Aquiana

So I'm talking to this young girl I work with the other day. She's 15. She's telling me all about how she goes out drinking every weekend. Not during the week, except this week because it's Halloween. So I said something about it being hard to get alcohol when I was 15 and she tells me that her mom buys it for her. Her dad doesn't but he lets her have his. I think my mouth stuck open. She mentioned something about them thinking it's better if they know what she's drinking. Huh? Am I missing something here? Is this the way it's done these days? It's not like it's a cooler with this girl either, she's drinking to get drunk. I can't say I'm going to make it that easy for my son when he's 15. Am I the only one that thinks this kind of thinking is somewhat tragic. I really feel sorry for the girl. I can't do anything about it of course since it's not really any of my beeswax but I really don't understand the idea that your children are going to do it anyway so you might as well supply it. I'm sure I would have loved it when I was 15.......I wasn't very bright back then. Yikes!

ayla zaire

the sad thing is that i hear about this all of the time....what are these parents thinking?

deax

Pretty sickening. But not all that uncommon. With friends of mine growing up and stories I hear from kids today (I work at a college right now and have a number of teens in my extended family) it seems like there's more and more parents out there who use some variation of the "well, they're gonna do it anyway" argument.

I was watching an old episode of The Sopranos recently and Tony said to Meadow, "You see, out there it's the 1990s but in this house it's 1954." I don't have kids yet, but that's more along the lines of how it should be, in my opinion.

WantsOut

I think a lot of this has to do with liability and risk, but I'm just guessing.

What I mean by that is if your child were to get drunk at a party on a public beach, let's say, and drove home and harmed someone, the parents are liable and can lose all they own. Or in my county if a person is caught driving drunk the police sieze the car and they don't give it back. Or the kid could get a ride from a drunken friend, not much more appealing to a parent. Plus the whole rape/date rape/bad sexual decision thing floats out there too for the parent of a girl.

If you believe that teens are going to drink no matter what, then you might think it makes sense to keep them at home where you can keep an eye on them, make sure they don't drive, get alcohol poisioning, make sure they aren't taken advantage of sexually, etc.

Not saying I agree, just saying I see why some parents do what they do.

Now I know someone who forbids her son to drink because she says it's dangerous, but allows him to smoke pot with the logic that no one ever went to the emergency room with pot poisoning.

Not saying I agree with letting the kids use any mind altering substance, but I think that these types of parents think they have their kid's best interests at heart. There are few parents who actually set out to make their kid a drunk.

backfromnowhere

My hub's mom bought him beer and let him get drunk with her. The first time she got him drunk he was 6 years old. It was so her and her friends would have something to laugh about, he was the intertainment of the night. She also smoked pot with him and let him do other drugs in the house as long as he shared. In his teens he lived with his stepdad's mom, she would buy his beer when she bought her own. All his childhood he had been handed a beer or drink by family. Today, he is drunk everyday and still thinks it was cool that his family was so open with sharing or buying for him. It makes me very sad. I will never buy alcohol for my kids or let them drink in my house and neither will he. His teen nieces and nephews stay with us often and he knows he can't give them alcohol either. This is a boundary that I have with him and I would leave him in a heartbeat if he ever crossed it.

JessicaNAJ

But....they're teaching the kid that it's ok to drink. And while it is ok to have a drink here and there....She's only 15!!! She shouldn't be drinking at all. (I know....we've all probably done it - I think I'm showing my age here.)

Parents these days (not all)....I know the philosophy of "I'd rather know what he/she is drinking", but what ever happened to good old fashioned morale??? Teach your child it's wrong and if the child chooses otherwise, then they have to deal with the consequences of their own actions!

I hope and pray that my kids will be responsible enough by the time they reach that age that I won't have to worry....it scares the sh!t out of me that they have to grow up.

HolyQow

I have a few sides of this issue to share, but in no way saying any are right or wrong. Way back when, (OK so I might be older than you), it was EASY to get alcohol. I could even go to the state liquor store and buy anything at age 15.

At my home alcohol was unacceptable, even though parents drank it freely. So, we would just go to my friends house, where her mother let us drink. Not all of the time, just a few holidays or parties. We stayed there, slept there, and gave up our car keys beforehand. It was just us girls, no boys allowed. So I can kind of see their point, they could control the situation, we were in no danger, nor were we a danger to anyone else by driving, hanging out in town, getting in fights, not to mention boys. My friends parents provided us a "safe" place.

I understand the "they are going to do it anyways" in theory, "teach them it's wrong" theory also, in my case, I knew it was wrong, I did it anyways. I was glad for a place to go, and no one was harmed.

My other thought, drinking at that age does NOT make a person become an alcoholic. I just saw a few commercials about this. "If a kid drinks by the age of 12 (I forget what age it said), they are 90% more likely to become an alcoholic".....I also forget what actual percentage it was, but it was high.
I drank alot when I was 16-25. Never craved it, just went out alot of weekends and drank. I never became an alcoholic. My husband is quite the opposite: he drank seldom in high school, but joined the NAVY at age 18....by the time he left the Navy, age 28, I believe he was a full-fledged A by then. My point is, you cannot tell which one is going to become addicted based on what they do as teens.

One last point (finally ) I am not sure which way I will lean when my children are older. We all live with an A, so I am sure we might not be dealing with alcohol in the same manner. I think to say it is "forbidden", makes them want it more. If they are just curious about it, I may let them taste it, but not get drunk, and hope that they just don't like it at all. If they say they like it, then I will be here asking for advice We have a few years yet.

