blizzard77

I went home (Buffalo) over the weekend for a wedding. I had a great time being with friends and family since I have no one here. AH (now 10months sober) stayed home to work, plus I needed time away for myself.
He calls me as I'm leaving the wedding to tell me he was fired (again) from his job for getting caught stealing $10.00 from a costomers credit card. I guess they didn't tip well enough for him so he decided to help himself.
We have been in marriage therapy and working on our marriage but I've had enough!!!!
I cut my trip short and came home a day early and told him I wanted him to leave. Since we live in NC and he has no where to go...no money etc he is leaving tonight on a bus to Buffalo (his mom bought the ticket). He's leaving the car (in my name) which is in rough shape so I'm not sure what to do about that yet. I already have a car so I guess I'll try to sell it!!!!
My problem is I still love my husband very much but hate the things he does..the poor choices and decisions he makes. I have been supporting him for the past year and a half as whatever money he gets, goes to child support. So, I should be happy or at least relieved, right? Wrong, I'm scared as hell. I live here alone don't have one real friend. Usually, when we'd break up before we were married we were in the same state and it was usually me begging him to come back to me. I don't do good being alone and my broken heart never seems to heal. I end up looking like a fool!!
I've been OK so far and have shown no emotion other than anger toward him but this morning I woke up and it hit me: the love of my life will be no longer in my life, our marriage is over!!!
Seaparation has come up before thus the marriage therapy but he' always said he'd fight me for the car and that this was his house too (in my name) but in the NC it don't matter it's a spousal state and spouses are entitled to half of everything. This time all he wants is to get me out of his life for good. He knows how I've behaved in past break-ups by begging him to come home because I didn't want to live with out him, problems and all. I used to get so depressed, lets just say it was bad, but then I had friends around me. I'm worried about spending all of the holidays alone ( I do have clinical depression) and am on medication but this is bound to throw me over the edge. I want to go home but I can't right now due to finances (have a home equity loan and tons of other debt) and don't want to file for bankruptcy. He's acting like he can't wait to go, meanwhile he's leaving a beautiful brick ranch with nice things (cable tv, computer and internet, all the nice extras that I bought and he enjoys) and moving to Bflo with his brother in a dump with not even a bed. He won't have a car nor a telephone because I pay his cell phone bill and I am having it shut off in one week. I agreed to keep it on so he can make the contacts he needs to once in Buffalo. We were going to wait till thursday but when I was lying in bed last night thinking I thought if I didn't do it now I'd chicken out. Him acting as if it's no big deal and my fault, is making me even more sad. I anticapate a winter full of depression, I'm scared to be alone here, I'm sad that our marriage has failed. I'm a mess!!! I feel like he's pulling some sort of power play on me. I know he don't want to go back to Bflo. He's always said he hates it there but that's the only place he has to go. He told me moving here and marrying me was the worst mistake of his life. Nice, huh after everything I have done for him and what I have put up with? This sucks!!!

splendra

((((blizzard))))

Was this a rash dession or the straw that broke the camels back? Stealing money even 10.00 on a credit card is very risky business. It is possible this is not the first time he did it...which could cause him legal problems. Maybe this is why he is so hot to leave...

Even if he is clean he seems to be still thinking like an addict could his next step be to start using again?

I know you love him. I am sorry your heart is hurting...

Alexia

Just tie a knot and hang on friend. It is devastating, I feel your pain. My AH of 19 years has officially moved in with his girlfriend today, our divorce is Wednesday, and I feel the same dread, panic and depression. You just have to reach out to your friends, even if it's only on the phone and ask them to help you. Talk about the things that were not good in your life and ask yourself do you really want to live that way forever? I know I dont, and believe me it's been bad bad bad for the last 10 years.

See a counselor, reach out, and pray. I have found that prayer is the only thing that saves my sanity at a time like this. God will never leave you!

My prayers are with you,
Alexia

mallowcup

His motivation may be in fear that he's done this before or that charges may come form this incident. He may not be leaving, he may be running. I seriously doubt that this is the first time he's done this, It may be the first time he's been caught. Let him go. If you are not happy and ther is no real reason for you to be in a place with no family support, you can move closer to home. You can pack up and move. If not maybe you can invite a relative to come and stay with you through this transition. It really doens't sound like you have enough reason to stay where you are. This may not have been your plan, but I can easily see where it may be a good thing in the long run. Being isolated with only him is not good. He's leaving for more reasons than you know. This seemingly small incident could open a can of worms that you may want to seperate yourself from. Holy smokes, the owner of the place he worked at may file charges or the owner of the credit card, (I would). This all seems scarey because he is abandoning you in a situation and a place with no one to turn to. If you could get a friend or relative to come, you could pack up and have them drive the second car. I'm sorry that you are faced with this. I really really do think in a few weeks, you could look back thankfully. I a m also so sorry that your visit home for the wedding was so rudely and selfishly cut short by his insensativity. How stupid is it to risk a job over $10.00?

