help and thanks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: rochelle, il
Posts: 7
help and thanks
hello. i found this site tonight by accident. but i am glad i did. i posted a thread in new comers and have been redirected here. after reading a lot,and i mean a lot, of the threads, i now know i am not alone. my husband is in jail, was clean over two years from crack, but still drank. the drinking was never an issue until this past january. he relapsed into crack, then the drinking became an issue. my head tells me to leave, my heart tells me to stay. i love him so much and know what kind of man he was before january. i am sad and lonely!! i am scared to death for me and him and our marriage. he has been drinking since the age of 14 and he is 38. he had a 17 year crack habit, then got clean. then in january fell off the wagon, big time. we just bought a house, and financially i can make it on my own, but emotionally i dont want to. i love him so deeply that i stay. but is taht healthy for me. i have been codependent my entire life, so it is hard to change now. i am trying. i am in counseling, want to find an open alanon meeting, want to work on me but i am not sure how. i have never just taken care of me. i am a care taker at heart. even in my career, i am a nurse. so...where to go from here. i know this is my first day here, but thanks to all of you. it seems like you guys are the only friends i have. the one i have here at home are all leaving me because i am still with my husband. so with him in jail, and all my family 600 miles away, i am really lonely. so just wanted to say thank you for all the threads i have been reading that have made me feel a little better. jen
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jen
I am so happy you joined us down here.
By now you probably realize that there is nothing you can do to change him, only he can do that if and when he is ready.
I think it is sad and tragic that your friends have backed away, but I know that when I become too involved in my son's addiction, that I tend to neglect my firends too, and I am just finally making a point of getting reacquaited and back to some kind of life that is not all about my son.
I hope you find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. My fellowship is Codependents Anonymous, but they are all pretty much the same as far as giving us valuable tools to reagain our balance and find some happiness in our lives again.
There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, that I highly recommend. It explains a lot about why we are involved and stay involved in unhealthy relationships. When I read it, I thought she had written my biography.
My son is a crack addict too, and not that any one drug is worse than another, I know that if the devil himself made a drug, it was crack.
Please keep reading, posting and learning to heal and look after yourself. Once we get our balance, we are far more capable of making healthy decisions. Some choose to stay, others to leave, and it is an individual process and decision. When you are ready, the answer will come.
Welcome to a fellowship of the most wonderful people you have never met. We're all here for you and care.
I am so happy you joined us down here.
By now you probably realize that there is nothing you can do to change him, only he can do that if and when he is ready.
I think it is sad and tragic that your friends have backed away, but I know that when I become too involved in my son's addiction, that I tend to neglect my firends too, and I am just finally making a point of getting reacquaited and back to some kind of life that is not all about my son.
I hope you find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. My fellowship is Codependents Anonymous, but they are all pretty much the same as far as giving us valuable tools to reagain our balance and find some happiness in our lives again.
There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, that I highly recommend. It explains a lot about why we are involved and stay involved in unhealthy relationships. When I read it, I thought she had written my biography.
My son is a crack addict too, and not that any one drug is worse than another, I know that if the devil himself made a drug, it was crack.
Please keep reading, posting and learning to heal and look after yourself. Once we get our balance, we are far more capable of making healthy decisions. Some choose to stay, others to leave, and it is an individual process and decision. When you are ready, the answer will come.
Welcome to a fellowship of the most wonderful people you have never met. We're all here for you and care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: rochelle, il
Posts: 7
so sad
anns, as i sit here and read your reply to me, i am crying. it is so hard to believe that anybody understands my pain. i am hurting so bad and dont understand why my husband would throw away all we have for crack and alcohol. i am sad for him and me. i miss him terribly and want him to come home. i cant describe the love i have for him. it is un ending. i just want him to get help. i tried to talk to my mom about all of this, but she says to leave the sob. i didnt tell the whole story.......when he started using again in january he had an affair too. so that just adds to the hurt and saddness. i am so confused. and tired of hurting. but thank you so much.. you have no idea how much this is helping me tonight. jen
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jen
We have a saying here "Love the addict - hate the disease". Addiction is the why to your questions. It's just what addiction does to people.
