FormerDoormat

So sorry for your loss MLALOK.

FriendofBill

Hi Mlalok-

Its no different if someone has another diseae....you may see inflamation, weakness, fatigue, limpinge etc..we never associate the symptoms as being a part of a major disease...due to denial.

Especially with addicition, they are so good at hiding it, its just part of thier disease to minimize the symptoms, and so we believe its "not that bad".

Its takes years and years to break denial sometimes. Dont beat yourself up, even if you did spot it from day one, you still didnt have any power to get him sober. None.

If one good thing came out of his loss, its that you became aware, and are here, and can now heal with people who care and understand. You are not alone!!

mazey

Sorry for your loss, it is so painful to lose one we love. And, you have extra thoughts attatched now. DO NOT FEEL like you may have done something to change the course, notta! Read here, and see that it is completely out of our control.

MLALOK

Queentree suggested I look at the sticky 'under the influence' but where is it please?
I've decided to go for counselling about his alcoholism and dying, before I get addicted myself,..to this site!
Think it'd help to talk and talk, and I can't do that at mo, as his kids have asked we keep it quiet. They are so ashamed, poor things.
I feel so sad and lost.

denny57

"under the influence" is a book. explains what happens physiologically to an alcoholic when he/she drinks.

notsleepingwell

((((((MLALOK))))))
Welcome to SR!!! I'm soooo glad you found us!! So sorry for your loss. There is a book called "Embraced by the Light", very comforting, a few years old now, so hope you can find it. Helps a little with the grief!
Once again welcome
P.S. Sticky's are the topics at the top of the forums....

Janitw

MLALOK - Welcome here to SR. I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years and even though the kids and I saw all of the signs my XAH refused help or any kind of treatment. He is still very deep in denial and the only one who can help him is himself now. Even though he divorced me for a female drug/alcoholic it doesn't mean that I don't love him. This disease is insidious and is a family destroyer. My heart goes out to you and his children - tell his children to stay strong and don't be ashamed of their father - we are all only human and all have weaknesses. He just chose to hide his. Bless his heart.

Hugs to you and yours.

Janit

MLALOK

Thanks Denny, I'll see if I can find it. Think it may be useful. I'm trying to sort in my head, when was he drinking, when I was there??? Do they all fall into similar patterns of need at a certain time of the day? I suspect he was lunchtime and after work each evening. Do they get to need the alc at the same time, a bit like food? Why did nothing show when he had blood tests a couple of months before he died. I remember now he was SO relieved these blood tests came back ok, or at least that's what he told me, I'm wondering if that was true now, but he did seem genuinely pleased at the time.

MLALOK

Thanks janitw. The thing is, I think he did try to tell me, but I never picked up on it properly. Maybe that would have got him to open up and come clean and therefore seek proper help. If only I had one chance at trying to help him seek what he needed. He was always a truly kind, loving man, and I never saw anything else, and I'd known him for 10 years, and we'd been together for 3. And yet I've found out he was struggling in his work - things had got chaotic, and behaving inappropriately in meetings (swearing a lot etc) so maybe it was only a matter of time before I would have realised.
Poor you, with your situation too. It's a vicious thing isn't it.

MLALOK

Does anyone know the author of "under the influence" please?

JessicaNAJ

I'm sorry for your loss MLALOK

JessicaNAJ

Please don't beat yourself up over this....if he truly wanted help, he could have sought it out on his own. The hardest think we all have to learn is .... there is nothing we can do other than be supportive when/if they do decide to get help.

MLALOK

All this s..t, and I miss his lovely arms around me so much. Strange thing is, I never felt so complete in my life than when I was in his arms. Best place in the world. Ironic or what. And I've always prided myself on being a good judge of character, HA.

denny57

Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism
by James Robert Milam, Katherine Ketcham

A lot of the questions you're asking will be answered here. It's not the bible of alcoholism, for sure, but it does a good job.

Sometimes blood work will come back normal because specific tests were not ordered. A doctor has to suspect alcohol abuse before ordering liver enzyme tests. Unfortunately, a doctor will only usually order that if a patient is honest about his/her alcohol consumption (or exhibits signs of alcoholism).

Good luck and keep posting. Happy to hear you are getting proactive on this - I hope and believe it will really help!

Take care.

denny57

I'm sure he was a lovely man of high character. He had a disease.

JMHO.

MLALOK

Thanks so much Denny. Am wondering what JMHO is...?

denny57

Just my humble opinion

queenteree

The excerpts from Under the Infuence are in the alcoholism section of soberrecovery.com. It's under the sticky saying "excerpts from under the influence". It is very informative. Much hugs to you MLALOK. I hope you find the answers to whatever you are seeking.

scared and sad

My thoughts are with you.

MLALOK

Wow!! Found the sticky you recommended, and how useful...so much info there. I've read it and re read it, and will no doubt do so again tonight.
Is anyone else shocked when they 1st come here, to discover just how many people are suffering, because of the horrific effects alcohol can cause.
I still have a million questions about my dead alc man, and I'll never know the answers to some, and I'll just have to learn to live with that, but what surprises me is how the alcoholic him/herself feels such torment and pain, I'd never considered that.
There hasn't been a single thread (and I've read many in the last 2 weeks!) that hasn't touched me, where my heart hasn't gone out to someone, be it alcoholic or someone suffering because their loved one is an alc.
I'm just amazed at the PAIN caused by something so readily available everywhere, in our warped society.
There are some wonderful, thoughtful, kind people who've posted to me, or that I've read, and I'm so grateful for your words.
Please please please, ALL OF YOU, look after yourselves. Don't be victims.