Don't know why I am stressing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Hanging In There
Posts: 87
Don't know why I am stressing
My AH gets out of treatment in a few days and all of the sudden tonight I am having these terrible worries. The anger is starting to appear and negative thoughts are entering my mind and I don’t understand why now? Nothing major has happened to make me feel this way.
Although my counselor did say that I hadn’t dealt with my anger yet and the time would come when I would need to in order to keep moving forward.
He went to treatment voluntarily and has been very positive through the entire process. The last week has been great, we have done counseling through the treatment center and the response has been very good. He actually talks and responds to me. He listened to my boundary issues and accepted them willingly. Our communication hasn't been this good for five years.
I guess it’s because I know I can only do for myself and the rest is up to him. I feel strong but I am worried that he is not 100% on board.
Saturday and Tuesday are my regular alanon meeting days and the only ones convenient for me at this time. Since I had a counseling session with him today at the same time as my alanon meeting I wasn’t able to go today.
Is this normal behavior for someone in my position or am I just having a bad night because I missed my alanon meeting?
Although my counselor did say that I hadn’t dealt with my anger yet and the time would come when I would need to in order to keep moving forward.
He went to treatment voluntarily and has been very positive through the entire process. The last week has been great, we have done counseling through the treatment center and the response has been very good. He actually talks and responds to me. He listened to my boundary issues and accepted them willingly. Our communication hasn't been this good for five years.
I guess it’s because I know I can only do for myself and the rest is up to him. I feel strong but I am worried that he is not 100% on board.
Saturday and Tuesday are my regular alanon meeting days and the only ones convenient for me at this time. Since I had a counseling session with him today at the same time as my alanon meeting I wasn’t able to go today.
Is this normal behavior for someone in my position or am I just having a bad night because I missed my alanon meeting?
Just remember that you can control you, not him. Time will tell. Take each day as it comes !!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
oh deax.....you describe exactly how i felt when xah was in reab at one time.
i felt all warm and fuzzy knowing he was in a facility, getting treatment. tucked away, with someone else to shoulder the behaviors and be responsible for him. the closer it came time for him to come home, the more disenchanted and anxious i became.
i also had to miss my al-anon meetings, in order to attend meetings with his counselors and him......looking back , i can see that i resented making the sacrifice of my meeting for his.....just like in the drinking days, he was the center of the world and his needs came first, and i, just like in the drinking days, relented.
i resented that he was like a teenager in his actions towards the outside world while he was in treatment....totally oblivious to what was going on in the real world......for instance....the trips there were over 60 miles one way....i work 15 hours each day.....he thought absolutely nothing of asking me to bring him cigarettes........or his favorite shirt......and just drop it off at front desk, since it wasn't visiting day yet. multiply this incident x 100 and you will get an idea.
see what i mean?
i think it is very wise to super-super-super focus on yourself during this time. and when he comes home. you will have to have the tools for trying to live in sobriety.
i do so hope this rehab works for him and his hp has his back. well, our hp always has our back......so i'll re-word that......i hope he let's his hp have his back.
what you are feeling is ok.......you are being pulled inside.....your inner voice is telling you that he may not be 100%, and your heart is telling you that you really want him to be ok and get it and everything will be ok.
much love coming your way, deax
jeri
i felt all warm and fuzzy knowing he was in a facility, getting treatment. tucked away, with someone else to shoulder the behaviors and be responsible for him. the closer it came time for him to come home, the more disenchanted and anxious i became.
i also had to miss my al-anon meetings, in order to attend meetings with his counselors and him......looking back , i can see that i resented making the sacrifice of my meeting for his.....just like in the drinking days, he was the center of the world and his needs came first, and i, just like in the drinking days, relented.
i resented that he was like a teenager in his actions towards the outside world while he was in treatment....totally oblivious to what was going on in the real world......for instance....the trips there were over 60 miles one way....i work 15 hours each day.....he thought absolutely nothing of asking me to bring him cigarettes........or his favorite shirt......and just drop it off at front desk, since it wasn't visiting day yet. multiply this incident x 100 and you will get an idea.
