Help falling into pit.....
been searching for the dream
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Help falling into pit.....
My AH drinks daily and it is usually at home or when we go out to eat dinner too. We both work long hours and often grab something to eat. Occasionally I guess twice a month or on an average once-a-month he does the "I've got to see my brother thing" it is usually on tuesdays because they both have off. They both drink. as did their father and their grandfather etc. Father and grandfather died of liver cancer. Anyway, I digress. Last nite was one of those tuesdays. I went to my on-line al-anon meeting (really great and did help) but I could not stop from being aggravated and agitated when he got home. I tried to work my program and deal with myself. I was ok until I had to look at him and see him. Now he is never fall down but he was definitely behaving and breathing as he does when he has anywhere from 7-10 pints. I know it will always be a big drink nite. Usual nite is 4-5 pints and liquor and with family it could be 15-20 drinks. and he never falls down. I am having a hard time stopping my heart from racing with the anger and hurt. I feel left and abandoned and i feel ashamed to be married to a person who does that and that is a whole other issue the shame of it. I am really upset. I want to try to tap back into the serenity prayer here and accept and feel at peace but I feel feelings of rejection kicking if that makes any sense. I need some thoughts I am really getting down.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
(((((((Irish))))))) Honey I know how you feel....I was married to my XAH for 22 yrs and in the end it only took him 3 maybe 4 beers to be drunk and falling down. Welcome to stage 4 alcoholism....mine was having trouble with his pancreas but would never admit it...then he started to believe his phycosis thoughts and was convinced that I was leaving him so he left the kids and I during one of these dilusional states. I know the pain that you are going though and my heart goes out to you. Alcoholism is a very progressive thing and never gets better until they put it down completely. Like they say...nothing changes if nothing changes.....and the 3 c's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
and You can't cure it
Hang in there and detach from his crisis and chaos hun....live for yourself and keep with you own program. And keep coming back here where we can benefit from each others situations.
Janit
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
and You can't cure it
Hang in there and detach from his crisis and chaos hun....live for yourself and keep with you own program. And keep coming back here where we can benefit from each others situations.
Janit
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hey Irish-
Nope, it's no fun, and certainly not easy, to see a loved one drinking, especially when we've gotten so deep into worry about their drinking. I remember when I first started trying to detach from my husband's drinking. His night was Friday nights. Friday were awful for me. I'd dread having to deal with all the drama of him being out drinking, driving, spending money, etc. I did all sorts of things to "control" the situation, and my pain/hurt/anger/etc. I tried calling him during the day to ask him what he wanted to wanted to do after work. I thought if I could make plans with him, maybe he wouldn't drink after work, or maybe just not drink so much. I thought if I called him to tell him that I really needed his check in the bank, that maybe he wouldn't take out so much money... and then maybe he wouldn't have enough money to get so drunk.
I was alot like you. I felt so rejected. Newly married (only 4-5 months at the time!) and here I was, home alone on Friday night! I felt like such a loser. What kind of married woman doesn't spend Friday nights with her husband? All I wanted was for him to want to come home and do stuff with me!!!
The thing I learned most from Al-anon... was that no matter what I did, he was going to do what he was going to do. He had a drinking problem, and I couldn't change that. The only thing I could change was myself. I had to learn how to get on with living... MY LIFE. I stopped asking him to do things with me on Fridays. I turned Friday nights into MY night, so that I could look forward to that day, instead of dread it. I stopped sitting at home, waiting for him to walk in the door... stopping smelling his breath... there was no need to confirm what I already knew. I focused all my energy into me. I got back into exercising, lost a bunch of weight, got in touch with long lost friends... got back to doing what I wanted.
So I'll ask you this Irish... what would you like Tuesday nights to be, for you? What's a better way to spend the evening that would honor you and make you happy? (I think the Al-anon meeting is a great start, by the way!)
It takes time to really detach with love, and to have acceptance... so please be patient with yourself. Keep the focus on you, and I promise all good things will come in time!
:-) Shannon
Nope, it's no fun, and certainly not easy, to see a loved one drinking, especially when we've gotten so deep into worry about their drinking. I remember when I first started trying to detach from my husband's drinking. His night was Friday nights. Friday were awful for me. I'd dread having to deal with all the drama of him being out drinking, driving, spending money, etc. I did all sorts of things to "control" the situation, and my pain/hurt/anger/etc. I tried calling him during the day to ask him what he wanted to wanted to do after work. I thought if I could make plans with him, maybe he wouldn't drink after work, or maybe just not drink so much. I thought if I called him to tell him that I really needed his check in the bank, that maybe he wouldn't take out so much money... and then maybe he wouldn't have enough money to get so drunk.
I was alot like you. I felt so rejected. Newly married (only 4-5 months at the time!) and here I was, home alone on Friday night! I felt like such a loser. What kind of married woman doesn't spend Friday nights with her husband? All I wanted was for him to want to come home and do stuff with me!!!
