mamahertz

HI everyone.
I was just wondering if you all talk to people about your kids/spouse/significant others addictions? I don't know if I do the right thing, it has just taken over my life for 4 years (10 if you don't count the drugs) and I tend to talk. A lot. Is this something that you find you do? I always think if I talk to people, someone will give me the answer on how to deal with it. Then I feel guilty thinking if my daughter only knew what I was doing, she'd hate me. I just don't understand (and it's not just the drugs, she has had rotten relationship with her husband from day one). I'm sure you all have the smart, intelligent, beautiful young woman who turned to drugs or alcohol and can't understand it. I'm new to this forum, only posted 2 times and still learning to navigate this. I did call for info for a NA anon meeting, but haven't returned the call yet. I have a friend in AA who was very helpful with telling me I have to let go (which I do). I'm not one to bail her or him out of trouble when it comes and it's coming fast and furious. I always taught my kids that when they do something wrong and get caught, own up to it, take the punishment and then learn from your mistakes. But this is just out of my realm of understanding. So, I talk. My friends all know about her and him. They've been great with listening. I do have a nephew who had an addiction and beat it and he has been helpful and offered to talk to her. I still can't help but feel guilty talking. I consider it a coping mechanism and can't keep it all bottled up. I feel nauseous all the time as it is. If I just know that I'm not the only one who talks all the time, as I said it has taken over my life and sucked it right out of me, I may feel better. I have a friend who's daughter had a similar problem as mine, and they never talked about it with anyone, big, huge secret. Found out they were afraid of confidentiality (? can't figure that one out, not in med field). Which makes me wonder if I'm totally wrong. Okay, I guess that was long winded enough for now.

laurie6781

Sometimes Al-anon is more readily available than Naranon, and I would say right now the best thing for you to do FOR YOU is to get to lots and lots of Al-anon meetings.

You are obsessing obviously and you know it. Al-anon and/or Naranon will give you the tools, to work on YOU and make YOU better. And yes there you can talk about their addictions to a point, however, both fellowships will help you to get the focus back on you and your well-being.

J M H O

Please feel free to and continue to post here about how you are doing......we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

FriendofBill

I have always had an incredible desire to be heard......cus the alcoholic never listened.

So, yes, I talk and chose emotionally available people who sincerely listen.

Its called being acknowledged. As important. I am important.

cmc

Hi,
Welcome to our forum! Yes, I do talk with people but I am very careful who I choose, how much, and what I share unless I know that they have a good understanding about addiction. I do this for ME. I also try to protect my son's anonymity... his privacy belongs to him.
Some friends and family members, although well meaning, may not have good answers for me. If it isn't good for me to share with them... then I keep it private.
Seeing that this disease is such a serious one... I think it's best to have input from people who know what they are talking about, who will not judge me or my family member unjustly. The worst thing for me would be to not have good support...I could not manage this without the love and understanding of others who have gone before me.
The great thing about meetings is the anonymity... you can be safe there to say what you need to.
I agree with Laurie... about Alanon. That is where I found my 'home group' and I also recommend you try to attend some open AA and NA meetings too.
If you listen, you will learn and when you learn you can change!
Keep coming back...

Pick-a-name

I find that I really vent mainly with those who truly understand about addiction;one of the main reasons I love to come here to post and read. Alanon and open AA meetings,too.

Glad you are here, I hope you stick around!

mamahertz

I didn't mean to make it sound like I talk to "strangers". I do have a couple of people in my life who do know about addiction who I mainly talk with about it. I do, however, talk about the other issues in her life with other people who know or knew these issues from the beginning. I know that if it were not for the drugs, she wouldn't be with HIM. I'm not in denial here about that, she tried to throw him out of her life 4 years ago, just when she was "starting" with the drugs and knew her life was going nowhere fast. I am pretty sure he convinced her that she's not an addict (pills) and they don't have a problem (he told me) and she was able to finish school (which an addict couldn't possibly do).Her addiction is a new thing, perhaps 4 years. His is a lot longer and a lot worse (if that's possible) which I didn't know about until 4 years ago. Guess he wanted to share it with her! I was reading other posts about maturity and that is a big issue with him as he is very immature at 33. I know an addict thinks only of the drug, not other people. He is at the point of stealing, forging checks (actually my daughter did that), lying, sneaking out at night. I have no proof positive of her taking pills other than her putting up with the crap above. Point: She was paying rent at their apartment (he doesn't work), paying ahead a few weeks at a time. she got a call from the landlord that she was 2 months behind on the rent. He told her that her husband was going downstairs to his mother in law and asking for the rent back cuz he needed the money. They were evicted from their apartment. WHO wants to live with someone who does that? Only another addict the way I see it. Okay, here I go again obsessing. Yeah, I guess I need to call.

