I Got My Wish... Now What?

Old 11-13-2006, 01:30 AM
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I Got My Wish... Now What?

Hello
A longtime friend/girlfriend of mine has recently gone into recovery. I have known her for several years, and we tried a relationship many years ago. There was definitely love, but she had many issues that I just could not handle any longer. The long and short - she came from a very abusive background, family members with serious substance abuse problems (leading to two deaths), and she would outright lie and see other people.

I cut her off from contact for several years, hoping she would bottom out. I managed to find her again, about a year ago. She was still the lovely girl I had fallen for years ago. We set about getting to know each other again, but then the cracks appeared. She was still up to some of her old bad habits (drink and coke), had not addressed any issues from her past, and had acquired a fiance that I was only informed of once I had been "hooked" again. Not long after these revelations, it turns out the fiance is a bit of an abusive personality-type (NPD), sending her ego spirally downward and her drinking and substance abuse upward.

I was involved in all of this at a distance for many months, until the fiance did something that most people would call abhorrent. I then became actively involved, sheltering her for nearly a month away from her destructive environment. Now, of course, I understand that she brings a lot of this destruction on herself with her disease and lack of addressing her issues. Therefore, I made the effort to research rehabilitation programs that would cater to her needs (addiction+abuse+co-dependency, etc). One program I found was perfect though expensive, and I presented it to her and intended to pay for it. She was open to it, but she first wanted to tie up her loose ends at home.

You can guess what happens next: more drinking/back to the bad fiance and the up/down cycles again.

This time I stepped away and stayed away for quite some time. I would not longer answer any of her communication efforts. I commited that I would only do such if she would start to work on herself and get rid of some of the bad elements she had picked up along the way. As much as I love her, I was not going down with the ship.

Fast forward to the present: I have learned that following a recent brush with the law (DUI), she has checked herself into the very program I suggested. I am proud of her, as this program is going to change her life - and quite possibly save it. However, it will also break her (temporarily) financially.

I knew long ago getting her to address her issues might force me out of her life so she can start again with no attachments to the past. I love her enough to accept this. However, I naturally have fear in me that I may lose her. My question is this: will her treatment, her dealing with the past and her addictions lead her to push someone away like myself? Keep in mind I have been very supportive of her bettering herself, of her treating her problems. I have taken many of the humiliating lumps she dished out - but never let her take away my dignity. If she became abusive, I shut her out and only let her back in when she was sober and ready to talk about a plan for the better. I know she respects me for this.

Thoughts?
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Old 11-13-2006, 02:17 AM
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Welcome to SR, glad you found us. Read the stickies at the top and be sure to check out the books mentioned under classic reading.

With this disease it is almost impossible to predict anything. That is so hard to accept, but each person is different.
If they are serious about recovery it is a long hard road.
We can only promise to be here, to understand, to listen, encourage you to look after yourself. We have been where you are .

We do have men on here, sometimes several, sometimes not so many.
Keep comeing back, and there will be many more on here to reply when they get up. it is 4:12 AM here USA central time. Again Welcome!
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Old 11-13-2006, 02:52 AM
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When ever recovery comes around trouble with the law, I pause. That doesn't mean it can't be a good incentive. Once people enter into recovery, no matter what their intial intention they may actually use the tools there to start a real recovery program. Life simply couldn't have been very happy for her. I think once alcoholics become bottom feeders they just try to find comfort at the bottom. You keep being you. Consistant, convicted and willing to step away. When and if she gets clean, she will be drawn to you. She won't if you waver. Too many people are willing to change who they are for someone else. She has to make changes that they will talk about in recovery. You can pray for her and encourage her to pray for herself. I admire that you are willing to be in her life an your terms, not hers. This is a bit of an epiphany. We often ask why we stay. Well, your post makes me realize that many of us try to apply all the things that a normal healthy love relationship requires to a relationship that includes addiction. It doesn't work. We know that a normal relationship requires hard work and compromise. In an alcoholic relationship, compromise will be your demise. She is headed in the right direction at the moment. We celebrate the baby steps. It's really up to her.
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Old 11-13-2006, 03:39 AM
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I felt the DUI was just about the best thing that could have happened to her. I knew that she put herself in dangerous situations, and finally getting caught without hurting herself or others was something that I knew would bring on an epiphany for her. Funny thing is, I was told by a third party that she had gotten into "trouble". I said "What, a DUI?" and was immediately asked "How did you know?". Easy. It was inevitable. (By the way, I was 5000 miles away at the time).

So far, so good.

Although the rehabilitation was not court-ordered, she did justify it by saying that it was a pre-emptive move to lessen her punishment come judgment time. There may be some truth to this logic, but knowing this girl and her tough upbringing, it seems to be a way of not having to admit she really wants the help. Her and I have a strange connection (in a good way), so I can see through the self-protecting BS and appreciate the concerted effort to rid herself of her demons.
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Old 11-13-2006, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by WarilyConfident
I am proud of her, as this program is going to change her life - and quite possibly save it.
Welcome to the site WC

I don't know what will or will not change someone else's life. I know that my hope for AH is he get sober, whether I would remain in his life or not (we are divorcing). Anything else would be selfish on my part.

I can only control my own life. Make choices and accept the consequences. It can be hard sometimes, but I learned every single time I tried to manipulate a situation or outcome it was not for my good or anyone else's.

Good luck and keep posting.
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