thehunger

I'm not sure what to do. I've only been with my girlfriend for 2 months. I knew that she drank when we met. She is 22 and she has already had 2 DUI's and 7 underage drinking charges before turning 21. She will go out and end up not coming home until 6am and she never remembers what happened the night before. I know that getting her help isn't going to be easy because she needs to want to stop and I know that she doesn't want to. She has had a rough life and I know that she covers her problems with drinking. When she is sober she is an amazing sweetheart, but drunk she is out of control. I worry about her all the time and at this point I know that its unfortunately going to take something major to put a stop to it. with 2 DUI's already another one will get her sent to prison. She works 2 jobs and takes online classes to keep her busy because she knows that she has a problem. Her friends don't help because they drink just as much and the ones who don't would never confront her with it. I don't know what to do. I love her unconditionally and I'm lost as to what I should do. I'm worried that I'm going to lose her because I don't drink very much. please help

mallowcup

Never love another human being unconditionally.

thehunger

prodigal

You don't know what to do because you are faced with a problem you were not given the power to control or cure. Getting her help? Honey, she doesn't want help. Are you planning to put wrist and ankle shackles on her and drag her kicking and screaming into a rehab? SHE DOES NOT WANT TO STOP DRINKING. Please explain to me what powers you possess that will make someone stop doing something they do not wish to stop doing.

You have been involved, or as you say "with" this woman for two months. That is not exactly a period of time to really know if you love her unconditionally, is it? In fact, you are already putting conditions on this situation: you want her sober. That is your condition. Her condition is she wishes to remain a drunk.

We can offer you support, but there is nobody on this board who has lived with this disease that is going to give you a recipe that will enable you to help your girlfriend.

So how about you? You are torn up. You are worried. You are a wreck. She's zoned out in laa-laa land partying with her friends. It doesn't sound as if she's particularly concerned with YOUR concerns. She is doing what she wants to do.

So you can sit at home and stew, and fret, and worry yourself to the point that you get crazy. Do you consider someone who is involved in their addiction to be someone who loves you unconditionally? You might want to consider that her true lover is the bottle. It will win out over you every time until she decides she wants to do something about getting help. If she goes to jail, she does so because it will be the consequences of her own choices.

CarolD

Hi

I suggest you read this thread to see what many here have experienced..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-my-loss.html

If you were my son I would tell you to
never get involved with drinkers.

chip

Hello Hunger,
I really feel for you.

I'm an alcoholic, and I know I've hurt my loved ones with my drinking. It's a miracle that I havn't drank for 13 months.

She works 2 jobs and takes online classes to keep her busy because she knows that she has a problem.

Are you saying that she knows she has a problem? Has she spoken with you about her problem? Has she spoken with anybody about her problem?

I worry about her all the time and at this point I know that its unfortunately going to take something major to put a stop to it.

The scary thing about this disease is that when we are drinking, we are in denial. I couldn't quit untill I was ready to quit.

If she is talking about her problem, she might come closer to the point where she can deal with it.

Keep posting on SR, and I hope you find some answers. This is a good forum for loved ones of the alcoholic. I hope she can find a way to quit drinking, but she isn't going to quit unless she wants to quit. We can't force others to drink, and we can't force them to get sober. It's a tough fact to accept.
chip

prodigal

Mallowcup has walked the walk, so she can talk the talk. If you don't want to hear what IS, then you can continue in your attempts to control an addict's behavior. None of us here have thus far been successful at doing that. If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions. Sorry. It sucks. That is the way it is, and I've been involved with alcoholics most of my adult life.

So far, I haven't found anything I can do to make anyone see the light and have some sort of cosmic revelation that will get them clean and sober.

However, I have been able to make myself behave like an insane maniac in my attempts to control and addict's behavior. Didn't work. The addict remained zoned out while I got the ulcer.

justicej

I am not qualified to give you advice. However please know that you are not alone. I know what it feels like to love somone unconditionally and want to help them in some way. The hardest part for me is to release the ones that I love to heal themselves. I have found the strength to do so in alanon/aca. There are others here who will come along to give the requested help. Hang in there, we are here together.

parentrecovers

Oh, I certainly feel what you are going through. My daughter is 22 and an alcoholic and has already had 2 DUIs. She is in rehab now, which makes me hopeful. But I've learned that there are no garauntees and nothing I can do to control the disease. I suggest you attend Alanon meetings. And this might be off the program a bit, but do you know your girlfriend's family and could they be helped from a call from you? As a mother of a 22 year old, I sure would appreciate any help her friends might be able to provide.

