Difficult
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Difficult
I've been having a tough time the last couple of days over my ex A.
The weekends are difficult as that's when I was there.
I also have stuff there I have to get and that's bothering me too.
Ngaire
The weekends are difficult as that's when I was there.
I also have stuff there I have to get and that's bothering me too.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
I'm sorry you're hurting, Ngaire.
What has helped me is having a project to work on of some sort. I repainted, redecorated, etc etc. Gives me something to occupy my mind. Today I'm going to clean out my closets.
What has helped me is having a project to work on of some sort. I repainted, redecorated, etc etc. Gives me something to occupy my mind. Today I'm going to clean out my closets.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
What's the situation with him, are you in contact with him at all? Can you set up a time you could go to his place and pick up your stuff during the week, so it won't kick up anymore weekend memories? If you do go, try not to let yourself hang out which he'll probably ask you to do. Get your stuff and go.
Weekends are stil hard for me too. That's also when we were together all the time, I spent the week psyched for Fridays to come for him to get back. Or I'd head down there Fridays after work. Usually I keep busy on weekends but weekends like this one, where I'm just laying low and not doing much of anything, are the ones that suck.
I left a ring and some other personal things at his place last time I was down there. I'd kinda like my ring back just because I liked it, but I'm willing to live without it for a while. Feels like an excuse to talk to him just for that. This is probably bad to say but I get a little comfort knowing he has some of my things. Reminders of me. :shysmile:
I dunno, ngaire. What I do when I get these feelings is play the tape through. Remember that what I miss about him is only half the story of what the reality was, aggravation being the other half. The temporary happiness I'd feel if I called it all off now. How even less seriously he'll take me when the problems are all sure to start again. All the things I should be getting done in my life while I procrastinate pining over him.
But that's the best I can offer you in terms of any words of wisdom. I know certain times or days of the week are especially hard for many of us. Sometimes it's ok to just let yourself feel miserable. Feeling is ok. I mean, I still think I was just HAPPIER when I was with him because I loved him, it was fun and comfortable to be with him. And part of us is still longing all that, which is ok. But we should remember that it ended for a reason. There was a time when we knew we had no alternative.
So just do the same thing we tell them to do-- watch your actions. Allow your feelings but don't DO anything you might regret later, because crappy days don't last forever. God helps those who help themselves, and we're trying to help ourselves, so I try not to let all my hard work go to waste when there are little stumbles and bumps in the road.
Weekends are stil hard for me too. That's also when we were together all the time, I spent the week psyched for Fridays to come for him to get back. Or I'd head down there Fridays after work. Usually I keep busy on weekends but weekends like this one, where I'm just laying low and not doing much of anything, are the ones that suck.
I left a ring and some other personal things at his place last time I was down there. I'd kinda like my ring back just because I liked it, but I'm willing to live without it for a while. Feels like an excuse to talk to him just for that. This is probably bad to say but I get a little comfort knowing he has some of my things. Reminders of me. :shysmile:
I dunno, ngaire. What I do when I get these feelings is play the tape through. Remember that what I miss about him is only half the story of what the reality was, aggravation being the other half. The temporary happiness I'd feel if I called it all off now. How even less seriously he'll take me when the problems are all sure to start again. All the things I should be getting done in my life while I procrastinate pining over him.
But that's the best I can offer you in terms of any words of wisdom. I know certain times or days of the week are especially hard for many of us. Sometimes it's ok to just let yourself feel miserable. Feeling is ok. I mean, I still think I was just HAPPIER when I was with him because I loved him, it was fun and comfortable to be with him. And part of us is still longing all that, which is ok. But we should remember that it ended for a reason. There was a time when we knew we had no alternative.
So just do the same thing we tell them to do-- watch your actions. Allow your feelings but don't DO anything you might regret later, because crappy days don't last forever. God helps those who help themselves, and we're trying to help ourselves, so I try not to let all my hard work go to waste when there are little stumbles and bumps in the road.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
I was at the bookstore last night and I bought this book on meditation by Madonna Gauding called The Meditation Bible. There is one meditation on "Letting Go/Moving On," and I thought it was applicable for you ngaire (and for me!), and for others here who are in the same boat and open to something like meditation. So I typed it below. I plan to use this to help me get through my year of no contact, I'm currently only 3 months in with the rule having been broken a few times and feelng myself getting shakier lately for some reason.
---------------------------
When: Practice when your resolve to end a relationship is shaky, even though you know you should.
