theonlydaughter

Hello, I just joined this forum this morning. I was so glad to find it on the web. I need help/advice desperately.

My 31 y/o brother is an alchoholic and drug addict. He lives with my mom who is 72 y/o. My dad died in 2001. My brother was/is extremely intelligent. He is the youngest of 6 children. I am the next to the youngest, and he is almost 11 years younger than I am. He has always been "spoiled", and has NEVER had to face any consequences for any of his actions. He hasn't worked since my dad died. He has had at least 4 or 5 run ins with the law in the past 5 years. My mom has hired expensive lawyers everytime to "get him off" or to keep him out of jail. She has bought him at least 3 cars in the past 5 years....one new, one almost new, and one used. That does not include the brand new car my dad bought him before he died. He has wrecked and trashed them while drunk. This doesn't include numerous tires that he has blown by "curbing" them. He talks horribly to my mother, and is extremely manipulative. He has her believing that one minute he is so depressed that he might kill himself (so she does everything to make him happy) and the other that he will leave and never return (so she will worry about him).

Okay, this has been ongoing (and then some) for 5 years now. My mom is so stressed and has lost so much weight. She just had surgery (bowel resection) and is staying with me to recooperate. I am bending over backwards to make things comfortable for her so that she will stay with me until she is stronger. She is really weak, and doesn't need my brother to be on her for money, etc right now. I have one other brother who is tryng to run interference as well by trying to keep him away from her. I also forgot to add that if we do not "help" him by getting him gas (she pays us back), cigs, food, etc she will make out lives miserable. She will not talk to us for months on end, but will sit quietly while the alchoholic brother screams and curses her out. Okay, so we are trying to give her time to recover by doing as much as we can for her (which means babysitting).

We have been talking to her slowly while she is in my home about her enabling behaviors, and how he has no reason to recover......he has it to good. Why should he get job? Mom pays for food, gas, cars, house, insurance and spending money. Duh! Why would he change...life is good! I have even gone as far as to tell her that she is 100% helping him be the way he is! She refuses to do anything....won't let him "go hungry" which to her is not keeping all his favorite foods in stock and if he doesn't like what she cooks giving him money for McDonalds etc.

Yesterday he calls her on her cell phone screaming at her (I could hear him across the room) that he didn't know she was at my house.......thought she was at the beach house so he drove 2 hours to see her and she wasn't there!
I told him when I brought him home from the hospital that she was with me. No one believes he drove down there.....it was a ploy to blame me and then get more money for gas, etc. Poor him...he drove all the way down there. My mom was in the hospital 12 days he only saw her once before surgery for a few minutes.....never came back (hospital is 3 miles from home). Says it was because he was "told" not to visit or call her.....my other brother asked him not to stress her out for money, etc or to call during the night. So he tells everyone he wasn't alllowed to visit so he came blame us for his lazyness in not visiting.

Okay, back to his call yesterday, I tell her I do not believe he is at the beach. He never goes down there anyway. He has my numbers and my brothers....he would have called looking for her. She calls my other brother to come get me so we can go to her house......see if he is there....and get her credit cards out of a locked cabinet (because he found out they were there). We go to her house. He isn't there, but still know he is the area. The house is absolutely trashed. I mean trashed. We know this has been ongoing, but she avoids us coming to her house at all costs. I can't even begin to describe how bad the house is! Trash, cig butts and burns, broken tv on the floor broken curtain rods, food and grit all over the kitchen.....dishes stacked 12 inches above the sink, and stack across all counters. Carpet is absolutely ruined in 90% of the house with food and who knows what kind of stains. It stinks of cigs. There is a huge knife (not a kitchen knife) on her bed where he has been sleeping.....the only bed in the 4 bedroom home that you can actually sleep on (others loaded with clothes and junk). I wish I could take a picture so you could see the devistation.

She told us over and over again to not say anything about the mess (she knew it would be bad). She allows him to scream and rant and rave at her, but if we say anything to him or yell at him......we pay with her vengence and "cutting us off". We come back to our house.....tell her nice as we can that he is ruining her house and health. She is our mom, and what would she do if one of her sisters/brothers was doing this to her mom. She would have a cow! My mom is EXTREMELY indepentant and stubborn. She starts crying that she can't kick him out......she can't! We never asked her to do this....we asked to find a way to get him out. We suggested he live in a condo my other brother owns that is empty. She said "no" he doesnt' like it there.....he gets lonely. She then said we need to sit him down as a family and tell him we love him.....and that he needs rehab. But we (my other brother and me) can't control ourselves (meaning let him scream and curse at us) to have this family meeting. I take that to mean she thinks all of this is our fault???

Okay, after all this talk about not making life so easy for him. Stop giving him everything he needs....okay he give him a bed....he can eat what she cooks.....that is it! Stop the gas, money, and 2 cartons of cigs a week! He has no reason to get better!! She starts making out a grocery list for him! We told her he had plenty of food....tv dinners etc. But he called wanting his favorites (waffles, cookies....whatever). He was also out of cigs.....tells us to go get them.

Well, she was so upset about him......and probably more us that she was shaking...she just had major surgery. She wouldn't eat, etc. Okay, we let up and did as she said.....not worth her health. Now isn't the time. Anyway, she treated me like crap in my own home last night.....the evil eye thing.....wouldnt' accept my help, etc. I am the one her has waited on her hand and foot. I went to the hospital and stayed with her for 17 hours post op when she was having trouble breathing. I helped her every day. I have prepared her meals and washed her clothes. How dare she allow him to treat her that way.....and all I do for her.....and one thing she gets upset at and she turns on me.

