Rome

Hello,is my first time here...sorry for my english..I am italian and I moved to USA 4 years ago so writing is still a challenge! I met my husband 15 years ago..I was in vacation he was a lifeguard at the beach where I used to go!I really, really love him like the first day, we have a beautiful daughter..He was always drinking..I hate any type of alchool! 3 months ago he decided to join AA..got himsel a 29 years old female sponsor/consulor and know he is telling me that he doesn't love me anymore but he doesn't want to leave the house..I really don't know what to do..I don't know if this is part of his recovery and I shoul stay calm and wait or if I should pack my staff and go back to Italy..Help
Ciao Margie

StandingStrong

Hello Margot, and welcome to Sober Recovery! I am very happy to see you posting here on the open board. There are many wonderful members here that have gone through similar situations as you that hopefully will post soon!
I just wanted to give you a public welcome! And tell you that I am proud of you for being here and being brave enough to post! I also want to encourage you to keep posting!
I'm glad you are here!

denny57

hi margot - welcome to SR

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't have experience with a spouse in recovery, but my understanding of AA is males sponsors males and females sponsor females. Have you thought of going to Al-Anon? There are great people there who could be a source of strength for you; one meeting in my area is even devoted to those with an addict in recovery.

Please keep posting - it's a confusing and difficult time - here you'll find some great support.

Keep coming back!

p.s. Where are you from in Italy? I have relatives there I go to visit every year. Also, when I first moved to California I lived in Newport Beach.

cagefree

(((margot))) I can't answer your questions, because I'm too busy beating my own head against a wall.

I can tell you that I come here every evening and it helps me get to sleep. I'll pass along what was first said to me in al-anon...keep coming back...glad you're here!

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... We are so glad you decided to post. I went to Italy last summer and it was an amazing country.

It is also my understanding that Men Sponsor Men and Women sponsor Women. The reasons for this are because of what your going though... When someone comes into the program they are in alot of pain and emotions can easily grow and things like this happen. Also I understand that part of the recovery is no big life changes in the first year..... That would include divorce.

Now I can tell you what happened to me. My ex-abf went into AA and within 1 1/2 months he came home to tell me he was not in love with me too.... seems he was seeing a women in his meeting that "understood" him. We ended up ending our relationship but I know that later in his recovery the relationship did not work out and they had a rough row of it.

Keep coming back and posting, I also suggest and al-anon meeting to help you with recovery and support you. I look forward to getting to know you.

Janitw

Welcome Margot - ((((((((hugs))))))))) I don't have much to add that the others haven't already said but my ex-alcoholic husband went into rehab only once in our 22 year marriage way back in 1986 and this was for a dui charge. He came out of it with nothing but a burning desire to drink some more. He didn't have an affair or anything that I knew of but he did tell me of someone who was in his group. They call this the 13th step. And it is frowned upon especially I would think if she is his sponsor. Yep - I'd have a huge problem with it...just remember the 3 c's hun:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

He has to want it for himself and that includes keeping his family together. His relationship with this other woman won't last because the foundation just isn't there. Almost all rehab relationships fail within the 1st year. There have been a few that lasted longer but very very few. Stay the course and give him his space if you can stand it. You said he wants to stay with you but he doesn't love you anymore? Well why does he want to stay with you if he doesn't love you? Find out why. Good luck honey..

Janit

faith123

A friend said her husband told her, after he had gotten out of rehab, that he had fallen out of love with her. He was confused about what he really wanted. She had already put up with 18 years of his addiction. She was hurt, but she didn't give up on him. They are still together, and it's gradually getting better.

Addicts seem to be hung up on this "you can't understand because you haven't been there." I told mine tonight that he doesn't understand my side, either. He pawned and traded everything that wasn't tied down for dope. There are two sides to every story. Your guy is still in recovery. It takes a long time for both of you. I agree with the others. This little fling probably won't last, and he may eventually come to his senses. Why not try "letting go" and see what path he takes.

It would be great if we could wave a magic wand, and everything would be back to normal. Unfortunately, we have to give wounds time to heal. Patience is very important in recovery.