Practice:
1. Sit in meditation posture. Meditate on watching your breath for five minutes. (This is partly to keep your mind from wandering, you can add a visualization of breathing in gold light and out black smoke). Try to calm your mind and body if you have been emotionally distraught.
2. Visualize the person you are leaving in front of you. Tell him why you were attracted to him in the beginning and what qualities you admired in him at the time. Recall the wonderful times you had together. Thank him for the wonderful times you have shared.
3. Do not discuss your anger or express any negativity. Instead, generate the desire for him to be happy in the future. Tell him it will be hard to let go of your relationship, but you must move on for your own highest good. Imagine your partner agreeing to let you go and wishing you well.
4. If you feel like crying, go ahead. Feel strengthened and nurtured by your own positive and loving energy. End your meditation by watching your breath for five minutes.
------------------------
I couldn't find the rules to check if I violated them by posting something copyrighted. So mods-- if I did, sorry and feel free to delete!
If not, hope it's helpful for someone.
---------------------------
When: Practice when your resolve to end a relationship is shaky, even though you know you should.
Practice:
1. Sit in meditation posture. Meditate on watching your breath for five minutes. (This is partly to keep your mind from wandering, you can add a visualization of breathing in gold light and out black smoke). Try to calm your mind and body if you have been emotionally distraught.
2. Visualize the person you are leaving in front of you. Tell him why you were attracted to him in the beginning and what qualities you admired in him at the time. Recall the wonderful times you had together. Thank him for the wonderful times you have shared.
3. Do not discuss your anger or express any negativity. Instead, generate the desire for him to be happy in the future. Tell him it will be hard to let go of your relationship, but you must move on for your own highest good. Imagine your partner agreeing to let you go and wishing you well.
4. If you feel like crying, go ahead. Feel strengthened and nurtured by your own positive and loving energy. End your meditation by watching your breath for five minutes.
------------------------
I couldn't find the rules to check if I violated them by posting something copyrighted. So mods-- if I did, sorry and feel free to delete!
If not, hope it's helpful for someone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi Deax,
We have no contact. After he turned into Mr.Hyde and became someone I didn't even know I told him I was leaving to get back into my program and save my sanity. I told him if he got sober again he could call me but I couldn't for my sake and my sons deal with him anymore the way he was.
Idon't even want to go there right now, I don't want to even call and set it up with him or anything.
Ngaire
We have no contact. After he turned into Mr.Hyde and became someone I didn't even know I told him I was leaving to get back into my program and save my sanity. I told him if he got sober again he could call me but I couldn't for my sake and my sons deal with him anymore the way he was.
Idon't even want to go there right now, I don't want to even call and set it up with him or anything.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by deax
What's the situation with him, are you in contact with him at all? Can you set up a time you could go to his place and pick up your stuff during the week, so it won't kick up anymore weekend memories? If you do go, try not to let yourself hang out which he'll probably ask you to do. Get your stuff and go.
Weekends are stil hard for me too. That's also when we were together all the time, I spent the week psyched for Fridays to come for him to get back. Or I'd head down there Fridays after work. Usually I keep busy on weekends but weekends like this one, where I'm just laying low and not doing much of anything, are the ones that suck.
I left a ring and some other personal things at his place last time I was down there. I'd kinda like my ring back just because I liked it, but I'm willing to live without it for a while. Feels like an excuse to talk to him just for that. This is probably bad to say but I get a little comfort knowing he has some of my things. Reminders of me. :shysmile:
I dunno, ngaire. What I do when I get these feelings is play the tape through. Remember that what I miss about him is only half the story of what the reality was, aggravation being the other half. The temporary happiness I'd feel if I called it all off now. How even less seriously he'll take me when the problems are all sure to start again. All the things I should be getting done in my life while I procrastinate pining over him.
But that's the best I can offer you in terms of any words of wisdom. I know certain times or days of the week are especially hard for many of us. Sometimes it's ok to just let yourself feel miserable. Feeling is ok. I mean, I still think I was just HAPPIER when I was with him because I loved him, it was fun and comfortable to be with him. And part of us is still longing all that, which is ok. But we should remember that it ended for a reason. There was a time when we knew we had no alternative.
So just do the same thing we tell them to do-- watch your actions. Allow your feelings but don't DO anything you might regret later, because crappy days don't last forever. God helps those who help themselves, and we're trying to help ourselves, so I try not to let all my hard work go to waste when there are little stumbles and bumps in the road.