What should I do? Part of me wants to kick her to the curb.....but she is sick and she is my mother. I guess I am going to have to go clean the filth in her home.......how do I let her return to that in her condition?

Any advice, please.

theonlydaughter

By the way, if we don't get the gas for him, groceries and cigs.....she will leave and go back to him and the mess. She is really sick right now....no energy and can barely stand up straight.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hi and welcome. In my opinion some situations are bigger than we are. Your mom obviously has some enabling issues with her son. You have some too in my opinion with her as well. Sometimes you need to back away from an impossible situation. You want to help your mom through this health crisis you can or you can get her professional help, rehabilitation facility, nursing help in the home. Make sure you have covered your bases to get her well and then let them go. They do not want help right now, they do not see it. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I am not meaning to be harsh I was an enabler and a codependent and still am to a point. My mom bled me dry for years financially and I allowed it to happen. When I pulled the plug she came kicking and screaming into reality to coin a phrase from an old counselor of mine, and guess what she survived. We cannot change anyone. You can only do as much as you can but if it interferes with your inner peace and lifestyle then you must seek outside help and/or let go. This is a painful position you are in and you sound like you know deep down that you can't fix this so maybe you know the answer for you and you just don't know it. I wish you peace.

Grasshopper

My Dear,
the merry-go-round,goes round and round until someone changes.
Your brother has taken Mom hostage,from the sounds of it.
You Mom,unwittenly has taken you hostage,too.If you dont do what is expected,Mom sends that evil eye.I know that eye,it can stop a ten day clock on its tracks.My Mom use to use it,i understand.
All i know for sure,is that when i started living in the 12 steps of recovery programsThrough the Grace of God,I became stronger,to make those tough decisions,and actions that i need to make.I can't change others,but i can change.I can realize that i AM powerless over people,places and things.I can change my attitudes.I can let folks live and let live ,without them taking me hostage,and for me,doing things that i know is just not the things for me to do.And have peace with it.
The question is,why would Mom,and or brother change anything,if its working?Sending that evil eye,works!!!.Brother screaming works!!!.
Nothing changes,until someone makes changes.
Pray and asking for God,s will..only.I don't know what to do,but i can listen,and support you.And suggest Al-anon.Its one super great recovery program.
My prayers are with you and your family.

BohemiMamaof3

First, Hi and welcome to the board. There are some parellells in yours and my situation. I have a 35 yr. old ‘baby’ Abrother (also into drugs), and our mom is also 72! You can search for my old posts if you want to get more familiar with my situation. Anyway, our Mom was more inclined in the past to help and enable my Abrother, but through trial and error - she came to the place where she realized here helping wasn’t helping. Same with me and my husband. This was after years of the lies, cheating, stealing, helping him get in and out of re-habs & programs, visiting him in the hospital, writing and sending money the numerous times he was in jail. You can’t make your Mom do anything, because like all of us co-dependents, we have to realize and come the place where we understand the dynamics of the situation for ourselves. My big concern though is with your Mom’s poor heath and the possibility of his living with her being a situation conducive for her to be neglected and abused. She might raise holy heck and not like it, but you and your healthy siblings might have to take steps to ensure that she is protected and cared for (power of attorney, pressing charges when he does something illegal to ya’ll). Too bad if she gripes at you all, it’s better for her to be safe and alive, with her means of support intact, rather than a victim of various crimes of her sick, addicted adult child.

atalose

Grasshopper is right, your mom and brother are getting what they want by quilt and manipulation. Your mom is a grown woman and if she allows your brother to do these things to her, that's just how it is, you can't change that, only your mother can. What's sad is your mother is not thinking beyond today, who's going to care for your brother when she is gone? She seems to be dealing with at the moment things and not looking into the future.
I would get her all the health care she needs and send her back to her home of dysfunction, that's what she knows, that's what she is used to and that's whats become comfortable to her. Tying to get her to change at this point in her life is almost impossible. Your brother certainly is not going to change when he doesn't have to, why would he change anything, he doesn't have to participate in life, his mother is doing all that for him. That leaves one other person who can change to make there life healthier, that is you. I would really suggest al-anon meetings for you and maybe your other brother. It help you understand how to manage your life better when there is the dysfunction of addiciton around you.
Many of us have been exactely where you are right now, feeling helpless and overwhelmed because someone we love is being emotionaly abused by an addict/alcoholic.
My mom was 72 when I took her to an al-anon meeting, she refused to go back because she just didn't see her own part in enabling my fathers drinking. I stayed with it, learned better ways to cope and even though my mom would not go, she has learned from my new behavior. My dad does not drink anymore but those alcoholic behaviors are still there and mom is dealing with many of them in a healthier way for herself. I love my mother very much and a big part of me was fighting her fight for her, when that's not what she was asking me to do. Accepting you can't help them is so difficult but you do get beyond that, you become stronger and healthier and don't get sucked into the drama, we learn to control our need to help.

laurie6781

I would suggest you call Adult Protection Services, every state has this department under one title or another.

They will do a home check, and will take it from there. They will get the restraining orders if needed to keep your brother away from her. They will get her into assisted living long enough for her health to improve, etc etc and they will monitor her living conditions and her life from then on. If they find her unable to make "healthy" decisions for herself, they may go to court and get you or your brother (if you are willing to do it) or someone else (a guardian ad litem) as her guardian and take the control of her daily living and finances out of her hands.

You are right, this situation is not good, it is and will continue to be a detriment to her health. You cannot fix it............................there is nothing wrong in seeking help from those that are experienced in "Elder Matters".

J M H O

Love and hugs,