StandingStrong

Throughout the marriage when AH was actively using, I had a few friends that I talked too about things. Each of them though could relate as they were dealing with much the same thing.
Towards others - I hid it. Codependant of me, but I hid things very well for years. Just recently, my parents have commented that they had no idea just how things had been, how he'd been, etc. Our seperation and my not hiding things anymore have truly shown them who he is.

I believe that it's very therapeutic to talk, to vent, to express our feelings and stesses. However, I also think that it can hinder us in some ways too - such as the person that only and always talks about it and it's become their obsession, those that talk and talk and talk and do nothing about their situations, etc.

I find that if I don't watch myself, it's very easy for me to get back in the habit of obsessively talking about AH and things related. And in talking more, I've noticed that it affects me, my recovery, etc. It's almost as if I suck myself into the chaos of my own making because it becomes obsessive. I try really hard to only talk to those that have gone through situation similar to mine (such as issues concerning my dissolution, child support, etc) and I come here - each being that I'm not just randomly venting - but possibly being able to get some ideas, constructive criticism, etc. Therefore, it's not pointless talking, it's constructive and good for me and my recovery in some way.

As for the confidentiality aspect, there again, I talk here as I can be anonymous. I talk to only those that I am very close too as it's a matter of trust and again, confidentiality.
In talking to others, if you are seeking help for yourself, I don't really feel it's a matter of breaching the confidentiality so much as helping myself.
I'm sure there are lines to this, but I've not really experienced a moment where I thought I'd breached that to those that I speak too. Those that I talk too in my life are those that are very aware of the situation.

Not sure if I answered your question as I tended to ramble there, but I guess I see lines in the subject matter. It's the lines that you draw and make a point not to cross that leave you feeling as you've done wrong is the answer.
But also being careful as to not hide the other person's actions, etc. that are indeed affecting yourself. Hiding is protecting them which in turn is/can be enabling.
Fine lines here.

know what I mean?

What do you think? And how are you feeling about it?
The answers to those questions are the ones that matter.

wraybear

For many of us, we tend to keep it all a secret. I think it is good to talk about it. We must choose the right place, right time, etc. It is all in our motive - if we are doing so to seek help, guidance, or just to clear the air that is one thing, if we are simply gossiping, that is another. I know I kept it a secret for many many years. Once I started talking about it, I started healing and found much more peace.

lillamy

I find it hard to keep a balance between protecting the alcoholic in my life and keeping honest friendships. My closest friends know that my husband is an alcoholic, but I don't talk to other people about it. His own parents don't know. Mine do.

I don't know where the balance lies, but I think for me, not telling people who are close to me means the dysfunction of alcoholism carries over to yet another relationship. But when I tell people, it is so that I don't have to lie. So that I can say "yes, the kids and I will be at your cookout on Sunday, but I don't know if my husband will be there or not" without having to answer questions or make up stories about why he might not be there.

I don't expect to find help or answers by telling others. I expect to find understanding and sympathy, and I only tell people I know are capable of giving that without judging either me or my AH.

an'ka

StandingStrong, you make a great point about talking about A spouse obsessively. I also discuss my troubles with my close friends and certain relatives (and feel guilty over it each and every time), BUT I can also see how it can turn detrminental for my own recovery. Constantly rehashing things that took place in the past and ruminating on his/mine present struggles put my focus once again on my A partner and what he is doing/thinking/feeling, etc. It becomes about him and not about me. I need to consciously shift my attention from him onto my needs and interests. It is a tough thing to do and takes a tremendous amount of practice. One day and one decision at a time, right?

deax

I did the same. I never shut up. Long winded? Look at most of my posts. I've had friends tell me straight up- seriously I can't hear about him anymore. So now I'm more conscious of it for their sake and for my own, to obsess less and stop trying to figure things out.

As far as his confidentiality, I never protected it. It was hardly a secret. I felt guilty revealing his secrets (beyond his addictions) to my own friends sometimes, especially one thing I vowed to him that I'd never repeat, but he always knew that they are my main support system. And he never asked (and I never told him) if I was sharing all the sordid details. Which I was. I still don't feel AWFUL about that.

I went to my friend's 30th birthday party once though. And she had told her family about him and us, and I knew that, but as soon as we walked in I could feel the "there they are" sentiment running through the room. In that moment I probably felt the most guilty. Because of me he was now being defined by a bunch of strangers without getting the chance to make his own first impression.

But hey, I needed help figuring things out, getting perspective on my situation. I talkedto people who I knew had sense, but who would also be fair. Communication is good, bottled up secrets are never healthy in my opinion. I don't think you're doing anything wrong or at all uncommon. Addicts don't go through this stuff alone, they drag lots of other people through the muck with them.