kipper

Another day, same as yesterday. Go to work, come home, eat something, do more work, cry myself to sleep. I miss him so much. I chose this because I needed to but man I miss him.
I have no idea how he is doing, I am so scared for him. I am starting to feel angry. I haven't felt this emotion yet. I am so mad that he can choose alcohol over the life we were supposed to have together. I am still trying to accept this. Is there anyway things can be different for us? No I know there isn't but sh** it hurts!
We really did have a great thing going aside from all he did and does to deceive me.
I can't wait for a year from now...I hope I can feel better and not have this empty feeling that is so strong in my life right now.
I love him and I have this fear that I will move on and never be able to forget how it felt to love him. The thing that I can't stop thinking about is having kids with someone else and looking at them and wondering what they would look like if they were the kids that him and I were supposed to have. This thought kills me.
Thanks for reading I just need to get this out.

Kipper

kermit

Dear Kipper... I am your story. It has been about 9 months since I kicked my AH to the curb. It hurt so bad for first few months. I cried and cried and cried. I do better now. I went into survival mode. When I posted my first few posts they were just like yours. I did believe what wvryone was trying to tell me back then.. "you will be okay" I thought NO way in hell. But now I am much better. Not better but working on it. This place has helped me get through many a nights, some of them I almost even took my life but I reached out here and gained some strength. As I hope you will. WE honestly love you because we have been right where you are. When the healing begins these thoughts will fade, not go away, just fade. I love my Ah more than life itself that is why I'm letting go i am no good for him.
Keep posting, crying and throwing things if you have to. We are here for you. I will hold you in my thoughts that your pain will weaken.
I too thought I had it good but now"having the perfect life" was not good at all.

FormerDoormat

Take a closer look at this statement and consider buying some new glasses. Those rose-colored glasses appear to be clouding your view. A relationship with an alcoholic who constantly deceived you is NOT a great thing.

I think what you miss is the dream of what he could be. I'm sorry you're hurting, kipper, but you deserve better than this. You just have to let go of the dream to see things clearly. Once I let go, I found peace.

kermit

Kipper? you okay today? We're here for you

Cynay

Hey there Kipper... Im sorry it hurts so much in the beginning.

Baby, you will never look into your childrens eyes and wonder.... When you get through this and the pain is not running so deep you will be able to see things much more clear. When you realize what you are worth and then find someone that treats you that way you will never think twice about the eyes looking back at you. Its ok to love him, what is not ok is to allow that love to reek havoic on your life..... not to mention the lives of those children you want.

Imagine how much worse it would be if you stayed ... had children .... and then had to look into their eyes filled with tears cuz they dont understand alcoholism.

It will get better, I promise... just keep taking one more step forward... that is all you have to do today.

deax

I understand this. I worry too about moving on out of necessity but never really getting over it. I just try and tell myself not to project about what tomorrow will bring, or how I'll feel in a year from now. Let it go, do your best in today, and just wait and see. (hugs)

deax

I kinda feel like I know what she means, though.... Like how the lying/deceiving were things he was compelled to do because he was an addict but he might not have been a liar and a sneaky ******* sober....

Is that wearing rose colored glasses too? If it is, feel free to tell me, please, because I struggle a lot with figuring this out. Sometimes I feel angry at him for all the lying and think I deserve better, and other times I don't take it personally and think he might have loved me in his own screwy way more than someone else I could meet who isn't an addict....

Is that still thinking like a codie? I still get confused...

Cynay

*chuckles*

Deax ... yep that is still thinking like a Codi... but that is ok too.

denny57

Don't know if this will help much. For me, it's been a time thing. Yeah, the old patience thing which is sooooooo hard to do. The more I rediscover myself, the less I think about "his" side of it. After 18 years with someone, it just takes time. I have finally accepted that.

embraced2000

i understand that, too, deax and kipper....i stayed in a very hurtful place for a very long time thinking he loved me truly, greatly, deeply....that his disease was just making him do awful things. so i excused and excused and excused some more, his behaviors.

then it became dangerous for me.....so i had to get out of it all.

awwwww.....but the good times were way beyond good. was the best.
the bad times.....just as the disease progressed, so did the bad times.

letting go of him was the most hurtful thing ever, ever, ever in my life. i wanted to die, myself. could not imagine a future without him in it with me. could not stand the thought of another woman with him. could not stand the thought of another man in my life,,,,,ever.

hurt, hurt, hurt.......morning, noon, and night. that awful squeezy feeling in your chest and throat.....stomach upside down.....heart breaking all the time...waves of anguish washing over me.

finally, i started caring a little more about myself.....didn't want to feel that way anymore. and since he wasn't going to change, i knew i had to or i was gonna fade into oblivion.

it does get better....i promise....but it only gets better if your willing to let it get better.

al-anon helped save my sanity and my health. they taught me the tools i needed to survive that horrible, sad, defeated place i was in.

blessings
jeri

mazey

Jeri, you said it so well....
It is so hard to think ahead to when you will be better, cuz you are hurting so deeply now, we become consumed with all the thoughts, feelings, disappointments, thoughts of how it could have been.... We all want to be better NOW. But, the process is slow with progress to feel those feelings then somehow we pass into another phase, and another till we wake up one day and are actually feeling better! Healing. With any loss, it takes time. It is like a wound that needs to seal off, and heal, usually with scar tissue but it changes in depth. Our job, is to help it heal by not letting the scab get loosened or dislodged to bleed again. Alanon and this site does help with salve & protective coverings.
Like Denny said, when we have been with them every day, shared so many things it is almost, ALMOST impossible to think of life with out them, but we eventually can. 'Day at a time', and hour at a time if needed, heck 5 minutes even....
When we say, "it'll be okay, you'll be okay" it is certainly not to minimize what you are going thru, it is to offer a hope it can be better, if you help it.

kipper

Thanks everyone for replying.
It sucks coming in second to a bottle. I am trying to live day to day, minute to minute. Didn't cry for 4 hours straight today. That is an accomplishment! We had our graditude meeting tonight at al-anon. I love that meeting. I am grateful for this site and for all of you. I am also grateful that for the first time in 5 years I am focused on taking care of me. What a strange feeling!
I can't wait to get through this and be standing on the other side.

deax

Dammit!

deax

With that attitude, you most definitely will- maybe even sooner and stronger than you think right now! (hugs)

embraced2000

good job kipper!!!!! i understand how difficult it is....still is at times.

keep on, march on

blessings
jeri

BohemiMamaof3

Here’s a link to an old thread, and remember:

And this is “our” motto for a reason: The Serenity Prayer.