My son is a 15-yr old alcoholic
Mom of Teen Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 23
My son is a 15-yr old alcoholic
SORRY - - I ACCIDENTALLY DUPLICATED THIS THREAD. IT IS THE SAME AS THE OTHER ONE.
I've just discovered that my 15-year old son is an alcoholic. It's been a very stressful month for the entire family. He is now in an (expensive) intensive outpatient treatment program.
I am not alcoholic, but son's biodad is a practicing alcoholic (for over 25 years now) and I was prepared for son to be genetically predisposed to alcoholism. But dealing with a child who is alcoholic is a lot different than dealing with an adult who is alcoholic. (I only had limited experience dealing with son's biodad before we divorced.)
Additionally, because we lock our liquor cabinet, son steals liquor/wine from local stores, and now he's facing retail fraud charges in juvenile court.
I'm so depleted from the time/energy/money drain that this child is causing, I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with it.
Son's biodad is NO help. Son visits him every other weekend, but dad does not lock up his liquor OR cigarettes (despite my pleading that he do so) and son does not yet have the fortitude to resist such temptation.
He also goes to AA meetings, and those seem to be helpful, but as I work full-time and have responsibilities to the rest of the family, I'm starting to feel resentful of how much MORE time/energy/money son uses that takes away from the rest of the family. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything, and I'm willing to do whatever I have to do to help him get through this, but it's difficult when I can't see the end of the tunnel....
Any input is appreciated.
I've just discovered that my 15-year old son is an alcoholic. It's been a very stressful month for the entire family. He is now in an (expensive) intensive outpatient treatment program.
I am not alcoholic, but son's biodad is a practicing alcoholic (for over 25 years now) and I was prepared for son to be genetically predisposed to alcoholism. But dealing with a child who is alcoholic is a lot different than dealing with an adult who is alcoholic. (I only had limited experience dealing with son's biodad before we divorced.)
Additionally, because we lock our liquor cabinet, son steals liquor/wine from local stores, and now he's facing retail fraud charges in juvenile court.
I'm so depleted from the time/energy/money drain that this child is causing, I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with it.
Son's biodad is NO help. Son visits him every other weekend, but dad does not lock up his liquor OR cigarettes (despite my pleading that he do so) and son does not yet have the fortitude to resist such temptation.
He also goes to AA meetings, and those seem to be helpful, but as I work full-time and have responsibilities to the rest of the family, I'm starting to feel resentful of how much MORE time/energy/money son uses that takes away from the rest of the family. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything, and I'm willing to do whatever I have to do to help him get through this, but it's difficult when I can't see the end of the tunnel....
Any input is appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome, sadgypsy, glad you're here
Have you tried Al-Anon? I have a meeting I go to here on Saturday mornings that is geared specifically to parents (though I am not one). Some have children as young as 12 who are addicts. There you might find some support to help you deal with the frustration and resentments that seem to come from living with alcoholism.
there are other members here who are dealing with alcoholic children and i'm sure they'll be along shortly to weigh in.
please take care of yourself, and keep posting.
Have you tried Al-Anon? I have a meeting I go to here on Saturday mornings that is geared specifically to parents (though I am not one). Some have children as young as 12 who are addicts. There you might find some support to help you deal with the frustration and resentments that seem to come from living with alcoholism.
there are other members here who are dealing with alcoholic children and i'm sure they'll be along shortly to weigh in.
please take care of yourself, and keep posting.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 11-26-2006 at 10:59 AM. Reason: Fixed goof up from merging of threads
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: El Cerrito, California
Posts: 580
I don't know what the legal arrangement is with your son's biodad, but your son's exposure to him is certainly part of the problem. Figuring out a way to limit or eliminate contact would be great.
Probably the biggest thing would be for you to attend Alanon meetings. Your son has a problem which he needs to deal with now regardless of what complications it brings up, and he has the right resources. Your buttons are being pushed because you care, but attending Alanon would give you a way to work with them so that that process doesn't get in the way of your son's recovery.
Best of luck to you.
Probably the biggest thing would be for you to attend Alanon meetings. Your son has a problem which he needs to deal with now regardless of what complications it brings up, and he has the right resources. Your buttons are being pushed because you care, but attending Alanon would give you a way to work with them so that that process doesn't get in the way of your son's recovery.
Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ouch that has to hurt like heck. Im sorry you are having to deal with this ....
I can understand the resentment as well, I have to ask though your not doing things that is going to keep him from paying the conquenses of his actions are you? This stealing from the stores? Are you hiring an attorney to try and get him off???? cuz I would be more prone to let him plead guilty and do whatever has to be done to pay the price.
