temptation ON HIS OWN, and if I'm holding his hand every single time he gets tempted, what is that teaching him? That he doesn't have to be responsible for himself, that I am responsible for keeping him away from alcohol, and that is NOT what (or how) he needs to learn.
Are there any websites/info out there that deals specifically with alcoholic minor children? Any help is appreciated....
Son has a real problem with honesty and taking responsibility, both things that are major issues stressed in his treatment program AND his AA meetings. It seems that not a day goes by that I don't run into at least one lie he has told me, or come across a lie of omission that he should have told me, especially wrt to school issues, etc.
He claims that he wants to stay in his treatment program, but seems unwilling to be honest enough with everyone to make it work for him. He is still devious enough to use spontaneous opportunities to achieve his lying ends, and it's that sneakiness that has permitted him to get to the point where he needed treatment in the first place.
My husb wants me to quit my full-time, had-it-for-17-years-and-will-get-a-pension job to stay home and babysit my son, who will most likely be out of our home in 2 to 5 years. I have refused to even consider quitting, but husb thinks that I need to be holding my son's hand every minute of every day. I told him that if son realizes that I am home, now, he'll just come up with more devious ways of working THAT situation, for instance, he'll just stop coming home. Husb said that I should then go pick him up from school every day. Okay, I said, so then he'll just leave by the back door while I'm waiting at the front.
All I would teach this kid by holding his hand 24/7 is that I will be there to slap his hand every time he comes across a temptation, and I think that's wrong. Son NEEDS the experience of learning how to avoid/deal with temptation ON HIS OWN, and if I'm holding his hand every single time he gets tempted, what is that teaching him? That he doesn't have to be responsible for himself, that I am responsible for keeping him away from alcohol, and that is NOT what (or how) he needs to learn.
Are there any websites/info out there that deals specifically with alcoholic minor children? Any help is appreciated....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
if i may respond in a humble way as dealing with my aw has been a most humbling experience.
do not rely on dealing with an addict as you would a rational person. the addage of "you can't control it" is most true. trying to "police" your son most likely will get you nowhere except bald and blue in the face. unfortunately they learn from negative consequences(pain) and/or relating to stories of other addicts sharing at support groups.
i would listen to what the addiction counselor/doctor says. legally your child is a minor and subject to your control, addiction wise that child may not respond to normal parental guidance etc etc.
before i understood addiction, i stopped working so i could be with my aw 24/7 with the intent of accomplishing what you want to do. for me, that was a BIG mistake. kindness, caring, funding, pleading, begging, are things that had no positive effect. to the contrary, she verbally sent to hell and threatened me physically.
wish u good luck
do not rely on dealing with an addict as you would a rational person. the addage of "you can't control it" is most true. trying to "police" your son most likely will get you nowhere except bald and blue in the face. unfortunately they learn from negative consequences(pain) and/or relating to stories of other addicts sharing at support groups.
i would listen to what the addiction counselor/doctor says. legally your child is a minor and subject to your control, addiction wise that child may not respond to normal parental guidance etc etc.
before i understood addiction, i stopped working so i could be with my aw 24/7 with the intent of accomplishing what you want to do. for me, that was a BIG mistake. kindness, caring, funding, pleading, begging, are things that had no positive effect. to the contrary, she verbally sent to hell and threatened me physically.
wish u good luck
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Why do you have to quit your job? Is your husband willing to quit his to "babysit" your son?
I don't know where you're located - but do you have Al-Anon meetings nearby? Several in my area are focused on parents, though all are welcome. If not, maybe your local hospital can give you some leads.
Good luck and keep posting. MHO is don't give up your job.
I don't know where you're located - but do you have Al-Anon meetings nearby? Several in my area are focused on parents, though all are welcome. If not, maybe your local hospital can give you some leads.
Good luck and keep posting. MHO is don't give up your job.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i work at home. my daughter is possibly returning home in a few weeks after 60 plus days in rehab. i'm looking for a job OUTSIDE the house. i know i can't stay here with her during the day - i will want to police. and that will not work for either of us..my 2 cents
Mom of Teen Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 23
Thanks for confirming my gut feeling
I'm now at the age where I realize just how much I DON'T know and actually listen to others' advice, and follow it (unlike my son, who is still a teen and knows it all.)