Weekends are stil hard for me too. That's also when we were together all the time, I spent the week psyched for Fridays to come for him to get back. Or I'd head down there Fridays after work. Usually I keep busy on weekends but weekends like this one, where I'm just laying low and not doing much of anything, are the ones that suck.
I left a ring and some other personal things at his place last time I was down there. I'd kinda like my ring back just because I liked it, but I'm willing to live without it for a while. Feels like an excuse to talk to him just for that. This is probably bad to say but I get a little comfort knowing he has some of my things. Reminders of me. :shysmile:
I dunno, ngaire. What I do when I get these feelings is play the tape through. Remember that what I miss about him is only half the story of what the reality was, aggravation being the other half. The temporary happiness I'd feel if I called it all off now. How even less seriously he'll take me when the problems are all sure to start again. All the things I should be getting done in my life while I procrastinate pining over him.
But that's the best I can offer you in terms of any words of wisdom. I know certain times or days of the week are especially hard for many of us. Sometimes it's ok to just let yourself feel miserable. Feeling is ok. I mean, I still think I was just HAPPIER when I was with him because I loved him, it was fun and comfortable to be with him. And part of us is still longing all that, which is ok. But we should remember that it ended for a reason. There was a time when we knew we had no alternative.
So just do the same thing we tell them to do-- watch your actions. Allow your feelings but don't DO anything you might regret later, because crappy days don't last forever. God helps those who help themselves, and we're trying to help ourselves, so I try not to let all my hard work go to waste when there are little stumbles and bumps in the road.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by ngaire
Last night when I was at my meeting someone told me they saw him at a meeting during the week. What that information does is raise hopes in me.
Ngaire
Ngaire
This morning when I woke up, I thought of him. How he'll be watching the Giants game today. And I started remembering stuff about us I hadn't thought about so specifically in a while. His dry sense of humor and his smirk. The way he'd pull me in tight to him before he kissed me. What if he cheats on me (even though we're not supposed to be 'together'). So I'm sort of having a bad day. Not bad like it used to be, but kinda rough. I thought earlier today, well 2 days after Christmas will be six months. That's long enough where we can at least go back to talking on the phone, right? I feel myself slipping all of a sudden emotionally, but I'm trying not to let myself ACT on it.
Nice to know someone else is in the same place with this as me. I guess misery loves company??
I know how hard it is, ngaire. We'll get through it.
Last edited by deax; 10-29-2006 at 10:10 AM.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hi Ngaire,
If the weekends are the times you spent together, I'm sure they must be difficult indeed! But as Deax said, are you remembering the whole picture? There must have been more going on during those weekends besides happiness if you reached a point that you had to end it, right?
Ending a relationship sucks, no doubt about it. And I think you do have to grieve it. Just make sure you always remember both sides of what happened.
((Hugs))
If the weekends are the times you spent together, I'm sure they must be difficult indeed! But as Deax said, are you remembering the whole picture? There must have been more going on during those weekends besides happiness if you reached a point that you had to end it, right?
Ending a relationship sucks, no doubt about it. And I think you do have to grieve it. Just make sure you always remember both sides of what happened.
((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Sometimes I need to take one step at a time in order to keep myself from feeling overwhelmed. So I'd recommend that you make arrangements to get your things from his place - this is one thing that you can do and not be a matter of control. You already know that you can't control him or his recovery, etc. so take one thing at a time and do what you can. As for the weekends, I'd recommend that you get out your calendar and start planning things to do. I've found that for myself, when I'm doing something, I tend to think less of what AH is doing (such as on his Wed. night poker games). If I'm busy with enjoying my life, I have no time to obsess about his.
(((ngaire)))
(((ngaire)))
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Can you go and get your stuff when he isn't there? Can you take a realative with you or call the poilce to escort you and supervise you when he isn't there? It seems that this lingering buiness is eating away at you and the longer it takes for you to get the stuff you left behind, the more awkward and nagging it becomes. I wouldn't look forward to going if he's home or going back there alone. I would want to make it a mission, get in and out and have it done. I think I'd go the police route. They can call him, ask him when would be a good time, make sure he is off the premises and stay with you the whole time to reduce any chance of incidence. It wouldn't be easy to go back there. I also think if the police are with you, it would decrease the liklihood that you would be in a sentimental mood. What I would do is avoid being int he house alone with him, but I'd get it done sooner than later.
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