sarah4770

My name is sarah, I have been with my A bf on and off for the last ten years.
I would really appreciate your input. I am feeling very guilty.
My A drives when he drinks. All the time. He drives around , drinking in his company vehicle. I don't ever ride with him when he drinks. his license is suspended, and has been for quite a while, due to many violations.
Well this past weekend, he showed up outside the store I was shopping at, he was very, very drunk. He was in a blackout, you could see it in his eyes. He was driving.
I have been growing increasingly alarmed for him and everyone else on the road. I e-mailed his employer. I told them what was happening. I attached some proof that he does not have drivers lic, and ttold them he has been drinking and driving in their vehicle. Now I am scared, feel guilty, overall, feel very bad that I "told on him", yet at the same time, if I do nothing, I would feel guilty too. I would like some feedback. Do you think what I did was reasonable or horrible?

IrshIzNotSmilin

Reasonable and responsible. You know that he could harm others and/or himself. You are saving the people he comes in contact with everyday. The innocent citizens who did not ask to be hurt or killed. You are preventing future events that could alter his life and the lives of others. Seems pretty reasonable to me.

Cynay

I was watching the news this morning....

In another town close to mine a man was driving drunk and ran into another car. It was a Grandmother with her daughter and 6 month old Grandchild in the car. Its my understanding that the Mother and 6 month old did not make it.

What to you think? What does your gutt tell you. Did you do the right thing?

mfisher

You did the right thing.

Ngokpa

It would be good to go to Al-Anon and take a look at your relationship with this guy. Someone who puts drinking above the safety of others has his priorities dangerously skewed.

sarah4770

Thank you everyone. I do online al-anon, but maybe I should start attending ftf meetings. Sometime I just doubt myself, and I think maybe his employer will think I am a little nuts, because I had said something to them a few years back and nothing came of it. I just needed a little reinforcement, because I know when bf finds out I said something , he will be very upset. Once he stars drinking, his judgement goes out the window.

parentrecovers

my daughter had a car accident last month. she was in a total alcohol and drug blackout. drove over 2 miles with police chasing her before hitting an inbankment and being stopped. almost hit a pedestrian and a bicyclist. a city size lamp post hit the roof of car. broke through a store front and glass everywhere. the front of car smashed up to the windshield. every tire flat. when i saw the car at the pound, i threw up for the rest of the day. she was not seriously injured, and we have no idea how or why not. i'm glad she won't drive again for a long long time, if ever.

i say - you ABSOLUTELY did the best thing.

BohemiMamaof3

I agree, you absolutely did the right thing. But you won't be popular for it, but don't let that discourage you. You may have saved countless lives.

denny57

I think you did the right thing, because it isn't about him - it's the people you've potentially saved from him.

StandingStrong

You've been with him off and on for 10 years.
You are highly concerned with what he's doing.
And obviously feel that his drinking is causing you some stress & unhappiness.
You feel scared, guilty, etc (You might want to look into "codependancy").

Have you stopped to think about why you've been off and on again over the 10 years? Perhaps it's just not going to work out? And having the feelings and concerns you have now - do you wish to continue to have these kind of feelings in a relationship?

sarah4770

Have you stopped to think about why you've been off and on again over the 10 years? Perhaps it's just not going to work out? And having the feelings and concerns you have now - do you wish to continue to have these kind of feelings in a relationship?[/quote]


I think most people post on a board like this because, very simply, we love them.
People stay for all kinds of reasons.
Could be money, could be kids, could be we are finishing a degree,
If you've left your A, doesn't mean you are "more well" than those of us who haven't.
I personally am on and off because I need to distance myself when his disease tries to hurt me.
This works best for ME.
Finding my own way, my own path.
Doesn't mean I am weak.
Doesn't mean I suffer from "codependency"
I love an alcoholic. It is as simple as that.
One day at a time.

Tally

You definately did the right thing. You have nothing to feel guilty about, say he knocked someone down and killed them...you'd feel alot more guilty then.

If his employer does nothing I'd suggest informing the police.

denny57

Nothing is simple about loving an alcoholic. You say some interesting things here that caught my eye.