Aquiana

I think what bothers me so much about this situation is I see alot of my past mistakes in this girl. The drinking, cutting classes, missing work and trouble with the law even. The big difference being that I always had my mom in the background telling me it was wrong and that the mistakes were going to ruin my life. She came from a family of alcoholics and had much to say about what alcohol could do to a life. One day I finally got what she was saying. I feel sad for this girl because I wonder where I would have been without someone warning me about what I was doing. She is a very intelligent and attractive girl. I'd hate to see her spoil her future. My actions at her age have alot to do with why I am where I am today.

I realize my son is going to be a teenager one day. If I could keep him a baby I would. I would hope that even if it appears that he doesn't listen to a word I say, that at least I'd be the voice in the background. I don't really think there's anything wrong with a beer at a supervised gathering or a glass of wine with Christmas dinner but to me that's a far cry from giving him booze to get hammered on the weekends.

Aquiana

I have to somewhat disagree here. Maybe it doesn't make a person an alcoholic but I definitely think it helps. G started drinking very young and he often took care of his parents when they were drunk. He grew up an alcoholic. IMO in regards to drinking, he remained a 15 year old in a 37 year old body. His party never stopped.

WantsOut

What about places where it's acceptable for what we would consider children to drink watered down wine, like France? I don't know the facts, but I wonder if they have a higher rate of alcoholism cause the kids drink young, or a lower rate because of their different social view of drinking.

It would be very interesting to find out if there are differences.

I do appreciate what you mean when you say that you see yourself in this girl and you'd like to save her from your mistakes. Sadly, the young never listen to the experienced ...

BigSis

If she is drinking every weekend, and the folks are buying her booze that often.... my guess is that they don't consider weekly binging to be different from what THEY are doing. The nut doesn't fall too far from the tree. And some folks still believe that alcoholism can be "prevented" if you only learn to "drink right"... sigh. Her folks may believe they are teaching her something, but I doubt the lesson she is learning is the one they think they are teaching.

I was reading an article the other day that said that exposure to distilled spirits over time (centuries) has resulted in some physiological genetic changes that are specific to certain ethnic groups. That people of Italian and Jewish descent have lower alcoholism rates due to much longer exposure to distilled spirits, but those in Northern Europe (Scots & Irish) have higher alcoholism rates among their populations because of a more recent expopsure. And that some of the highest alcoholism rates can be found in folks whose ethnic backgrounds include peoples who were not exposed to distilled spirits until recent time - such as Native American.

All that to say that I don't think that one generation can be "taught" to drink by watering down wine, but that an entire population over time can possibly build up some immunity to alcoholism... either that, or natural selection is a work... leaving fewer alcoholics to reproduce or something.

I am sorry for the young girl... the path in front of her appears to be a long and painful one.

My kids talked about these kinds of parents a lot ... "fun parents". My daughter told me quite honestly, she wished I could have been more like a "fun parent". Then she had a baby of her own.... and changed her mind.

Perhaps the parents are so desperate to be "liked" by the girl and her friend, they will sacrafice their responsibilty of a parent in order to be a friend.

TexasGirl

And that is one reason why I don't know if I will ever have kids. I know how irresponsible I was!!! I hate the thought of some future kids of mine making half of the stupid mistakes I did.

JessicaNAJ

My sister started drinking when she was 15. My parents and the older siblings told her...warned her. She was beautiful, smart, had so much potential. She wanted to be like by everyone and did whatever it took to do that. She had very little self esteem no matter how many times I told her how wonderful she was. She didn't see it...but I think when she drank and used she felt better about who she was. Guys and girls liked her and she felt better about what she was doing. She was in a few almost fatal crashes. Rolled her car once and broke her neck (at 17) and was thrown from a truck about 4 years ago..broke her femur bone. Yep...she was trashed both times.

Right now my sister is 27, has a beautiful daughter that was taken from her by the father, and is currently locked up for Possession of Meth. She looks like she's 34, and I don't see her EVER changing.....it's very very very sad.

I guess my point is, no matter how hard we try, it's not going to "change" what a person chooses to do. I think it's awesome if you want to give her the kind of support your mom gave you...but, I think if you do that, you will need to be ready for disappointments along the way.

sadface

Being a parent is difficult, we have a lot of joy and some sadness. My sister did the " they are going to do anyway..might as well let them do in my house; method. She has three boys and they are now in their early twenties (21 -25 yrs. old). The oldest doesn't drink, the two younger boys drink a little. I did the "it is wrong...don't ever touch it" method. My oldest son (26 yrs) tried it, but really started when he separated from his wife (2 yrs. ago) and my 15 year old doesn't drink. My children and nephew have never had problems with the law, don't use drugs, and are productive. I dont' know which method is better because I feel we both got the same results. We are Latinos and are very family oriented. I am not saying we are perfect by far, but I think the family plays a lot in what children are taught. Maybe this doesn't work for everyone but it does for us...so far (knock on wood). My 15 yr old has a cell phone, calls me when and where he is going. My nephews work and pay their portion of bills. Again, my point is.. I dont' know which method is better.

FormerDoormat

She's 15, and children of that age tend to exaggerate to get attention. Unless I saw her parents engage in the behavior she described to you, I'm inclined not to believe it.

Out of the mouths of babes often come lies....