It's okay to cry here, we have the biggest tissue box in the world ready at all times. Letting the pain out is a good start in any of our recoveries. For too long, we have held it all inside until it made us sick. We learn that letting the pain out is the first step in healing.
My prayers go out for you. May you find some shelter from the storm here.
We have a saying here "Love the addict - hate the disease". Addiction is the why to your questions. It's just what addiction does to people.
It's okay to cry here, we have the biggest tissue box in the world ready at all times. Letting the pain out is a good start in any of our recoveries. For too long, we have held it all inside until it made us sick. We learn that letting the pain out is the first step in healing.
My prayers go out for you. May you find some shelter from the storm here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: cincinnati,ohio
Posts: 35
Dear Nurse,
Hello and welcome.I'm also new here and I find it very helpful to read and post here.There are some very wise people here that Ive already felt I've learned things from.It also feels so good to know you're not alone!
We all seem to be going through the same things,only at different stages.I still have a long way to go so I can't give you any real good advice.Only to take care and be good to yourself.You sound as if you've already come a long way!
Peaceand God Bless!
Karen
Hello and welcome.I'm also new here and I find it very helpful to read and post here.There are some very wise people here that Ive already felt I've learned things from.It also feels so good to know you're not alone!
We all seem to be going through the same things,only at different stages.I still have a long way to go so I can't give you any real good advice.Only to take care and be good to yourself.You sound as if you've already come a long way!
Peaceand God Bless!
Karen
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Jen,
Let me welcome you too.
What Ann said is the best advise anyone can give. You have to learn to take care of yourself and Alanon or Naranon will give you the tools to do that. Visiting here will help as well.
I understand that love you are talking about but you are no good to anyone if you don't take care of you. I feel your confusion and I have been there. I have had a number of alcoholics in my life and have experienced what you are talking about.
There are stickies at the top of this forum and the book Ann mentioned is available at the library or here on this site you can order it. It is also one of my favorites.
Come back often. We will be here!
Hugs,
JT
Let me welcome you too.
What Ann said is the best advise anyone can give. You have to learn to take care of yourself and Alanon or Naranon will give you the tools to do that. Visiting here will help as well.
I understand that love you are talking about but you are no good to anyone if you don't take care of you. I feel your confusion and I have been there. I have had a number of alcoholics in my life and have experienced what you are talking about.
There are stickies at the top of this forum and the book Ann mentioned is available at the library or here on this site you can order it. It is also one of my favorites.
Come back often. We will be here!
Hugs,
JT
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
((((((((Jen))))))))
In the middle of all the pain, the best thing in the world for me was finding people who could relate to me and what I was going through. It has been a life saver to share with people who understand and don't judge me harshly for my staying with my husband, who has battled crack addiction for at least 15 years, but by the grace of his HP has found recovery. And, with the help of my HP, I have learned to love myself better and focus on me.
Take care - I'll be sending happy thoughts your way.
Hugs,
JG
In the middle of all the pain, the best thing in the world for me was finding people who could relate to me and what I was going through. It has been a life saver to share with people who understand and don't judge me harshly for my staying with my husband, who has battled crack addiction for at least 15 years, but by the grace of his HP has found recovery. And, with the help of my HP, I have learned to love myself better and focus on me.
Take care - I'll be sending happy thoughts your way.
Hugs,
JG
Last edited by journeygal; 03-27-2003 at 07:01 PM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: rochelle, il
Posts: 7
i have it......
i have the book you guys are talking about. that is where i discovered that i have been codependent my entire life. also, i don't think i have come long way karen, he just went to jail on saturday and this is thursady, so 5 days. this is all fresh to me and i am so glad i found you guys. thank you
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