mallowcup

I just think that some people think that mastering love means loving someone no matter what. They think that true love has no conditons or that if it does, it isn't true love after all. We said we loved them, but we didn't mean it. We didn't stay so it's our failure. We broke our word. I have said before, I think we have as much right to remember the vows spoken to us as we do to hold ourselves to the vows we spoke. None of us agreed to be a punching bag, a work horse or a spitoon. I so often hear people say that "love stinks!" That's just a perversion right out of hell. Love doesn't stink. People don't have bad love relationships. They have deceptive relationships. This clarity came to me when I stopped making my husband my God and made God my God. Anther epiphany I had was to realize that submission does not mean I agree to be mindless and stupid every day of my living life. Submission comes from intelligence and willingness. I bend, I submit out of repect, not studpity. I agree to submit so long as my husband takes his charge seriously. Someone who is drunk isn't watching out for me, they can't cover me, they can't have my respect sitting in pee and drooling. When it's right, it works. Marriage is a holy instituion (in my opinion). Is it enviable, does it honor God? Am I happy? Am I living a life that reflects my core beliefs? Does my marriage turn people on to marriage or turn them off to it? In my daily walk, am I being cherished, loved, honored? Is the person I am married to someone I can love , honor and cherish? When we pray to God for answers and help and feel He isn't listening, I think He may have already answered us. If our marrage has just become some piece of junk, some mockery of what God intended, He may be telling us to leave it on the curb and either find someone who shares our core beliefs or live alone. I cried buckets of tears because God wouldn't make my husband stop drinking, stop cheating, stop hitting me. There were no strong warm arms to fall into at night. I scrubbed the poop stains out of his underwear, made his meals, sat by myself as he came and went. I wanted a husband and I got a child that I refused to parent. My husband treated me like his mother. I was just some person who had promised to meet his needs and believe his lies. He acted just like a 15 year old saying what ever he had to in order to get out of the house. He eventually stopped making much effort, his lies just sat there with very little effort to make them remotely believable, he didn't care. I never agreed to be the least important thing in his life. I was. I dwell on thi spont because someone here has a quote by Einstein, that says something to the effect that we can't solve problems if we approach them from the same mind set we were in when we got the problem. I think by changing the way we think, we change the way we live. What if holding someone to their word was a charge, an obligation instead of an option? Isn't the ultimate enablement to allow someone to keep making promises to You, your kids and to God and just keep breaking them? Everyone has a chance to be who they say they will be.

Grasshopper

Hi and welcome thehunger,
way to go on loving another unconditionally.This is really a hard thing to do,for me,i needed to learn --how--to do this,through recovery programs.To be able to seperate the --person--from their disease.Kudos to you!!!
My love never changed another.It was through their own desires to get help,that brought them to recovery rooms.The very best way i was able to be helpful to another,was to let go and let God,and continue onwards with my own recovery.Do you go to Al-Anon?Its one great recovery program for the family and friends of alcoholics.
sening you prayers for both of you,
God Bless,

IrshIzNotSmilin

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference. This is my life lesson.

marteen

I think we can all agree that "love" is NOT enough to stop a person who is addicted to a substance! I think what I said previously was miscontrued. I love my addict daughter; I always will, and as a mom, I will continue to pray until I die that she finds the recovery and peace that she needs to live a decent, responsible, normal life. I pray that she finds some balance with her daughter. There is nothing I want more.

I guess I will always LOVE her unconditionally, but there are certain behaviors - lack of trust, respect, caring, compassion, consideration etc., that I cannot be around with her. When she exhibits these things, I need to stay away from her and visa versa. But, yes, I still love her.

I guess my LOVE isn't conditional; but there are human emotions and common acts of normal kindness etc. that make us comfortable to be with someone. I can love her but hate the behavior and the addiction.

mallowcup

Marteen , I think we can also think of love like a multi faceted diamond. It is many things, it is everything. It is a noun, a feeling and a verb. We can feel love which motivates us, we can act in love which may give a different appearance than the way we feel, and we may use words that talk of love. When we say we love our alcholic, we know what we feel in out heart. We can't know what an alcoholic feels in their heart when they say they love us and act the way they do. We can run and yank our child out of the path of an oncoming car because we love them, but to them, it doesn't feel much like love. We can talk about love and the seed of it is unconditonal. We can love a man or woman with conditons that may seem unconditional. "I love you so much that I will ignore what you say and check you into a rehab, you will think I hate you". Not all acts of love seem loving to the receiver. I can tell you that I love my sons unconditionally, I think I do. I'd love to say that all mothers feel this way, they don't. Perhaps what I should say is that there are certain relationships that I absolutely refuse to love someone unconditionally. I know for sure my kids are in my care and keeping, I'm not so sure that my choice in men is what God had in mind. If I agree to love a mistake unconditionally, I'm locking myself into a mistake.