prodigal

Yes, I suppose we do, but how about taking a minute to understand what we mere mortals are supposed to expect to be healthy love versus unhealthy love? He hit me. He cursed at my kids. He lied to me. He cheated on me. He keeps blaming me for his addiction. He is abusive. BUT I LOVE HIM.

I, too, have felt this way for a very long time. I can love the man, but the real love that can be bestowed on a nasty, abusive addict is that of his Higher Power. I do not have those abilities. I'm doing good if I can tolerate myself, let alone love myself, so to heck with him!

I had a major wake-up call this evening. I found two e-mails from AH. One is dated 11/8/05 and the other is dated 9/18/06. Both are asking me to forgive him. Both mention the reason for his abuse was he was "just not feeling well" and "I had an upset stomach all day long." These are excuses. They have nothing to do with a sincere request for forgiveness. Nor do they have anyting to do with a feeling of remorse by the perpetrator for his abuse and a need to make sincere amends. I just got a MAJOR wake-up call from my H.P. and I thank him for it.

I can love my AH, but I cannot live with him. This was what I needed to see to wake me up. Will I miss him? Yeah, the codie in me will miss him and romanticize him and think of the times he was charming. In time, I will be well enough to put everything in its proper perspective.

This is not how it works day-to-day with normal, healthy couples who have to face emotionally-laden problems. Believe me. If you remain in "nutsy-land" long enough you will believe that nutsy is the way life is ... BUT I LOVE HIM.

denny57

Thanks for the post, prodigal

I highly recommend doing the work necessary to understand why "but I love him" isn't about love at all in many cases.

Today I am taking the time to learn what loving someone really means, as well as what it means to have someone love me.

prodigal

As usual you go to the root of the problem. I hope more folks will take a moment to pause and reflect on the "but I love him" syndrome. I have been keeping a journal and suddenly the revelation came to me, "Why the heck should I love this sick person? Pity, yes, but love, nope."

reader

Wonderful Post, insightful as usual. You are the voice of reason in the storm we call alcoholism!!!!

reader

Wonderful Post, insightful as usual. You are the voice of reason in the storm we call alcoholism!!!!

reader

Ditto i haven't had coffee yet

embraced2000

i loved the illusion of what i thought he could be if he would only get well.

the brief insights they give us into loving moments are like throwing bones to a starving dog.....we grab onto them and think its the best of the best.

when i speak with him now, it is so surreal.

jeri

Grasshopper

Hi,personally,i dont believe in healthy/unhealthy love.
Love,is love,its pure...Loving another and being IN,love,are to me 2 seperate issues.
Its the actions of human beings,and what they think and do in the name of love,is to me,what can be healthy/not healthy.But love in and off itself is good.You asked,a very important question in my view.And that was,why the heck should i love this sick person?.I dont love everyone all the time.I dont.I do ask and pray to God,to please grant me that love for another.I have been the sick person,myself.And i want love,and i want to love another.It was just too costly for me,as a person,to not send love to others.I was once a bitter,judgemental,and all that negitive stuff kinda of a person.And THAT,cost me way to much.I can let go of folks,and still send them love.Pray for their peace,happiness,,etc,,etc.This gives peace,inside of me.But i dont have to have another in my pocket....smile...
Great topic.
Thanks for lettig me share,whats working in my own life today,
God Bless.

mazey

Maybe it is the "unhealthy/unacceptable" love IN RETURN that is being called "unhealthy". I, too, love....and "love" people who may not return the love in the same way. I would like to call my love a healthy love, but there are other ways of love....and true, maybe calling it love is wrong. The scripture we hear at weddings, Corinthians, that tells us about love. That is healthy, anything else is not healthy, ?normal, acceptable, distorted! AND, perhaps shouldn't even be called love. BUT, my A loved me, I know he did. BUT, it was not the love it "should" be. He was unable to love in that way. And, actually as the time went on...I didn't love him in the true sense it is meant to be. Wish I could recite the verse right now. It is such pure, simple instructions.

