an'ka

Last week, my aunt in law, my wonderful confidant, said something that really made me think. We were discussing the fact that once again, my husband has come off a binge and says all the right things that have hooked me in the past. Every time I call her to share what's going on, I am livid because of something he said, or feeling down and fatigued because of the same. Told her I read some of my posts from winter of last year and it's like I wrote them yesterday! Groundhog day!! Same promises, same behaviors, same genuine affect and admonitions to pull it together and be a family...

Well, to all that, she said that I have not made ANY progress in my recovery. Of course, I assured her that I have, because I haven't lived with him in a year, our financial lives are finally separate, I don't take his alcoholism personally anymore and don't make attempts to "fix" him. But, she said, he is still living in your head 24 hours a day, every day! You are still having conversations with him every day, despite saying no contact. He still makes you feel angry/depressed/trapped/etc. An aha moment, for sure. I am still so preoccupied with that man and I AM STILL DANCING THE DANCE! Somebody wrote once that saying you'll file for divorce is different than just serving divorce papers--saying it is still dancing. I get it now.

Another thing, too, people say that anger is rooted in fear. Well, I bubble with anger almost every time we talk--I don't want to be a victim anymore, but I think I am still letting my codie behaviors rule. I am allowing AH's behaviors and words direct my life; for instance, he is sober now and says he will do right by me, so now I have to disregard everything and wait for him again. I am still waiting, waiting, waiting for him! Urgh.

Minx1969

Remember that recovery is a program of action whether it is for the alcoholic or the affected family member.

I see in Alanon as well that there are people that can quote the slogans etc but are halfway in and out of the program. Saying the right things but not truly walking the walk. Not taking appropriate actions to keep the focus on them.

I can only speak for my Alanon experience about the 6 things you can do to be working a good program:

These things are:

1. pray
2. go to meetings
3. Have and use your sponsor
4. read Alanon literature
5. work the steps
6. sponsor other people

I suppose for the people that don't work an Alanon program you could modify these actions somewhat but the result is the same.

Keep the focus on yourself.

denny57

I also found it helpful to think in terms of "dry" instead of sober when I was still in it, because they are two different things.

an'ka

Denny57, I agree, dry is a more appropriate term. I have to keep reminding myself that for someone who has consumed such a profound amount of alcohol for so long (last BAL .475), two weeks with no booze is nothing. It is easy to assume that in the absence of alcohol, a person would have a hangover and become normal again, but their body is still sick and their thinking must be pretty dang clouded.

Minx, yes, I admit that I am one of those people that talk the talk, but can't seem to walk the walk. I have a tendency to leave room for doubt and my AH knows it. Case in point, I tell him that our relationship is over, so please don't bother me, and yet "grant" him 6 months (physically not filing for divorce) in order to get his life together. Haha. I understand the foolishness of my own actions, but can't make a clean cut. "Codependent No More" to the rescue!!