The floodgates have opened
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: TN
Posts: 21
The floodgates have opened
So last night I am worrying because I haven't heard from him in a while and then today he calls. I answered. Why? Do we ever know? As he keeps pushing and pushing for resolution I get more and more upset until finally I just let it go. All of the anger, hurt, disappointment, frustration, all of it, comes bubbling up and I just let him have it. Both barrels no holding back! By the end, I'm screaming and crying, my nose is running, and I can't stop the rush of words spewing out of my mouth. Every thing I have kept pushed down for so long is out and suddenly I realized that I sounded just like him in one of his drunken rages. I don't want to be that bitter, hateful person. The one lesson I have learned through all of this is that WORDS HURT! Words can cause much deeper and more painful wounds than any physical hurt can inflict. My outburst didn't make anything better. It didn't resolve anything and it sure as heck didn't help me in my recovery. I just hope it doesn't set me back. I think I need more than this board and al-anon can provide. I'll keep going and posting, but I think it is time I find a therapist of my own. I guess there are some demons of my own I need to face.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
OMG, if anyone ever taped some of the outbursts I had I'm sure I would be absolutely mortified. But he pushed me to my absolute limit. And the msot frustrating thing about it was that you're 100% right-- never solved a damn thing. He got to the point where he'd tolerate my outbursts and wait for it to be over. Which only gave me enother thing to scream about.
Not even a little bit ??????
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by aliveagain
I think I need more than this board and al-anon can provide. I'll keep going and posting, but I think it is time I find a therapist of my own.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 28
Aliveagain --
Yes, yes, yes -- find a good therapist -- one who knows the addiction/codependence cycle really well.
Y'know what? You're human, and you're deeply hurt. You needed to get that stuff off your chest, and you did it. Is it going to make the situation better? No, but holding in all that emotion isn't helping you out any, either.
Find other ways to vent the frustration -- post here, keep a journal, do really ugly art, buy a punching bag, work out at the gym, buy some cheapo dishes at goodwill and smash them to pieces... whatever allows you to release that anger and sadness and frustration and all the rest of it.
The good thing about venting your anger in any way except to the addict is that you won't be expecting anything in return.... when we vent to someone we love about his/her behavior, it is inevitable that we expect something (like an apology?) in return... and that just makes it all feel worse.
Or perhaps we are hoping to hurt them like they have hurt us ... that doesn't work, either -- they will hurt for a little while, maybe, but then the drugs/alcohol make it all fade into the background and never get processed. It will get processed eventually, along with all their other pain, if they get in recovery and sober... but that may be a long, long time away, and it may never happen.
I know about the worry cycle. I had that with an ex-bf who was an addict and a severe drunk. He'd be out late (we lived across the hall from each other, but usually slept in the same place) -- and I'd wonder if he had managed to get himself killed this time... or was he cheating on me again ... or, or, or.....
It wasn't until I broke up with him that I was able to let that go for the most part. I still wonder sometimes if he is still alive, what he is doing, etc. I don't have any anger at him anymore, and I do hope he gets himself sober someday, as he has a lot to offer the world if he does...but I doubt I'll ever know one way or the other. If he does ever get sober, I'd love to get to know him again, as a friend.
Yes, yes, yes -- find a good therapist -- one who knows the addiction/codependence cycle really well.
Y'know what? You're human, and you're deeply hurt. You needed to get that stuff off your chest, and you did it. Is it going to make the situation better? No, but holding in all that emotion isn't helping you out any, either.
Find other ways to vent the frustration -- post here, keep a journal, do really ugly art, buy a punching bag, work out at the gym, buy some cheapo dishes at goodwill and smash them to pieces... whatever allows you to release that anger and sadness and frustration and all the rest of it.
The good thing about venting your anger in any way except to the addict is that you won't be expecting anything in return.... when we vent to someone we love about his/her behavior, it is inevitable that we expect something (like an apology?) in return... and that just makes it all feel worse.
Or perhaps we are hoping to hurt them like they have hurt us ... that doesn't work, either -- they will hurt for a little while, maybe, but then the drugs/alcohol make it all fade into the background and never get processed. It will get processed eventually, along with all their other pain, if they get in recovery and sober... but that may be a long, long time away, and it may never happen.
I know about the worry cycle. I had that with an ex-bf who was an addict and a severe drunk. He'd be out late (we lived across the hall from each other, but usually slept in the same place) -- and I'd wonder if he had managed to get himself killed this time... or was he cheating on me again ... or, or, or.....
It wasn't until I broke up with him that I was able to let that go for the most part. I still wonder sometimes if he is still alive, what he is doing, etc. I don't have any anger at him anymore, and I do hope he gets himself sober someday, as he has a lot to offer the world if he does...but I doubt I'll ever know one way or the other. If he does ever get sober, I'd love to get to know him again, as a friend.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Beautifully honest post, Aliveagain. Hurt people, hurt other people. Thats why your anger came out the way it did. Hurt. Pain. Deep pain.
Getting therapy sounds like a plan to heal your pain. Its helped me tremendously. Hang in there...from one rager to another, your not alone.
Getting therapy sounds like a plan to heal your pain. Its helped me tremendously. Hang in there...from one rager to another, your not alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
aliveagain
Please do not beat yourself up over the outbursts and try not to let it set you back . I am just now starting to accept that my outbursts at the exabf did not make me a horrible person but it was just natural because of how hurt I was. I am not saying that I think that my outburst where ok but I also am not beating myself up over it anymore.. I said some crazy horrible things to him but I have come to realize that I was not reacting to the person that i loved but to the alcohol that was taking my caring bf away from me. It makes you so angry and you just want them to open thier eyes to what they are doing but in reality the only thing it really does is just give them another excuse to go drink. Mine would always tell me that our fights made him want to drink. I remember just getting so angry at that because I knew that there would be no fights if he had not been abusing alcohol so bad. It is just a nasty horrible cycle and I am glad that I am finally out of it. I also have come to realize that I have not lost my temper since we have been broken up and that is so much healthier for me- and it is all about me now!!!
I think that the therapist thing sounds like a wonderful idea. There are days where I think i need to look into getting one, today being one of them!!! Take care of yourself!!!!!
Please do not beat yourself up over the outbursts and try not to let it set you back . I am just now starting to accept that my outbursts at the exabf did not make me a horrible person but it was just natural because of how hurt I was. I am not saying that I think that my outburst where ok but I also am not beating myself up over it anymore.. I said some crazy horrible things to him but I have come to realize that I was not reacting to the person that i loved but to the alcohol that was taking my caring bf away from me. It makes you so angry and you just want them to open thier eyes to what they are doing but in reality the only thing it really does is just give them another excuse to go drink. Mine would always tell me that our fights made him want to drink. I remember just getting so angry at that because I knew that there would be no fights if he had not been abusing alcohol so bad. It is just a nasty horrible cycle and I am glad that I am finally out of it. I also have come to realize that I have not lost my temper since we have been broken up and that is so much healthier for me- and it is all about me now!!!
I think that the therapist thing sounds like a wonderful idea. There are days where I think i need to look into getting one, today being one of them!!! Take care of yourself!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
What's that song, again?
"Even an angel can end up falling
Don't you cry because you're crawling..."
and then there's something about getting back up on your feet again some beautiful morning...
You're already back on your feet when you're considering finding a therapist and facing the demons that made you stumble in the first place. Good for you!!!
"Even an angel can end up falling
Don't you cry because you're crawling..."
and then there's something about getting back up on your feet again some beautiful morning...
You're already back on your feet when you're considering finding a therapist and facing the demons that made you stumble in the first place. Good for you!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