Just my thoughts, good luck - K

justme2007

All I can say is go to Al-Anon. Loving an alcoholic or addict can by VERY destructive to yourself if you don't adopt the proper approach/perspective. There is no amount of love you can give her that will make her want to stop. If anything, she will wonder why you put up with her and quite possibly willl lose respect for you if you continue.

["I'm a liar and a cheater and I use women. Why do you want to be with me anyway?" is what my former bf said. He must have thought I was nuts - - and I was!!] . . . but NOT because As are bad people, they're sick people.

You deserve to be happy. Until she's ready to stop (could be never), you will only get caught up in the insanity and be unhappy. Be good to yourself and let go. By hanging on, you are NOT helping her. :-)

FormerDoormat

I agree. Never love anyone other than yourself unconditionally.

abtchonamission

Hi hunger. Only you can decide what is right for you. There is nothing you can do to change the choices she makes, but there's plenty you can do for yourself...

Take a little time to read the sticky posts at the beginning of this forum, and also at the beginning of the Nar-anon forum - they're filled with a lot of really good information, including stuff on detachment and setting boundaries. Also, you might want to look into finding an Al-anon meeting near you - if your choice is to stick by this girl through this, you'll probably do yourself a favor by getting some face to face support...as well as the support that can be found here at Sober Recovery.

Most importantly, make sure that you take care of you, okay? If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be any good to anyone else.

Hugs,
Trisha

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... we are very glad you found us....

When I was going throught the beginnings of pain in the relationship with my ex-abf I was so crazy about him that I wanted to believe the best of him... and he really was an amazing man.... we connected on so many levels. I kept thinking of what his "potential" was cuz I could see it during our sober good times.... and at times we would party together and have a blast.

What I found though is that I could not live my life based on potential because I was making up what could be in my head not about what actually was. As time went on I found myself acting as crazy as him if not more. I was the one obsessing, trying to clean up the mess and just reacting... I was not choosing anything I was reacting to what he did and how I could clean it up and make things right for him.

What took me over a year to learn in Al-anon was that I was only doing him a dis-service. I was trying to "help" him with a problem only I had. He did not have a problem, he liked to drink and did not think twice about the harm he might cause.... It was myself that wanted him to change and I realized that it was pretty selfish of me to try and make him something he was not to fit my mold. Im not say what he was doing was healthy or making good choices... what Im saying is right or wrong they are his choices to make.

Take a peek around... Everyone here started where you are today. We are all at different places in our personal pain and recovery so you will get many different responses. One thing I learned early on is to take what you want and leave the rest.... Also it helped to know that I did not cause it, I can not control it and I cant cure it..... There are alot of wise people here and some great tools for living with an alcoholic.... I know many that do and can say that ... though it is not perfect .... it is where they want to be today and they can find some peace in the relationship.

I look forward to getting to know you... keep posting and reading.

Ann

Everyone here loves or has loved an addict/alcoholic, and I have to tell you that if love could save them, not one of us would be here.

My son is an addict and I thought that if I loved him enough, if I provided a safe place for him to live and if I drove him to his meetings and picked him up after that he would be safe. Years of trying to love him into recovery did nothing except drag me into his darkness. Sadly, all the love in the world means nothing until they love themselves enough to get help.

I feel your pain, I know your fears because I have walked where you walk and let love and fear rule my life.

The best suggestion I could make is to go to an Alanon meeting and surround yourself with support, because you are going to need it more than you know.

And know that we all walk with you, some more gently than others, but each with hopes that we can help you find a better path before you too get dragged into the darkness. We care, no matter how the words come out. We care enough to share truth as we know it as painful as that may be sometimes.

I'm glad you joined us and hope you'll stick around and find peace.

Hugs

denny57

Well, I'm going a little against the grain here - I believe we can love unconditionally, but that doesn't mean accept unconditionally. It can be easy to confuse the two. Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean I accept bad behavior from them; why would I?

