howdoIknow

I myself am the adult child of an alcoholic mother. I have trust issues associated with that, but beyond that, I am very concerned about my live in boyfriend.

He does not spend hours at bars or get drunk regularly, but there have been many times, especially yesterday, where he just lacks the self control to stop drinking. I came home to find him very drunk, went to the store, and on my way home found him stumbling down the street, walking to the store, but he couldn't really remember what he was going there for besides milk. Now even if this is something that occurs maybe once a month, I KNOW it's not normal. When I try to speak to him about it he calls me a hypocrite because I enjoy a glass of red wine. I never really become drunk from it and am always in control of myself and know my own limits. His reply is always, "well, if I have a problem so do you". I however have never wandered the streets aimlessly at night or fallen down from a glass of wine.

I doesn't help that I am hyper sensitive to the affect alcohol has on people because of my childhood, and sometimes I feel he takes advantage of knowing that about me to justify his own bad behavior.

Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice is really appreciated

an'ka

In my opinion, even if it happens once or twice a month, the fact that your boyfriend reaches the state of aimlessly wondering and falling down is a red flag. The situation may not be unmanageable today, but in my personal experience, it will gradually become worse and worse as his disease runs its course. Nowadays, when I encounter a person who can't seem to know when to stop drinking for the night, my antennae shoot up. My husband was not always homeless and unemployed; in fact, he was highly respected in a prestigious occupation, had many friends, and all indications of a fulfilling life. BUT....

Don't take his "hypocrisy" comments personally. I love having a glass of wine now and then, but do it extremely rarely, never have more than two, and am always in control of myself and my actions. If your boyfriend fails to address his occasional drunken stupors, they will become a permanent part of his, and your, life. Please consider that seriously before you make any long term committments with that person.

YYCGal

Hi - well I'm new to this too, but from my view - I saw the same warning signs in my ABF and now, two years later am dealing with the consequences. After endless days weeks, months and now years of verbal abuse and careless and reckless abandon I finally saw the light.

The flag has gone up. The warnings are there.

My two bits.

Zoey

Welcome to SR, this is a great place.
an'ka's reply says it well, so I shall suggest that you read everything you can, read the stickies at the top of the page where you posted. Under classic reading you will find suggested book list.

Take what you can use and leave the rest and keep coming back. So glad you found us.

cmc

Hi,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you are ready to seek some help for how you are feeling about your boyfriend's drinking. As a child of an alcoholic you must know that blaming others is what people do when they are trying to redirect the attention off themselves. He is sick whether he admits is or not.
Have you attended any 12 step meetings yet? They helped me and so many others here. It's recommended to find a meeting and and go at least 6 times before you decide if it's right for you. You don't have to face this alone.
Read the stickys at the top of the forum page as they have alot of good information to help you.
Please feel free to come here to read and to post as often as you care to.
There's always room for a new friend here!

atalose

My dad used to equate his drinking to my mothers smoking, he could drink himself stupid because she was smoking cigaretts. They never make sense when trying to defend there drinking behavior.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... Im glad that you found us.

You know, it really does not matter how much he drinks or how often.... What matters is its a problem for you.

Since you are having issues with it you might want to think about his lack of even trying to understand how its effecting/hurting you.... That is not only an indication of addiction but also tells me a little something deeper about how he feels. Its ok to "bury" you SO (who you are supose to love) concerns or problems? So what else will he blow off that hurts you?

I look forward to getting to know you! Hang out and read all you can.

guyinNC

He has a problem. Don't let it becomes yours.

cowgirl

I'm new here too I can see the red flags. Please don't let this become your problem.

FormerDoormat

It's funny how we can clearly see the red flags when it comes to our friends, family, acquaintences, and other posters on this forum, but we can't seem to see them ourselves.

That's because we don't want to see the truth. If we did, then we'd have to make some changes in our lives.

an'ka

Amen to that, FormerDoormat! Isn't it so easy to see the signs and dispense advice when removed from the situation? We all sound so confident, but take a look at our own posts--well, a learning process for sure.

cowgirl

I'm sorry if I offended anyone I certainly do not want to come across as a know it all, If I were that smart I would not be in my situation. It breaks my heart to see someone go down the same road as I have traveled. I just want to yell STOP TURN AROUND RUN...

howdoIknow

Cowgirl, you did not offend me at all. We are all in similair situations. While it is hard to just turn and run from someone who I have loved for so long and is perfect in every other way, I understand what you are saying and would surely say the same to anyone who asked my opinion.

denny57

I turned and ran to get help for myself. What happened after that from AH's side was his choice. I am grateful for the life I have today.

Cynay

Dont think twice about being offensive... we are not joking when we say that we can see ALL the red flags in others situations...... but not our own. That probably why Al-anon gives you a sponsor sweetie.

It really is true.

prodigal

It sounds like you are dealing with an alcoholic who is a binge-drinker. He'll drink more during his binges, have more binges, and start having more blackouts. Such is the tragedy and progression of the disease. "He is perfect in every other way..." Well, no, he's not. He's an addict. He blasts you for having a glass or two of wine in order to justify his out-of-control behavior. That sounds less than perfect to me. I've been with addicts most of my life - bf's, AH's, relatives. As memory serves, none of them were perfect in every other way. In fact, their attitudes, treatment of other folks, and overall outlook on life kinda stunk. That is the nature of what is called alcoholism.