Please Welcome Uhanekai
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Please Welcome Uhanekai
I'm new here *hello* 
I've been with my ABF now for a year and a half now, but feels like 5. We moved in together last fall. We've been through a lot, and pregressively have noticed that he is truly an AH. He's admitted it- blaming the industry he works in (restaurant/bartending) but that is the only way he can support his 2 girls (who have now moved away for the 2nd time), and that his parents divorced when he was 14 and just cut loose after that. Also, that his dad introduced him to it by getting him wasted on his 21st bday.
He lies to me constantly or says he'll be home at a certain time, then I don't see/hear from him- I try calling him (which I don't know why I bother because he doesn't answer) then he doesn't lie about it, per say- just beats around the bush or doesn't tell the whole truth. I can see right through him and he knows that- but he still does it- just to get in a few drinks. I ALWAYS know when he is somewhere he doesn't want me to know about. He also uses the excuse that he just tends to change his mind at the last minute....of course I tell him that if he does, it's very easy to pick up the phone and call me.
And, yes, at first I suspected he was cheating on me- but as time went on, I realllllly observed his ways and habits with and without me. How whenever we go out, he has to have a drink in his hand.
Basically what I have observed and learned of him (as many alcoholics):
- He is drinking when he is running late or I can't get a hold of him
- He promises to cut back/quit/go to al-anon but I know he won't until he's ready (if he's ever ready)
- He makes drinking a priority over everything, even if he doesn't realize it
- He is scared to fall completely, that's why he hasn't left me when he's said he would
- He feels alone, therefore drinks and tries to fit in to have a good time
- He feels like a failured father, and feels abandoned by his parents because of the divorce, so he drowns his sorrows in alcohol
- His love for me is true, but it's muddled and fuzzy because of his addiction
- I've done all I can do, it's in his hands
- I need to encourage and support him in not drinking, not ridicule or get mad at him drinking
- I need to detach myself some, focus more on myself, watch his reaction on that one, cuz I know he doesn't like it just like I don't
It's hard to do or realize some of those things, but I need to in order for myself to be happy.
I've been with my ABF now for a year and a half now, but feels like 5. We moved in together last fall. We've been through a lot, and pregressively have noticed that he is truly an AH. He's admitted it- blaming the industry he works in (restaurant/bartending) but that is the only way he can support his 2 girls (who have now moved away for the 2nd time), and that his parents divorced when he was 14 and just cut loose after that. Also, that his dad introduced him to it by getting him wasted on his 21st bday.He lies to me constantly or says he'll be home at a certain time, then I don't see/hear from him- I try calling him (which I don't know why I bother because he doesn't answer) then he doesn't lie about it, per say- just beats around the bush or doesn't tell the whole truth. I can see right through him and he knows that- but he still does it- just to get in a few drinks. I ALWAYS know when he is somewhere he doesn't want me to know about. He also uses the excuse that he just tends to change his mind at the last minute....of course I tell him that if he does, it's very easy to pick up the phone and call me.
And, yes, at first I suspected he was cheating on me- but as time went on, I realllllly observed his ways and habits with and without me. How whenever we go out, he has to have a drink in his hand.
Basically what I have observed and learned of him (as many alcoholics):
- He is drinking when he is running late or I can't get a hold of him
- He promises to cut back/quit/go to al-anon but I know he won't until he's ready (if he's ever ready)
- He makes drinking a priority over everything, even if he doesn't realize it
- He is scared to fall completely, that's why he hasn't left me when he's said he would
- He feels alone, therefore drinks and tries to fit in to have a good time
- He feels like a failured father, and feels abandoned by his parents because of the divorce, so he drowns his sorrows in alcohol
- His love for me is true, but it's muddled and fuzzy because of his addiction
- I've done all I can do, it's in his hands
- I need to encourage and support him in not drinking, not ridicule or get mad at him drinking
- I need to detach myself some, focus more on myself, watch his reaction on that one, cuz I know he doesn't like it just like I don't
It's hard to do or realize some of those things, but I need to in order for myself to be happy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You don't need to watch his reactions. You don't need to do a doggone thing. Please note the word "need" here. It's not a matter of want, it is a matter of NEED. This is about YOU. Please don't get me wrong, because I feel your pain and I've lived with it. But what you have posted is about your perceptions, what you feel you need to do. And right now your focus is on him.
Let me put it this way: a tiger is a tiger is a tiger. It will never be a leopard with spots. It is a tiger. He is doing what addicts do. They manipulate, lie, cheat, steal, and are willing to die for a drink because they are dying for a drink. That is the focus of his attention. Not you, not their family, not their friends, it is the drink.
