Trouble Accepting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Corning, CA
Posts: 6
Trouble Accepting
My husband drinks 1/2 gallon of wine in 2-3 hours. I think he is considered a binge drinker since he does it 2-3 times per week.
The other day we were to go to dinner and I asked him nicely if he could just drink half the bottle instead of the whole thing. He put his arms around me and said he would. Turned out he drank the whole bottle.
I asked him that evening why he told me he would do as I had asked. He said he wanted to get me off his back in a very nasty way. At that time I told him I don't care anymore. If he wants to destroy himself, I would help him, that he can drink as much as he wants and I will give him the money to do it.
When he drinks he gets very bossy and noticed he is having blackouts. He doesn't remember things we did the next day. He also stumbles and falls.
In my mind now I think of him as being terminally ill. Got to the point now if he wants to destroy himself, hope it won't take too long.
I can't afford to leave. I am 62 and have to much invested in this marriage.
He is a very miserable angry person. Claims it has to do with his miserable childhood.
Tells me he likes to drink because it helps him relax
I sometimes feel I don't have the strength to continue with this.
So glad to have found this group.
The other day we were to go to dinner and I asked him nicely if he could just drink half the bottle instead of the whole thing. He put his arms around me and said he would. Turned out he drank the whole bottle.
I asked him that evening why he told me he would do as I had asked. He said he wanted to get me off his back in a very nasty way. At that time I told him I don't care anymore. If he wants to destroy himself, I would help him, that he can drink as much as he wants and I will give him the money to do it.
When he drinks he gets very bossy and noticed he is having blackouts. He doesn't remember things we did the next day. He also stumbles and falls.
In my mind now I think of him as being terminally ill. Got to the point now if he wants to destroy himself, hope it won't take too long.
I can't afford to leave. I am 62 and have to much invested in this marriage.
He is a very miserable angry person. Claims it has to do with his miserable childhood.
Tells me he likes to drink because it helps him relax
I sometimes feel I don't have the strength to continue with this.
So glad to have found this group.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome and I'm glad you found us. Read the stickies at the top of the board. Your husband is doing what addicts do. I've learned that lying is just part and parcel with the disease. It is a disease of denial. I live with an A who will say anything to get me off his back too. Then he proceeds to do precisely what he wishes.
When I still stand back from time to time and see the lunacy that goes on in this house I tell myself, "A tiger, is a tiger is a tiger. It will NEVER be a leopard." An addict does precisely what your husband does. To expect him to do otherwise only ends up frustrating you. I'm afraid you will never get a particularly rational answer, or an answer that deals with taking responsibility for one's own actions, from an addict.
When I still stand back from time to time and see the lunacy that goes on in this house I tell myself, "A tiger, is a tiger is a tiger. It will NEVER be a leopard." An addict does precisely what your husband does. To expect him to do otherwise only ends up frustrating you. I'm afraid you will never get a particularly rational answer, or an answer that deals with taking responsibility for one's own actions, from an addict.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi deltamist
they will blame it on anyone or anything except themselves.
alcoholism is a disease, and it should be the most easily treatable disease....just stop drinking. who knows why they do what they do.
but it seems they all do the same thing, which baffles me.
you have found a wonderful place.....and we're glad we found you, too.
keep coming back
blessings
jeri
they will blame it on anyone or anything except themselves.
alcoholism is a disease, and it should be the most easily treatable disease....just stop drinking. who knows why they do what they do.
but it seems they all do the same thing, which baffles me.
you have found a wonderful place.....and we're glad we found you, too.
keep coming back
blessings
jeri
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Hello deltamist and welcome. This is a great outlet and as you read through various posts and responses you will feel less alone. Being that you are in a position to not leave, I have been advised here to seek meetings with al-anon groups either on-line or face to face in your community. Why not? If there is no other way to feel a release of the pain. You have invested in your marriage as we all have and that is very hard. Whatever is your AH's issues they are his...and you have yours so keep posting and reading. My opinion do not let anger dictate your actions with him take a breath and by no means help him with his addiction. Your words will mean nothing to him when he is in this state. As I have posted before and do this with my AH do not ever discuss the issues that bother you when he is drinking they are unreasonable at that point and can do no good. Welcome. Irsh
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: KeepentheZOO
Posts: 5
I like you feel as though my husband is destroying himself. The big problem is they take us down with them. I went through a divorce as a young woman I had two small children and a cheating husband. I left so fast my feet did not touch the ground. I had no education to speak off, no family in the area,but I left anyway. The thought of my husband with someone else made me crazy. I stayed single for 10 years. Don't know how I did not know this man was such an alcoholic but I didn't. As the years passed the kids grew and went away and he drank more and more. He became more misrable with each passing day I swear. Everything I liked he hated. I tried for years to find out WHY he drank so much, but as you said it was always someone else's fault.
Then I got Breast Cancer and through it all I was alone it hurt so bad to watch all the other women with the support of their spouses and I had no one. I even said to him you can not drink while I am on Chemo as if my temp spikes you will have to take me to the E-R. Do you think he even slowed down? No! One night I had to go to the E-R and I had to call my brother to take me. That was the night I decided he loved his bottle the best and nothing will change. He will not leave and at my age I am not leaving the little security I do have. I love my country home and I am a Survivor!
