Newbie - I'm cleaning up poop
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Newbie - I'm cleaning up poop
I’m sort of new to posting – but I’ve been reading a lot and finally got the nerve.
My AXBF and I split a couple months ago. He was a dry drunk who began emotionally withdrawing from “us” almost a year ago – when he started drinking behind my back. Well, our relationship imploded from the emotional withdrawl and lies. He even growled at me once for giving him too many compliments – huh? Only later did I find out it was because he was feeling guilty for drinking behind my back…and I’m supposed to have ESP I guess. So, he started withholding emotions from me as he was afraid (in his mind) they would give away his bad secret.
I didn’t know what I was up against. I went to alanon and he went to AA when we first met – but neither of us really understood the disease.
I feel duped. I feel so untrusting and utterly stupid (don’t forget angry too) that I’ve cut off contact with him.
He’s now in recovery, doing 90 in 90 seeing a counselor who is also his sponsor and no longer living comfortably with me. The last time we talked it sounded like he’s in a wonder land of fluffy bunny tails and grape lollipops - a new reborn man. Then he asks how I’m doing and when I start to tell him I get the “let’s be positive and not dwell on the negatives” line.
Um…ok – let’s live in your care bear world where we all have warm fuzzies discussing how great things are since you lied to me, destroyed my trust, our relationship…and as soon as you realized it was gone and I was REALLY kicking you out, you woke up and wanted it all back and *gasp* …I’m not happily inviting you back?! So far I’ve gotten 3 marriage proposals and the “I think we belong together” speech about 50 times…that’s when I told him I needed space.
When you’re cleaning up a pile of poop, you don’t really feel like focusing 100% of your time and attention on the positives of someone else’s recovery – you’re focusing on cleaning it up quickly, correctly and preventing it from hitting the fan again, all the while trying to plug your nose from the stench!
Until I know that he really “gets” and owns the poop in my life I'm cleaning up as a direct result of him – I can’t and won’t go back to him!
2 months? Changed? I doubt it. We’ll see in 2 years if he’s still this “new man” – therein lies the truth and the truth will set me free.
AAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!! What the heck do I do with my anger?!
My AXBF and I split a couple months ago. He was a dry drunk who began emotionally withdrawing from “us” almost a year ago – when he started drinking behind my back. Well, our relationship imploded from the emotional withdrawl and lies. He even growled at me once for giving him too many compliments – huh? Only later did I find out it was because he was feeling guilty for drinking behind my back…and I’m supposed to have ESP I guess. So, he started withholding emotions from me as he was afraid (in his mind) they would give away his bad secret.
I didn’t know what I was up against. I went to alanon and he went to AA when we first met – but neither of us really understood the disease.
I feel duped. I feel so untrusting and utterly stupid (don’t forget angry too) that I’ve cut off contact with him.
He’s now in recovery, doing 90 in 90 seeing a counselor who is also his sponsor and no longer living comfortably with me. The last time we talked it sounded like he’s in a wonder land of fluffy bunny tails and grape lollipops - a new reborn man. Then he asks how I’m doing and when I start to tell him I get the “let’s be positive and not dwell on the negatives” line.
Um…ok – let’s live in your care bear world where we all have warm fuzzies discussing how great things are since you lied to me, destroyed my trust, our relationship…and as soon as you realized it was gone and I was REALLY kicking you out, you woke up and wanted it all back and *gasp* …I’m not happily inviting you back?! So far I’ve gotten 3 marriage proposals and the “I think we belong together” speech about 50 times…that’s when I told him I needed space.
When you’re cleaning up a pile of poop, you don’t really feel like focusing 100% of your time and attention on the positives of someone else’s recovery – you’re focusing on cleaning it up quickly, correctly and preventing it from hitting the fan again, all the while trying to plug your nose from the stench!
Until I know that he really “gets” and owns the poop in my life I'm cleaning up as a direct result of him – I can’t and won’t go back to him!