The thing I learned most from Al-anon... was that no matter what I did, he was going to do what he was going to do. He had a drinking problem, and I couldn't change that. The only thing I could change was myself. I had to learn how to get on with living... MY LIFE. I stopped asking him to do things with me on Fridays. I turned Friday nights into MY night, so that I could look forward to that day, instead of dread it. I stopped sitting at home, waiting for him to walk in the door... stopping smelling his breath... there was no need to confirm what I already knew. I focused all my energy into me. I got back into exercising, lost a bunch of weight, got in touch with long lost friends... got back to doing what I wanted.
So I'll ask you this Irish... what would you like Tuesday nights to be, for you? What's a better way to spend the evening that would honor you and make you happy? (I think the Al-anon meeting is a great start, by the way!)
It takes time to really detach with love, and to have acceptance... so please be patient with yourself. Keep the focus on you, and I promise all good things will come in time!
:-) Shannon
been searching for the dream
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Hey everyone I couldn't get back to you until now. Shannon and Embraced I hear you . Shannon I do think I will do the face to face meeting on Tuesdays and also Denny I just started an on-line group and when I go to the f2f mtg I will find out about a sponsor. ? not sure about that because I don't know about it LOL I do go to counselling weekly and that helps too. Being here helps too. Thanks all I really appreciate it . Very down today and not feeling well either so that brings you down too. By for now.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2
I'm new here *hello* 
I've been with my ABF now for a year and a half now, but feels like 5. We moved in together last fall. We've been through a lot, and pregressively have noticed that he is truly an AH. He's admitted it- blaming the industry he works in (restaurant/bartending) but that is the only way he can support his 2 girls (who have now moved away for the 2nd time), and that his parents divorced when he was 14 and just cut loose after that. Also, that his dad introduced him to it by getting him wasted on his 21st bday.
He lies to me constantly or says he'll be home at a certain time, then I don't see/hear from him- I try calling him (which I don't know why I bother because he doesn't answer) then he doesn't lie about it, per say- just beats around the bush or doesn't tell the whole truth. I can see right through him and he knows that- but he still does it- just to get in a few drinks. I ALWAYS know when he is somewhere he doesn't want me to know about. He also uses the excuse that he just tends to change his mind at the last minute....of course I tell him that if he does, it's very easy to pick up the phone and call me.
And, yes, at first I suspected he was cheating on me- but as time went on, I realllllly observed his ways and habits with and without me. How whenever we go out, he has to have a drink in his hand.
Basically what I have observed and learned of him (as many alcoholics):
- He is drinking when he is running late or I can't get a hold of him
- He promises to cut back/quit/go to al-anon but I know he won't until he's ready (if he's ever ready)
- He makes drinking a priority over everything, even if he doesn't realize it
- He is scared to fall completely, that's why he hasn't left me when he's said he would
- He feels alone, therefore drinks and tries to fit in to have a good time
- He feels like a failured father, and feels abandoned by his parents because of the divorce, so he drowns his sorrows in alcohol
- His love for me is true, but it's muddled and fuzzy because of his addiction
- I've done all I can do, it's in his hands
- I need to encourage and support him in not drinking, not ridicule or get mad at him drinking
- I need to detach myself some, focus more on myself, watch his reaction on that one, cuz I know he doesn't like it just like I don't
It's hard to do or realize some of those things, but I need to in order for myself to be happy.
I've been with my ABF now for a year and a half now, but feels like 5. We moved in together last fall. We've been through a lot, and pregressively have noticed that he is truly an AH. He's admitted it- blaming the industry he works in (restaurant/bartending) but that is the only way he can support his 2 girls (who have now moved away for the 2nd time), and that his parents divorced when he was 14 and just cut loose after that. Also, that his dad introduced him to it by getting him wasted on his 21st bday.He lies to me constantly or says he'll be home at a certain time, then I don't see/hear from him- I try calling him (which I don't know why I bother because he doesn't answer) then he doesn't lie about it, per say- just beats around the bush or doesn't tell the whole truth. I can see right through him and he knows that- but he still does it- just to get in a few drinks. I ALWAYS know when he is somewhere he doesn't want me to know about. He also uses the excuse that he just tends to change his mind at the last minute....of course I tell him that if he does, it's very easy to pick up the phone and call me.
And, yes, at first I suspected he was cheating on me- but as time went on, I realllllly observed his ways and habits with and without me. How whenever we go out, he has to have a drink in his hand.
Basically what I have observed and learned of him (as many alcoholics):
- He is drinking when he is running late or I can't get a hold of him
- He promises to cut back/quit/go to al-anon but I know he won't until he's ready (if he's ever ready)
- He makes drinking a priority over everything, even if he doesn't realize it
- He is scared to fall completely, that's why he hasn't left me when he's said he would
- He feels alone, therefore drinks and tries to fit in to have a good time
- He feels like a failured father, and feels abandoned by his parents because of the divorce, so he drowns his sorrows in alcohol
- His love for me is true, but it's muddled and fuzzy because of his addiction
- I've done all I can do, it's in his hands
- I need to encourage and support him in not drinking, not ridicule or get mad at him drinking
- I need to detach myself some, focus more on myself, watch his reaction on that one, cuz I know he doesn't like it just like I don't
It's hard to do or realize some of those things, but I need to in order for myself to be happy.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
