Originally Posted by denny57

Yep. The lying, the cheating, the verbal abuse and almost physical abuse. The begging and pleading. The shame, guilt, anger. Manipulation on both sides. Believing love would fix it all.

Being with someone 18 years and knowing it had to end. Loving him in spite of all the heartache. Loving him with all my heart and finally, finally, understanding that letting go was best for BOTH of us. I never want to return to those days of crying in a fetal position - but I understand them.

I hope everyone new will come to understand there can be serenity and happiness on the other side of the insanity.

Originally Posted by StandingStrong

For the newbies here, I wanted to share.

I loved him.....I worried about him....I was anxious and stressed....I spent countless hours alone....I was neglected.

I tried to talk to him....I tried to lead him to help (AA/counseling & God). I tried to reason with him, I tried to bargain, and I tried to control his alcohol consumption.

I cried alot, I begged him to stop, I guilted him, I yelled at him, and I drove myself insane wishing that he'd get his act together. I stressed about things, I took care of things, I became a great enabler.

I put faith in his words, I believed his promises, and I clung to the belief that "this time" would be the time he'd finally stop. I hung onto hope each time I was given a small ray of things getting better. And in the end, I'd always feel that heartbroken disappointment as things returned to their normal pattern.

I accepted many things I shouldn't have. I accepted that this was our life and that this was how it was. This life became "normal".

I eventually began to believe that his drinking was my fault. I believed that if I were prettier, a better person, a better wife, etc - that he wouldn't treat me like this. I believed the verbal abuse and I believed that I was to blame. I blamed myself, I felt guilt, and I was sad, depressed, and heartbroken.

Any of this sounding familiar?

Sometimes I believe that some of us on this board come across as cold, unemtional, and even heartless to new members. We've come to a place in our recoveries where we see things differently, we feel differently, etc. But I remember clearly thinking that I wouldn't forget where I'd been and how I felt because I wanted the new members here to know that they were understood. I'd been there and I know the hurt.

Today, I view things differently than I once did. My life is not the same as it was once. But it took a lot of time and alot of pain to get where I am. I am not done growing either - my journey of recovery will be a life-long effort. The scars that I carry with me for having lived with an alcoholic are for life, the life that I had loving an alcoholic and losing myself will forever be a part of who I am and will affect me forever. My life did not turn upside down overnight and will not be fixed in one day either. It's a process.

For those of you that are new here.....please believe that we all came here with questions, hurts, and pain. We each came here seeking answers and seeking to find a way to relieve ourselves of the pain that we felt. While our stories may not all be the exact same, there are many similarities between us.

While you may have felt once that no one understood - you will find understanding here. While you may not always feel that anyone really "gets it", believe me when I tell you that we "get it". While you may often times feel alone - you are not alone!!!!!

We really do care!!!

Originally Posted by Lovelife4me

Question!!!!! Is there absolutely no staying with the alcoholic boyfriend/husband/girlfriend??? Like it can't be fixed?

Originally Posted by velma929

Define "fixed."

If you are willing to tolerate a partner who is very limited in what he or she provides to you in the way of affection, respect, support, go ahead and stay.

If you are willing to be a caretaker for someone because she can't hold a job, or sleep without wetting the bed, or put dirty clothes in the hamper instead of all over the floor, if that is acceptable as a lifestyle for you, then stay.

If you are willing to do the driving every time you go someplace, because your partner will drink to excess, stay.

If you are willing to have your life limited to events where there is drinking, because your partner can't go without, or you are willing to do lots of things alone because your partner won't go unless booze is involved, that's your choice.

Keep in mind that your partner may eventually lose his/her job, and may eventually be unable to hold down any employment at all. If you make enough money to provide both of you in a lifestyle which appeals to you, that's fine.

You can love someone so much it hurts, and that won't change him, won't quell her desire to drink, won't make him want sobriety, won't change how many bottles she hides around the house.

My husband died eight years ago. The man I married started disappearing years before he died. And I love him, still.