see what i mean?
i think it is very wise to super-super-super focus on yourself during this time. and when he comes home. you will have to have the tools for trying to live in sobriety.
i do so hope this rehab works for him and his hp has his back. well, our hp always has our back......so i'll re-word that......i hope he let's his hp have his back.
what you are feeling is ok.......you are being pulled inside.....your inner voice is telling you that he may not be 100%, and your heart is telling you that you really want him to be ok and get it and everything will be ok.
much love coming your way, deax
jeri
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: East Coast
Posts: 45
What you are feeling is perfectly normal. When my wife was is rehab, I felt free and alive for the first time in years. Knowing that the alcoholic in my life was gone at least for a little while. My children and I were able to have some semblance of normalcy and we really connected as a family during this time.
When it came time for my wife to come home, I was very anxious. Not sure of what to expect, wasth serenity and normalcy over? Was she going to stay sober? Will our lives be like before?, better?, worse? My suppressed anger and resentment started to seethe over the pain of years of abuse and co-dependency.
She is sober but a changed person. She looks physically fantastic as beautiful as ever but mentally and emotionally she is a different person. It is hard to realize that the person I married is not the person I'm living with right now. She has a close circle of AA friends that are more important to her than me right now and it's hard to accept that her husband is so low on her priority list. I have been going to Al-anon and working on my recovery while she works on hers. Time will tell if we re-connect again.
I just want to let you know that recovery is difficult for both spouses. It sounds like you H is on the right road however and is embracing a healthy outlook. You need to work on your own recovery since it is not easy recognizing how sick this disease has made you. I now know this realization for my situation.
From my experience, try to be patient and understanding. Give each other space to work your recoveries. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Be thankful for the little positive moments together. Live it one day at a time.
When it came time for my wife to come home, I was very anxious. Not sure of what to expect, wasth serenity and normalcy over? Was she going to stay sober? Will our lives be like before?, better?, worse? My suppressed anger and resentment started to seethe over the pain of years of abuse and co-dependency.
She is sober but a changed person. She looks physically fantastic as beautiful as ever but mentally and emotionally she is a different person. It is hard to realize that the person I married is not the person I'm living with right now. She has a close circle of AA friends that are more important to her than me right now and it's hard to accept that her husband is so low on her priority list. I have been going to Al-anon and working on my recovery while she works on hers. Time will tell if we re-connect again.
I just want to let you know that recovery is difficult for both spouses. It sounds like you H is on the right road however and is embracing a healthy outlook. You need to work on your own recovery since it is not easy recognizing how sick this disease has made you. I now know this realization for my situation.
From my experience, try to be patient and understanding. Give each other space to work your recoveries. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Be thankful for the little positive moments together. Live it one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
I felt such peace when my husband was in the hospital, because I knew someone else was taking care of him. When I knew he was ready to be released, fear gripped me. How would it be when he came home? Would he stay with a program? But my biggest fear was how would I respond? Would I be cabable of keeping necessary boundaries? In a structured environment such as the hospital, I had the help of the hospital staff to keep boundaries in place. But at home? Could I do it? Not only would he relapse, but would I relapse into my same old behaviors?
You are not alone in your feelings. These feelings are normal and to be expected. And........these too shall pass.
peace and blessings......
You are not alone in your feelings. These feelings are normal and to be expected. And........these too shall pass.
peace and blessings......
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Dayxday wishing you less anxiety today. what you are feeling is so normal. We all want what we want and want it to be OK. Is that bad? No. If it doesn't go that way is that bad? No it is upsetting and often devastating that is the worst of the fear. Really. It is because we want it to be ok. I struggle with this issue daily even though I am not in your exact position. Fear is the grip on us. I am trying to learn to let go and let god too. Maybe focusing on that thought will help and knowing that however god wants it to happen it will happen. I find these words intellectually easy to understand but to internalize it is hard it is so very hard. Hence, fear and anxiety. Feel for you. Irsh
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Hanging In There
Posts: 87
Thank you to everyone for your replies. I got up early today determined to put myself back on track, but right away found myself sifting through the what-if’s again.
