From the outside looking in
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
From the outside looking in
My higher power works in mysterious ways.....
Probably should give the short and sweet of my story
Married to AH 23 years, 3 children We had it all!
Last 10 years life went to hell, numerous separations, treatment programs for him, job losses for him, DUI's finally sent to prison for 1 year. I lost everything,I left him, been separated 1 1/2 years in process of divorce.
Anyway he has a new gf and for whatever reason I have fallen upon getting access to his email.
He has replaced me with me. He says the exact same things to her, manipulates her and she responds word for word how I did. He cheats on her, oh my god is he good. Everything I "imagined" he did to me, he is doing to her.
It is the most bizarre thing I have ever experienced. I am seeing the progression of our relationship all over again but its not me.
He is still drinking, and she accepts the excuses. AAHHHHHHHHHH
I just want to reach through the computer and save her, but I can't.
Its wierd, I don't feel jealous, I just feel sad for her. I can see the writing on the wall. I am watching her being destroyed and it is me all over again. Its sad she has 3 kids.
I can't believe what I was married to, I want to laugh, I want to cry, I think to myself what an idiot I was. I am seeing it all from the outside looking in.
I think my higher power is sending me a "message" "confirmation" or something.
I will remain in no contact mode, because I don't think I could even speak to him with a straight face.
Just when I think things can't get anymore bizzare, the saga continues.
Probably should give the short and sweet of my story
Married to AH 23 years, 3 children We had it all!
Last 10 years life went to hell, numerous separations, treatment programs for him, job losses for him, DUI's finally sent to prison for 1 year. I lost everything,I left him, been separated 1 1/2 years in process of divorce.
Anyway he has a new gf and for whatever reason I have fallen upon getting access to his email.
He has replaced me with me. He says the exact same things to her, manipulates her and she responds word for word how I did. He cheats on her, oh my god is he good. Everything I "imagined" he did to me, he is doing to her.
It is the most bizarre thing I have ever experienced. I am seeing the progression of our relationship all over again but its not me.
He is still drinking, and she accepts the excuses. AAHHHHHHHHHH
I just want to reach through the computer and save her, but I can't.
Its wierd, I don't feel jealous, I just feel sad for her. I can see the writing on the wall. I am watching her being destroyed and it is me all over again. Its sad she has 3 kids.
I can't believe what I was married to, I want to laugh, I want to cry, I think to myself what an idiot I was. I am seeing it all from the outside looking in.
I think my higher power is sending me a "message" "confirmation" or something.
I will remain in no contact mode, because I don't think I could even speak to him with a straight face.
Just when I think things can't get anymore bizzare, the saga continues.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Ah, isn't it easy to judge now, looking at everything in retrospect. But none of us are idiots, we just happened, due to our inexperience or naivette, into this awful experience. The past two years have been extremely painful, but I learned powerful lessons about addiction, about myself, about marriage and life in general. And, I think it's true for most of us, we had no clue what we were getting ourselves into when we said the vows or entered our relationships. We had no clue and could not possibly imagine the horror that was to come later. So, let's congratulate ourselves for our strength in pulling through this hell called addiction.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
you're not an idiot.....the disease robbed him of himself.
i'm having so much problem with the word disease for this condition. mine is on the rampage, doing and saying all the crappy things they say when they do what they do.
i almost wish he had a disease that i could give him meds and plump his friggin pillow, and take him to his doc apnts. way i feel now, i'd like to hold the pillow over his face. his condition is not looking like a "disease" to me right now.....just seems like he is a miserable, nasty, mean, horrible person.
he is saying the most horrifying, filthy things....i truly don't know how a person can think of the things spewing from his mouth. indicates to me that more than alcoholism at work here.
sorry,
i'm rambling here.
jeri
i'm having so much problem with the word disease for this condition. mine is on the rampage, doing and saying all the crappy things they say when they do what they do.
i almost wish he had a disease that i could give him meds and plump his friggin pillow, and take him to his doc apnts. way i feel now, i'd like to hold the pillow over his face. his condition is not looking like a "disease" to me right now.....just seems like he is a miserable, nasty, mean, horrible person.
he is saying the most horrifying, filthy things....i truly don't know how a person can think of the things spewing from his mouth. indicates to me that more than alcoholism at work here.
sorry,
i'm rambling here.
jeri
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Maybe you should post his name, so I can make sure it's not me married to him! J/K!
I bet my AH's exwife could fill my ears full.....but in the beginning of our relationship, I doubt I would have wanted to hear any of it.....now, I bet her and I have the exact same stories.