Good Luck to us both
Irene
Then I got Breast Cancer and through it all I was alone it hurt so bad to watch all the other women with the support of their spouses and I had no one. I even said to him you can not drink while I am on Chemo as if my temp spikes you will have to take me to the E-R. Do you think he even slowed down? No! One night I had to go to the E-R and I had to call my brother to take me. That was the night I decided he loved his bottle the best and nothing will change. He will not leave and at my age I am not leaving the little security I do have. I love my country home and I am a Survivor!
Good Luck to us both
Irene
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I had to drive myself to the hospital when I went into early labor. Why? Because he was just too nervous and had to drink before we left. I was on bedrest, in the hospital from week 30. At 31.5 weeks, they couldn't get contractions to stop...so in the middle of the night, had to call AH six times before he even heard the phone, he was clearly drunk when arriving at hospital (5 mins before son was born) and left many times throughout the day to go to his car (to drink more)......
Other than a diff reason that I was in hospital, our stories are identical....
congrats on being a survivor! My MIL is also a survivor, but she is completely oblivious to her son's (my AH) drinking problem.
Don't know how I did not know this man was such an alcoholic but I didn't.
congrats on being a survivor! My MIL is also a survivor, but she is completely oblivious to her son's (my AH) drinking problem.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 39
Wow ladies, I can't understand why alcohol is so available in society...it ruins SO MANY lives. My man has just died, and like Irene2, I had no idea he was an alcoholic. We're all devastated, but in slightly different ways, but all due to alcohol...this easily obtainable, socially accepted product that causes such pain.
I'm new here (1 week) but am now determined past events will not ruin the rest of my life.
Tomorrow is the 1st day of the rest of our lives...let's use it.
...and then you feel down again, and dark and alone and so lonely. I loved my man so much, he never hurt me in any way, how lucky compared to poor deltamist...but you're not too old to enjoy the rest of your life...and it sounds as though you deserve something for yourself.
I sob and struggle holding down my job at the mo, I'm so full of grief and questions. Why didn't he help himself? Why didn't he tell me? I'll never be able to ask him why.
SR is helping a lot, hearing others.
Hang in there girls, we are worth it. MLALOK Much Love And Lots Of Kisses x
I'm new here (1 week) but am now determined past events will not ruin the rest of my life.
Tomorrow is the 1st day of the rest of our lives...let's use it.
...and then you feel down again, and dark and alone and so lonely. I loved my man so much, he never hurt me in any way, how lucky compared to poor deltamist...but you're not too old to enjoy the rest of your life...and it sounds as though you deserve something for yourself.
I sob and struggle holding down my job at the mo, I'm so full of grief and questions. Why didn't he help himself? Why didn't he tell me? I'll never be able to ask him why.
SR is helping a lot, hearing others.
Hang in there girls, we are worth it. MLALOK Much Love And Lots Of Kisses x
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
[QUOTE=HolyQow]I had to drive myself to the hospital when I went into early labor. Why? Because he was just too nervous and had to drink before we left. I was on bedrest, in the hospital from week 30. At 31.5 weeks, they couldn't get contractions to stop...so in the middle of the night, had to call AH six times before he even heard the phone, he was clearly drunk when arriving at hospital (5 mins before son was born) and left many times throughout the day to go to his car (to drink more)......
Hello Again Deltamist, not trying to hijack here but HolyQow guess what... In May I lost a baby had to have a D&C because I was not going to miscarry it seemed to the doc. Anyway, he would not drive me for the surgery. WHAT!
Right and so I got a limo and they drove me of course he paid for it. Then, i shamed him for sure. Made arrangements for his cousin a woman to pick me up and guess what? He showed when I was coming out of surgery and was in recovery. He truly couldn't face it. yet, i didn't forget and that to me was no excuse. I hear ya. hang in all.
Hello Again Deltamist, not trying to hijack here but HolyQow guess what... In May I lost a baby had to have a D&C because I was not going to miscarry it seemed to the doc. Anyway, he would not drive me for the surgery. WHAT!
Right and so I got a limo and they drove me of course he paid for it. Then, i shamed him for sure. Made arrangements for his cousin a woman to pick me up and guess what? He showed when I was coming out of surgery and was in recovery. He truly couldn't face it. yet, i didn't forget and that to me was no excuse. I hear ya. hang in all. Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
A's don't take care of themselves, so I have no expectations any longer of my AH taking care of me. I had orthoscopic surgery on BOTH my knees. He passed out drunk on the floor the evening he brought me home. I could not walk. I had to use the bathroom. I ended up literally dragging myself across the floor to the bathroom. Kinda difficult to pull yourself up on a toilet when your knees are trashed. I didn't realize how strong my arms were because somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to pull myself up.
My cuz drove over from Delaware the next morning to take care of me. Addicts spend their time killing themselves and destroying their health so we can't expect them to be of any good to us when we're sick and in need.
My cuz drove over from Delaware the next morning to take care of me. Addicts spend their time killing themselves and destroying their health so we can't expect them to be of any good to us when we're sick and in need.
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