2 months? Changed? I doubt it. We’ll see in 2 years if he’s still this “new man” – therein lies the truth and the truth will set me free.
AAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!! What the heck do I do with my anger?!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
3 marriage proposals and 50 "belong together" conversations, eh? Golly. Good for you for not getting hooked back in. I am getting those, too, and know exactly how infuriating they can be. I finally had to tell AH to please shut up, because I could see him talking, but could not hear a thing. I say, let him go about his recovery, as you go about yours. Remove yourself from the toxicity that it living with addiction and just get your bearing straight. The most difficult thing for me is to focus on myself, not him. Tough thing to do. Just keep redirecting your mind to something positive and something about you every time thoughts of your bf creep up. Keep posting--you'll get excellent feedback, I promise.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
I've done more remodeling in the past 2 months than almost the entire 3 years I've owned this place!
As long as I'm slopping on joint compound or marking off every stud in the wall, I'm not missing "him".
An'ka - it is so hard to hear isn't it?! The sobbing, begging and pleading really makes you wonder what alien took over that man's body and what planet are they from?
It was totally all about him and HIS recovery. Step 9 was attempted at my expense at 11pm on my birthday by him - he wanted to make amends for lying to me by calling me up and telling me each and every time he drank and lied about it. He didn't talk for long.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Think I'll rip up the carpets and put in wood floors. I love home depot!
SR is so awesome - I really needed to vent! THANK YOU!
As long as I'm slopping on joint compound or marking off every stud in the wall, I'm not missing "him".
An'ka - it is so hard to hear isn't it?! The sobbing, begging and pleading really makes you wonder what alien took over that man's body and what planet are they from?
It was totally all about him and HIS recovery. Step 9 was attempted at my expense at 11pm on my birthday by him - he wanted to make amends for lying to me by calling me up and telling me each and every time he drank and lied about it. He didn't talk for long.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Think I'll rip up the carpets and put in wood floors. I love home depot!
SR is so awesome - I really needed to vent! THANK YOU!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
3 marriage proposals and 50 "belong together" conversations
What do I do to get rid of the anger? Post here, read, eat (not necessarily in that order). In fact, I have a banana split topped with caramel sauce and whipped cream right beside me. Pardon me while I rid myself of some anger....
Oh, is that good....
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Hi cagefree! Glad you found the "nerve"...
Um... that sounds a bit weird. A part-time, for-profit sponsor?!? I'd have to question the ethics involved in that little dual relationship. I've seen professional counselors "recruit" patients in the rooms of AA, and I shudder each time. But, as is said, some are sicker than others...
(he must've forgotten to mention the golden unicorns being ridden through pink clouds by Smurfs) 
I dunno, but I bring mine to my Higher Power, Al-Anon, the 12 Steps, and my sponsor (who, incidentally, is not-for-profit 
)
I do hope you'll keep posting! I really like what you have to say and how you say it...
Originally Posted by cagefree
seeing a counselor who is also his sponsor
Originally Posted by cagefree
a wonder land of fluffy bunny tails and grape lollipops... care bear world where we all have warm fuzzies...
Originally Posted by cagefree
AAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!! What the heck do I do with my anger?!
)I do hope you'll keep posting! I really like what you have to say and how you say it...
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Loved your lively and entertaining post!! Keep writing! You sound very good. The anger is tough, but a part of it, huh? You'll work thru it. Keep up the jobs at your home, it does help. I also made tons of home projects part of my therapy when mine first left. Do you know how to lay wood? Or do you have wood under the carpets? I've been thinking about pulling carpet and laying wood here. The tougher the job the better! I layed a room of floor tile and was so darn proud! Glad to have you here, will look forward to hearing from you again. You will enjoy the people here.