mazey

Oh, Blizzard, I'm sorry you are going thru this. You have always sounded so strong, but when it hits your own heart it really hurts. You will get back to that strong place....The next few days will be tough, but then lil' thoughts of why it happened will start to enter your mind and make it a lil' easier. Day to day...the final straw/ultimate decision time is so painful. You are going thru the painful goodbye time. Good bye to him, the hopes you had, feeling the loss that comes with it all. Being alone is hard, but do reach out. Alanon, here and maybe other avenues where you live. Now, you will need to reach out, whereas while he was there, maybe you didn't need to. We're here for you. He is just being defensive and trying to put up a strong wall to leave.

thejig

praying for you Blizzard

deax

Blizzard it always sounded to me like this is what you wanted, that you always had a feeling even during marriage counseling and all the work you put in to make your marriage work that the time was getting near for you to move on with your life. I think what's happening now is it's just finally happening for real-- which is always harder and much different from the way we imagine it when we're angry or fed up or feeling in control. This happening for real is going to make you feel vulnerable and out of control for a little while, until you find yourself and your center again.

That probably applies to most of us here. But eventually the day comes where we realize we had no alternative but to do what we had to do.

Is this someone you can envision begging back? Would begging him back after he's said something like this bring your more pain, ultimately, than being alone temporarily right now? Would that be kind of embarrasing?

In my experience it was the initial hurdle that's the hardest, getting started is the worst part. In time you gain strength, clarity, and grow in love for yourself. You can take solace in knowing that God or your higher power is on your side because you're respecting yourself and doing what's right for yourself. You're more powerful than you know.

In terms of your depression, can you have family come to you for the holidays? Start working with your doc now to prevent this from pushing you over the edge? Find things to do in your area for the winter-- meetings, classes (I go to meditation classes and am looking into cooking classes, maybe an Italian class if I have the time), go to Church if you're into that, join a gym, learn the area, museums, movies, etc. Find a new hobby. Keep your mind busy while you heal and develop a new identity without him.

You just might discover your own strength and capabilities. A relationship based on NEED is not equitable, and is not a relationship based on love.

Sure sounds that way to me, too. And you have 2 choices here: You can prove him right, again. Or you can try something new this time. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and change starts with you. I had to learn this lesson myself. I kept going back for more until I started to disgust myself. Even I didn't take me seriously anymore. It got embarrassing.

This may not be forever. You may not have lost the love of your life forever, don't project too far ahead. Stay in today. At the same time, after some time elapses you may get healthier and healthier and decide you don't want what he has to offer anymore; maybe he wasn't actually the love of your life after all. Would the love of your life cause you this much pain? This may be exactly the kick in the ass he needs to see you in a new light, as someone who can't be manipulated into compliance, and take his marriage more seriously. And if not, perhaps you're better of without him; give yourself a chance.

You've always struck me as strong and smart, blizzard. Don't shortchange yourself now, when you need those assets the most. (HUGS)

queenteree

Blizzard,
Hugs to you. I feel for you, because today I am leaving my AH. I took the day off of work, and am going to a broker to find an apt. today! I truly love my husband, and he was the love of my life also, and I cried all day and night yesterday because he is not the man I married, and I know in my heart he will never stop drinking. Alcohol has drastically changed his personality. I'm not too good alone either, and I don't have many friends, but I came to the realization that it's over because I'm so very lonely, sad and depressed at times in this marriage, it really couldn't get much worse. I'm leaving a house that both me and AH own, leaving him in it, probably to not pay the mortgage or the bills, and the house will go into foreclosure, but I can't keep doing this. So it's a pretty scary thing. At least you're keeping your house. In any event, cry and greive for the loss of your husband in the sense of your marriage being over. I know you will get through this. And it does seem like it's a power play, please don't fall into that trap. Good luck to you.

denny57

(((blizzard))) you will be ok! He will say all those things - AH told me his heart was "hard and dead" against me - because he can't bear the pain. Addicts don't want to face pain, sometimes I think more so than the rest of us. You know your truth and you'll draw on that in the coming days. I was devastated, too, after 18 years together, to see it end. Being apart this last year has really helped me see how bad things had become.

Keep the focus on you and all will be ok. Walking through it is the best thing to do, even though it hurts so much.

I'm sorry you are going through this - I remember so well that panic feeling - it's awful.

Take care and keep posting. It will help you maintain your sanity.

Connie SS

Just hang on! This too shall pass. You may not have immediate friends in the town where you are, but there are Alanon meetings everywhere. I would find one, go. I also notice when I just have him & I have less hope. He sounds right after awhile. When I have input from others I can keep things in perspective. You can do this. I can't think of anything harder, but you can do this. Whatever happens you are fine & right on time. One minute at a time, one day at a time. You are the bomb!

lilac

I am so sorry for what you are going thru right now. Take one day at a time.
It does get better.