dollydo

Amber,

My only response is:

We, the victim, come out on top, by letting go, by moving forward with our lives.

We must take baby steps, it takes along time to turn the corner. We are so beaten down, that we lose our momentum.

I agree about losing someone, the hardest thing I had to accept was that I had lost him long before he physically left.

Make your Holiday Season Special,

Dolly

sisterray

I am a newcomer, but in no way a newcomer to all the pain I know I can avoid, but don't. I have been with him for years. He treats me like a best friend at times and like the stupidest person he knows at other times. I love him, I hate his guts. We have a baby (11 mo.) He's in jail again, for being stupid and drinking on probation for drinking on probation for drinking....on and on. Three months this time. Drank the mortgage payment before he left. I went to jail to visit him and he yelled at me through the glass. Our visit lasted 12 minutes before he left. Still I can't seem to get my **** together enough to stop it all. I will wind up letting him back in, because I may believe his ******** and miss him while he is gone. He will be good for a month or so. Seeing what I have just typed-I feel like the biggest loser. But I don't stop. I know I need to end it, but whenever it comes time to do it-I don't. I know you all have been there-where do I start?

luvmyfam

As a newbie I see why others see the long time posters as cold and heartless.
This is rediculous. But in all honestly, true. for me.
It's because I want to come here and find answers. happy answers. not answers of how just you have survived and grown. but happy little answers how you and your loved ones made it through and everything is okay. And it's not that way.
I want someone to tell me how to get my husband back. I want someone to tell me what to do!
And thats not what I find here. truth, yes. maybe it's a truth i'm not ready to accept yet. or maybe i just still believe there is some hope. I'm not sure. I appreciate your help and honesty and input but part of the reality of where this is and what the likelyhood is is all too much.
saying that, i greatly appreciate everything from everyone on here.

denny57

Wow, what a statement.

luvmyfam

If you read my entire post and not just the first line yuo would see how I explain why I understand they feel this but also why it is not true.

deax

I understand this. Sometimes I hear myself saying things to people on here... like in a post I made 5 seconds ago... and I can't believe I'm saying these things. Because there was a time I never woud have thought or even dreamed of doing half the things I say and do nowadays. So now I understand most of those people who I thought were so mean and bitter in the beginning a little better. And maybe some people still are-- hell, I know I'm still bitter, I admit it, and to some extent I think that may even be normal at various stages in this process, because reality when it comes to addiction is a really bitter pill to swallow, especially for sooo many of us who had our hopes so high and devoted so much of ourselves into creating this miracle that we come to find out is impossible for us to grant someone else no matter how HARD we try. But with the recovery that we're doing for ourselves-- recovery from codependency and self-esteem issues and denial and pretty much overhauling our entire lives- it's not just a cliche that it's a process. I've taken a couple baby steps only so far, but I already see a change in my thinking. Already I'm saying things that sometimes still sound surprising to myself, lol.... Which is good. So I think the road from 'mean' to 'reality' is really just one of perspective based on where you are standing in the process at that moment in time. If that makes sense.

denny57

Hi luv

I read your entire post, more than several times. You say, "in all honesty, true for me." Another thing that hit a nerve with me is you seem to be speaking for "others."

I don't bring it up to argue it or criticize. It hits a nerve for a reason and I'm looking at that. I went back and read all your posts and I see what a struggle you've been having. I hope you find comfort here that will help. My experience has been that every person on this board has a heart full of love and compassion.

Take care.

sisterray

I just found this place the other day, and have been reading constantly. But I too am still at a place where I think there should be a happy ending to this movie. Deep inside my brain, I know there most likely wont be. But I am not ready to give up on him yet. It seems like many have let go of their using partners. Does it ever work out for anyone? Or am I doomed to just give up and try to pick up the pieces? I too want to hear something positive, like just one persons husband came around and they still are together and happy. On the other hand I realize the reality that it probably almost always turns out as a sad ending movie. Lori

ladybug34

This is so true,i cant believe i once lived my life just like that,I woke up one morning after 15yrs and 2 kids and said enough.I loved him,i believed him,i needed him,i couldnt breath without him.but i was scared of him,getting druged up and finding me and the kids and taking them away.weekends going to see him in jail,nights my son would tell me this time will be diffent,knowing it wouldnt be.being gone for 2yrs locked up and going back after 6 months.i did what i did at the end for my childen,myself and the sake of being safe.i belived one day he would be ok,my love didnt do it ,the kids didnt do it.he has to be clean for hisself.maybe one day he can,he will always be in my life cause of the kids,and i do believe maybe one day he will be ok,but for today im living my life for me and my 13yr,6yr old.and im gonna be happy and learn to live a life without drugs and lies,broken promies,i was so used to living that life,but im taking it day by day and i wont go back.

