marilyn s

I have been in recovery almost a year now. I have relapsed several times over the last 3 months, and that has been hard on my husband as well as myself.
He is very supportive and loving to me, but when I relapse he goes through many emotions, anger, feelings of betrayal if I've lied to him, worry, worry, worry. He wants me to explain a lot about why I relapse, why I lied, what's going on with me. That's very hard for me to do. I'm going through a great deal of inner turmoil as it is, so I suggested he attend some alanon meetings.
He's been to a few, but has found them to be more like self-help groups than a place to get help on how to deal with an alcoholic in your life. He say's the people indirectly discuss alcoholism, but mostly talk about themselves, their issues, nothing really about the alcoholic that is affecting them. He wants to know how he can be most effective in helping me. Are most alanon meetings this way? I've also suggested he write on this board, maybe he will. I go to AA meetings, and he goes with me sometimes, and he feels the AA meetings are much more in touch with the disease. What do we do?

journeygal

Hi Marilyn,

I can totally relate to how your husband feels. When I went to my first al-anon meeting, I was looking for a way to cure my husband's addiction. When I got there and heard them talking about how they were living their lives in spite of and around their A's, I thought, hey, this isn't the place for me, they're not telling me what I want to hear. So I left and didn't go back for 3 years.

However, it got to the point where I was driving myself nuts trying to control my husband's addiction. I had to realize I was powerless and that there was nothing I could do to get my husband clean. So I came to these boards and went back to al-anon, this time looking for a way to save myself.

Your recovery is hard enough without you having to deal with and feel responsible for your husband's turmoil. The best way for him to help you is to take care of himself so you can take care of yourself. But just as you had to hit your bottom before you found recovery, he has to do the same thing. No one can do your recovery for you, so other than being supportive of your efforts, there's not much more for him to do. He's absolutely right, al-anon is a self-help group, and hopefully one day soon he'll realize it's exactly what he needs.

Hugs,
JG

NoDoubt

AlAnon seems to help me at times.

I have only gone a few times so far. But, what I've learned is to listen and take only what I need. Some people are there just to vent (or so it seems) and I'm not sure if they currently have an alcoholic in the lives. The others appear to have been where I am now or are there right now themselves.

I find that it just helps to talk to others who really can understand.

Tell him to try another meeting. Maybe at a different location/different group. And go back a few times. Give it a chance. Hey, what can it hurt?

And, Please take care of yourself.

NoDoubt

marilyn s

Thank you NoDoubt and journeygal for your replies. I think my husband has learned not to try to control my recovery program.
I think he would just like to find some meetings where he can get good information-feedback for his feelings and concerns.
As you said NoDoubt, to him it seems there's a lot people at the meetings that don't seem to currently have an alcoholic in their life, or if they do they're not talking about that part of their lives. He says there's a lot of really depressed people there. He's tried three different meetings so far. I'm going to go with him to one Sunday evening. We alcoholics may be a pain to live with, but if any of you have gone to AA meetings you know that alcoholics in recovery are some of the most loving, big hearted, interesting people you'd ever want to meet. Once in a while I'll walk into a meeting I haven't been to before, and want to turn around and run out because there's a room full of some pretty motley looking people that look like they just got out of prison, but they turn out to be the nicest people in the world. I find I'm most comfortable with the women's groups, but I wouldn't miss the mixed meetings with the colorful ones for anything. God love all of you people in al-anon, it's great you hang in there for your loved ones.

Gabe

Sometimes it takes a while for people to find a group they are comfortable with. And that is a MUST for a recovery program to work. And I agree with your comment. Some of the best, funniest, most big hearted and intelligent people I know are recovering alcoholics. I try to remember to count Bill Wilson in my thank-you prayers because some of the best people I know I've met as a result of the AA/Alanon/Alateen family groups.
Peace,
Gabe

NoDoubt

My husband has just begun recovery and has been looking for an AA meeting. Looked online and saw there are open meetings - that is for alcoholics as well as the public. Maybe both of you going to an open meeting is a good idea. He can then try to hook up with others - possibly find an Alanon meeting for himself through there (Just a suggestion).

I agree about the big hearts. My husband is the greatest person I know. When he drinks he is completely different!! He has now been sober for a week (which isn't always difficult as he binge drinks and can commonly go for a week or more without a drink). He has been in good spirits and actually referred to himself as an 'alcoholic' today. I am so glad he is back. I hope he is here to stay.

Marilyn - Please stay - for yourself, your husband and for everyone that loves you. (but mostly for yourself).

NoDoubt