mallowcup

People find a way to fit into screwed up families, each taking on whatever persona it takes to get by and fit in. In order to become the best you can be, you must realize that you can only change you, your actions and your reactions. If you conclude everyone elses shortcomings and see patterns of dysfunction, it may be a good idea to see how sad it is that they will never be who they were meant to be. My grandmother was very easily agitated. She was a very jealous person. She had some money and some very valuable property which she used as bait. My mother, her daughter, has never told any of her kids that she loves them or hugged them. Never. My mother is extremely manipulative favoring whoever is most willing to be in servitude to her. She couldn't realy care less about her daughters but does nto miss a shot at driving a wedage in my brothers love lives. She competes with my sister-in-laws. There is usually a penalty such as being nudged out of the pack if you deviate from your "role". Most people have been conditioned into their roles. I suppose in some way ot os a survial mode. As an adult woman I now realize my mother is cold because her mothers was cold. My mother dangles carrots because her mother dangled carrots. My grandmothers mother died ten days after she was born. The reasons exist but that doesn't change things. I can pick up the script or I can be the one who breaks the pattern. My husband mother has allowed him to think he was the reason his father walked out when he was 3. She is obnoxious and my husband can't be in the same room with her for 5 minutes before she ticks him off. His mother is a know it all and she isn't that bright. She inherited a bunch of money. She tries to imply that she knows alot about money becasue she aquired some. She didn't earn it and she didn't come by it becasue of some wise investment. It was handed to her. It has taken time for me to add all of this up. They are all as nuts now as they ever were. What's changed is the only thing I could change. Me. If they are the way you say, do you really want to fit in?

embraced2000

the first things i was able to work on after "GETTING IT" in al-anon was my family dynamics with my own adult children, and my mama.

held strong resentments towards my mama for many things. today, i look at her with compassion and love. i've learned not to let her actions eat my lunch, but look at her as a product of her environment, and realize she did the best she knew how to do. it has helped ME.....she will never change, nor does she need to for me to be ok.

that realization was my first awakening as a new al-anonian.

blessings
jeri

CatsTail

Deax,

Doing a fourth step doesn't automatically mean we're going to have to make amends to those who abused us. It can mean we see the truth about what happened and that sometimes there are no amends to make and other times we find we need to make amends to OURSELVES.

The fourth also brings out our conditioned ways of behaving and thinking and shows us our patterns we've carried through life. This empowers us to change the things we can and improve our life.

Ngaire

deax

[QUOTE=dayxday] Hey dayxday. I can't point you to anything written where it says this, I'm pretty new too. But I always thought that this was just an underlying principle that kind of goes hand in hand with keeping the focus on yourself, not blaming other people, minding our own business, etc. It's not to absolve other people of their wrongdoings or pretend they don't exist, but to focus on what we can do in dealing with them as they are, and not get caught up in too many resentments or them geetting 'what they deserve.' That kind of thing.


Nope. And I actually get kind of excited when I think of myself as the one who will break the pattern. It's all just still new to me, and sometimes their ostracizing me gets kinda lonely. It wasn't healthy for me the other way, before I really acknwledged how they are, but it had been all I've known. All of these things are why I think I feel overwhelmed by CHANGE lately. I know that's a good thing.

This is my goal! With my family and with Rich. I dunno who provides the greater challenge, lol...

ngaire, the 4th step I understand pretty much. I think I can do the soul searching bit pretty well, especially now that I understand things more... I am not actually working the steps right now nor do I have a sponsor but I understand that one in theory I think. (I'm going to Confession this Saturday too-- I haven't confessed to a priest since high school!) But I guess it's Step 9 I was thinking of. Actually making amends. We had a Step 9 meeting a while back and I was thinking-- no f'n way am I ready to do this with my family. I can do this with Rich I think, fairly easily, because I see what I did wrong. But my family is... in my blood. I grew up with these people. It's harder.

denny57

Step eight says "became willing" to make amends. It's not the same as making them. Step nine says "wherever possible." I also got caught up in the beginning thinking about who I would make amends to or not. My thinking doesn't work that way anymore. It's a process.

lillamy

Like Denny said -- step 8 says "became willing" and clearly, you're not willing. And that's OK.

The way I've come to understood those two steps, though, is that... it's not about them. You're not making amends to them so that they can take responsibility for themselves. You're doing it because you are taking responsibility for yourself. Kind of like... you go to Al-Anon and work your program whether or not the alcoholic in your life recovers or not. If that makes sense?

I think our families of origin hold a lot of explanations to why we've ended up where we are. My mother was bedridden for my first 4 years of life, and I learned then that I could make her happy or make her sad and I've spend the rest of my life taking responsibility for the feelings of people close to me.

Cut yourself some slack. You're not willing to make amends? Don't. It took me a good six months to even get close to feeling like I might be ready to think of approaching step 2... Let it take its time. When you're ready, you'll know.