Find Al-Anon meetings. It really helps to have someone to talk to who "understands."

steve11694

Hola Margot,

Como estai?

Es muy sencillo, tienes que empezar saliendo con Andrea Bocelli como amigito, pre novio.Presentarselo a Tu marido diciendolo ciao Amor.

Los adictos no son razonables ni piensan normalmente. Mantengate ocupado para pemsar menos en el.

Mi esposa alcoholica se enamora con otros alcoholicos vagabundos, criminales.


Ciao

Rome

Hello, he said he is confused and he doesn't know if we can save this marriage.. His lost! I think He is scared..I am going to be strong till june and take it from there...live and let it live!
Ciao Margot

Rome

OOps I think It was live and let live!
Ciao

Cynay

Something else to consider too is:

Sometimes for the A it is much easier to dump the past. You loose friend and sometimes family because you dont want to deal with the huge problems created.

Especially when they first get sober it is such a trial for them, they do the 90 meetings in 90 days and the focus is to do whatever they have to do to stay sober.... They maybe working a program but the fog has not lifed and for them it probably feels like standing in the crowd naked. There is no defense because they dont have the alcohol to numb it.

I know when my ex-abf got sober he could not stand to look at me or be around me. I think the biggest issue was his shame... not to mention I was one messed up and very angry girl.... Im sure it was written all over me how much he had hurt and disapointed me.... I did nothing to try to hide it and let him know everyday how much he had hurt me, how to work his program and what he was doing wrong not only in our relationship but also in his recovery. Today I can completely understand why he would not want to be around me, when I think about my attitude and actions I feel alot of shame too.

It is hard enough to try to quit an addiction .... but to have to face the fall out has got to be even harder.

Only my opinion and experience.... Take what you want and leave the rest.

DesertEyes

Hello Margot,

Welcome to SoberRecovery. I'm so sorry to hear about all the problems you are having. I used to live in your neighborhood. There are some great al-anon meetings in Laguna Canyon at a place called "The Canyon Club"

Here's the ones I found very positive

http://www.orangecountyalanon.org/meetingdirectory.html


LAGUNA BEACH

The Canyon Club Sunday 4:00 PM
20456 Laguna Canyon Rd
(1 hour womens meeting)
920-J5 / 92651

Canyon Club Wednesday 8:00 PM
20456 Laguna Canyon Rd
920-J5 / 92651

Canyon Club, Thursday 4:30 PM
20456 Laguna Canyon Rd.
(For Women Only - 1 hour Step Study)
920-J5 / 92651

Canyon Club Friday 6:00 PM
20456 Laguna Canyon Rd
920-J5 / 92651

Canyon Club (A) Saturday 10:30 AM
20456 Laguna Canyon Rd
(Step Study)
920-J5 / 92651

Glad you decided to join us.

Mike

lilac

Hi Margot, and welcome to SR. Please keep posting and reading. We are glad you are here.

HolyQow

Has he already spoken to a lawyer about divorce? Because it sounds to me like he has been advised to stay in the home. If he leaves the home, it will look like abandonment, and could cause him some problems in a divorce/custody issue.

I would advise speaking to a lawyer yourself, since you had to leave your country to be here, and now have a child here....seems complicated.

And just another suspician: did he really go to AA? or did he just tell you he went there and went to a bar instead? Did you know that the main trait of an alcoholic is that they LIE very very well. Master manipulators.

In our country, the saying is: Have his cake and eat it too. (which means, have a girlfriend, and keep the family/wife/house/comforts/kids too)

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hello there margot and welcome. So sorry to hear your pain and it is even more difficult i am sure when it is not in your home country. We are here for you.

SoberSurfer

Your husband is a liar. Dump him. Sorry I puke when I read the family afterward or to the employers. Like we are supposed to tap dance around a drunk? No Thanks. And I am a sober drunk but thats my problem, not yours.

Mr. Christian

Hello Margot,

- I’m 2nd generation Italian here so can’t rely on any of the language with me.
One thing though, I do live close to you, I’m in Orange. There are some great Alanon meetings here and the Orange County chapter is full of great people.
Any info you need I’d be glad to help and I might be able to point you in the direction of some good meetings. Just let me know.