I am bitter and misguided

Old 03-26-2003, 10:41 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Angry I am bitter and misguided

This is my first post.
My wife is an alcoholic. I think I've become addicted to being angry. When I see a six pack, I see red. Last night, I went to bed to be awaken at midnight by a dream that Satan himself was calling me on my cell phone. I could tell it was Satan because the caller ID read 666-6666.
I woke up, heart racing, felt like something was wrong. I went downstairs and found my wife swilling a sixer of tall-boys. I lost it. I went to the fridge and grabbed the remaining beers and started started ripping them open dumping them down the sink. Then the yelling started, and throwing the cans across the kitchen. I know it does no good, but I do it anyway. I yelled hard for a good ten minutes, then sat on the couch in silence, regretting my actions, apologizing for my rage.
The missus instantly began dismissing the severity."It's only a six-pack." "I'll call the treatment center first thing in the morning." etc...
After some decent discussion and proclamations of love and support, I went back to bed to a sleep riddled with nightmares.
My love never went sleep at all. She stayed up all night finishing her bruised beers and chain-smoking.
When I went home for my lunch break, she was dead asleep on the couch. The anger set in immediately.
So I am seriously losing it. Im probably doing more harm than good for my wife, and I keep on trying to understand something I have no clue about.
I got some info on some local Al-anon meetings, and I am going to my first one on Sunday night.
Anyone have any ideas how I can save my wife the sufferage of my vicious wrath, and save myself the frusteration of being powerless to help her create a change?
Old 03-26-2003, 02:58 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
I think bitter is a natural

reaction to a disease as rugged as alcoholism. I would venture a guess that all of us here have had our bitter moments. As for misguided, you sound like your heart is in the right place, so I wouldn't call that misguided.
It's hard to love someone who seems hell bent for destruction. It's hard not to get angry and throw their beer away. Most of all, it's hard not to be able to fix what is wrong with them. Because when you love someone, you just want to make things all better.
I think you will find a lot of support and guidance in Alanon. And you will find those same things here on this board.
I have two alcoholics in my life. My mother and my ex-husband. I still have issues with both of them from time to time that require prayer, meditation and sometimes just some good old hot-headed ranting.
Hang around, there are good people here who often become my smile for the day.
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Old 03-26-2003, 03:38 PM
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I know how hard what you are going through is. Believe it or not, your decision to go to Al-anon can change your life. It has changed mine for the better. Please have hope. Your anger is normal and your urge to get help is normal too, you will find hope through al-anon and through this board. Good wishes are coming your way.

Dancing Queen
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Old 03-26-2003, 06:06 PM
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Location: walking in faith
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Hi Jake and welcome!

What you're feeling is completely normal and it's great that you've already come to understand that you're powerless over your wife's drinking. And it's even better that you're going to your first al-anon meeting.

There are some power posts at the top of the al-anon and nar-anon boards that you might want to check out. There's a lot of great info on enabling, detaching, etc. that might help you begin to come to terms with your anger, frustration, and resentment. Your wife has a disease and she's in denial. The best you can do is focus on and get help for yourself.

Keep coming back - we're here for you!

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Old 03-27-2003, 05:46 AM
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Thanks, all of you. I'll be around. I'm looking forward to some solidarity. \m/
Old 03-27-2003, 02:11 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
I would like to welcome you Jake!!

Coming here is going to help you alot! There are so many people in the same situation as you are. The feeling of helplessness is not a good one. But you do not have to feel that way anymore.

These boards and Alanon are going to give you much needed strength!!!!! You can not make your wife get help or admit she has a problem. You are not alone when it comes to pouring the booze and beer down the sink. I think most of us have been there, done that. What you can do is concentrate on YOU! Peace will come one of these days for you.

Take care and my prayers go out to you,
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Old 03-28-2003, 11:25 PM
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Learning to love life...
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Jake,
I can very much relate to your story... My husband is an alcoholic, and I used to do and feel the same as you. I would poor beers down the sink, I would hide the booze, hide his keys, and do anything possible to STOP him from drinking... I even used to not come home to the kids / family just so that he would be stuck at home and NOT be able to use. And in the morning (or whenever the "sober" time would be), I would yell and scream and cry to him, because it was after all HIS fault that MY life was so out of control; and how could he be so selfish?!!!
But that is not reality; that is not the truth. The truth is that I was losing myself in this obsession over alcohol. My life revolved around when / where / how and why he was drinking... and of course around what I could do to get him to stop. My behaviors were insane, and my life was totally unmanageable - but it wasn't HIS fault, it was mine. Just as the alcoholic CHOOSES to pick up the bottle, we CHOOSE to react.
And Alanon? it changed my life as well... I went thinking that it was one more thing I could do to HELP him to stop... but ended up helping myself. I found this person who was buried under the weight of the disease, and soon realized that I was wasting my life. I deserve to be happy, even if my A is not... There are many many many things that I can do that have NOTHING to do with my A, and that ultimately embrace and enhance the wonderful person that I am. And just speaking from personal experience, once you get a taste of that powerful self-love and discovery, you NEVER go back.
There IS a way to live through this. Go to Alanon... and if you don't like it the first time, go again and again... go to different meetings... go until you simply cannot walk away from your OWN recovery, and then enjoy your new life. Eventually you will be able to sleep peacefully; and that monster passed out on your couch? Eventually you will be able to look at her without seeing red - perhaps you'll even be able to give her gentle kiss on the cheek just because you appreciate having someone special to share your life with.
I'm glad you found us - keep coming back!
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Old 03-29-2003, 04:06 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2002
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Nothing I can add, everyone has said it so well,

so welcome to SR and welcome to Al-anon. Your life is going to change for the better and you will love it!
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