joeryan24

I am really trying not to let my son's problems become mine. I know I have enabled him and am getting better at making him pay the consequences(and he is right now) He has a court date next week for his second DUI. He admits he has a problem and he swears he wants to get better- and is going to therapy(and will have to go to state rehab for a year) I know part of his sentence will bring jail time and I agree with that- too many people get killed by DUIs.
But despite it all- I love this child with every inch of my soul and worry about his future alot. I know he wants to get better- I just don't know if he is strong enough. I want to be able to say " I did the best I could- it is his life now" Which I do -- however I can't help having that ache in my heart wishing he had made smarter decisions in his life to prevent the rough road ahead of him- he had so much going for him. I just wonder what is the probablity a 23 year old is really going to stay strong forever- he hasn't even begun to experience the toughness of life- if he can't overcome it now -what will he be like when he really has to face challanges?
After reading this forum- I know I am not alone. Thanks for listening

cmc

Hi,
It sounds like you are on the right track, joeryan and making some progress with detaching and accepting things as they are.
I am the mom of an addict too. And I have felt the same. What I realize now is that he still has much going for him. Yes, the past decisions have not been good ones but there is hope. I need to detach, stop enabling and still try to believe in my son. I struggle with it... my son is in jail right now and I have some real concerns about his future.
Today I choose to believe the best in him and hope that this time is the last time he and our family will have to face all that goes along with active addiction.

I cannot change what is past and to dwell on it robs me of today... to worry about the future robs me of today and my tomorrow. It's hard sometimes but I just try and face each thing as it comes before me.
How does the addict find his way? Oftentimes the addict becomes tough by going through the tough things... most likely the tough consequences of his/her own behavior. When I remove the consequence or make things easier or softer... I take away the very thing needed to grow, and also 'show' the addict that I don't really believe he can handle life on life's terms. I realized that most every thing I did to 'help' was taking away from my son, not giving to him. My actions took away his dignity and power of choice....it became much easier to step back from him when I realized this.
Now, when my son has a problem, I say "you can handle it, you will know what to do." And I pray, and then I hope he will do the right thing.
You are right about not being alone!

Zoey

joeryan, I am sorry you are going through this, but am glad you found SR as we understand and care very much.

cmc, shared good things, I especially agree with her saying, "you can handle it,you will know what to do"

Just my thing, but I dislike words like, you can't, you better, you should or you shouldn't. (those words seemed to stunt my growth or made me feel helpless or hopeless) Common words or conversation, but they affect me?????

This disease is so cruel, we cannot get any answers as to who will make it and who won't. I believe there is always hope.
Have you tried Al-Anon? Keep coming back.

BohemiMamaof3

I really agree with what is expressed above - there is always hope! But often I do feel frustrated in my dealings and understanding of my Alcoholic loved one (brother). Really, the tough love and stopping our own(my mom & I) co-deprendant behavior have been the things that has brought us some peace and sanity thru these storms. I hope you will find support & encouragement here.

star29

Bless your heart. I can hear the pain you are feeling through your words. I am a mother of two and I can only imagine the hurt you are feeling for your son. I believe, as my quote says: "Look beneath the surface and you will see the truth".... People are who they are for a reason. And I believe that until a person finds out the whys, true recovery can't happen. This is just my belief. I find it to be true in my own life as well. I have made some bad choices in my life and until I was able to dive deep idown inside myself through therapy I continued the destructive behavior. But, now I understand the whys of the choices/behavior and am able to heal and change. And I am seeing it happen in those I care about. I hope your son finds out the "whys" and then he can truly heal. God Bless and hang in there. I am so glad you wrote. Star

joeryan24

thank you all for your replies. My son has admitted he has the problem and is in rehab( and as you can see from my post- I am having a hard time believing there will be success)
He said he didn't realize how screwed up he was until he went to rehab- he gets it now he really drank too much- but he doesn't know why? Can they recover without knowing why? He thought he was just doing what the "crowd " did
thanks

mallowcup

I understand how difficult this is for you. I have thre sons myself. As tough as the next year is, you can visit him at the rehab, not at the morgue. So long as he is alive, he can recover. He could very well go on and become a part of the rehab team. I am certain that many young people with alochol problems can go on to be a tremendous help to others. I would even encourage him to realize his life is not over, it is just defining itself. Youwill be able to sleep at night knowing he isn't putting himself in harms way. He may even start feeling good about himself and his sobriety very early on. Kids think they are immortal. We did to. He is being removed from a very tempting environment. His going into rehab is better than him not going into rehab. With your praise and the tools he will learn at rehab, he can come out with a very bright future ahead of him. God Bless you and yours and I hope you find peace in this situation.

deax

Well first of some people believe alcoholism is a purely physiological thing, body chemistries in certain people that lead to this reaction to acohol.

But I think the 'why' answers come in time, maybe? Getting to the heart of things is something that requires a lot of soul searching and surrender and doesn't happen overnight. I'd imagine most people, addicts or not, probably struggle when it comes to articulating what motivates their self-defeating behaviors on any level-- whether it's anger, bad relationships, nail biting, promiscuity, overeating, perfectionism, workaholism, whatever examples.

If he's in rehab now and seems to be getting something out of it and having some realizations, then that seems like a good thing for the moment. One day at a time.