IrshIzNotSmilin

Hi Again. This better not bump me off.

Quick Summary:

I am a codie. Yehhhhhhhhhh! Ok on Tues. AH at family meeting for real inheritance issues legal and drinking. Wed. AH in Philly getting his car hopped up hanging in the city pubbing it. Both nites home LATE. Where am I working on Tues nite and alone on Wed well wed came home at 9 I went to bed both nites. and last nite at 9. I am so alone and lonely. I feel abandoned, and unimportant.

It is all getting to me. Last nite therapy. I go he tells me there are 4 things before you high tale it.

1. Talk

2. Talk with stipulations and ask for a change. No change.

3. Therapy together no change.

4. Ultimatum then no change got to make a decision.

Ok so back of my head I have the spring as my deadline. But you see all codie here my life is being ruined by this man's addiction. I want home family baby I want to be at the IVF getting pregnant I love him. Iwant it with him..wah wah wah wah. I cried hysterically all the way home in the car yesterday. He works late thurs. AH and I made dinner and went to bed. I was so angry and felt so resentful all the da*n commercials for x-mas and babies on tv. I was a wreck inside. He asks me AH.

What is wrong? I vaguely tell him because I have done 1. and 2. on list next is 3 and I do not know if it is worth it. what do you think? I kind of want to give it a shot b/c then I can say I did. I am resistent to it b/c I think I know the answer will be negative and I want my home my family my baby my BLOODY DREAM!!!!!##@@##@##@# I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo upset today and yesterday.

So AH says tell me I said I have and I do not wish to discuss now he was sober but i just did not want to discuss it. We did not discuss I just told him " we have discussed on the 21st and you did not change anything and I asked you and I am disappointed and I need to sleep." I was depressed. I am trying to deal. I did tell him that i would write him a letter in the new year. not during the holidays. I thought that maybe if I write it out. Attach a letter from 2 years ago where he put into writing that he would change then maybe go to the therapist in the new year, no change then it would be 4. But now I am dealing with MR. MOODY who is upset with ME. He feels I am saying that I am disappointed with him and I love him the man I am not disappointed in the behaviors and how it is screwing up my life's dream I am upset with. Thoughts? Should I play it all out as therapist says? I want to try but I am so mad. I am so disappointed. And now he feels I am disappointed with him. Now I am wrong. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh1!!!!! No baby steps today.

BohemiMamaof3

If you trust your threapist, I think s/he's giving you thoughtful advice, and they know you and your situation. You might have to face the fact that down the road you might have to change and alter your dreams to fit the reality of your circumstances. Very tough to come to terms with, but not impossible.

cmc

Irsh,
I'm sorry you are so stressed, it's difficult I am sure. Not much of my own recovery has come easily.. and I can relate to your pain, and share what I try to do.
I listen, learn and try to see what others who know more than me have to say. I watch how others deal with the same problems and I see how others fall or fail to do what maybe they should be doing for themselves or their situation. I pray and reflect, and cry and consider options.
After doing all of that...I have to feel comfortable before I can make a decision and then act upon it. If I jump into something that I am not really ready for...or wavering about...I cannot really do it anyway.
I can give you no advice as to what you should do. I can tell you that things can improve and those baby steps that seem to take forever to make are also more SURE steps.
hugs,
cmc

LaTeeDa

This is exactly it. That is what your therapist is trying to tell you. "Decision time," does not have to mean leaving. It means deciding for yourself if you can accept things the way they are. It is a very personal decision that only you can make, and only when you are ready to make it. I don't know if setting yourself a deadline is such a good idea. I think that when you get to the point where you know what you need to do, that is the point you do it. Not some artificial deadline.

JMHO,

L

denny57

(((irsh)) I agree with LTD, deadlines did not work for me. Years slipped away with my self-imposed deadlines. When I was ready to put me first, I knew it was right. That may not help, but it's the way it was for me.

I came to realize my life was not being ruined by someone else's addiction, but by my own - to an unhealthy relationship where nothing would change as long as I continued to support the addiction.

I still have dreams today - some of them the same as when I was with AH, some new. I'm excited about the possibilities.

Take care of yourself.

IrshIzNotSmilin

You are all right about the deadline thing. I know that. Because I had the imaginary deadline before and hey look where I am. I am having a hard time wrapping myself around this " as long as I supported the addiction"? How am I doing that? I really want to know. Am I doing it by going to al-anon and trying to accept and detach? Am I doing it by not going to the therapist with him? Am I doing it by not leaving? I am open to whatever you think it helps me to hear you. I am so disappointed today I am mucking around in it today. I feel so stupid. I am mad at myself and my choices. I feel like I just fell in the hole again. How will I ever replace this lovelessness? How will it ever ebb so that I can accept the realities? Sorry just in the friggin pit today.

GettingBy

(((Irish)))),

I'm not so sure that Denny was saying that YOU are supporting the addiction (maybe I'm wrong). I took it to mean that before she started recovery... she was supporting the addiction. Steps like going to Al-anon, learning how to detach, going to see your therapist and working on you are clearly actions that are NOT supporting the addiction. You're working in the right direction, IMHO.

Bad days will come and go. This too shall pass and tomorrow is a new opportunity for happiness. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, Irish and those icky feelings will ebb... and life will move on.

Take it easy on yourself today.

Hugs,
Shannon

denny57

Irsh, I don't have all the answers. Only my own. I now believe I supported the addiction by staying. My staying put in the relationship sent the message I was okay with the status quo. It is different for everyone.

When I learned about AH's latest addiction-related behaviors I had to ask myself some hard questions:

At 49, talking of adoption, did I want to start over?

AH had gone into therapy a year earlier - still was drinking, still acting out - was I finally going to accept that as my reality and continue on?

AH and I had a lovely home, a successful business and careers that were entwined - was I willing to stay to keep that intact? Did I not think I could make it on my own?

At my age, did I want to "start over?" Couldn't I just accept this as my Reality (with a capital R as my friend likes to say) and make the best of it?

Was I willing to live the rest of my life exactly as I was living it because for now that is all I know to be true?

Did I want the shame and embarrassment of telling everyone I had failed at my marriage?

There were a lot more. Have you tried doing a list? The best I can offer is that for many, many years, I forgave, overlooked, hoped, wished and dreamed about the life I wanted. After 15 years I reached the conclusion I was going to have to do that without an addict in my life.

I left my marriage still loving AH. I don't hate him now. I'm doing what is best for me, as is he. I wish it could be black and white - it is not. It's complicated and messy and painful; yet I know it is right and I know I will be better for it.

Keep asking the questions and searching your inner self - you will know what is right to do - one day at a time.

((()))

IrshIzNotSmilin

I have to go to a dr appt. I want to reply more later thanks everybody. Shannon I thank you for the distinctions. They help. Denny thanks again I did not take anything negatively just trying to sort out today. All of you help so much. I hate today and yesterday. I feel like I fell off the wagon myself here. Ha. Anyway. Talk later.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hi Again,

I went to the dr today and had to get some anti anxiety and sleeping aide. I am not doing very well and AH is distant. Oh well. Denny I paid close attention here to what you are saying and I am going to print it and think about it. make a list too. I know one thing you are brave when you do this for as many years as some of you have had. You have great courage and strength. Thank you.