As far as the ex is concerned, hopefully your son will "get it" and understand he has a problem. At 15 the father can not "force" the child to visit and if your son is serious then he should watch going to "slipery" places.... Maybe talk to your son about not visiting at his home for awhile and just doing a dinner/movie thing. But I have to say if your son wants to drink it really does not matter if the liquor or cigs is locked up or not..... he will find a way.
I can understand the resentment as well, I have to ask though your not doing things that is going to keep him from paying the conquenses of his actions are you? This stealing from the stores? Are you hiring an attorney to try and get him off???? cuz I would be more prone to let him plead guilty and do whatever has to be done to pay the price.
As far as the ex is concerned, hopefully your son will "get it" and understand he has a problem. At 15 the father can not "force" the child to visit and if your son is serious then he should watch going to "slipery" places.... Maybe talk to your son about not visiting at his home for awhile and just doing a dinner/movie thing. But I have to say if your son wants to drink it really does not matter if the liquor or cigs is locked up or not..... he will find a way.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi SadGypsy...
We discovered my kid was an meth addict when she was 17.... and that she had been using since the summer between 6th and 7th grades. Like you, we have enough alcoholism in our family line, I thought I was prepared for this news..... but no one can be.
She went to rehab 4 times - the first 2 on our insurance. Each time, she got further into her recovery. Each session brought her closer to breaking through her denial of her condition, her delusion that she was in control of it, and finally she came to accept HER responsibility to get and stay clean and sober.
Mr. Big and I ALSO went through stages during this time... of breaking through OUR denial of the condition, OUR delusion that it was "blip" on the screen, and OUR grief for all our plans for our little girl.
Without Alanon, there was a time when the pain of watching her struggle would have taken me off the planet. When I say they "saved my life", that is no exaggeration.
I hope you are attending meetings... I started out with one a week (and resenting THAT one day!), but something clicked for me and started going 3 and sometimes 4 times a week for a while. I wanted what they have... serenity and peace EVEN when the alcoholic is still drinking.
Your son will have to decide whether he wants to be sober. His dad has stuff... but so do his own friends. He will be exposed to booze over and over. HE has to decide to stay clean. Perhaps you can bring up your fears about his dad during some of the family counseling at rehab? That is usually a safe way to get things said. But don't be surprised if the responsibility for staying clean is put squarely on your child. In the long run, he IS the only one who can get him sober.
Please post again and let me know how he is doing.... and how your are doing. (((hugs)))
We discovered my kid was an meth addict when she was 17.... and that she had been using since the summer between 6th and 7th grades. Like you, we have enough alcoholism in our family line, I thought I was prepared for this news..... but no one can be.
She went to rehab 4 times - the first 2 on our insurance. Each time, she got further into her recovery. Each session brought her closer to breaking through her denial of her condition, her delusion that she was in control of it, and finally she came to accept HER responsibility to get and stay clean and sober.
Mr. Big and I ALSO went through stages during this time... of breaking through OUR denial of the condition, OUR delusion that it was "blip" on the screen, and OUR grief for all our plans for our little girl.
Without Alanon, there was a time when the pain of watching her struggle would have taken me off the planet. When I say they "saved my life", that is no exaggeration.
I hope you are attending meetings... I started out with one a week (and resenting THAT one day!), but something clicked for me and started going 3 and sometimes 4 times a week for a while. I wanted what they have... serenity and peace EVEN when the alcoholic is still drinking.
Your son will have to decide whether he wants to be sober. His dad has stuff... but so do his own friends. He will be exposed to booze over and over. HE has to decide to stay clean. Perhaps you can bring up your fears about his dad during some of the family counseling at rehab? That is usually a safe way to get things said. But don't be surprised if the responsibility for staying clean is put squarely on your child. In the long run, he IS the only one who can get him sober.
Please post again and let me know how he is doing.... and how your are doing. (((hugs)))
Mom of Teen Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Cynay
Ouch that has to hurt like heck. Im sorry you are having to deal with this ....
I can understand the resentment as well, I have to ask though your not doing things that is going to keep him from paying the conquenses of his actions are you? This stealing from the stores? Are you hiring an attorney to try and get him off???? cuz I would be more prone to let him plead guilty and do whatever has to be done to pay the price.
I can understand the resentment as well, I have to ask though your not doing things that is going to keep him from paying the conquenses of his actions are you? This stealing from the stores? Are you hiring an attorney to try and get him off???? cuz I would be more prone to let him plead guilty and do whatever has to be done to pay the price.
Son also has a minor-in-possession charge still pending from March of this year that hasn't gone to court YET....(so much for a 'speedy' trial, huh?) and he has a concluded larceny in a building case from last year. I'm sure the judge will LOVE to see him again. He went easy on him the first time, but the next two times? I doubt it. He's headed for Juvenile Detention for sure.
Mom of Teen Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 23
Hubs wants me to quit my job
...but I say that if the kid is going to keep using, he's going to keep using, whether I'm home to babysit him or not.
