Money
let it grow!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
Money
My daughter is 22 and in inpatient rehab - been there almost 30 days now. I visit it her on the weekends. I'm starting to resent having to take her out during my visits for personal supplies etc. She has no money, and is relying right now on my husband and I for financial support. I'm in Alanon, and I know I have to take care of MYSELF, my needs and feelings. But it's difficult when she cannot provide anything for herself as far as material things. She has at least another month of treatment, which will come out of pocket. Then, she is facing lawyer and legal fees for a DUI when she gets out. She can find at least part time work pretty quickly she gets home, but that's awhile out, and I'm not getting a sense that a job is at the top of her release goals plan. She is a terrible money manager. And she seems to feel so entitled to ours.
Today, I feel angry. HELP!
Today, I feel angry. HELP!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
The sense of entitlement - it can drive me mad! Are the things she is buying absolute essentials? Where was she before she went into rehab? Does she own a car that could be sold? It's a tough one, because she feels entitled to your money, and you keep buying for her - so where is the incentive to take care of herself. Have you set any boundaries for when she is out and on her own?
When I'm feeling angry (or any other extreme emotion) I up my meetings and make more phone calls.
Take care.
When I'm feeling angry (or any other extreme emotion) I up my meetings and make more phone calls.
Take care.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((parent))))
It is very possible that cleaning up her own mess is not on your Ds agenda. It seems that you have already started that job for her. There are free rehabs ya know some of them are the same ones parents and families are paying for.
I hope you will back way off from visiting her and taking care of her needs. I think she needs to find out that she is the on responsible for her actions, body, health, living, and the sooner the better so this cycle ends...I don't blame you one bit for feeling angry and even hurt take good care of you...
It is very possible that cleaning up her own mess is not on your Ds agenda. It seems that you have already started that job for her. There are free rehabs ya know some of them are the same ones parents and families are paying for.
I hope you will back way off from visiting her and taking care of her needs. I think she needs to find out that she is the on responsible for her actions, body, health, living, and the sooner the better so this cycle ends...I don't blame you one bit for feeling angry and even hurt take good care of you...
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
why should she put getting a job as a top priority.
You are enabling her so that she doesnt need to earn money.
See the point?
Enabling = removing the want, desire and need to do for oneself. If you agreed to pay for her rehab, by all means, do so. Did it have strings attached? If so, uh oh, youre in trouble.
Who says you have to pay her legal bills? Did you cause her the legal problems? Would you like her to learn how to take care of HER consequences? If so, step to the side, let her put her big girl panties on and tke care of em. Give her love, support and encouragement.
The rest is up to God. And his craftsmanship is superb.
You are enabling her so that she doesnt need to earn money.
See the point?
Enabling = removing the want, desire and need to do for oneself. If you agreed to pay for her rehab, by all means, do so. Did it have strings attached? If so, uh oh, youre in trouble.
Who says you have to pay her legal bills? Did you cause her the legal problems? Would you like her to learn how to take care of HER consequences? If so, step to the side, let her put her big girl panties on and tke care of em. Give her love, support and encouragement.
The rest is up to God. And his craftsmanship is superb.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
What essentials can she possibly need every week??? You buy her One big bottle of Suave Shampoo and One Big Bottle of Conditioner, One deodorant, One Big tube of toothpaste and one container of dental floss, oh and a new tooth brush. Anything else, she doesn't need right now.
Al-anon teaches us to set boundaries. What boundaries have you set with her? Just because "she expects" to use your money doesn't mean she can. This is wake up time for her, and possibly you..........she has to take responsibility for her actions. She has to figure out what she is going to do. All you can do is tell her that....................you will not help her. Now what is she going to do about it.
I have told this story before and I guess it's time to tell it again. In January of 1979 my parents told me in no uncertain terms that they were through with me. If I called on the phone they would hang up and if I came to the door it would be closed in my face. And they stuck to their guns. I was 33 and 1/2 years old. It took me until June of 1981, yep 2 and 1/2 more years to finally seek recovery.
Oh when they did that I was madder than hell at them. I 'hated' them, I would 'never, ever talk to them again, even if they want to' etc etc. Later, after I got sober and had sent them a letter from the Recovery House where I was living, giving them my current information, my Mom actually called me and said she hoped that I continued down my new path, and to contact her in a year if I was still sober.
By then I understood a bit, and did not contact her until I was over a year sober. Mom and I later talked about what had transpired and she told me that denying me contact was the HARDEST thing she had ever done, but that she had to do it for her OWN SANITY, that if she had not done it she would have ended up in a mental hospital.
As hard as it is, I know that the point comes when it is time to say "enough is enough." Having been on both sides of the street, 25+ years sober and 22+ years in Al-anon has taught me a lot. I can only carry the message, I cannot carry the afflicted.
Please continue to let us know how YOU are doing, we do care a lot!!!!! Your daughter has to find her own road now................Mom and dad can be verbally supportive, but not financially.
We do care.
Love and hugs,
Al-anon teaches us to set boundaries. What boundaries have you set with her? Just because "she expects" to use your money doesn't mean she can. This is wake up time for her, and possibly you..........she has to take responsibility for her actions. She has to figure out what she is going to do. All you can do is tell her that....................you will not help her. Now what is she going to do about it.
I have told this story before and I guess it's time to tell it again. In January of 1979 my parents told me in no uncertain terms that they were through with me. If I called on the phone they would hang up and if I came to the door it would be closed in my face. And they stuck to their guns. I was 33 and 1/2 years old. It took me until June of 1981, yep 2 and 1/2 more years to finally seek recovery.
Oh when they did that I was madder than hell at them. I 'hated' them, I would 'never, ever talk to them again, even if they want to' etc etc. Later, after I got sober and had sent them a letter from the Recovery House where I was living, giving them my current information, my Mom actually called me and said she hoped that I continued down my new path, and to contact her in a year if I was still sober.
By then I understood a bit, and did not contact her until I was over a year sober. Mom and I later talked about what had transpired and she told me that denying me contact was the HARDEST thing she had ever done, but that she had to do it for her OWN SANITY, that if she had not done it she would have ended up in a mental hospital.
As hard as it is, I know that the point comes when it is time to say "enough is enough." Having been on both sides of the street, 25+ years sober and 22+ years in Al-anon has taught me a lot. I can only carry the message, I cannot carry the afflicted.
Please continue to let us know how YOU are doing, we do care a lot!!!!! Your daughter has to find her own road now................Mom and dad can be verbally supportive, but not financially.
We do care.
Love and hugs,
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