Do you think he is considering you? Do you think he is focused on you and what your needs are that will make you feel happy and content? Hell, no. This is a disease and it is a disease of self-absorption. Does that mean he's an evil, cruel human? Nope. It means the substance he abuses will turn him into an abusive, downright mean human being.
The only way I have been able to maintain a modicum of sanity is to love myself more, hate him less (but not his disease), and feel a sense of self-compassion for myself and for a sick human being. You will end up physically and emotionally ill if you try to look after him and his "needs."
Please take a moment to love yourself for the unique, wonderful human being you are. You deserve hapiness. But understand that you cannot gain that hapiness by trying to make him reform. Only he can do that. As corney as this may sound - and I can tell you are distressed - give yourself a hug and go look in the mirror and tell yourself you love YOU.
Let me put it this way: a tiger is a tiger is a tiger. It will never be a leopard with spots. It is a tiger. He is doing what addicts do. They manipulate, lie, cheat, steal, and are willing to die for a drink because they are dying for a drink. That is the focus of his attention. Not you, not their family, not their friends, it is the drink.
Do you think he is considering you? Do you think he is focused on you and what your needs are that will make you feel happy and content? Hell, no. This is a disease and it is a disease of self-absorption. Does that mean he's an evil, cruel human? Nope. It means the substance he abuses will turn him into an abusive, downright mean human being.
The only way I have been able to maintain a modicum of sanity is to love myself more, hate him less (but not his disease), and feel a sense of self-compassion for myself and for a sick human being. You will end up physically and emotionally ill if you try to look after him and his "needs."
Please take a moment to love yourself for the unique, wonderful human being you are. You deserve hapiness. But understand that you cannot gain that hapiness by trying to make him reform. Only he can do that. As corney as this may sound - and I can tell you are distressed - give yourself a hug and go look in the mirror and tell yourself you love YOU.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome to SR Uhanekai, glad you're here
Have you considered Al-Anon for you?
I also used to come up with all the reasons AH drank. You know what? I didn't have the easiest childhood or life, either, but I'm not alcoholic and don't use alcohol to numb my pain. Sharing life with AH I did start self medicating with food and put on 50 pounds. I realized - well, my doctor told me - that I was slowly killing myself with this unhealthy behavior and decided to do something about it. Down 43 and those last 7 are stubborn as all get out.
It's a bit different for the alcoholic, because there is a physical addiction, but the mindset is the same - deciding I was worth it and getting into recovery. Everyone has that choice, no matter their past, present or future.
Take care of you and everything else will fall into place.
Keep coming back!
Have you considered Al-Anon for you?
I also used to come up with all the reasons AH drank. You know what? I didn't have the easiest childhood or life, either, but I'm not alcoholic and don't use alcohol to numb my pain. Sharing life with AH I did start self medicating with food and put on 50 pounds. I realized - well, my doctor told me - that I was slowly killing myself with this unhealthy behavior and decided to do something about it. Down 43 and those last 7 are stubborn as all get out.
It's a bit different for the alcoholic, because there is a physical addiction, but the mindset is the same - deciding I was worth it and getting into recovery. Everyone has that choice, no matter their past, present or future.
Take care of you and everything else will fall into place.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
good morning uhanekai and welcome aboard !
this is a great place to be if your in pain, confusion, hysterics, joy, befuddlement, bliss, exasperation, feeling good, feeling funky, have questions, rant and rave, laugh hysterically, smile, cry, or just want to not feel so alone in your own turmoil.
in other words.....glad you found this place....keep coming in every day. we are all either living in, have lived in, or lived through what you are experiencing.......you are not alone anymore.
have a great day
blessings
jeri
this is a great place to be if your in pain, confusion, hysterics, joy, befuddlement, bliss, exasperation, feeling good, feeling funky, have questions, rant and rave, laugh hysterically, smile, cry, or just want to not feel so alone in your own turmoil.
in other words.....glad you found this place....keep coming in every day. we are all either living in, have lived in, or lived through what you are experiencing.......you are not alone anymore.
have a great day
blessings
jeri
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Welcome to the board, Uhanekai! WE all have experiences of being so enmeshed in the lives of our alcoholic partners, watching their reactions, keeping track of their drinks, worrying about their feelings that we lose ourselves in the process. I understand your frustration completely, but what really jumps out at me is your "I need" statements. I LOVE the way Prodigal put it--"you don't need to watch his reactions, you don't need to do a doggone thing". If your ABF decides his drinking is problematic, then he will do something to address it. Until then, you will drive yourself into madness trying to save him. Let him do his thing--it's tough--and pay attention to you, your feelings, your needs, your interests. Like Prodigal said, alcoholism is a disease of self-absorption, which means that your ABF will either not notice your efforts at all or resent you for nagging him and use it as an excuse to drink more.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