He'll just stop coming home directly after school. If I go to the school to pick him up, he'll leave by the back door. Hubs doesn't seem to get that me quitting my job is going to cause a lot more problems that it's going to solve. If this kid wants to use bad enough, he's going to find a way, and quitting my job won't make that more difficult for him, he'll just get more creative and sneaky.
Son and my stepson decided to run away from home last night because of a disagreement that my stepson had with his father (my husb). My son hadn't done anything wrong and was not involved in the disagreement, but apparently left with stepson through his broken-out bedroom window out of some displaced sense of loyalty or something. (wtf?!?!) When I kind of caught up with him and reminded him that he could ill afford more trouble with the law and that he could avoid that by coming home immediately, he told me to f--k off and die, essentially.
When the police brought him home two hours later, he insisted he would rather spend the night in the juvenile detention center than here, because his life here is SO miserable and intolerable. The officers' eyes nearly popped out of their heads...clearly, they knew he had never BEEN to juvenile detention before, if he would try to choose it over a night in his own home. (FYI: My son is skinny, small for his age, and wears glasses...how well do you think he would fare in a juvenile detention facility?)
Son is under the mistaken impression that his A biodad would be willing to bail him out of any consequences that hubs and I hold him to here, but he is wrong. His biodad might still be a practicing A, but he loves his son enough that he doesn't want him to have a life like his, he wants him to have a better one, and we had a nice long conversation regarding this very issue this morning. His biodad will NOT be bailing him out of ANY consequences, and despite his alcholism, his biodad has been pretty good with reaching agreements with me on parenting issues. It's too bad he is still in denial about his own alcoholism, but I can't make him see the light on that.
He'll just stop coming home directly after school. If I go to the school to pick him up, he'll leave by the back door. Hubs doesn't seem to get that me quitting my job is going to cause a lot more problems that it's going to solve. If this kid wants to use bad enough, he's going to find a way, and quitting my job won't make that more difficult for him, he'll just get more creative and sneaky.
Son and my stepson decided to run away from home last night because of a disagreement that my stepson had with his father (my husb). My son hadn't done anything wrong and was not involved in the disagreement, but apparently left with stepson through his broken-out bedroom window out of some displaced sense of loyalty or something. (wtf?!?!) When I kind of caught up with him and reminded him that he could ill afford more trouble with the law and that he could avoid that by coming home immediately, he told me to f--k off and die, essentially.
When the police brought him home two hours later, he insisted he would rather spend the night in the juvenile detention center than here, because his life here is SO miserable and intolerable. The officers' eyes nearly popped out of their heads...clearly, they knew he had never BEEN to juvenile detention before, if he would try to choose it over a night in his own home. (FYI: My son is skinny, small for his age, and wears glasses...how well do you think he would fare in a juvenile detention facility?)
Son is under the mistaken impression that his A biodad would be willing to bail him out of any consequences that hubs and I hold him to here, but he is wrong. His biodad might still be a practicing A, but he loves his son enough that he doesn't want him to have a life like his, he wants him to have a better one, and we had a nice long conversation regarding this very issue this morning. His biodad will NOT be bailing him out of ANY consequences, and despite his alcholism, his biodad has been pretty good with reaching agreements with me on parenting issues. It's too bad he is still in denial about his own alcoholism, but I can't make him see the light on that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
((((((sadgypsy)))))))
i have no words of advice, only wanted you to know my prayers are with you and your family.
teenage years are tough for all, but tougher for some. sorry your son is struggling so, and i know your heart must be hurting terribly.
hate em/ love em.....i often said that the only thing that kept my 4 children alive during their teenage years, was the fact that i squeezed them outta my body and fell instantly in love with them at birth. if not for that tie, i know i wouldn't have even liked them.
your sons biodad really needs to get on board for this one, or your son is going to have even a harder time. hope biodad sees the light and stands united with you and your hubs on this one.....
luv to ya
jeri
i have no words of advice, only wanted you to know my prayers are with you and your family.
teenage years are tough for all, but tougher for some. sorry your son is struggling so, and i know your heart must be hurting terribly.
hate em/ love em.....i often said that the only thing that kept my 4 children alive during their teenage years, was the fact that i squeezed them outta my body and fell instantly in love with them at birth. if not for that tie, i know i wouldn't have even liked them.
your sons biodad really needs to get on board for this one, or your son is going to have even a harder time. hope biodad sees the light and stands united with you and your hubs on this one.....
luv to ya
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I would say exactly what you have said here to the Judge. AA may be helping but doesn't seem to be enough. If I were a Judge, I give him an in house rehab for a period of time and stop visits to dads until dad gets on board. Probably never. You need help and there is help. I'd start with the Judge who can impose manditory placement. It is different when a kid is accountable to Judge instead of mom. Why not write the Judge a letter befor sentencing?
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