You sound very good. The anger is tough, but a part of it, huh? You'll work thru it. Keep up the jobs at your home, it does help. I also made tons of home projects part of my therapy when mine first left. Do you know how to lay wood? Or do you have wood under the carpets? I've been thinking about pulling carpet and laying wood here. The tougher the job the better! I layed a room of floor tile and was so darn proud! Glad to have you here, will look forward to hearing from you again. You will enjoy the people here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
sounds like my xah......you would have thought he farted roses, and chit petunias when he was in rehabs. all 25-30 of them!!!!
never lasted long for him....just long enough to put the twinkle back in my eye, and pump up my heart again. then his mission was accomplished. he could come back home and slip back into his emotional terrorism to me.
then, i went to al-anon and started to get some help.
rip them carpets up....pretend it's his hair. that's what i did in my garden when i'd weed.
now, i've calmed down and just enjoy the garden.
god bless
jeri
never lasted long for him....just long enough to put the twinkle back in my eye, and pump up my heart again. then his mission was accomplished. he could come back home and slip back into his emotional terrorism to me.
then, i went to al-anon and started to get some help.
rip them carpets up....pretend it's his hair. that's what i did in my garden when i'd weed.
now, i've calmed down and just enjoy the garden.
god bless
jeri
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
You guys are sooo funny!
I was trying to find a smiley that was laughing so hard it was crying and snorting...no such luck, but I came back to unicorns, banana splits and do-it-yourself projects...much better!
I was going to go into his weird counselor/sponsor thing (it IS weird, huh?)...but I am feeling as though I might actually go to sleep without puffy eyes and tear stains tonight because of your great posts (you've all been my bedtime reading each night for 2 months now). I just want to focus on me and not "him".
There's a form of "fake" wood floor paneling I was going to ask about the next home depot trip I take. A woman I know at work did her entire kitchen by herself while she was pregnant and pukey...I think I might be able to tackle it without bringing down the house - if she comes over to help out!
So, this smurfy unicorn loving, sundae chowing, ajax wielding woman is going to try to actually get to sleep!
Thank God for this place...and all of you!
I was trying to find a smiley that was laughing so hard it was crying and snorting...no such luck, but I came back to unicorns, banana splits and do-it-yourself projects...much better!
I was going to go into his weird counselor/sponsor thing (it IS weird, huh?)...but I am feeling as though I might actually go to sleep without puffy eyes and tear stains tonight because of your great posts (you've all been my bedtime reading each night for 2 months now). I just want to focus on me and not "him".
There's a form of "fake" wood floor paneling I was going to ask about the next home depot trip I take. A woman I know at work did her entire kitchen by herself while she was pregnant and pukey...I think I might be able to tackle it without bringing down the house - if she comes over to help out!
So, this smurfy unicorn loving, sundae chowing, ajax wielding woman is going to try to actually get to sleep!
Thank God for this place...and all of you!
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by embraced2000
sounds like my xah......you would have thought he farted roses, and chit petunias when he was in rehabs. all 25-30 of them!!!!
rip them carpets up....pretend it's his hair. that's what i did in my garden when i'd weed.
now, i've calmed down and just enjoy the garden.
god bless
jeri
rip them carpets up....pretend it's his hair. that's what i did in my garden when i'd weed.
now, i've calmed down and just enjoy the garden.
god bless
jeri
I'll remember that the next time I get out the nailgun!
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
(((((Cage)))))
Welcome to SR!!! And you got it right!!! This is what you do with your anger. pour it all out right here honey. We'll laugh witcha, cry witcha and rant and rave wit the best of em!!
Welcome to SR!!! And you got it right!!! This is what you do with your anger. pour it all out right here honey. We'll laugh witcha, cry witcha and rant and rave wit the best of em!!
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Ok this thread was funny. I like the rage there cagefree sounds like you are freeing the cage. Thank god for Home Depot when your done you can apply for Better Homes and Gardens next contest LOL.. Hey welcome and good for you. You have got it. This is a great place. Sorry for your pain and angst.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Concord NH
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by cagefree
There's a form of "fake" wood floor paneling I was going to ask about the next home depot trip I take.
You sound good..glad you're here.
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