mallowcup

The desire to have a happy healthy loving relationship has little to do with making it work with an alcoholic. The alcoholic will try to make the analogy that President Bush makes with supporting the war and supporting the troops. One thing has nothing to do with the other, he just attaches himself to their efforts as if he and they are one in the same. Alcoholics do the same thing. If you give up on them, it is supposed to be a reflection of your lack of core beliefs. In reality, I left because I think more of marriage than to make a mockery of it.

mfisher

I left because I got tired of my core beliefs being compromissed. I am in the process of sorting out the "love question" I think.........
When you love someone, you should feel loved in return without asking.
When you think about the person you love, a smile should come to your face, not a sharp pain in your chest, filled with anger resentment and sadness.
You should not lose who you are in loving that person.
You should be able to accept who that person is and love them for who they are.
Love should be peaceful.
I do believe you can love and be loved in a healthy and unhealthy way.
Once you have reached the side of recognizing healthy love, then seeing unhealthy love is much more easily recognized. The red flags will be a waving.
Why do we fall in love with such sick people?, I am still looking for the answer to that one.

mallowcup

I think they help us fall in love with them. There may have been signs but they said and did all the things that people in love do, maybe even more so because they either think we are the answer they have been looking for or they simply look to hook us. It makes them feel normal.

Midnightfrost

I used to get so angry with my mother. She acted like being in love was some total loss of control. But I loved him is still her excuse for keeping us in a dysfunctional home. Love does nothing. Its a feeling. It doesn't make you do things. Just because your in love doesn't mean you are giving up control or responsibility. I love dysfunctional people(ex Abf, A dad, addict mom) but I won't turn my life and happiness over to them. Loving someone does NOT mean they are responsible for your happiness and living your life. I haven't figured out how to be in a "healthy" loving relationship yet so for now I'm in no relationship at all. I think you HAVE to start with two people that can stand on their own and aren't looking for someone else to make them happy and alive. At least that's what I hope. When I become a whole person that can be happy and healthy and alive on my own I can find someone to share that with. I don't want to leave it up to someone else to make that choice for me!

Zoey

One psychritist I went to stated, "Love is love".
I liked him. (SMILE) I had asked if my love was some kind of addiction, or obsession and that was his answer.
Just my little tidbitt.

Tally

I think my abf did this to me...helped me fall in love with him. He never was as cruel as he can be sometimes back when we first got together. Even though he was drinking when I first met him it wasn't day and night, he wasn't a mean and nasty drunk, like he can be now. He was overly affectionate, great fun, touchy feely, randy....all the things I miss.

It was only once I'd been "hooked" that the bad side came out and the good things, the things I loved, subsided.

kermit

There is so much I keep trying to say, but I can't seem to get it out. I got sucked in with the "it will never happen again or I didn't mean it" I want to care less then I do. I'm always worried about how "he" feels but never worried about me. I guess I have always just wanted to be loved and I thought that addicts were my only choice, because I didn't think highly of myself. When I step back and look at "him" the man, I don't love him. I feel sorry for him. I'm tired of justifing his behavior(he had a rough life ect) I know this but in one way or another we all have. it doesn't give him the right to let us down when we try so hard. I wanted to think he still loves me but now I guess I really don't care. I want to love me."but I love him...." it's not enough for me anymore. I love my kids and i'm making sure we are taken care of. that is love. while he sits his @ss in Colorado not working living off some friend and not supporting his kids. No Can't, won't Love that.
I rambled I know. I'm still in my grief stage! I'm trying to learn how to let go.
I deserve better.

LaTeeDa

I remember one session I had with my therapist when she asked me what I needed in order to be okay. I had a long list of what I wanted HIM to do. Stop drinking, be responsible, be considerate, etc. etc. etc. She then told me that none of that mattered. The goal she said, is to trust yourself enough so that what others do does not send you spinning emotionally out of control. To trust yourself enough to know that you will protect yourself from toxic people no matter how charming they may be. To trust yourself enough to know when it is time to walk away. And to trust yourself enough to do the best you can today, knowing that you may have to do something different tomorrow.

I think that session was one of the most valuable I have had. And I am still working on reaching that goal.

L