I have always said the most loving thing I've done for AH in a long time was to stop enabling him and allow him the dignity to live his own life and make his own choices.

marteen

I think you get the idea that being in love with an alcoholic or addict is NOT easy, nor are there easy solutions, if any.
Everyone here has shared their advice because of the experience they have had and they want to share with you what they think might help. But, again, it is absolutely your choice, but also keep in mind that your gf's decision to continue drinking or not is absolutely HER decision. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, not even the most unconditional love from your part, will make that any better or give it a different ending.

Hugs,
marteen

mallowcup

You didn't like my advice and the ironic thing is that it is the best advice I ever got. Loving someone unconditonally means no mattr what they say, what they do, how many times they cheat on you , rob you , swear at you, hit you or any other condition you can imagine, you are excusing them from any standard or expectation what so ever. Loving someone unconditonally is not noble. By loving someone unconditonaly (which is impossible anyway) you are forever trying to be what they want, stating you will settle for any crumb they give you. There is nothing wrong with putting conditions on your love, make her try to meet your high standard for a change. There are two phrases that I think are common and dangerous. " Perfect love is unconditonal" and "Love hurts". Love doesn't hurt a bit, not being loved hurts.

mallowcup

Isnt' their unconditonal love for alcohol what really shows us how dmaging uconditonal love is?

StandingStrong

thehunger, you are going to hear alot of things here at this forum that you don't want to hear. Some of them will make you angry, some of them will hurt, and some of them will seem really just flat-out ridiculous to you! Sometimes when a person wants to help another person, they lose sight of the fact that the person they want to help can only help themselves with willingness, effort, and alot of work. It is not our job to save another from themselves, it's the individual's job to save themselves.

You have invested 2 months in this relationship. You already have the proof that there is an alcohol problem. And you've already experienced pain in this relationship.
I just want to tell you that alcoholism is progressive. And often times, even when an active alcoholic stops drinking, they generally do relapse or have a slip. Normally, they don't just stop and never drink again. It's not that simple.
Alot of people also come to realize that even when their loved one stops drinking, it doesn't take all the problems away. Recovery is a life-long process, and it's one that needs to be worked by the individual.

Many of us found out that it wasn't just our alcoholic loved one that was sick. We found that there must be something not quite right about ourselves for having been drawn to an alcoholic, someone that treated us as they did, and that we accepted this repeated behavior. It's hard to look at ourselves but we all play a role in this "dance" with the alcoholic. There is a post about this dance and role playing in the Stickies forum, which I really hope that you take time to read.

I'd also suggest you read everything you can about alcoholism and attend Alanon. But I'd also suggest that you read up on codependancy as I believe you could learn alot about yourself.

As I said before, you may not like what you hear on this board or from anyone else that really knows what it's like to love an alcoholic. But I can tell you that we've all experienced the pain and uncertainty that loving an A can bring. We understand your desire to help your girlfriend. We've just learned that we can't control another person or be responsible for their recovery - we can only control ourselves.

While I understand that you love this person - I again just want to point out that you've already invested 2 months of your life with this person, you've hurt and felt alot of painful emotions. Many of us spent YEARS living on love and hope for better days with our A's, hoping that someday they'd get their lives together. But in waiting, we only prolonged the pain as we suffered. I am not saying to leave, I'm just saying that you do have choices. You may not like the choices available, but there are choices.

As I've tended to make a really long post now, I'll end this. But just remember, the replies that you get here come from many different life experiences with an active A. I clearly remember feeling when I first came here that some of the member's replies were "cold" and "unemotional". I now know it's just that they have a whole lot more recovery than I do. It is that they have a better grip on things than I did.

Take care. I hope you'll stick around and keep reading and learning.

marteen

I do agree that we can always love someone but if you love someone "unconditionally", it doesn't teach them anything about themselves.

Yes, mallowcup, I can understand what you are saying. We can love, but it HAS to have higher expectations about them and yourself. Love is meant to encourage, and enrich, NOT destroy either person.

I love my daughter but it IS conditional on how she behaves and treats other beings, especially her family and her own daughter. I can still "love" her but something HAS to be eroded, even if that's just respect and trust. And unconditional love is supposed to have all that.