Every single person that I've spoken with wrt to the quitting my job issue has suggested that I not quit. My job is the one constant thing that I've been able to rely upon all these years.
(FYI: My husb is not my son's biodad, and he earns three times as much as I do, so his quitting his job to stay home with him is completely out of the question.)
Thanks, Steve, for reminding me that I am dealing with an addict, and not a rational person. If this treatment program doesn't help him, the only other options in my area are residential treatment (VERY expensive) or juvenile detention (where he is likely headed if I can just get a d*mn court date.)
Son had a M.I.P. back in March, and we are STILL waiting for it to go to court. And he was also arrested for retail fraud last week. (I begged the police to take him to juvenile detention at that time, but they would not.) He has one former charge, a breaking and entering which has gone to court a year ago and been resolved, but I'm sure the judge will NOT be glad to see him back. Unless son is in a much greater state of recovery, I will beg the judge to place him in juvenile custody, even if only for a week or so, just so he can see what it is like, because he has NO CLUE.
Like many teens today, I think my son has an inappropriate sense of entitlement..and for some reason thinks that his life with me and stepdad is just awful, but he has had opportunities and advantages at his age that neither husb nor I had EVER. And to see him talk/act like everything we've managed to provide for him isn't nearly enough is almost unbearable.
Parentrecovers, I think that is what my husb wants me to do...constantly police son so that he doesn't get in any more trouble, but I know that is not the answer. Husb is already tired of the emotional and financial drain this child's behavior has put upon our family, and he's trying to put his finger in the hole in the dike, so to speak.
I'm hoping to get the child to age 18 doing the best that we can for him....if he decides to keep using after that, then he may well find himself out on his own.
Every single person that I've spoken with wrt to the quitting my job issue has suggested that I not quit. My job is the one constant thing that I've been able to rely upon all these years.
(FYI: My husb is not my son's biodad, and he earns three times as much as I do, so his quitting his job to stay home with him is completely out of the question.)
Thanks, Steve, for reminding me that I am dealing with an addict, and not a rational person. If this treatment program doesn't help him, the only other options in my area are residential treatment (VERY expensive) or juvenile detention (where he is likely headed if I can just get a d*mn court date.)
Son had a M.I.P. back in March, and we are STILL waiting for it to go to court. And he was also arrested for retail fraud last week. (I begged the police to take him to juvenile detention at that time, but they would not.) He has one former charge, a breaking and entering which has gone to court a year ago and been resolved, but I'm sure the judge will NOT be glad to see him back. Unless son is in a much greater state of recovery, I will beg the judge to place him in juvenile custody, even if only for a week or so, just so he can see what it is like, because he has NO CLUE.
Like many teens today, I think my son has an inappropriate sense of entitlement..and for some reason thinks that his life with me and stepdad is just awful, but he has had opportunities and advantages at his age that neither husb nor I had EVER. And to see him talk/act like everything we've managed to provide for him isn't nearly enough is almost unbearable.
Parentrecovers, I think that is what my husb wants me to do...constantly police son so that he doesn't get in any more trouble, but I know that is not the answer. Husb is already tired of the emotional and financial drain this child's behavior has put upon our family, and he's trying to put his finger in the hole in the dike, so to speak.
I'm hoping to get the child to age 18 doing the best that we can for him....if he decides to keep using after that, then he may well find himself out on his own.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
((((Sadgypsy)))
Hang on to your job. Its important to you in so many ways.....financially, your own independence, an escape from the hell of dealing/living with an alcoholic.
It so hard to see someone you love destroy their life.......but it is sadly true you cant help them beat their addiction. You and your husband must protect yourselves and pray he hits bottom and changes his life.
Let the legal system deal with his bad behavior.......he must learn the consequences of his actions.
Hang on to your job. Its important to you in so many ways.....financially, your own independence, an escape from the hell of dealing/living with an alcoholic.
It so hard to see someone you love destroy their life.......but it is sadly true you cant help them beat their addiction. You and your husband must protect yourselves and pray he hits bottom and changes his life.
Let the legal system deal with his bad behavior.......he must learn the consequences of his actions.
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