I bet my AH's exwife could fill my ears full.....but in the beginning of our relationship, I doubt I would have wanted to hear any of it.....now, I bet her and I have the exact same stories.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Maybe you have read enough of his email. It has confirmed for you that he is still a creep. I guess enough is enough and now you know what he is. I actually came upon my former AH's email and the tons of dating websites he was on completely by accident.
I was working on a school project on his computer Thanksgiving weekend of '00 and it was weird but all of a sudden I logged into my hotmail account and his popped up. Yeah, there it was - all I needed to know. The same lines he served me way back when he was serving to new unsuspecting victims. And he was pulling this while telling me he wanted a "reconciliation." Whew!!
I was working on a school project on his computer Thanksgiving weekend of '00 and it was weird but all of a sudden I logged into my hotmail account and his popped up. Yeah, there it was - all I needed to know. The same lines he served me way back when he was serving to new unsuspecting victims. And he was pulling this while telling me he wanted a "reconciliation." Whew!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 14
Here's a bunch of insanity: Before I allowed my AXBF to con me into a "relationship," I know for a fact he was lying to the girlfriend-on-the-way-out, and to me, before he felt "secure" enough with me to dump her. When I became the girlfriend-on-the-way-out, I know for a fact he was lying to the potential new gf and to me before he felt secure that the new gf would allow herself to be his hostage. He told me he loved me, we had sex, and then he called her in my presence and told her he loved her. All in the span of one hour!
The way I look at it: Fool me once, shame on him. Fool me twice, shame on me. I just hope he doesn't hurt her as much as much as he hurt my predecessor and me. Unless a miracle (literally) happens, it's virtually guaranteed. My predecessor and I are both in no contact mode. I accused the current gf of burying her head in the sand, but I did the same thing! Pretended the major red flags weren't there. It's called DENIAL.
I was just as sick and addicted to him and the chaos as he is sick and addicted to alchohol/drugs. That is Al-Anon Step One for me!
The way I look at it: Fool me once, shame on him. Fool me twice, shame on me. I just hope he doesn't hurt her as much as much as he hurt my predecessor and me. Unless a miracle (literally) happens, it's virtually guaranteed. My predecessor and I are both in no contact mode. I accused the current gf of burying her head in the sand, but I did the same thing! Pretended the major red flags weren't there. It's called DENIAL.
I was just as sick and addicted to him and the chaos as he is sick and addicted to alchohol/drugs. That is Al-Anon Step One for me!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Boy do I know the Chaos of the way an Alcoholic thinks.....
Before I went no contact with my ex-abf he called me on a Monday and told me how much he loved me, that I was the only one he really loved and that he threw the best thing he ever had away.... asking for a second chance.
I promptly called my sponsor who said, keep it no contact for 3 more months and see what happens....
I called him back within 24 hours and before I could say anything he told me that he is inlove with his ex wife, that she is the only one for him and that he really has not loved anyone else.... When I asked he told me that Yes she was still living with the father of her baby, but was going to leave him and they would be a family.... To the best of my knowledge that never happened either.
Good Heavens I dont miss that.
Before I went no contact with my ex-abf he called me on a Monday and told me how much he loved me, that I was the only one he really loved and that he threw the best thing he ever had away.... asking for a second chance.
I promptly called my sponsor who said, keep it no contact for 3 more months and see what happens....
I called him back within 24 hours and before I could say anything he told me that he is inlove with his ex wife, that she is the only one for him and that he really has not loved anyone else.... When I asked he told me that Yes she was still living with the father of her baby, but was going to leave him and they would be a family.... To the best of my knowledge that never happened either.
Good Heavens I dont miss that.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Gets pretty addicting reading his emails doesn't it? Been there, and am so glad I can't anymore! It was hurting me! Plus, that is HIS business, not mine.
They are who they are, they won't change their pattern. I'm sure mine is saying the same things or will be, to someone. AND, it hurts. Cuz there were some pretty "sweet" times early on! Miss those moments.....but there have been so many notsweet since those early days!
They are who they are, they won't change their pattern. I'm sure mine is saying the same things or will be, to someone. AND, it hurts. Cuz there were some pretty "sweet" times early on! Miss those moments.....but there have been so many notsweet since those early days!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
I guess what has come up for me in all of this, is when I think of those good times I wonder if it was just all B.S. I realize I am invading his privacy, but why was this information handed to me. I do derserve some clarity and even though I will never get total closure from this mess, reading and seeing him for who he really is helps me to have some closure.
