blizzard77

I just happend to be coming out of the Dr. office crying when he called. Basically, he said that it obviously wasn't working. I knew it he knew it but he was in a position where he didn't feel he could leave due to finances. He acknowledged the fact that he was a financial burden. He's still not drinking or using and said he just wants to try to get his life back together and he knows it will take a long time as he's starting with nothing.
He said I made him feel not good enough, always painted a bleak picture of our future and made him feel really small. He couldn't bring his self esteem up living the way we were living. He said he thinks that I don't really love who I am and I projected that onto him trying to avoid my issues by concentrating on his faults. This is all so very true. We continued to hurt eachother everyday and neither of us were happy. I always had a tendancy to look at his faults which were so obvious so that I didn't have to look at me. He didn't want the marriage to end either but he couldn't see how living together was helping either of us. So, he calls it a break. Wants to get his **** together by himself and start feeling good about himself and he wants the same for me. He said who knows in 6 months you might realize or decide you are better off without me and I may decide the same thing. I'm not sure about cutting off all contact with him, because tonight I did feel better after talking to him. He was able to talk me through the hurt and tell me to take it easy and take care of me and not worry about him. He thought maybe speaking or writing twice a month might be a good idea but he thought I should run that by the counselor. He made it clear that he doesn't want to stop me from moving on if that's what I want. He just wants space and time for me and for him. I don't know what to think. I do agree that I need to work on myself but for me not him. He is right when he says that I had this nasty habit of pointing out his faults and never seemed happy with anything he did. I was like that when he was a drunk and it didn't matter to him, it started to matter when he became sober but I just couldn't stop. I don't even know what advice I'm asking. I guess I feel a bit better knowing that in his mind there is still hope and that he does love me. As far as the future he said he don't know, he don't have a crystal ball. His main priority is getiing his **** together and its easier to do that when he's not under my microscope and dependant on me.

Minx1969

Blizzard -

I think it is great that you are going to therapy..What else are you willing to do to get better? I'm had lots of therapy which was great at uncovering the "why" of my past and "why I did things" ..

I really started to get better when I went to Alanon meetings, got a sponsor and learned tools to use in my every day life.

That's why I keep going every week and it's a piece I was missing in therapy. Actual tools I could use (and a great support group too)...Also I need that weekly reminder to keep the focus on me..Otherwise i'll start focusing on someone else...

Have you found a sponsor yet? Are you working the steps?

These are some great next steps you can take for you..

mallowcup

I sense some manipulation in his words and pleas. You don't really want to go back to him, he is implying his sucess and incentive to quit lies with you being willing to consider a future with him. He needs. You don't have to file for a divorce right away, you don't have to change a single thing right now. I also sense that you just don't know how to get it through his head that you aren't going back and you won't feel any responsibility toward his sobriety or recovery. My ex agreed to quit, he had no real intention to. I told him that when infidelity entered into it, I had no interest . None. He started drinking again and blamed me for not supporting him as if I just used his drinking as an excuse. His family wagged their finger at me and blamed me for being unpleaseable. They still live in denial. He still drinks. It's 20 years later. Even now he will pick right back up on incidents and converations that happened way back then.

HolyQow

(JMO)
It sounds like he is looking for the same answers as you. He just postponed looking for awhile, by drinking his way through. It also sounds like he is still (even if it's just slightly) trying to put the blame on you.
It was very Subtle.....but it's there, in black and white.
So he is not ready to accept his part in this mess, whether he is sober or not. Don't take the blame for him! You have accepted your faults, behaviors, and are working on them. What is he doing to fix his? (nothing that I can see). Running away from what he sees is the problem (you) and will never get better, because the real problem is himself.

Just my opinions Blizz, and there are bigger fish in the sea.

prodigal

and he may be right. You may have done those things that made him feel less-than. But perpetual finger-pointing leads to more finger-pointing which leads to nowhere. Okay. You know how he felt about you. Now how do you feel about you??? Are you are using his accusations to compose the template of what you were like during your marriage? Those are his observations. They might be somewhat incorrect or a bit inaccurate. It takes two to make a marriage a success or a disaster.

Blizzard, get your focus off of him just for a few minutes. You are human. You have faults. He is human. He has faults. Each of you has only one responsibility: to throw your faults on the floor and proceed to pick up what you own. Rules of the game: each of you can talk about how you feel about yourself and take responsibility for your own defects of character. Leave the other guy to take responsibility for his.

Quit telling each other who you are. Tell yourself who you are. Then let both of you start owning what you are.

blizzard77

HolyQow, You are right. Really what was he doing to get better. Maybe a meeting here on there. I was going to meetings, agreed to go to marriage counsoling , was doing all the reading I could get my hands on, started praying again and finding my HP again, dealing with my past issues. He wasn't doing a thing. So, yeah now I see the blame being cast. He's something is all I can say. I mean why go through the pains and struggles of getting off the drugs/booze to live in your head as if you were a drunk. He just don't get it!!

Tally

My bf said to me once that I made him feel small, I think he felt small before we even met.

The three C's sprang to mind when I read that line.

CatsTail

Blizzard,

Go to f2f meetings, get a sponsor and realy get serious about working your steps, serious enough to write more than one fourth step.

It's time for you to heal. Let him have his 6 months and see what he comes up with. Meanwhile put yourself first and into your program.

Ngaire

Pick-a-name

(((Blizzard)))

FriendofBill

WIth all due respect, how can you speak for someone elses feelings? How do you know what she wants to do?

Though you may have had a negative experience with your husband, that he lied about wanting sobriety, doesnt mean this is her experience.