I managed to work myself right into a migraine. So I spent most of the day laying down trying to get rid of it.
Today was the last day that I could go for visiting at the treatment center. Because of the migraine and the bad weather (it’s a long drive to the treatment center and the roads are narrow and curvy) I decided to put myself first and explained to him that I wouldn’t be coming today. He was actually okay with that and didn’t even want me to make the drive with the snow and bad road predictions.
Although I know I made the right choice to not go I do feel somewhat guilty since this was the last day we could see each other and talk in person for at least a few weeks. Because of our situation, I was able to visit while he was in treatment but it is now up to the court when the restriction will be lifted for us to have 3rd party contact through counseling, AA meetings etc.
Jeri – you are right about the treatment center being all about him. I have spent the last three weeks putting him before me because he was actually admitting he has a problem and willing doing something about it. I am not really complaining because he does need support but I am just plain worn out and tired.
Now it is time for me to get back on track and take care of myself first. Hopefully by staying home today and putting myself first I am moving back towards that.
Thanks for all your kind words and encouragement – it means so much to me to know that others understand and care.
I managed to work myself right into a migraine. So I spent most of the day laying down trying to get rid of it.
Today was the last day that I could go for visiting at the treatment center. Because of the migraine and the bad weather (it’s a long drive to the treatment center and the roads are narrow and curvy) I decided to put myself first and explained to him that I wouldn’t be coming today. He was actually okay with that and didn’t even want me to make the drive with the snow and bad road predictions.
Although I know I made the right choice to not go I do feel somewhat guilty since this was the last day we could see each other and talk in person for at least a few weeks. Because of our situation, I was able to visit while he was in treatment but it is now up to the court when the restriction will be lifted for us to have 3rd party contact through counseling, AA meetings etc.
Jeri – you are right about the treatment center being all about him. I have spent the last three weeks putting him before me because he was actually admitting he has a problem and willing doing something about it. I am not really complaining because he does need support but I am just plain worn out and tired.
Now it is time for me to get back on track and take care of myself first. Hopefully by staying home today and putting myself first I am moving back towards that.
Thanks for all your kind words and encouragement – it means so much to me to know that others understand and care.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Not sure of what to expect
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Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I take it your husband has been in rehab for a while, so things have probably been quite peaceful in your house. It's natural to worry that he might slip into old behaviors that may interrupt your new-found peace. Only time will tell if he's serious about his recovery or not. I think since he's taken it upon himself to get help, that he at least deserves a chance.
I think it's an encouraging sign that he got help voluntarily. Hopefully, that means that he's ready to change. My boyfriend completed rehab about a year ago. He was able to maintain sobriety for 8 months. And while it was not the life-long sobriety that I had hoped for, I enjoyed the sober time we spent together immensely and I don't regret it one bit. It reminded me why I fell in love with him in the first place. Falling in love with him a second time was just as wonderful as the first.
I liken a period of sobriety to a person with cancer achieving a temporary remission in their disease. Any quality time we get to spend with our loved ones when they are in good health and good spirits is precious.
Enter into this new territory with hope and compassion. Take advantage of every sober minute you have together. Then if things change one day, make sure you recognize his efforts and don't shame him for failing. Set boundaries to protect yourself from harm and keep your life peaceful.
I pray that your husband finds a life-long path to sobriety.
I think it's an encouraging sign that he got help voluntarily. Hopefully, that means that he's ready to change. My boyfriend completed rehab about a year ago. He was able to maintain sobriety for 8 months. And while it was not the life-long sobriety that I had hoped for, I enjoyed the sober time we spent together immensely and I don't regret it one bit. It reminded me why I fell in love with him in the first place. Falling in love with him a second time was just as wonderful as the first.
I liken a period of sobriety to a person with cancer achieving a temporary remission in their disease. Any quality time we get to spend with our loved ones when they are in good health and good spirits is precious.