Imagine the alcoholic saying this:
I drink because I like the taste of alcohol and the way it makes me feel. I drink for a lot of reasons, my job is stressful, my wife and kids need so much. I'm not as sick as Jim over there because I don't barf in the bushes. When I've gone too many days in a row, I quit for a couple. Just because you've chosen sobriety doesn't make you more "well" than me. This drinking is working for me. Doesn't mean I'm weak and doesn't mean I'm dependent on it. I just love it, that's all. It really is that simple. I've found a path that works for me.

You seem to have found a way that works for you. I'd suggest taking the time to consider why the guilt was so strong over what you did. I now understand that if I were to call AH's employer and tell them he was driving a company vehicle while drunk, that is a co-dependent act. Plain and simple.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

sarah4770

Maybe it was a codependent act. I am not defending that what I did was the right thing to do. But at the same time, I felt that saying nothing might make me guilty should he kill someone on the road. That is why I was and am feeling so torn.
But I just don't think that anyone has the right to imply that anyone should leave their relationship/child/parent. Maybe I am not ready to do that. Maybe I never will be. But I don't see how "shaming" someone, because they love an alcoholic helps thier recovery in any way.

mallowcup

You did the right thing. he put you in a positon to be a part of his lie or a part of the truth that may save someones life. There is also the liabiltiy factor. If you made his employer aware, it is up to them to act ont heir own behalf. They may well say something to him but not reveal who told them. If he's out driving drunk, it could have been anyone who told. I would take it a step further if it continues, I'd take this to the police along with a copy of the email you sent. Some family may not have to look into a casket becasue you did the right thing. It is his choice to drive drunk.

deax

Hi Sarah. I don't think anyone had any intention of shaming you, or anyone here, for staying with their addicted partners. There are plenty of people here who have chosen to stay. But since recovery involves putting yourself and your own needs first, the question was probably as to whether you are happy having to make these sorts of decisions, feeling guilty about your decisions, and getting caught up in the worry tied to whether your bf might kill someone. Regardless of whether or not you did the "right" thing (which I think you did, even if it is codependent), I think the question was just meant to shed light on the question of whether you're happy with this situation. Which we've all here had to ask ourselves at one point or another.

And don't take offense to this because I mean none, but I've had my feelings hurt and have been offended more than once on this board. With a few exceptions, almost every one of those times was a situaiton in which I reacted strongly because whatever was said struck a nerve in me. And I still watch my own reactions to things people say for that very reason. This is hard stuff.

mfisher

Many times we shame ourselves when we are willing to accept the unacceptable. If your bf was a stranger and was driving drunk would you have felt guilty about calling him in? Many times in loving an A my values were compromised and over time I lost who I was.
I disagree that what you did was a co dependant act. A codependant act would have been driving him home, rescuing him, or making excuses for him to his boss or covering for him.
You stood your ground, you didn't compromise your values, no matter what the consequences. Whether you stay with him or not is not the issue, it is how you keep true to yourself. If you stay on this path the answers will come more easily.

mallowcup

The lines in codependent behavior is a vague one sometimes. You wouldn't want to look back having done nothing and acting against your better judgement. If you came to me after your husband ran over one of my loved ones and told me you would have told but didn't want to appear as a codependent, I'd probably punch you. At the end of the day, it's your face in the mirror.

Minx1969

Here's the thing:

As hard as this is, it's his life to live or destroy...So if he runs people over, while drunk it's his choices that he made.

By trying to preventing something from happening, you are still enabling his behavior and not allow him to suffer the consequences. You can't control everything, I leave that up to god.

When will YOU stop cleaning up his messes? Are you going to follow him every where he drives trying to prevent him from harming someone else?

I see how this is a difficult place to be in but I'd agree with Denny here - it was very codependent.

atalose

I think you did the right thing. Now its up to his employer as to whether or not he continues to drive.
You need to do what is best for you and what makes you feel better about y ourself. I can understand you feeling quilty about telling on him but imagine how you would be feeling by not telling. You have to weight what feels best and go with your instinks. I think al-anon on line is great but meeting also allow you to really connect with other people. Keep doing what is best for you, do what works, stick with wanting to feel good about yourself and your decisions, because I think you made one good decison about his driving. Hang in there...