I'm sure reading the insanity will get old and it will be difficult for me to see someone else getting hurt when I can project his next move.
Having the information has helped in planning my divorce as I can play into his next move. Things are going along rather smoothly in that arena. Hopefully things will all we final in 30 days.
I'm sure reading the insanity will get old and it will be difficult for me to see someone else getting hurt when I can project his next move.
Having the information has helped in planning my divorce as I can play into his next move. Things are going along rather smoothly in that arena. Hopefully things will all we final in 30 days.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Wow, this gave me some perspective on my relationship. My AH fell "In love" with his sole mate on the internet, the funny thing is he wasn't sure if he wanted to make things work with me or not. She too is married with children. He changrd his tune with "maybe there is hope" when I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I was tired of the lies ect... Now his plans are to be with her and her children. I too feel sad for her, not jealous like I thought I would, I think what kind of woman would leave her marriage for him? I want to warn her but it is not my job. I must take care of me and my kids
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Ya know, I want to believe it wasn't BS, MFisher. You know it prolly wasn't. I am glad it doesn't hurt you and Kermit to think about these other women who, yes, will be getting the same as you got. (I haven't had the news of another woman yet...I do think it is going to hurt. I'm not sure why..cuz I know he will be the same man. But, I will be better to hear it now than a couple weeks ago. Maybe the BIG GUY is still handling it for me! and allowing me to get further down the road of healing before I hear that news.)
They usually need some one to be in their lives to make them feel better. Poor suckers! Now, that wasn't nice, huh? They are who they are.
They usually need some one to be in their lives to make them feel better. Poor suckers! Now, that wasn't nice, huh? They are who they are.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
you know what hurts me so badly???
because i KNOW who he used to be. i THINK he is still in there. i Want him to still be in there.
i think we all wonder if we were duped, manipulated, etc. but ya know what? i DO believe they loved us once, and probably still do in the only way their disease will allow them to.
if i were an alcoholic, i would have been drunk for the past 4 days.....instead, i've been eating and doing the home shopping thing. i've gained back 7 of the 62 i lost. and maxed out a credit card on chit from authentic created gem stones, and super gluey stuff that works under water, even!!!
we (all of us here) were loved. we could not ALL have chosen rotten men that just used us......the disease made them rotten.
mfrisher and all others......god bless us all.
jeri
because i KNOW who he used to be. i THINK he is still in there. i Want him to still be in there.
i think we all wonder if we were duped, manipulated, etc. but ya know what? i DO believe they loved us once, and probably still do in the only way their disease will allow them to.
if i were an alcoholic, i would have been drunk for the past 4 days.....instead, i've been eating and doing the home shopping thing. i've gained back 7 of the 62 i lost. and maxed out a credit card on chit from authentic created gem stones, and super gluey stuff that works under water, even!!!
we (all of us here) were loved. we could not ALL have chosen rotten men that just used us......the disease made them rotten.
mfrisher and all others......god bless us all.
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Jeri,
That is _exactly_ the way I feel. My wife was a delightful, kind loving woman until the pain pills took over. I remember the woman she used to be and will alwyas cherish the good times we had.
I think you might want to take that thought just a little bit further and consider what the disease has made _us_ into. The disease changed me too, just like it did her. It made me dependent on a relationship to be happy. Dependent on the approval of an addict to feel complete. Dependent on my own fantasies of what a marriage should be, and on my own unhealthy expectations of life.
My wife became _pysically_ dependent on chemicals, but _I_ became _emotionally_ dependent.
He already has. We are blessed with this program of recovery and all the wonderful people in it who are willing to reach out to us and show us the way out of our pain.
Mike
Originally Posted by embraced2000
...you know what hurts me so badly???
because i KNOW who he used to be. i THINK he is still in there. i Want him to still be in there. ...
because i KNOW who he used to be. i THINK he is still in there. i Want him to still be in there. ...
Originally Posted by embraced2000
... if i were an alcoholic...the disease made them rotten....
My wife became _pysically_ dependent on chemicals, but _I_ became _emotionally_ dependent.
Originally Posted by embraced2000
...God bless us all ...
Mike
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
AND, it feels so good not to be dependent on them anymore! My daughter & family were here last night, and I have to say, I am "freer" than I was to be me. I am laughing more, saying things I would have held back (for some stupid reason) being more assertive (hopefully in a good way) Truly, like a weight was lifted! This site has been a lifesaver.....just to read and share with others who have been there, and have had the same experiences and feelings.
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