*:distruction:*

i stumbled over this website and i read some of your posts today and i thought that you could be someone who can answer a problem of mine that i've been fighting for the past 2 weeks... I've had a few experiences with drugs but i've never became an addict... I recently found out that for the past two weeks i've been taking my boyfriend to a Methadone Clinic here at home and then on sunday night i would drive him to Beckley, West Virginia to another methadone clinic... Him trying to get help is not my problem... it is his reasoning behind going to these clinics... He told me he had heart problems and that was the reason he had to go everyday to a clinic near home, and he had to get his medication up in beckley which was where he used to live when he was married... I found out different when my mother came to me and told me what the clinic was... i asked around and everyone told me the same thing... i confronted him about it and he blew up on me saying i never trusted him, which i did very much so... long story short... i took him to beckley yesterday morning.. we had to be there at 5am.. i asked a young girl coming out of the clinic what that place was and she told me that it was a methadone clinic, and gave me alot of info about it.. how much the methadone costed a day, what kind of programs there were and all that.. i was baffled and shocked by everything that she told me... and she said she knew who i was with because she said she overheard a convo with him and one of his buddies saying that he was afraid i was going to find out, and i was out in the car waiting on him... The reason i'm writing you with all of this is i'm ready to confront him again about this situation... I've never had to do this before, so its a scary thought to me... I'm afraid to loose him, and i don't want him to think i'm judging him for his mistakes... You seemed to be pretty knowledgable about alot of this... We were making plans on having children and all that great stuff, but i can't put something like this behind me.. i hope you can give me some advice on how to go about talking to him without him getting angry at me or blowing up... thanks so much... and if you can't help me, i still want to thank you for your time

*Destruction*

Cynay

*:distruction

I copied this post and put it in the main part of the form. I did not want you or your post to get lost in this one.

Welcome to SR.

dogandbooklover

Oh, wow! After reading your post I knew I had to answer. The first half of your post could have been written by me. I know all of those feelings inimately.

I have been married to my best friend, lover, and soul mate for almost 13 years and we've been together for over 16. He always drank, but it steadily escalated through the years. I know he is an alcoholic and I know he suffers from depression. I love him more than anything ,so of course, that means I always try to figure out what I did wrong.

" I KNOW that he is not an alcolholic because of me, but BELIEVING it is much harder. My AH (I am assuming this stands for Alcoholic Husband) is all I've ever wanted and most of the time things are great. He drinks to excess almost everyday. He is not physically abusive, but is verbally at times. Of course, he blames me and it hurts like hell when he says that. I can deal with so much, but sometimes I feel like just giving up and throwing in the towel. But, how do you do that when you love each more than anything? He loves me, I know this, he is affectionate (almost all of the time) and I don't remember a day ever going by when he didn't tell me that he loves me. And then there are those days when he admits that something is wrong and he promises to fix the problem. And he usually tries, but nothing lasts for more than a few days at the most. I know that I must 'nag', but sometimes it's the only thing I can think to do. I know it doesn't work or help, but I feel like I have to do SOMETHING. If I say there's a problem enough times then he'll see it and fix it for good.

I always hear about abuse, lying, cheating, etc., but these are not issues with us. The things that are the hardest for me to deal with are:

1) The fact that we hardly ever sleep together in the same bed. I am not talking about sex, but about not physically being in the same bed together for sleep. When he drinks he snores like you wouldn't believe. I've worn earplugs for years, but they don't seem to cut it anymore. When he snores I can not sleep. Period. He knows that if he doesn't drink he doesn't snore. Shouldn't that be enough reason not to drink? So your can sleep peacefully in the same bed as your wife?

