letting go

I am 29 years old and have been in love with the same guy for over 2 years, even though we had broken up in 2004 because of his hostility while drinking, we meet in a bar and i just didn't realize how different our drinking habits were. I was the like to go out and have some drinks see friends and then when it was time to go home, i went home. He was the go out and drink until every place was closed and you had to go home. I got drunk and had fun and was happy, he got drunk and was just that miserable person at the end of the bar who wanted to pick out all of my insecurities until i would cry. I know back then i should of said okay if this is going to work we aren't going out to the bars anymore. Instead after a few months of living together we split. We had started seeing each other again in june of this year. Well what had changed was that i had stopped going out and was only having the occasional drinks. He had become more of a drinker, after going out a few times and of coarse his hostility kicked in even stronger than before, i then said "if we are going to be together and make this work WE are not going to drink". He agreed. He went 6 days without a drink and i thought this is it he has finally beaten the beast. THe next morning we got up and he flipped out he said he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore with me or anyone that he wasn't going to be tied down and he left me. 3 days later he said he had made the biggest mistake of his life and i took him back. This pattern happenend about 8 or 9 times from june to oct. and i just thought as long as he knows that i am here for him he will get control. If i cook him nice meals, if i plan non alcoholic activities, and hold him close he won't go on these binders. at the end of oct, we found out i was pregnant. 2 days later he left for work and never came back, he wouldn't return my calls. by nov.1, i went to find him on his buddies couch at 9:30 in the morning, oh yea did i mention he is 35, he came back home with me and went to the doctors appt that he missed, all was fine. NO he went 26 days without a drink and then yesterday he pulled the same routine, doesn't want to be a father or a family man, doesn't know if he loves me anymore, blah, blah,blah. Also need to mention that in his drinking binges he has been snorting lines here and there. I have never felt more alone. I put the alcoholic first and don't know what to do with me now. can someone please help?

AllTooSober

I am so sorry you're in this situation! Please please please give Al-anon a try. They help you take focus off the alcoholic and back onto yourself, and now that you're expecting that's more important than ever.

Sober Recovery is also an excellent resource for support and understanding, but nothing can substitute face-to-face meetings.

dollydo

Unfortunatly, there is only one person that can help you, that's you.

Until you admit, he is not ready to become clean and become a responsible man, you will continue to ride on the rollercoaster to h*ll with him.

You now have a new member coming to this equasion, an innocent child. A child who is born with a clean slate, one that you are responsible to take care of.

To me, a child should never have to be exposed to the insanity of living with an addict. This enviorment will have very a profound effect on their entire being, their entire life.

He is not only an alcoholic, he is also using drugs...what more do you need to know.

Work on you, go to meetings, break free of this cycle for you and your child.

I am sorry it I sound harsh, this is not my intention...this is reality. One that you must face.

I wish you the best,

Dolly

mallowcup

I think it's time to sit down and really really think about what is best for you and the baby. He is not going to be a dad or a reliable mate. You have several options. I think if you are going to keep this baby, you need to sever all ties with this man. You need to build a life that is best for this baby and yourself, Any further attempts to change this man will be at the babies expense. You'll have to ask yourself some tough questions. Can you raise this baby on your own? He said he does not want to be a father. Would you consider making the life choice to allow a couple to adopt your baby? Do you have family to help? The focus of your life has just been redetermined. So long as whatever decisions you make are what's best for you and the baby are the right decisions, any decisions that put him first are the wrong decisions. This can be the happiest time of your life. This baby deserves to come into this world to his mothers sweet smile.

cmc

Hi letting go,
I'm glad you came here to share with us. As the others have said, going to meetings will be of great help to you now. Alanon or Naranon meetings place the focus on us not the addict/alcoholic person in our life. Coming here to SR is a lifeline for me and and I hope it will be for you as well.
It is not your fault that he has chosen to live this way and we learn in Alanon that nothing we do can 'help' them to stop. There are lots of sayings in and catch phrases we use in our recovery. One is called 'The 3 C's' and is about alcoholism and drug use.

You didn't Cause it.
You can't Cure it.
You can't Control it.

It will help you alot to read the stickys at the top of the forum page and I also recommend the book 'Codependent No More' by Melodie Beattie.

You are not alone, and you can learn to put yourself and your child first. Keep coming back there are lots of others here who care.

mallowcup

You are 29. You can be a wonderful mother. I just had a visual of you holding your baby for the first time. The very best thing is about to rock your world. Having a baby is awesome. You aren't 15 or 20. You are a woman. You are a mother.

CatsTail

I guess the best thing I can say is put you and your baby FIRST. Really listen to what he is saying about not wanting to be in relationship,not wanting to be a Dad because he means it.

Don't think you can change that,you can't.

Feelings are feelings but facts are facts. The facts, he is caught in the throes of addiction.
You can't do anything about that.
You have a child to take care of.

Ngaire

splendra

I hope you will do what is best for you and I hope you will be happy.

mazey

Oh, you've got a lot on your plate, honey! Everyone is correct when they tell you, he has to make the decision on how he wants to live his life, and it seems he has made his choice. Very unfortunate, but he isn't into parenting, nor being your partner with this child raising. Many,many women raise children alone these days till someone comes into their lives to make a family.
I'm sure you are scared, please find a good source to talk this out with. Come to this site, and try to begin with an Alanon group. Read, read, read about the alcoholic/addict. Try to be calm as you make some very important decisions in your & your baby's life. We'll all be here....but, seek someone close to share with.

embraced2000

what have you done?????

you have created a miracle....your child. what a wonderful, special gift. congratulations, mommie!!!!!

you need to be stress free during this time....please take care of yourself.

love to you
jeri

Janitw

He sweetie and welcome here. You are not alone there are many of us seasoned codies here to help and share with you. Congratulations honey!! A little miracle is on the way..and the child will help keep you mind off of him. Love him from afar and let it go...

mallowcup

What have I done? That makes me curious. Did you get pregnant on purpose?

reader

Welcome to Sr!! I know that u are going through a very tough time and I feel for u. You need to focus on u and your unborn baby. He has made it very clear that he does not want to be a father. I would not want to raise a child with someone when I know full well he does not want to be apart of it. He is not in a place mentally or physically to be a good father and a supportive partner. The best thing u can do for yourself is to take care of u. Your health is very important right now and being stressed out and worried about him is not good for u or your baby. He will only change when and if he chooses to. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Only he can and he doesn't want to. I know u feel alone right know and being alone and pregnant is scary but we are here to support u. It is better to raise a child alone than in the crazy life of a drinker and drug abuser. Take care of yourself and try to get to an alanon meeting, there are people there that will understand what u are going through. Be well, Kerry

letting go

no i did not get pregnant on purpose, when i wrote "what have i done?" I meant by giving him chance after chance and now 1 chance to many there is a baby and he is still the same.

sketscher

The situation you are in I am sure is scary. You may not want to give up on this man but I think it's best for the sake of your baby if nothing else.

The man/A I've been involved with has children. The very first time I met his 5 yr. old son he made a comment to me about his dad "falling down a lot". It's so sad. Then came all the weekends I spent waiting alone for him while he was at the bar. It used to always make me glad that I didn't have children with him as his ex-wife did. She must have felt so lonely. Might as well be a single mom anyway.

I know it's not an ideal situation which I why I never let it happen to me but if it were dealt to me I'd sure be happy about it. Like someone else said your not 15 or 20. 29 is a great time to have a baby! In fact I'm a little envious. I'd sure rather have a baby to think about then an adult man who acts like one.