Enter into this new territory with hope and compassion. Take advantage of every sober minute you have together. Then if things change one day, make sure you recognize his efforts and don't shame him for failing. Set boundaries to protect yourself from harm and keep your life peaceful.
I pray that your husband finds a life-long path to sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Hanging In There
Posts: 87
Hi all,
I have read and re-read all the responses to my post. Sharing your experiences and wisdom with me is truly helpful and allows me to see hope in a situation that seems to lack any hope at all.
Knowing that many of you have walked in my shoes before me and have survived through it is an inspiration. I hope that I can someday inspire others as you have inspired me.
In the past my personality would never have allowed me to share with others the embarrassing and humiliating experiences I have had. I thought only other people had problems like this – but certainly not me. I was of the mind that my husband drank too much but the problem could be controlled (uh-huh so how did I get here?)
Interestingly enough I had said many times to AH - I hate this drinking, I hate who you have become, I feel like I have changed who I am and am becoming you - I don't know who I am anymore. The first time I heard that codependents are no longer themselves at an alanon meeting I about fell out of my chair. If I didn't know before, I sure knew then that I belong at alanon.
My life is scary right now, a lot of bad things have happened and there are a lot of unknown’s ahead. The last few days have been bad but I know with counseling, alanon and this forum I will be okay. I just need to enjoy the good days and realize that I have to experience some bad days in order to be able to recognize what a good day is.
Each day I am learning and gathering new tools to get me through.
A special thanks to all of you for listening, when I don’t have a meeting or someone to call I know you are always here for me.
I have read and re-read all the responses to my post. Sharing your experiences and wisdom with me is truly helpful and allows me to see hope in a situation that seems to lack any hope at all.
Knowing that many of you have walked in my shoes before me and have survived through it is an inspiration. I hope that I can someday inspire others as you have inspired me.
In the past my personality would never have allowed me to share with others the embarrassing and humiliating experiences I have had. I thought only other people had problems like this – but certainly not me. I was of the mind that my husband drank too much but the problem could be controlled (uh-huh so how did I get here?)
Interestingly enough I had said many times to AH - I hate this drinking, I hate who you have become, I feel like I have changed who I am and am becoming you - I don't know who I am anymore. The first time I heard that codependents are no longer themselves at an alanon meeting I about fell out of my chair. If I didn't know before, I sure knew then that I belong at alanon.
My life is scary right now, a lot of bad things have happened and there are a lot of unknown’s ahead. The last few days have been bad but I know with counseling, alanon and this forum I will be okay. I just need to enjoy the good days and realize that I have to experience some bad days in order to be able to recognize what a good day is.
Each day I am learning and gathering new tools to get me through.
A special thanks to all of you for listening, when I don’t have a meeting or someone to call I know you are always here for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Your fears are understandable and warranted.
When my X wife went to rehab, I felt at peace and I sadly did not miss her. I was exhausted from living with the alcoholic and I was hopeful I would have my old wife, the one I married, back after treatment.
This was not to be. She came back, and soon started drinking again. She also began an affair with a drunk she met in rehab which ended our marriage.
I wish you the best and I hope your experience is better than my own. But keep your guard up. Rehab does not always work. Plus as earlier said, the AA buddies become more important than family. We family members continue to suffer from our alcoholic loved ones actions, even after they stop drinking.
When my X wife went to rehab, I felt at peace and I sadly did not miss her. I was exhausted from living with the alcoholic and I was hopeful I would have my old wife, the one I married, back after treatment.
This was not to be. She came back, and soon started drinking again. She also began an affair with a drunk she met in rehab which ended our marriage.
I wish you the best and I hope your experience is better than my own. But keep your guard up. Rehab does not always work. Plus as earlier said, the AA buddies become more important than family. We family members continue to suffer from our alcoholic loved ones actions, even after they stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
You've had a vacation from all of it. You didn't have to make any decisons. He was somewhere getting help, not in an alley. You didn't have to worry. How long has it been since you felt that? The closer he gets, the more the anxiety. Even with this short break, you probably fear going back.
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