2) I never quite know from one day to the next what his mood will be like. Most days are good, but then some tiny thing will set him off and he becomes this other person. There's no violence just one minute everything is fine and the next I've done something so horrendous that the infamous line of "this is why I drink" is uttered. And the contradictions! Literally, one day he's saying that our relationship is the best thing that ever happened to him and the next he doesn't understand why we've together so long. He'll say personal things that cut to the core and like any normal person will do, I take them personally. It's hard not to take personal things personally. The next day he is usually sorry, (he doesn't normally say the words), but I know by his actions. I try to point out that his mean behaviour only starts after episodes of much drinking. He does not act that way when he is not drinking heavily. He's a smart, intelligent man. Why can't he see the connection? But, then again, there are times when he does see the connection and wants to make everything better. It's just so HARD!

I'm not looking for any sugar-coated answers or replies. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance. I want to know that there are other women out there who have gone through the same sort of circumstances. I want to know that one day we'll be able to go to bed together in the same bed and get a real night's rest. I want to know that his contradictions are absolutely because of his drinking and not because he is unhappy with the life we have together. I want to know that it's possible to be happily married even though my husband is and always will be an alcoholic. Hopefully, one day recovering. I want to better learn how to react to his mood swings and how not to be a 'nag'. I want to be the absolute best wife that I can be to my best friend.

ladybug34

my heart goes out to you,ive been there.I remember the first time i heard about the cli .mine said he had to get methadone to get of oxyicoten,methadone is just as bad.I would keep my eyes open,do what your gut tells you,thats always true.becarful,Its so easy for us to get fooled.dont always listen to your heart.BE SAFE

4-kids

Married 23 years. Pretty much dealing with his drinking the whole time. Very tired of this lifestyle. Came home from a family get-together for Christmas where he drank so much to come home and "take" our daughter's car to drink some more. Son and daughter took off and found it and brought the car back home but pretty much didn't care about him. They are old enough now and understand what I've been through. (What a relief to have them understand but very angry they have to go through it). Two younger ones see but don't truly understand. Used to love him so much, now can't stand to look at him. Tired of the rollercoaster feelings of thinking things are getting better and then.....not. Don't understand how someone who has so much can't see it. I can completely understand how some of your replies you've been talking about can come off as bitter. I'm very bitter. His tears, words, actions don't mean a thing anymore. He's pathetic. But I'm still here or he's still here. Why? He's a good person, father, friend but that's it. Our marriage is gone. Most of the time you can count on him for work, help with kids, car, some stuff around the house....but as a husband and wife we are through. I could throw up at the thought of getting intimate with him. Why can't he take care of himself....stop drinking, smoking, and do something for his health? He's had two DUIs in about 12 years. We cannot afford another one. I thank God for my children every day and I know things could be 100% worse. We all have our health and that's all that matters. I'm not being abused, I have a roof over my head, etc. I'm glad I found this site. I plan to come back daily.

wufspirit

YOU GO! Its tetimonies/stories like your that keep me going, hopefully. Knowing there are happy ensings (beginnings?) Much Thanks

Cynay

4-Kids welcome to SR.

I copied your post and started a new thread to introduce you to the family. I would not want you getting lost.

GirlInterrupted

Your post describes what i am going threw perfectly. But i am at the point where i see there is a problem but can't believe it. I am still believe it is my fault && when he said "no one else could ever love you so have fun trying to leave me" and then left me himself, it kind of makes me feel like not even he could love me.

How long did it take you to get to "the other side" of things?

I am a newbie..
bare with me.

but i know i need help just as much as he does. cause right now i need to save myself before i can keep trying to save him.

tootiredmom

OH my! This is me and this is almost three or four years into getting through all my those feelings and now 1 and 1/2 years away from him. I read the first post and thought someone was typing a story about my life! It gets lots better.... If you follow the steps and the advise in here and keep on keep'n on.

Stellargirl

OH MY GOSH, light bulb just went on in my head. Maybe that is why I dated my ex...to learn how to let go of being co-dependent. nicely put, justme2007.

FormerDoormat

Another good thread that used to be posted as a sticky in Classic Reading.