When to say when???
 

How do I know when to say when? I am a mother of 3 boys 8, 10, and 12 and their father (who I divorced 6 years ago) is drinking again after not drinking for 5 years. At this point, it is worse than ever before or maybe I am just more tired of it than I was when I was younger and my kids were younger. I am going to school full time for my RN and working 40 hours a week 2nd shift. I don't get off until 11 pm. My A is not coming home from work and going straight to the bar 3 or 4 times a week. He never does it on the nights that I am off. But, he is not there to help the kids with homework, make sure that they bathe, fix supper for them, get them to practices or school fuctions. I have tried every approach that I know to make him understand what he is doing to our family but it seems like every time I open my mouth, I make it worse. I think that it hurts more now because we have had a pretty normal family life for the past 5 years. He cheated on me in the past but I don't even think that is the case now, just the alcohol. I want to leave but I know that he will still try to call me late at night or come to my house. He doesn't want to be with me but he doesn't want to leave me alone either. Then, I worry about the kids having to deal with the emotions that come from dad not coming when he said he would, not coming at all, showing up drunk or leaving them alone on his weekends while he goes to the bar. I need some advice from people who have been through it because my family sometimes pushes their ideas and anger on me and lord knows, I don't need any help in the anger department right now. I think I will have to drop out of school this semester just to make a more stable life for my kids. I welcome anyone's comments.

I'm confused are you divorced but still living together?

Well, I completely understand your worries when it comes to your kids, but well, maybe there are other things to look at as well.

But see, all that will go on whether or not you stay together. You said that he doesn't come home now, he goes out to the bar.....he not where he should be now, and they, your boys, still have to deal with that plus the emotions of seeing their father drunk night after night anyway.

If he's been sober for five years and went back to drinking now and talking to him doesn't help, but makes it worse....I'd say that the choces are yours......do you want to live this way? So you want you boys being influenced this way? You have one that is coming up into that very fragile age group where they are faced with these decisions of drinking and drugs. It's just something to think about.

AS far as him calling you up in the middle of the night or coming over all the time....only you can allow him in or keep him out.

Have you ever been to alanon? If not, you might want to check it out. It's a start anyway, in learning how not to get caught up in the A's disease.

Welcome to this forum, glad to have you.

I'm confused too...
 

Are you living with your former husband whom you divorced or is he a custodial parent who should be there for your children when you're working? Do you have any idea why he started drinking again? Not that it matters .... if he's drinking, he's drinking. However, if you two are living together or sharing joint custody, you may need to know his motivation to some degree.

I wouldn't want someone like this attempting to care for my kids. Do you have other family members or close friends who are reliable and can care for your children while you are at work?

fedup - what really would change if you left him or not? You are basically a single parent from what I am reading anyways. You take care of things with little to no help from him anyways. So, I guess I'm rather confused as to why you really stay - I mean, what is it that you are getting out of the relationship?
As far as kids go - are they happy now? Do they like never seeing him now? What are they getting and learning from the situation now?