IrshIzNotSmilin

I don't know if any of you have felt this way and I believe it is a two fold issue. As some of you know I am with my AH and I love him. We were just married in 2005 so it is still new. Yet, I suppose this is part of being a codependent person but I hate being alone. Lately, and I know he is going out to drink and lately I think he is sneaking around a bit with the drinking so as not to upset me. Little does he realize that I have given up with the nagging and pestering. I will no longer do that and al-anon and SR have helped so thanks all. But, I get this terrible sucking lonliness within me. Maybe, it is growth. I do not know. I just feel so out of it. I am really not used to being alone. As an only child of divorced parents i was always attached codependently to my mother and married the first time to a man 20 years my senior, and then left that to this. I think I was seeking a dream and that is now coming into focus understanding that fantasy is not reality. Yet, I am stuck with this loneliness. I don't know if this makes any sense. I am glad I am able to come here and to the on-line al-anon. They do help. I just feel all sorry for myself right now. Thanks for reading.

enabler

Yes, I do know how you feel. Nothing worse than being lonely and surrounded by people. That's exactly how I knew something was wrong in my relationship with my AH. Even when he's around I feel lonely. Should be a red flag in a new relationship. Something is missing. I finally decided the piece I'm missing is the piece of him that he won't allow me to get into. That's the part that makes him drink. I've about decided if I have to be alone and lonely all the time, I can be that way without him.

Hugs to you.....

TexasGirl

Hey there,
I hashed out with my doc the different fears and reasons that kept me in my relationship with AH (at the time). One of the things I told him was that if I thought I was lonely in my relationship with him, then naturally I would be even more so if I were alone. I stated that at least I wasn't completely alone with AH. He told me the following:

When you are living with no one, you expect to come home to an empty place. You expect to make your own plans for the weekend. You expect to rent a movie and curl up on the couch. When you are living with an A, the lonely feeling is much more hurtful because you expect to have a smiling face at home. You expect to discuss what you might like to do for the weekend. You expect to collectively decide what movie to watch. Unless, of course, you learn how to change your expectations.

Although I definitely have my lonely moments now, they are not painful but sad. I think there is a difference. And I expect the sadness to wane over time. I'm not telling you I think you shouldn't be married. I guess I'm just hoping to help you know that you are certainly not alone in those feelings. I remember them as clear as day.

GettingBy

(((((Irish)))))),

I know that feeling, I know it really well. It's awful. It's awful to be at home and to think about my husband being out drinking. My mind is my worst enemy at those moments. I torture myself... just sitting there, picturing him, imagining what he's doing... seeing him out drinking, laughing, having fun... while I'm sitting there at home, miserable. It sucks. The reality is... I'm creating my own pain. I'm robbing myself of my own chance for happiness.

I had to learn how to being happy and enjoy myself without my husband. Find things that I enjoyed doing... and then get doing them so that I wasn't sitting at home, stewing over him being out. To hell with him and his drinking... I was too busy getting busy living my OWN life!

So do you have any hobbies? Things you like to do? Is there a nice coffee shop near you? Grab a book, head out there, and get yourself a nice cappucino! I found that getting out of the house (even if it was to run to the grocery store, cleaners, whatever!) really helped me feel better. It helped me to realize that the world continue doing it's thing, no matter what my husband was doing... and so should I!

So what do you like to do? Do you like to read? How about a pedicure/manicure? How about calling up a long lost girlfriend and going shopping for a new outfit/cool new shoes?

What do you think?
Shannon

GettingBy

Very well said, TG.

Expectations can really get us all in trouble.

denny57

I think it's about awareness and acceptance. Then there's the 3rd A - Action. When I became aware, and saw my life for what it truly was (and I don't mean that in an absolute negative way), I could no longer not do the best for myself without feeling I was letting myself down. That required I take action and sometimes those actions did not fit in with my fantasy. My therapist said once: you can't un-ring the Al-Anon bell. I think that applies to awareness in all areas, too.

IrshIzNotSmilin

You are all such great people and I thank you from my heart.

FriendofBill

i was always attached codependently to my mother


and so was I.................


The lonliness is a result of his not being "there" to fulfill you, or me,let me speak for me, not you.

I always sought out others to fulfill me, not knowing that was my addiction. Another human does not have the capacity to fill me with self esteem and self worth...that came when I surrendered and admitting I was a people addict and turned to a higher power to fulfill me.

That aching hole inthe middle of my soul is not meant to be filled with an attachment to a mate....only the higher power can do that. I found him, it, thru working the 12 steps.

I hope you will too. Good luck.

emily33

Thank you I needed to read this to remind myself of why I am doing what I am doing

Cynay

Im a person that is very content to be at home alone all day puttering....

But being lonely is another thing. I know this probably sounds weird, but when I start to feel like that I ask God to fill me with the holy spirit... Seems to work most times for me.

Like I said Im weird... but I also have conversations with my 7 year old inner child lately... maybe bake cookies and give them to the neighbor, or chew gum and snap it (dont know why I get a kick out of that) or blow a bubble inside a bubble... Dumb stuff that I would have to be alone to do cuz I would be too embarrased if another person was there..... when I do that Im grateful Im alone.

deax

That's my #1 favorite cheer-me-up, personally.

Irish-- codependent and enmeshed relationships with mothers-- I'm an expert on that one! You're definitely not alone there.... It's good that you've become aware of it. My ex and Al Anon made me realize that my family is where my tendencies toward enmeshment were born too. Very unhealthy, and very hard to overcome. I'm all but ostracized from my family these days. I'm thinking of volunteering at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving to avoid being with them the whole day. They don't make me feel good about myself and they're not an exception to the taking care of myself rule.

In terms of the being alone thing, my mom and one of my best friends are like this. They can't be alone or have too much down time. All my life when I would go out my mom would be sure not to be home when I got home, so that I'd get there first. I think she was half avoiding being alone and half competing with me. That's gone on since I was young, and it's made me hypersensitive to not being like this. I'm a lot like Cynay, I can enjoy down time and being by myself. Feeling lonely and bored sometimes is perfectly normal, but on the times when being alone in itself makes me uncomfortable, I try to think of my mom and my friend and figure out what's really going on.