mazey

A few months ago I was reading something, and this line hit me so hard....
I was not living! at least not the life I wanted to live. I had settled for a very disappointing existence. I knew I was going to have to have some big changes, and make some re-arranging choices! Giving one last "ultimatum"/boundary/it's done if" and waiting and watching....praying for the wisdom and courage, and to open my mind to what ever my HP had in mind for me. Well, it came. It (the relationship w/ the A) was DONE. He found a place and moved out. I am still having difficult moments, very sad times...but, I am laughing again, spending time with "healthy" people and loving it! Starting to feel "myself" again. Trying to live..... Hoping others can find "their lives" too.....with or without.
As I read here, so many of us are not living the life we want, I hope that line may touch someone else, to make the choice to live the life they wish to.

LIFEOUTTHERE

That has been the best feeling in the world. I almost forgot how to laugh. How to enjoy the company of a healthy person. I had almost lost myself. For the last few weeks that silly girl in the mirror will not stop smiling. She actaully wakes up in a good mood.

denny57

Very true. I remember our doctor telling me how many wives he would see in their 60s, 70s and on, who first started talking about the AHs in their 40s. How depressed they were now that their lives had slipped by half lived. I knew I was headed in that direction and that had never been my route before.

This week I am in Germany with 4 of my dearest friends celebrating one's 50th. We are having a blast and I am grateful for the life I have reclaimed. I am blessed.

mfisher

It reminds me to look at my grateful list.
When I throw a pity party, I look at all I lost and maybe the life I had anticiapted did fall apart, but at least I have an opportunity to rebuild a life and not stay suffering in that one I only dreamed of.
Thanks for the reminder, I needed it today.

mazey

Lifeout there, I also had almost lost myself...feels good to find more 'n more of her!
Denny, loved hearing of your trip.
MFisher, somedays are better than others for us....but, I like when you say we had the opportunity to rebuild.
Hope I haven't wasted too much time, and am not too old to get it rebuilt!

TexasGirl

Wow Denny!!! Hope you are having fun!!!!

Mazey, I know what you mean. I have recently realized also though that even though AH and I are separated, that doesn't mean that I'm living the life I want to yet. I guess I'm still working through a lot of stuff, but it hit me yesterday that I really don't want to lead the life I'm living even now. I don't know where I want my life to go...guess that's part of my struggle, but I'm working on it.

prodigal

I think it takes time to make the adjustment for each of us in our own individual ways. Some miss snuggling up in front of an old movie with a bowl of popcorn, some miss special occasions, some miss vacations "down the shore, 'hon" (our way of saying "going to the beach" in Baltimore).

I'll certainly miss certain aspects of the life I had w/AH, but as things got worse I realized it just couldn't continue. I just have to accept that he isn't going to get better or be able to deal with life on life's terms. Plus, he's an isolator. I, on the other hand, have been able by the grace of God to keep my sense of humor through this mess. I love to laugh and I love to be around people. So the change will have its good and bad points.

I think we all find ourselves with the help of our Higher Power.

steve11694

a song about letting go; give it a listen "kite" from ATYCLB U2



Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it means
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did

'cause hardness, it sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin

I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone, or anything at all

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know, which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
Don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

In summer I can taste the salt in the sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on a breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me

I'm a man, I'm not a child
A man who sees
The shadow behind your eyes

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know, where the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
I don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

Did I waste it?
Not so much I couldn't taste it
Life should be fragrant
Roof top to the basement